Pairings: IdolworShipping (TraceyXOak), SpankthemonkeyShipping (GaryXHimself)
Gary hated Tuesday. Why he hated Tuesday rather than Monday was a mystery, but Gary certainly was a mystery in his own right. He had a band of cheerleaders who followed him everywhere, yet none of them seemed to be getting preggers like they would around Brock. He always wore a yin-yang necklace, but its meaning remained unclear. But, returning to the topic, Gary absolutely positively despised Tuesdays, because Tuesday was when his perverted grandfather, Samuel Oak, trounced around in his underwear to Norwegian death metal and invited Tracey, his "personal assistant" (as the English dub companies conveniently call live-in boy toys) to compete against him in a spirited bout of Dance Dance Revolution, all while wearing nothing but skivvies and an apron. Occasionally they invited Ash's mother to join them, but alas, she had left after deciding to become a swimsuit model after winning the contest at Acapulco. She beat out Jessie, who was just plain good looking in her own right; Misty, who was a blatant piece of jailbait thrown in to appease the "older" fans of the show; and James, who by the aid of the wonderful force of a tire pump, had inflated himself to an E-cup. Gary took out his mallet and gave the author a few nice sharp whacks to the skull, forcing her back on topic again. Sigh. As I was saying, Gary hated Tuesdays, so he strolled out into the bright and sunny fields of Pallet Town, surrounded by the infamous Grass of Death.
Now the Grass of Death, as those who have played Red and Blue version may remember, was a patch of grass surrounded by some sort of force field which could only be penetrated by the mythic weapon known as Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay. The Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay could only be obtained by venturing through the horrible Forest of Local-Mall to the Temple of Electronics-Boutique and sacrificing to the altar of Too-lazy-to-beat-the-damn-game-myself-so-I'll-just-cheat. Gary, being a POKEYMAN MASTAR, happened to own one of these, as the only reason he was so strong was because he Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replayed all his Pokemon to level 255 and all stats to 999. Gary took out his trusty ASGBR and threw it onto the force field, at which point it promptly exploded and all his Pokemon reverted to level 2 Pidgeys. He then stepped over the remaining barrier, which was made of crappy 8-bit shapes resembling cylindrical traffic cones somewhat, and ventured into the Grass of Death...
It was just like any other patch of grass when he first stepped in, as the Grass of Death was behind a ditch. Using his POKEYMAN MASTAR powers, he flew over the ditch and landed in the grass. He had one of his 128 Master Balls with him so he was ready to catch anything. Suddenly, as he turned around, some sort of Pokemon leapt out at him... It was a uL.uM.4, one of the Glitchy Things That Look Like 8-bit Poptarts, renowned for its special ability to evolve into a Clefairy and then directly to Nidoking. As he sent out one of his army of Level 2 Pidgeys, the uL.uM.4 immediately used its Cooltrainer attack followed up by a harsh TM54 strike. Now you may say those attacks don't exist, or worse yet, that TM54 is an actual item, but in the Grass of Death, glitch Pokemon ran free and used whatever the hell kind of attack they felt like. And as a technical note, TM54 is actually HM04, but uL.uM.4 doesn't have to care about technicalities, since it is one itself. Gary immediately sent out another level 2 Pidgey on the uL.uM.4, which immediately overwhelmed the wretched creature with the fury of a harsh Rolling Kick and Cooltrainer combo off of a level 7 base attack of 22. Ouch. Gary was down to his last 300 Pidgeys, having caught two to Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay into each species of Pokemon that existed in Kanto, plus Mew. Gary finally said to himself, "Why the hell am I just standing here when I have 128 Master Balls?" and promptly chucked one at the uL.uM.4. It was captured and Gary added it to his belt and input it into the Pokedex.
Sadly, the Pokedex, with its primitive technology and the fact that Professor Oak had spilled a bottle of vodka on it, proved to be inferior to the glitch, and ceased to operate. Gary then took out his Glitchdex, incorrectly input it as Hex Value D5, and tried to teach his new uL.uM.4 some new moves.
He took out a TM29, a TM13, a TM48 and a TM26 and taught all four to the uL.uM.4, now conveniently nicknamed "Fluffy", despite the fact that it was made of jumbled sections of towns and 8-bit people which, when viewed at a slight distance, looked like a black-and-blue Poptart, and there was absolutely nothing fluffy about it at all. Those were his best TMs, and he planned for Fluffy to use them well. He saved his game and went to sleep, dreaming of a strong uL.uM.4 to protect him and make him the envy of that stupid Ash.
When he woke up a 3 A.M. on Wednesday morning, he grabbed his Gameboy and turned it on. Now don't argue with me the technicalities of how a resident of a Gameboy game could turn it on and off at will, or even play the system he starred in. But Ash had a NES, so Gary had a Gameboy to show he was far more active. When he flicked the power switch on to check on his uL.uM.4, he was horrified to see that his entire save file had been corrupted and he had been transported back to the Grass of Death, except it was all jumbled now with chunks of houses, random sections of water, floating numbers, and a strange cave that had inadvertently appeared. Gary grabbed his trusty mallet and again knocked out one of the author's teeth for misusing an adverb, even though he himself wasn't quite sure what it meant. He just wanted an excuse to hit someone after uL.uM.4 and its residence of Glitch City had apparently eaten his Blue version. He turned the game off, throwing it in the trash, and was glad that the real Grass of Death didn't appear to contain such anomalies.
Gary rushed downstairs to see Tracey making breakfast in his little pink apron that Professor Oak insisted he wear. Professor Oak, thankfully wearing pants today, was sitting at the table reading a girlie magazine. Gary shot him a look ranging somewhere from total disgust to blatant frustration. He grabbed the carton of "100 percent come from natural" orange juice they had bought at the local Oriental food store and a bowl of laspberries, as raspberries were called in the land of Kanto. Gary found it funny that many products in Kanto were worded in so-called "Engrish", having a perfect knowledge of proper English himself because he was Gary and he knew everything. He smelled something odd and looked over at Tracey, who apparently was doing something other than cooking that resembled more the act of welding. Tracey was holding a welding torch to a piece of toast, burning a design on it. As of late, Tracey's artisitc skills were becoming more and more destructive, ranging from painting a giant penis on the side of the Pokemon Lab to making a disgustingly accurate representation of Professor Oak's reproductive system out of potato salad. As evidenced by his subject matter, he was becoming more and more influenced by Professor Oak every day. Tracey ran over and waved at Professor Oak the pornographic scene he had skillfully torched into the toast, giggling insanely. Oak's face wrinkled up with a giant perverted grin, and they ran off to Professor Oak's room, which Gary had learned the hard way at the tender age of three not to go into without knocking.
Gary sighed. His grandfather was such a pervert, and he was tainting Tracey beyond all recovery by giving him too much experience with "artistic nudes". Gary went downstairs to his room, which had a flatscreen TV that covered a whole wall and a huge stereo system and everything he could ever have wanted, because even though Professor Oak was a perverted old coot, he still spoiled his grandson. Gary threw off his shirt and collapsed on the couch.
After a bit Gary grew bored of lying on the couch, and grabbed a mirror. The sight of himself made his lower lip tremble. How was it possible that such a beautiful (albeit self-absorbed) boy could look back at him from behind the glass? He ran his fingers through his hair and put on a sultry pout, trying out several sexy poses. Finally he threw off his baggy black pants and danced around in his polkadot boxers for a bit. He was far better at Dance Dance Revolution than either Professor Oak or Tracey, but he refused to compete against a couple of noobs, despite the fact that he could and did challenge the pathetically noobalicious Ash at every opportunity. He justified this with the fact that Ash wasn't nearly as perverted as Oak and Tracey, not counting the time in the fifth grade when they compared sizes in the locker room. Gary won, if anyone cares anymore because he won everything. However, it is a huge insult to be malleted a third time by a now-naked boy, so the author promises she will stay on topic now... oh, great. This little sidetrack caused a plot hole. WELL LA DE FREAKIN DA. You'll just have to forget there was a plot hole and read what happens next, because this is like the best story evar and it totally pwnzorz all these fics written by people with natural talent! Now where were we... Gary found it extremely fun. It was like playing one of those old arcade games with the joystick except ten times as enjoyable. He knew very well why it was referred to as a joystick. But it was all over too quick, and the fruits of his labor were nothing more than a plastic bag full of contents not to be mentioned here. He yanked his boxers back on and kissed the mirror one last time, then put everything else back on and headed back upstairs, only to bump into Tracey, with wet hair and wearing nothing but a towel.
"Gary? Oh, there you are! Professor Oak wanted to know where the cooking oil went." Gary reluctantly handed the bottle to Tracey, knowing full well what it was for, because nobody ever cooked anything in the Oak household, ever. Gary smirked as Tracey left. He still had the whipped cream.
Gary went back downstairs and sat down on the couch, looking around the room. It was spotlessly clean, as he was a huge neat freak. He looked around and to his horror saw a camera in the corner of his ceiling. Had that been there the whole time? He ran up and tried to take it down, but a five-foot-six young man can't exactly reach a camera stuck at the top of a ten-foot ceiling. He eventually gave up and put a tape in the VCR, which he still had because he was old school like that. As the "Rodeo Bloopers" tape slid into the maw of the VCR, a voice came over the PA system installed recently to the Pokemon Lab. "Hello, Gary."
Gary whirled around, staring at his wall TV, on which Professor Oak's unshaven visage became visible. "Gary, you're so low-tech. I think it's quaint that you still use a VCR. All my porn is on DVD."
"Grampa! It's not porn, I swear! It's Rodeo Bloopers! I'm not you, Grampa!"
Professor Oak laughed. "Gary, actually you are. I cloned you off of me fifteen years ago."
"Then how did I get a sister if I'm a clone of you?"
Professor Oak's expression turned sour. "Oh, her. Well, you see, I was told when I was twenty-five that I was sterile... but then the hooker we hired for my fiftieth birthday forgot the birth control and boom! Nine months later she dumps Daisy on my doorstep."
Gary fell to his knees. "What are you saying?"
"Gary... I AM YOUR FATHER."
Gary let out a long and sorrowful Darth Vader-ish "NO!" and ran out of the lab, taking only his Master Balls of which only 127 now remained. He quit his job as the League Champion and ran away to the tiny island of the clever name "Seven Island". He bought a house and lived there alone, defeating all the noobs who dared challenge him with his Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replayed level 255 3TRAINERPOKe, uL.uM.4 and Female Symbol champ team. Finally, the day of reckoning came--he was to face Ash.
"It's time, Gary. I'm gonna beat you once and for all!" Ash said in his squeaker voice. Gary hated Ash's voice. They were both supposed to be fifteen with the advent of the Hoenn episodes, but Ash still had an unchanged voice and seemed to be in permanent squeaker mode.
"Not a chance, Ash! Go, 3TRAINERPOKe!"
"Pikachu, go!"
Pikachu, however, was apparently not in fighting form. He had a five o'clock shadow and was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, taking a long swig every couple of minutes and singing some Pikachu song to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Pikachu stumbled a bit and then fell over, spilling the remaining few sips of whiskey.
"Come on, Pikachu! Get up! ...Please?"
But Pikachu was passed out drunk. Because he was only one foot three and fourteen pounds, a whole bottle of hard whiskey really did a number on him. Ash turned to his last resort and pulled out a syringe.
"Okay, Pikachu. You'll just feel a little prick and then you'll feel really strong and powerful... okay, I'm done!" Ash tossed the used syringe aside, and it stabbed some old lady in the shoulder and she grew a foot taller and gained fifty pounds of muscles.
Pikachu's ears perked up, and he stood up slowly as his yellow fur bristled out over his rapidly expanding muscles. Gary could hear the opposing Pokemon's spine crack loudly as it shot six feet into the sky, carrying the yellow rat's head and spreading shoulders with it as sharp claws sprouted three inches long from its now sausagelike fingers. His teeth ripped out of his gums and grew to stick out above his lower lip, and his lightning-bolt tail was pulsing with veins. Finally, in a last flourish of strength, the top of Pikachu's head sprouted huge, sharp yellow spikes, and he was now wearing an orange fighting uniform with a navy belt. A saffron aura blazed about him, as his multiplied energy was too much to be held inside of the now seven-foot-tall creature. Pikachu had done it with the aid of a shot of steroids: he had gone Super Saiyan.
Gary's eyes bugged out. "What the hell is that thing?"
"It's a Super Saiyan Pikachu. Pikachu, use Kame-Hame-Thunderbolt!"
"PIKAAAAAA!" he shouted in his booming, deep voice, as a huge blob of electrical energy began growing between his palms. It fired off in a huge sonic blast of sound and blinding light, causing Gary to get out his cardboard hiding box and hide his head in it.
When Gary's eyes finally refocused, he saw his 3TRAINERPOKe lying in a twitching heap, shorting out from the overload on its glitchy circuits. He sent out the uL.uM.4 and watched in horror as what appeared to be its head was bitten off and swallowed and its poptarty body was flung aside. Gary sent out a Mewtwo and screamed as it was smashed inside the Super Saiyan Pikachu's fist. He finally sent out Female Symbol, hoping she would stand a chance.
At the sight of Female Symbol Pikachu shrunk to a normal size and fell over, the effects of the bottle of Jack Daniels returning full force and knocking him out cold. The force of Female Symbol's overwhelming femininity neutralized the excess androgens flowing through Pikachu's veins due to the steroid injection. Gary stood up from being knocked over by the force of sending out Female Symbol and brushed himself off. "I guess I win."
Ash stood up as well. "Wow, Gary! You're really good. And you're hot too! I love you!"
Gary stared at Ash. "What? What's wrong with you?"
Ash ran over to Gary and hugged him. "Oh, Gary, I've secretly been in love with you this whole time, and the only way I could say it was by being your punching bag in Pokemon battles. Ever since we compared sizes in the fifth grade, I knew I wanted to be with you."
Gary pushed Ash off. "Eww, get away from me you creep! The only one who can love me is me!"
Ash fell to the ground in classic uke fashion and began bawling. "Gary...! Don't be so mean! I just came out of the closet for you and now you hate meeeee! It's not fair! Why do I have to love another guy? Waaaaah!!!" With that, Ash took out his exacto knife and began slashing away at his left arm. Pikachu awoke partially from his drunken stupor and stumbled onto Ash's lap. Ash petted his pickled Pokemon and sobbed, "Oh, Pikachu, you're the only one who understands..."
Gary was growing tired of listening to Ash cry, so he jumped on his Kangaskhan and flew away to Pallet Town. (Yes, flew. Gary's 'M evolved into a Kangaskhan and still knew Fly.)
As Gary strolled through the door of the Pokemon Lab, he was greeted by Tracey, who was bringing Oak back some printer paper wearing only a bondage harness and a black Speedo. "Oh, hi, Gary! You're just in time. Gramps was just about to steal your porn tape collection."
"I told him that wasn't porn! It's rodeo bloopers! All of it is rodeo bloopers!!" Gary shouted, running into the bedroom. "Gramps! That better not be my rodeo bloopers you're watching!"
"Oh, hello, Gary! Would you like to watch 'Bulging Thighs' with me and Tracey?" Professor Oak asked, waving a DVD box featuring underage kids.
"Sure," Gary mumbled, hopping onto the bed. Tracey joined them and took out the notebook he had half filled with pictures of Professor Oak and Ash's mom and started doodling a particularly graphic scene of himself and the Professor. Gary frowned, trying to hide his disgust by picking up the only non-dirty magazine in the room, which happened to be Popular Science. He wondered why the Professor, who supposedly wrote his own magazine on science, would have something as low-tech as this in his magazine rack, but as soon as Gary saw the porn ad on page 174, it all made sense.
Gary fell asleep while the movie played, as this kind of thing bored him. Gary only banged the wang to pictures of himself, because he was the only one worthy of him. Professor Oak, however, and Tracey by proxy, apparently had a different set of standards when it came to such matters. When he woke up, he was glad that Tracey and Oak had gone into the shower or something, becuase they weren't in the room. Gary paid it no mind and went back downstairs.
He struck a couple more shirtless poses in front of the mirror, purring, "Oh, Gary, you sexy thing." He lied down to sleep on the couch as he chucked a rock at the author for improper use of a verb. Gary thought about how lucky he had it, in a rare moment of humility. He had a huge room and a wall TV and a huge stereo system and anything he asked the Professor to buy him, he got. Gary didn't really mind living with his perverted grandpa and his dopey boy toy, because he knew he'd never sink as low as them.
Or would he? The author laughed evilly as she typed the final line.
---
"HOLD IT, HOLD IT!" A voice blasted through Psychoswordlady's room. "What the hell do you think you're doing writing this crap?! You're tainting the minds of innocent children!"
"Oh, Officer Jenny!" Psycho replied. "No, I'm not tainting the children! They all know all the cuss words before they're seven and they know thae three major positions by the time they're nine. I'm not corrupting them any further than they already are."
"Yeah, but this? This crosses the line! Professor Oak with kiddie porn? Gay Ash? Steroid Pikachu? Gary beating his meat on a public site? My god, woman! What are you thinking?!"
"I'm thinking you need to go check out Oak's office for kiddie porn instead of worrying about innocent authors like me." With that, Psychoswordlady began writing Chapter Three...
