I am seventeen years old, I should have figured out by now that Life Isn't Fair. Everyone is always saying it but it has never hit home harder than today.

I mean, what cruel God is looking over me? Who out there has it in for me?

Who was in a previous life that made me suffer through a post-breakfast encounter with Jane Fenwick and Maria MacMillan? Was I Grindelwald?

I am a very carnivorous girl, as proved by the raptures that humble beef is able to send me into. So naturally I was delighted to see the breakfast table spread with bacon, sausages, black pudding – all a gal could wish for. Plus, I had a free first thing so even more time to stuff my gob.

I am a woman of simple pleasures.

However, once I was finished luxuriating in the joys of breakfast (AKA when an irate House Elf demanded I leave so they could clear up. Rude) disaster struck.

Of course.

No disasters had occurred until that point, in fact, I had been having a positively lovely day. Lana was cowering in fear of another Sirius-Snog-Attack and I was greatly enjoying that; many a pointed remark was uttered, around mouthfuls of bacon. I found out Lily was doing Astronomy too – perfect for some late night BFF chats (she is so lucky I have decided to become her best pal, she will have so much fun once she realizes we are best friends forever).

And then as I strolled down the corridor in a pleasant dream about just how many jokes I could make about Sirius and Lana before one of them murdered me, I walk right into Fenwick.

Drat. Disaster Count: 1, and counting.

"Watch where you're going, Hartmann."

'Watch where you're going, Hartmann' – of course, I only imitate her posh, girly, dumb voice in my head because I do not wish to die with so many years left ahead of me. Also Lana does not actually look that good in black, so mourning me would be doubly sad for her. (See I am an Ace and Considerate Best Mate. Why are people not queuing up?)

"Merlin, she made Prefect?!" MacMillan is not so much pointing at my chest but forcefully jabbing at my badge. Ow.

This prompts a long rant about Dumbledore's less-than-sound state of mind, my various ineptitudes and general House prejudice about why, for the third year running, neither the Head Boy or Girl is Ravenclaw.

I just keep my gob shut throughout all of this – which is unlike me I know, but it's generally how these all too frequent encounters go down. I'm just not exactly sure why Fenwick and MacMillan specifically hate me so much.

(Well, I do. In one of our very first Transfiguration classes, McG was using a demonstrative toad which she asked me – very foolishly – to clear away, put the rogue amphibian back in its box. Of course, I gripped it too tightly or something and it pooped all over Fenwick's desk then leapt from my hand and dangerously close to her gaping mouth. But that was six years ago!).

There is a posse of Ravenclaw girls in our year that is terribly bitchy – no guessing prizes for the ringleaders of the crew. They're the ones who make up/spread ridiculous rumors, who judge your outfits (we're at school for crying out loud, what does it matter?) and generally give the female population a bad name. Be nice to your fellow ladies, we have it hard enough as it…

"Anyway, I bet this slut's glad even if everyone else is living in fear. Prefect rounds are a perfect opportunity to get accost Lupin…"

Ah, yes, the perpetual rumor spread by Fenwick that I am madly (and nymphomanically) in love with Remus and that he is disgusted by my advances. Literally no one believes it but they insist on trying – you get points for effort, ladies.

"Yep, and I've already scouted out the Prefects' Bathroom. Plenty of room in that tub for nefarious activities and the sides are so high, he won't have a chance to clamber out and escape."

OK, so I don't always keep my gob shut. I just wait for an opportune moment, strike and then run; survival tactics from Steffi Hartmann.

Away from the wretched hags at last! At least I have time to enjoy few minutes of sanctuary in the Common Room before Herbology. Although no Peter this year – sob sob. (Thanks to an almost Hartmann-Level-Disaster he switched mid-way through 6th Year to Runes). What am I going to do without him? I managed to scrape enough to get into the NEWT class but I mean just think about all the potential Disaster in a Greenhouse, working with living plants…. My Disaster Count tends to triple in a Herbology sesh.

Luckily for me, Kettleburn is a terribly absentminded man and I can usually clear up messes before he has a chance to notice and murder me in vengeance of his maltreated plants. Also, his first week of lessons just tend to be lectures on safety, respecting nature and being at one with our beautiful Earth.

I always completely ignore this and use it as a chance to write Marley. (Which I suppose may contribute to a few of my disasters. Ignoring safety lectures is probably not a wise move for someone of my disposition).

Marley is wonderfully clever at Charms and has enchanted a three pieces of parchment so myself, herself and Lana's-self can communicate subtly, no matter what class we're in.

If I tap it and say, "Communicare Marlene" then whatever I write on the parchment sort of looks as if it gets absorbed and will appear on her sheet. She can then respond. If we do, "Communicare" then the writing goes on to everyone's parchment. It is really incredibly nifty.

So while Kettleburn blathers on about dragonhide gloves and first-aid kits, I turn my attention to more worthwhile pursuits.

So, I got Fenwick'd this morning.

Ouch. Already? Where are you, Herbo?

Yep. Safety talks, big yawn. How would you feel about Charming Fenwick so all her hair falls out and when it grows back it's like properly old lady grey and only grows into a perm-like style?

There is no charm for that, you madwoman. What were you and Lana chatting about in the bathroom last night? I fell asleep before she could catch me up.

Ooh, big gossip. Black kissed her on the train yesterday and is now ignoring it completely. She thinks he regrets it, but I don't know.

Wow, major. Yeah, Lana is hot. What about James, though?

Yeah, she's not interested in Sirius. But… I need to tell her something that she's not going to like and you know how Lana can be.

Queen of the Sulk.

Yeah. James madly fancies Lily.

Oof. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. I think I heard Gideon teasing him about that in 5th Year a lot.

5th Year? I thought his asking-her-out thing was a long-running joke, not serious. Damn.

Well, you can relish the task of telling Lana. I don't envy you.

Some sympathy, please. Gideon evidently knows about the Lily-James situation then? A good first lead…

Uh oh, are you going into detective-mode? What about? How have you suddenly become the Gossip Queen of Hogwarts?

Ooh, I like that better than Walking Disaster Zone. Basically, James made some comment about Lily not being as straight-laced as we think, which lead me to wonder….

Indeed. Very intriguing – let me know of your findings. We have Quidditch Try-outs on Saturday, so Gideon will probably celebrating that evening. He'll definitely be back on the team.

You are a Godsend, Marley. You have officially been promoted to Very Best Friend in the World until I manage to trap Lily.

Thanks, I think.

Anyway, I will see you at lunch for more plotting and scheming. You have proved most useful, Ms. McKinnon.

Very ominous, see you then, DZ.

Piss off.

Immediate demotion back to General Miscellaneous Best Friend.


You know, I'm really not sure where I stand with Ty at the moment. I thought that yesterday had been a rollercoaster – from the highs of a Slug Club scroll to the lows of a Dumbledore Doom Scroll. But really it wasn't a Doom Scroll at all, was it? So Ty is still my God of Good Fortune.

Perhaps I should apologize for my earlier indiscretion, labelling him 'Little Shit'. I mean, not that he knows about that but still.


This is all very unfair. One of my Terrible Best Mates is dating Dashing-Dearborn, one of the two hottest guys at school. And the other hottest guy just snogged my other Terrible Mate. All I have is rumors that I am forcing myself upon my non-Terrible Best Mate and that I once did unspeakable things with a Centaur in the Forest (I don't even know how the logistics of it worked out, to be honest. A crap rumor to start with because everyone knows how athletically challenged I am – I would never have been able to achieve the contortions reported).

Hm.

Stefanie Hartmann's To-Do List:

- Write that apology note to mum and try to get Boot Money/Jumpers

- Do good detective work specifically with G. Prewett on Saturday evening

- Apologize to Ty, my Angel of Good Karma

- Tell Lana about James' crush

- Find myself a boyfriend?

I don't know that there is a single man out there who could cope with the amount of Disaster I would bring into his life.

T-minus 10 minutes until Lunch, Disaster Count: 7.


Things One Can Do In Lieu Of Listening to McG Blathering On and On and On:

- Attempt to pick the Hogwarts crest off of your robes because you are officially In - Mourning (due to the lack of nice lunch options. No one likes sausage casserole, not even me) and it's colors are distracting from your somber attire
- Transfigure your equally as distracting tie into lipstick, attach a note saying 'Pucker Up' to it and throw it at your Terrible Best Mate
- Die of humiliation when you miss and hit the other object of this Mockery, Sirius Black
- Pretend it wasn't you by quickly looking away, while internally cursing yourself for not using magic to ensure you hit target
- Frantically mouth apology/explanations at Black who did not fall for your amazingly smooth innocently-looking-away trick

Did you want… something, Hartmann?

Noooo. Not intended for you, sorry to disappoint.

Shall I pass it on to Moony?

You don't listen to Jane Fenwick's bullshit, do you?! Also, do you really think I want to kiss a man in lipstick, no! Hand it to Lana. Not that I wanna kiss her but…

Oh Jesus, no.

Something to tell?

Piss off, Stefanie.

That's very rude. Please stop being an impolite little bugger and pass on my message?

Hey, don't ignore these notes!

I'll keep throwing them.

That lipstick was not for you. You wouldn't suit a fuchsia shade. More of an oxblood red, I reckon.

Drat. A) That was very embarrassing indeed, B) Now Sirius is in a mood with me, which isn't clarifying the whole Lana situation. Is he embarrassed I know because he likes her or because he doesn't? Also, C) that lipstick is actually my tie and I want to Transfigure it back before McGonagall sees me and strips me of Prefect-ship before I can even help any of my protégé DZs.

Thankfully, Sirius has lobbed the lipstick (sans note) back to me. Or rather at me, quite viciously too. He has better aim than me, unfortunately, and it ricochets from my forehead to the desk.

Of course, the noise interrupts whatever deadly dull speech McG is making and she glares at me in a way that would chill the bones of any other person but I am very immune to it by now.

"Sorry!"

She does not look impressed by my heartfelt word. She is eyeing my badge suspiciously! No! Not the badge, please don't take my power away from me before I've put Fenwick in detention!

Minevra is merciful. She just continues back with her tirade against handing in incomplete homework.

Bloody Black.

My last note to him, psh. He reads it this time though and grins back at me, laughing at my misfortunes once again.

Like I said, bipolar. Grouching at me one minute, mocking me the next. Jeez Louise.


Dearest Darling Mother,

I apologize sincerely for saying I would not miss you – I do, already! No one else here appreciates my singing The Crystals loudly and badly in the shower. They certainly don't turn it into a duet from outside the bathroom door like you do. Sigh.

Also, I am very grateful that you did not kidnap Remus when he came to get my trunk after certain fools left it abandoned on our doorstep. You are truly the most wonderful mother.

And I'm not too bad of a daughter either – guess who has been made Prefect! Yes, I know, Hogwarts will be a ruin before the term is out.

Just wanted to check in on the jumper-progress, how is that coming along? Because Scotland is pretty nippy even in September – just imagine the horrors December will bring for your incredible, Prefectly, eternally grateful daughter.

Also, also, also. You know my ankle boots, the black ones? Which I adore and have worn incessantly and more than gotten my money's worth from? Well, they are looking a little well-worn and I sense that their decrepitude could cause serious injury to my body through trips, stumbles and other such falling. Could you possibly buy me a new pair and send them? There are no good shoe shops in Hogsmeade, really.

Eternal love from your -shoeless daughter,

Stef.

Well, at least I've completed one item off the list. Probably time to face up to the worst one, seeing as Lana and I are both just here, lounging around the dorm before dinner.

It won't be too bad. (That doesn't even sound convincing in my own head). Lana won't take the news well, but she might not hex me into the Hospital Wing, seeing as this really isn't my fault. I won't tell her about the Transfiguration Disaster (Total Disaster Count thus far: 13, but this will undoubtedly push it up). I could always present Sirius as a James alternative?

This won't be too bad.


It was very bad. Very bad, indeed, of course. How could I ever think it would be anything else?

I mean, I've known Lana for going-on seven years now and I know what she is like… A very pretty girl who simply cannot hold on to a guy. But who has the misfortune to fall in love pretty hard.

Ilana Diggory's Top 3 Romantic Quandaries:

- Donald Greengrass: she liked him for 3 months (by which I mean obsessed over him) in 3rd Year, they dated for six months (during which she obsessed over him) and he chucked her just before breakfast the day after her birthday. We spent the summer In Mourning. Which was very warm; black clothes seriously absorb the heat.
- Frank Longbottom: very different guy to Don, much quieter and kinder. They dated for four months in 4th Year, he chucked her too.
- Benjy Fenwick: YES THE BROTHER OF A BONAFIDE MONSTER. Started dating at the end of 5th Year, over the summer and then he chucked her before the Yule Ball of 6th Year.

Basically, Lana is a bit too much too handle. Or rather, a bit too much for immature school boys to handle. She is a loud, confident girl and she totally overpowers most guys. She needs someone who can fight back to her sass and spirit.

Her over-the-top passion and loudness and craziness is why she's my ideal best mate but unfortunately, no boys have really appreciated these qualities yet.

They'd rather go for bland Evans. Who, honestly, is a lovely girl, a nice friend to have – kind, smart and sweet. But where's her spark? What makes her stand out to James Potter? Maybe I will find out when we're best buddies.

Although, I'm not sure how much Lana approves of that plan. It might have to stay on the down-low; I can consult Marley on its progress and probably Dumbledore too, seeing as he is evidently so invested in the progress of James and Lily's relationship.

There is a frosty tension in our dorm now, although only Lana and I know why. I gesture between Lily and Lans with a serious of jerky nods and grimaces – Marley, the wonderful human she is, understands what I'm trying to convey. Emmeline Vance offers me a Calming Drought, thinking I'm having a panic attack.

Merlin.

Anyhow, Lana has reacted to the news of Potter's snub with just as much passion as she'd poured into her crush with him. So she is refusing to go down to dinner and is properly In Mourning. She's pulled the drapes around her bed and is wailing sorrowfully into her pillow.

Yes, it's incredibly over-the-top, but I know Lana and I know it's also genuine. So, once again proving my worth as Definitive Best Mate of All Time, I skip dinner too in favor of curling up next to her and alternately hugging her/threatening the life of Potter/trying to stop my tummy from rumbling too loudly.

Eventually she cries herself to sleep – from what I have picked up over the years, crying your heart out over a boy is incredibly exhausting. Lana always sleeps for hours after. Maybe I should get a crush just for cases of insomnia?

Dinner is over and my stomach seriously sounds like it is attempting to digest itself in a futile attempt to get some nutrition from somewhere. So I head up to Remus, who always has a plentiful stash of chocolate in his room.

Petey and James at least look glad to see me, but Sirius seems to have reverted back to being in a huff with me. Does he not realize that the object of his affections is now free of her love for his best mate? He could go in for the kill, if he wanted. Although I feel like telling him that right now might result in the boys' dorm becoming a crime scene which I know Remus would not thank me for, even if I had just been brutally murdered.

I explain (bits) of my dilemma, editing out the proper reason for Lana's distress. To be honest, people who know her don't really expect a valid reason for her emotional extremity. I end with a heart-wrenching plea for sustenance which, really, could be submitted for consideration for that Oscar, along with my other fine pieces of work.

Except I am not getting the reaction I want. Where are you taking me, Lupin? I know the chocolate is back in your room! What do you mean if I go for a walk it'll 'curb my hunger'? You know me and my utterly insatiable stomach! I have no control over the organ, it demands what it wants and I cannot help it!

Oh.

Oh my.

You crafty jackrabbit!

This is it. I always knew I would recognize it when it happened. My Life just Changed Forever. This is better than love or boys.

You can access the Kitchens.

Cue angels fluttering down from Heaven, blowing trumpets and scattering stars around me as I drift in wonderment through Heaven, my own personal Nirvana.

I can access this whenever I want. By tickling a pear. In a painting. I adore this absolutely insane madhouse of a school.

How could Remus have kept this from me? What a secretive little so-and-so! I mean some secret-keeping is necessary (you know, such as my now covert mission to befriend Lily) and I don't begrudge Remus that, but the Kitchens? Really?

Look, I know he's a werewolf. I've been his best friend for six years and those idiots call him Moony, in public. Jeez. I mean, I couldn't give less of a crap. Remus Lupin is still the nicest person I've ever met. And I get why he's never told me, it is big deal even if I don't act like it. Werewolves have very shitty lives, unfortunately.

So I just play dumb.

After berating him from keeping this marvelous discovery from his Truest Friend and eating approximately five servings of lasagna, I properly fill Lupes in on what happened (excluding the Sirius/Lana kiss because that is still too weird and also if I told Remus then Sirius would know I told Remus and there really is no predicting that boy's reaction to anything).

"Yes, unfortunately for Lana, James does like Lily a lot. I agree, I'm not sure exactly what it is – but have you ever seen them talking? I don't know, there is some sort of connection."

I shrug. I've only ever seen them fighting and despite what James said, I do not think that is a manifestation of sexual tension. But what do I know about that?

Evidently Moony is not going to be of much help in my Lily-James explorations so I try a different mission. Detective Hartmann, reporting for duty.

"What about Sirius, he seemed like he was in some emotional distress – is that about a girl?" I say it sort of jokingly – key to being a Top Detective is to always play it cool. I mean, I already know it was about a girl – this girl! Because I've been mocking his hair and weird romantic tendencies.

Remus murmurs, "Who knows? He's always in some kind of emotional distress. Fair enough, I suppose."

Hmm. My Detective Senses are noticing that Remus did not return my jokey tone of voice. Could he have been referring to Sirius Black's troublesome home-life as the source of his other distresses? (I am a pro at this uncovering mysteries shit). I don't really know what went down there but I know Sirius has been living with James' family down in Devon for the past couple of years.

Another mystery to add to my list? It is intriguing, though not as pressing as my other issues at hand. Maybe I'll incorporate it into my Finding-Out-His-Feelings-About-Lana plan.

So many mysteries and so little time.

Before we leave, I ask the House Elves for some chocolate. They only have slabs of the stuff but I take a selection of the different varieties and wrap it up in foil.

No, really, Ty, it was no trouble at all!

I am an incredible human being.

Stefanie Hartmann's To-Do List:

- Write that apology note to mum and try to get Boot Money/Jumpers. DONE.

- Do good detective work specifically with G. Prewett on Saturday evening. INCOMPLETE.

- Apologize to Ty, my Angel of Good Karma. DONE.

- Tell Lana about James' crush. DONE.

- Find myself a boyfriend? NO NEED. The Kitchens satisfy me more than any man ever could.

Ka-boom. I'm a machine.

Disaster Count: 17.


A/N: Hope you're enjoying - let me know!

xoxo Elle