Chapter Two
"You know…" Eric began, clearly avoiding Tami's eyes, "you know how when I started grad school you told me to watch out because some of my fellow female students might flirt with me, and - "
"- you laughed it off because they'd be nearly half your age and you never thought it would happen?"
"And you told me not to laugh, that I was a damn good-looking man, and that some women like older men, and –
"- your maturity and confidence would be sexy to them –
"- and I said, nah, that would never happen?"
"It happened?" Tami asked.
"Yeah."
"A fellow graduate student? Not some college kid you're teaching?"
"Hell, no. You know I'd run far and fast if that happened."
She laughed, recalling a story her friend Glenn had told her, of a time when a high school girl had tried to flirt with Coach Taylor in the halls of Dillon High to piss off her boyfriend, and he had almost literally run down the hall the other way, terrified of saying or doing anything that could be deemed the least bit inappropriate. "I know." But then her smile faded. "So…you're saying you didn't run far and fast when this fellow graduate student flirted with you?"
He ran a finger up and down the stem of his wine glass. She didn't like that he was still avoiding eye contact. She felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. "Eric?"
"I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't at all prepared for this. You know, I've been flirted with by women my age before, or older. But they knew I was married, knew I loved my wife, half the time I didn't think they meant a damn thing by it, and it always made me uncomfortable anyway. But…"
He glanced at her like he was expecting her to say something, finish his thought for him so he wouldn't have to. When she didn't say anything, he continued, "…this is the first time I've been flirted with by a young woman who is not under my authority, who shares something with me that you don't – interest in the subjects I'm studying – who can appreciate my knowledge in that area, and - "
" - It was flattering."
"Yeah. I guess it was." He lifted his eyes slightly, just enough to see her face. "After my evening class last night, we went out for drinks."
"What?" She spit the question out, tersely, a sound that was mixed with anger, accusation, and fear. If he had come back later than usual, she hadn't known it. He usually got home from his Tuesday class by 10, but exhausted from a long day, she had crawled into bed shortly after putting Grace down.
"Not alone. Not just us. I mean a whole group of students - we all went out for drinks together."
A wave of relief washed over Tami, but it was not enough to drown the turmoil she was still feeling.
"And that's when she kind of flirted with me. Well, she'd done it before after class a couple of times. But that's when …that's when I really flirted back. And I just want to say I'm sorry. And it won't happen again."
"When you say you flirted, what do you mean by that?"
"You know, I smiled and joked and tried to make her laugh, and…she patted my knee once…and I didn't try to put her off."
"And?"
"And…that's all. That's all that happened."
"Damn it, Eric!"
"I'm sorry, Tami. I swear, I won't go out for drinks again if she's in the group. I swear – "
"No! I mean damn it for starting to talk to me with this hang dog guilty look of yours, and then explaining it all so gradually. You had me thinking it was something really serious, like maybe you had made out with her, like maybe even you were having an affair – and that's it? You almost gave me a heart attack, Eric. Damn it!"
"Sorry, hon." He looked her directly in the eyes for the first time since he had begun speaking about the subject. His voice was hesitant, unsure. "So you're not mad at me?"
"Mad? For being a male of the human species? No, I'm not mad." She tried to sound less emotional than she actually was. She didn't fault him for letting himself be flattered, but she also didn't think that he would have bothered to come to her if that was all this was about. And it was occurring to her for probably the first time in their marriage that, given the right circumstances, her husband might actually be capable of straying. As calmly as she could, she proceeded, "But I suppose you're only telling me this because you feel a real temptation here. And you're thinking maybe you have a real opportunity to act on that temptation."
"I guess."
She stared into the wine in her glass and watched the lightly rippling red liquid. A small piece of sediment had floated unnoticed on its surface and become lodged near the edge.
"Tami, please…Don't say I'm going through a midlife crisis."
"I'm not." Even if he was. The term may have become a societal joke, but that didn't mean there wasn't a real, near universal experience behind it. That didn't mean Eric – reeling in the wake of all these recent life changes - wasn't grasping for something to fill some hole she couldn't seem to help him fill, no matter how hard she tried. She'd been able to make him feel good about himself for so long that she'd come to take that power for granted. But maybe this time it was just beyond her. Maybe she couldn't do anything but sit beside him and weather the tempest with him until it passed. "I'm just glad you talked to me about this," she continued, "because that means you're giving us a chance before something more happens here." She used her reassuring counselor's tone, but inside she was a tightly wound ball, still surprised and injured by the thought he might be seriously tempted.
"I'll just…I'll just avoid her."
"If you're in classes together, and she's interested in you, and that ring on your finger hasn't stopped her from coming on to you, then you can't just avoid her completely."
Eric had put his wine glass down and was bent over. He now ran a hand through his moppish brown hair and sighed. "Tell me what you want me to do."
"This should be a conversation, Eric. It shouldn't just be me telling you what to do." She put her wine down too, with a glassy clank against the table. "You know, the way you just came and told me what to do when you saw Glenn and I laughing in my office back in Dillon." It was a cheap shot, she knew. She had thrown it in to remind him that men were attracted to her, too, that he wasn't the only object of romantic interest, that he, too, had to be on his guard to keep her. It was an attempt to level the suddenly distorted power balance, to reassure herself.
"Yeah, you weren't too receptive to that. But you know what, Tami? I on the other hand am very receptive to what you want me to do in this situation."
"Well of course I wasn't receptive! You were yelling at me about Glenn, telling me I was disrespecting you, disrespecting our family, disrespecting God – "
"I did not say God. I - "
"- and it's easier for you to be receptive in this situation, because I'm not yelling at you! I'm not barking orders at – "
"Actually, Tami, you are yelling at me! Right now you're yelling at me and – "
" - but I wasn't yelling at you a minute ago! And I'm only yelling at you now because –"
She stopped abruptly when he started laughing. She smiled tersely. "It was getting a little ridiculous there for a minute, wasn't it?" she asked.
"Yeah. Let's not fight about something that happened back in Dillon. Let's talk about what's going on right now. I'm serious. What do you want me to do?"
"First off, I want you to pour me another glass of wine."
He picked up the bottle and topped off her glass. She lifted it from the table and sipped it quietly for awhile. He watched her sip and waited for her to say something. Finally, he picked up his own glass and began drinking. At last, she spoke. "Don't go out for drinks after class if she's in the group."
"I already said I wouldn't do that."
"Just come home to your family."
"A'right."
"If she flirts with you before or after class, work it into the conversation that you're married."
"She knows I'm married."
"Emphasize it. She knows you're married, but she doesn't necessarily know you know you're married, if you know what I mean."
Eric nodded.
"Better yet, work into the conversation that you're a grandfather. Mention Henry three or four times."
He looked at her sharply. Yeah, she thought, that ought to do it. He didn't seem to like that suggestion. He was too flattered by this young woman's attentions to want to do that. "I'm serious," she said.
"I can see that."
"How old is this woman?"
"I don't know…26, 27 maybe. I didn't ask. She said she'd been out of college a few years before she started back for her master's."
"What's her name?"
"That doesn't matter. That's not important."
"What's her name?" Tami asked the question more firmly this time.
"I told you, it's not – "
"What is her name?"
"Bambi! Okay, it's Bambi."
"Bambi?"
He laughed sharply. "No. No, hon it's not Bambi." Talking through his laughter, he said, "You should see your face right now."
"Eric, I'm about to smack you."
"Okay. Okay. I'll tell you. It's Shawanda."
She did smack him, only half playfully and with more force than she had meant to, on his shoulder. He spilled his wine.
"Shit," she muttered, and got up quickly and went to the hall closet. She yanked open the door and pulled out a can of carpet spray and a wash cloth. When she returned, she sprayed the carpet, got down all fours, and began scrubbing.
He kneeled next to her. "I'll get it, Tami."
She kept rubbing the carpet.
"Stop! I'll get it."
She ignored him and started rubbing harder.
"I said I'd get it!"
She scrubbed fiercely, gripping the washcloth on either side and pushing it deep into the carpet, the white cloth growing red. And then she started crying.
He took the washcloth from her hands and took her in his arms. Kneeling beside her, he cradled her head beneath his chin and waited for her crying to stop.
"I'm sorry, babe," he said through clenched teeth. "I didn't do anything. And I'm not going to do anything. I swear. I'm sorry I told you. I would never do anything, so I never should have told you. It was stupid of me to tell you. I'm an idiot."
"No," she muttered, resting her head against his chest. "It would have been stupid of you not to tell me. Because then you might have let it…now that you've told me, I know for sure you won't. I'm just…I'm just…I just feel old and ugly right now."
He tilted her face up to his and kissed away the last of her tears. "I love you," he murmured. He kissed her eyelids and her forehead and her cheeks. "I love you, Tami, my beautiful wife."
Eric raised Tami up onto the couch and pulled her against him. "I am so lucky to have you," he whispered. "I am so lucky to have this kind of marriage where we don't let things get away from us. Where we can really talk to each other." He looked into her eyes, a glistening wetness at the edges of his own. "I want to grow old with you, Tami Taylor. Promise me you'll let me grow old with you."
Her response was barely audible, a guttural, half yes, drowned out by the reassuring pressure of his lips on hers.
