The Second Worst Day of the Year

BPOV

I woke up on Saturday with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, but it took a moment to remember why. Oh yeah. My birthday. How could I already be twenty, when I'd never wanted to see the end of seventeen? I'd always vaguely disliked my birthday, uncomfortable with the expectation to feel different, the pressure to have fun. The only day worse now, was the day after my birthday. The day he had left, disappearing without a backward glance. "It will be as if I never existed," he'd said, his voice still sweet and velvety even as it broke my heart. What a liar he was. It was me who no longer existed.

I didn't know anyone at school my first semester, and I'd spent my last birthday alone. The University of Texas was plenty big enough to get lost in, if you were so inclined. But somehow after awhile I'd stopped just being depressed and empty. I was depressed and empty and . . . bored. I was so bored I'd let Mike take my virginity over Christmas break, since it seemed so important to him. Explaining to him why I didn't want to do it again had been awkward, considering I hadn't really wanted to do it the first time.

I hadn't slept with anyone since, but I had addressed the boredom issue by making some friends. I'd met Alice in an animal biology class in the spring. We'd been the only ones to find the lectures incredibly funny. I mean, there were birds that couldn't tell what size something was, so they thought anything round and white was an egg. They would seriously try to incubate a soccer ball. That shit was hilarious. To me and Alice at least.

Alice was tiny and hyper, and she was almost always smiling. But she wasn't happy. She was so smart, but school just killed her. Every day getting up for class and getting herself to campus was a battle. Every day forcing herself to sit down and do her homework was a struggle. And she actually had a goal in mind (she wanted to go into fashion merchandising). I can't imagine how she would have fared if, like me, she was just going to college because she really didn't know what else to do with herself. Her boyfriend Jasper was sweet and Southern (and gorgeous), and he was more stable. Even though he was only a freshman, he always ended up taking care of her.

There was no way to explain to Alice that I couldn't really celebrate my birthday, couldn't happily mark another year pulling me farther away from seventeen, where Edward would always stay. I couldn't disappoint her when she was so excited to take me out. At least I had lucked out this year with a single room assignment, so I didn't have to face anyone for a few hours. By the time Alice came to pick me up I'd managed to work up a small measure of enthusiasm for our night out, going to our favorite bar to check out a new band Jasper had heard about. "Bella. I know you are not planning on wearing that out." Alice said as soon as I answered the door.

"What?" I said, glancing down at my jeans, Flaming Lips t-shirt, and Converse sneakers.

"Yeah, what, my sentiments exactly. Luckily, I brought your present with me!" Alice exclaimed musically, bouncing up and down. Uh-oh, Alice's taste tended to be a little . . . flashier than mine. She did have the body for it, if I had her incredibly smooth skin and slinky curves, I'd probably want to show it off a little too. Her collection cleavage-bearing dresses and v-neck tops managed to make her look adorable and sexy at the same time. Her habit of excitedly bouncing up and down in them tended to slow the minds of males of all ages, which was a bad combo considering the speed she talked at. She seemed used to repeating herself.

I reached into the tissue paper and came up with a slinky black and gold top with a draped neckline that looked like it would fall to my belly button.

"There's more!" Alice said, practically jumping up and down. I reached in again and this time came up with a pair of black fuck-me heels with Roman style leather straps criss-crossing all the way up and around the ankle.

I changed into my new outfit in the bathroom, and I had to admit, I looked pretty good. I hadn't really realized the full extent of it until I saw myself in more revealing clothes, but my figure had changed some over the past couple of years. Which was a damn waste. My chest was fuller, and the curve of my hips was more pronounced. The new shoes made my legs look longer and sexier, and they made my butt look fantastic. I smiled wryly at myself in the mirror and leaned in. "See. You can do this." I whispered, shaking my head to forget the sudden urgent, useless wish that Edward could see me. Maybe it would be easier to forget in a few years, once I really was too old for him and it really was too late for him to come back. I had an ongoing debate with myself about what age the drop dead line really was. Not that it mattered. Edward had a new life, and probably a new name now, and I doubted whether he would even remember whether he met me in Forks or Juno. All those decades of high school had to run together a bit. Choosing a sunny place like Austin, where he could only live a half life, was an act of defiance. Knowing I would never find him, I refused to chase him, even a little bit by going to school somewhere he might pick. I'm not sure if it was a final act of pride in case he was watching, or if I just couldn't bear to admit to myself that I was still hoping for him to come back. It was marginally easier to tamp down the unwanted rushes of expectation when the sun was brightly shining, it was rainy days when I saw him under every umbrella and whipped around at every passing silver car.

Alice and Jasper both grinned when I came back into the room. "Hey Bells, you look cute as a bug's ear," Jasper said as though delivering a compliment. I furrowed my brow and shot a side-long glance at Alice. What? She just shrugged and rolled her eyes. "I don't know. It's endearing." Jasper didn't bother asking us what we were talking about, he was used to our half aloud conversations and used to ignoring them.

The bar was already pretty crowded when we got there, and by the time Jasper went to get us a second round of drinks we were packed shoulder to shoulder. Before Edward left me staring into the abyss where my life used to be, I thought that people in high school were just drinking to be cool, or to rebel against their parents, or to have an excuse for casual sex. I wish someone had told me earlier how great it is. I mean, why did all the teen drinking and teen drug use commercials act like peer pressure was the main temptation? No one mentioned in those ads what a relief it was to stop thinking for a few hours. No one told me how soothing it was to have just a few moments not being quite yourself, of not having to listen to yourself thinking the same stupid thoughts over and over again. Unfortunately tonight was my birthday, so distraction was going to be more difficult than usual. I started humming the Beatles song "Birthday" in my head, trying to clear my head of useless memories.

You say it's your birthday!

Drink.

Gonna have a good time!

Drink. Drink.

Edward doesn't love you and he never did!

Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.

When the band finally came on, the audience went wild, probably more from excitement to get things moving than from excitement over a local band. I couldn't see the stage, even though we were only a few feet from it, a wall of oversized guys towered in front of me. The music more than compensated for the cramped conditions though, the band really was talented. They played some of my favorite songs by Train, the Flaming Lips, and the Ramones. Then they performed some of their own songs, finally wrapping up the set with a sped up ska version of the Pointer Sisters' song "Fire" that came off excellently against all odds.

I say I don't love you,

I looked at Alice with glee at the song choice and she rolled her eyes. She had more than once asserted that I was the only one who still listened the Pointer Sister and their ridiculous rhyme schemes.

But you know I'm a liar,

Alice wrapped her slender arms around my waist and sang into my ear.

Because when we kiss, ooohhh, fire!

And then the wall of fans in front of me parted, allowing me to see the stage for the first time since the band arrived. And I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. My eyes went wide and wild, and my hands trembled. I could almost hear the shattering of my already broken heart into a thousand tiny pieces. Because the guitarist nearest my side of the stage was tall and pale, with thick, bronze hair in gorgeous disarray. His fingers were slender and strong, and his forearms were pale and tautly muscled. With dread I forced my eyes to his face, and stared upon the perfectly carved features that haunted my painfully hopeful dreams and waking nightmare.

Edward.

Here. In Texas. I stared at him with my mouth open, blood roaring in my ears. His eyes met mine for a second, and without a flicker passed over to scan the rest of the crowd. The room went spotty and darkness rose from the floor and pulled me down, giving some detached processor in my brain just time to note that there was something slightly wrong about his face, before I went out cold.

When I woke my sweaty cheek was pressed flat against cool concrete and it was much quieter. The sidewalk was deliciously cold and comforting, and I wondered why I didn't do this more often. I could hear my friends debating about what to do next, but it was difficult to move. Then I heard the word hospital and quickly roused myself to protest.

"No! No, I'm fined you guys," I didn't feel drunk anymore, but when I spoke my words slurred.

"Christ Bella, you scared us," Jasper exclaimed. "Come on, let's get you home. Man, you go from drunk to wasted faster than kudzu." Alice and I looked at each other and decided to let that one slide.

Of course I couldn't sleep after they dropped me off. My nerves were jangling like a live wire, and I was still too intoxicated to sort out my thoughts. I lay in bed while the room heaved and my mind ran in useless circles, trying to figure out what happened tonight, still trying to figure out what happened two years ago. What was he doing here? Why did he leave you? Did he see me? Did he ever love you? Did he want to find me? Did he care that he broke your heart? I tossed and turned, groaning aloud in frustration. I should have stayed at the bar. I should have forced him to talk to me while I had the chance. I should go back now. But first I need to figure out what the hell is going on here. It was like trying to solve a Rubix cube in your head, I just kept turning and twisting the possibilities around, but I couldn't get anything to line up. Finally, just as the sky was starting to lighten, I fell into an exhausted and mercilessly dreamless sleep.

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