Little warning that this could be hard to read. At least it was hard for me to write, but needed to get all this angst out of me after season 4 finale. Trigger warning about mentions of rape.
Sorry for this taking so much time to write! Got little discouraged with feedback after first chapter, but finally get to place where it was more important to get this finished :)
No betat, so sorry for any mistakes since I´m not native English speaker.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just playing with them.
CHARMING´S POV
I woke up to sun shining in my face and hearing Neal starting to fuss. When I look to my side I´m surprised Snow isn't there. Where she would have gone during night and why haven´t I woke up? No matter now, I need to take care of Neal before his fussing turns to full on crying. I scoop Neal up from his crib and head to kitchen to get him some milk.
As soon as I get to bigger area of our apartment, I notice Snow sleeping on couch clutching Emma´s blanket big smile on her face. She looks so happy, I just decide to let her sleep and continue my way to the fridge. Finally I get Neal's bottle ready and get to sit down while our little boy drinks his milk happily. Neal being so occupied with his milk lefts me time to think. I wonder why Snow have gone to sleep on the couch. In my mind there shouldn´t be any reason, but maybe she just needed to get Emma´s blanket to mend the pain after her disappearance. That thought hits me deep in the heart. Where our little girl have gone and what is happening to our family? I couldn´t help but hold Neal a little tighter to feel him closer to me to have some comfort knowing at least one child is still in my arms to protect.
Just when Neal is finishing with his bottle I saw Snow stirring up. "Good morning love" I said to her softly.
"Morning". She mumbles and comes to us. Noticing what I was doing, she takes Neal without a word to burb him and then takes him back to his morning meal nap.
After I hear Snow stopping her usual lullaby, I´m sure Neal would be sleeping again. "Snow would you come here to talk for a bit, if he´s sleeping already?" I shout to her quietly not wanting to wake the baby.
She didn´t answer, but comes back to kitchen after giving soft kiss on Neal´s forehead.
"Why were you sleeping at couch?" I ask to start the conversation.
She looks down, but speaks finally. "After all that happened in that Alternate world and yesterday I didn´t feel worthy of being near you, any of you." Tears are starting to fall on her face.
"Snow" I say and try to touch her shoulder comfortingly, but she pulls herself away. It breaks my heart to see her so broken. "It really wasn´t your fault. Not any of it. We were written to be like that."
She shakes her head not believing. "Maybe it was set by someone else´s hand, but we still act on it. I can´t help but feel guilty, for abusing you, for almost killing Emma, my baby…" And that got her to cry even more, but now she falls to my arms and we sit for a while quiet just embracing each other thinking our missing child.
After few minutes we calm enough to continue our conversation. "See it wasn´t so bad for me to hold you again. You are always worthy of me remember that." I say wiping few remnant tears from her face.
Snow nods a little, but continues hesitantly: "Even after raping you?"
I should have known she won´t forget that so easily. So I try to explain how it all was for me. "Hey, that one which was for real wasn´t so bad. I thought that has been my life for years so I was surrendered to it as part of my existence, so no need to feel so bad. For that you didn´t really force me, that forcing part was just in false memories."
"So you had feelings of being used?" Snow whispers in shame.
I hate to admit it, but she should know. "I admit I have memories of times when I was just scared shepherd controlled by Queen to do her bidding also in bed without consent and feeling violated by it. But like I said, it was just false memory. What happened there when we really were there wasn´t other than duty I detested, and I can swear to you that now that I know you aren´t just keeping me as my brother´s replacement being with you isn´t ever nothing but delight." I had to laugh a little to that ending, but I needed to light the mood a little.
"Thank you for that." Snow says now little smile starting to form on her lips also momentarily. "I´m so sorry you were given such terrible memories. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Just come here and wipe those away." I say and crap her from her waist and pull her to me. I kiss her with all the passion and love I have and wish to clear her mind from everything. For my relief she answers after a moment's self-doubt just as passionately and lovingly. I don´t know how far it would have gone if Henry wouldn´t burst in the kitchen looking shocked after seeing us.
"Sorry I didn´t mean to interrupt. I heard voices and thought it was safe to come for breakfast" He stammers getting red faced. Surprising, thinking how many times Henry or Emma have walked to our kissing earlier. I guess it might have been racier than usually though. I chuckle to myself on that thought.
"No worries Henry." I make sure to him nevertheless.
At that moment also Neal gives signals that he is waking up again. "I go check on Neal." Snow says quickly and vanishes to our alcove with red cheeks. She is so adorable when she is embarrassed.
Henry is hesitant for a while but then asks softly. "Is there anything new about my mom?"
And that question brings the pain back. I give little glance to blanket on couch before answering. "I´m sorry but no. But I´m sure henry that we fill figure something out. We will find her I promise. Our family always finds each other." I really hope I could believe that myself too, but I´m not so sure this time. We don't even know where to begin looking her, not to mention Emma´s dark one now. Even thinking that breaks my heart and I need to keep myself in check to not start to cry again after getting glimpse of her blanket again on couch, because that would just scare Henry. When Snow comes back to kitchen I nod a little towards blanket because seeing it is too much for me. Luckily she takes the hint and takes it with her to our bed without Henry noticing.
Hour later Henry decides to go to Regina´s and that gives us some time to talk more.
Snow is sitting on bed holding blanket again while watching Neal playing with his toys.
"Are we good?" I ask her. "On my part I don´t have anything against you, believe me." I continue before she has time to answer.
She thinks a little while before answering, but then smiles a little. "I guess, if you are good with it, I think I can get there also. It´s just Emma I´m worried still. How she can ever forgive me, especially now and where she is for that matter?"
I flinch a little when she mentions what was done to Emma, since she isn´t the only one to blame there. I killed Hook, yes on command, but big part of me enjoyed it since I have always been little vary of idea him touching my baby girl. "You´re not only one to apologize Emma. Part of me hurt her just as much without you being part of it." I admit ashamed.
Snow looks me blankly for a minute, not getting what I mean. Then her eyes lit up. "Hook?" she asks.
I nod.
"I commanded you to do it though." She try to make it more her fault.
I nod, but admit in shame. "Yes, but I enjoyed it. You know how much I hate the idea of any man defiling Emma."
Snow laughs fully on that. "Oh I know. If you got your wish she would always be daddy´s little princess."
"Is there anything bad in that?" I chuckle back, playing to be hurt.
"Well dad´s a dad." She admits laughing. But got serious fast again and sniffs fully Emma´s blanket before speaking again. "I feel this blanket and our family is all that is keeping me sane now. I´m so sorry I thought last night you would be better without me."
I sit on the bed and took her in my arms. "Don´t worry about it, we all get doubts from time to time and it matters more what we do eventually about those. Remember Neverland, I did almost the same."
Snow just nods and turns to give me a kiss. Now we stop it short though since it already feels like Neal is starting to look also. "What are we going to do with Emma?" she asks.
I take the blanket from her arms and try to see it as source of strength also. And surprisingly when I smell it I notice what she means. That smell is all and I feel like being that new dad fighting to get his baby girl to safety again. "We do whatever we must, but we will get her back. I promise." And now I even believe those words myself. And for a while we just sit there in each other's arms feeling through blanket at least little bit of Emma close and watch how our son is playing feeling safe and satisfied. Luckily too young to understand his big sister is missing. We will find her and face Doc so Snow can say rest apologizes, but for now there is little quiet in middle of storm.
Listened After Forever: Energize me while writing, listening can give some feels since I think lyrics are perfect for snowing :)
