*AN: Don't worry, we know this is a very weird chapter...just go with it. Be on the look out for more soon ;p
Chapter Two: Things Get Freaky
Eleanor Butthoarder was Rhett Butthoarder's mother, and she liked to make sure that everyone knew it. Every since her son and his estranged wife's daughter had died, she knew that Scorlett was no good for her son and his esteemed Mustache. She knew that Mustache almost as well as Butthoarder did, I mean she had given birth to it! She could still recall his birth today, the screaming baby and then that gasping doctor when he pulled out a little boy with a bullet hole in his chin and a thick, furry Mustache on his lips. At first they had been concerned that her son had abnormal hair growth, or perhaps miraculously a wooly muskrat had jumped onto the boy's mouth before the doctor had noticed, but none of those theories were the case. Mustache and Rhett were simply blood brothers, whether one was a human or one was a not so inanimate body part. And so when Eleanor had seen that Rhett took a liking to Ms. Hampton and Mustache had taken a liking to Rattail…well you could say she was sitting pretty. What could be more convenient then her son finding love again, and her furry Mustache son finding love for the first time.
Eleanor Butthoarder was getting breakfast ready for her sons one early morning, pancakes, breakfast sausages, oatmeal, toast and jam muffins, country crock butter bricks, crepes and of course pie and cream... or so she thought, she looked high and low for pie and cream, but they were no where to be found. She sighed and fiddled with her tea service, undoubtedly a fake, but didn't want to hurt her sons feelings for "retrieving it" from the Yankees up north. Mustache awoke with yet another head pounding migraine, and brutal hangover. Mustache smelled the fragrant morning farts and aroma of pancakes coming from Mama Butthoarder's kitchen nook. Captain Candy Beard finally awoke to Mustache pricking his upper lip with displeasure, and pulling his face in the direction of the foods. He got up, threw up, looked up and scratched his balls, both the ones down below and the ones on his chin.
"Ahhh", he stretched and breathed deeply in, "today is going to be a good day."
They sat at the table helping themselves to 8 helpings of gravy and sausage, pancakes and biscuits, jellies and jams and tons of freshly squeezed O.J. at Mama Butthoarder's expense. They giggled fiercely as they watched her struggle with her tender old people anemic arms, as she squeezed every last drop from 3 baskets of oranges she bought at the Sunday Market the previous day, and yes she got the darned sausage! Mustache was pleased with the feast of morn, and purred loudly when he got syrup in his thick black hairs.
This made Mustache scowl when he realized Scorlett would've tried to wipe the sweet maple mess from his 'stache, but also made the reality of Anne and Rat Tail that much sweeter.
Eleanor scuttled over to the table, her face dripping with sweat as she served her son and her Mustache son the second helping of the breakfast feast she had made.
"Did you get enough sleep, dearie?"
"Mmph", grunted Butthoarder as he bit into the fresh, greasy sausage skin and teared at the fat on the inside.
"Rwawawa", Mustache concurred.
"That's good, I see you like that darn sausage I spent the whole morning toiling to make".
"It's ok", was his curt reply.
"Roray".
Eleanor smiled and then promptly forgot what she had just asked and her sons' replies to it, the beginning symptoms of Alzheimer's…that, or forgetting was easier to handle then the truth of her sons' snippiness toward her.
"Were you up late, I didn't hear you get home till after my gardening club left?"
"I was out with Anne Hampton, Mother", Rhett replied eyeing the cream pie that mysteriously decided to show up, one eyebrow cocked fiercely.
"Ohh, Ms. Hampton! Really?"
"Pass the pie, Mother".
"RIE!" Mustache demanded.
"Ohh, Ms. Hampton! Really?"
"PIE, MOTHER!"
"Pie…?" Her thoughts trailed off and then Rhett and Mustache's fierce gaze caught her attention as she realized she had just made his favorite pie with cream and had laid it on the table.
"Ahhh, RIE!" she laughed to herself and served her sons a piece. "Anyway, back to Ms. Hampton…what did you two do?"
Rhett bit into the pie, its insides smooshing out into his mouth and covering Mustache in its creamy goodness. He smacked his lips, licked Mustache and then replied with a waggle of his brow, "We talked about her prerogatives".
"What are they?"
"That I'm her prerogative, Mother…or more she is mine".
Eleanor smiled not realizing what a douche her son was.
"And Mustache, how is Ms. Anne's Rattail doing?"
"Ohh, I think they have reached their prerogatives as well", Rhett winked down at Mustache, which looked quite stupid since he went cross eyed when he did so.
"Ruuruuu", Mustache winked back.
"Hohoho, you boys…you're so devious!" Ms. Butthoarder giggled, getting up from the table and about to leave the dinning room.
"HEY! Where are you going? RHETT WANT MORE PIE!"
Meanwhile, off on the other side of town, Scorlett was grabbing her remainders of clothing and dildos when she received a loud raging knock at the door. She turned off her new vibrator, smiled agreeably down at it, shoved it in her hatbox and headed to the door, (Hey, they say you give up one addiction for another) her frilly dress bows flappin' behind her. She opened it only to receive a furious Anne Hampton scowling at the door.
"May I come innn?" Her eyes were burning with hate. Before Scorlett could answer she pushed passed her and plopped down on the overly embellished couch, straightening one of her nasty little top hats and fixing her choker.
"What in the heck are you doing here? I'm busy and I have to say I don't like your face, your attitude, or your tiny little boingly-zoinglies-mosquito bites- breasticles!"
Anne just looked down and sighed, then got up and spit in Scorlett's eye sending them into a hair pulling slap fest. There were sharp pointy little dagger teeth marks in Anne's arms and shoulders, Rat Tail did a number on Scorlett's left boob, and a lot of scratches. They fought for a good half hour until they got tired and decided a lunch break was necessary to discuss the hot new gossip around town.
"So why did you spit in my eye exactly?" A snarling Scorlett asked.
"Well, I knew how you betrayed Big Daddy Suede, and he has such a heart of gold you know...it just rubbed me the wrong way."
"You know that Ashley Moleman and I didn't do anything together, we were merely having a drink, or three, together in his room..."
There was a long pause; total silence for longer then it had to be comfortable. Then, a sneaky little squeaker slipped its way out of Scorlett's anus, making the smell engulf Miss Hampton. Another pause, and then Anne leapt at Scorlett full force; with a war cry that of an Indian god. They brawled and beat each other as much as they could, Scorlett pulled out her black dildo the size of a ruler and started bashing Anne in the back of the head while Anne ripped Scorlett's corset strings, pulling them tighter and tighter until she passed out, limp on the floor.
"Take that, Scorlett, you evil Tart."
And with that, Anne picked up the dildo, shoved it up her skirts, and walked out.
