Twilight ain't mine

A/N: 1/7/10 Another re-beta-ed chapter…thanks to Project Team Beta's Heather…your rawk! My tenses are finally correct on this chp and the flow is better. Skip if you have already read this…and please review if you are new…let me know you like it!

(This is taking longer than I thought and I apologize to my subscribers for the delay in posting Chapter 5…I know I left ya seriously hanging!)

EPOV

I left her.

I did not think I could do it, go through with it.

I do not know how I can live without her.

I do not think I can.

It has been three days, eleven hours, and twenty three minutes since I left her. Every minute was like another knife in my dead heart. The complete and total devastation on her face was pure torture, and I saw her expression every time I closed my eyes.

I had lied countless times during my life, it was part of being a vampire, but never have I told a lie more untrue than the one I had told to Bella. A lie so loathsome, so horrific, it was hard to even get the words out of my mouth.

How could she believe me?

How could she not see through me?

Why did she believe the lie?

My life was over.

I had allowed myself to feel, to believe, and to love. Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within. Bella saved me from my self-imposed isolation; she had introduced me to living, and now all I wanted to do was die. Black pain filled my stone body. I saw nothing but her. Her face, her hair, her smile. I missed her smell and the accompanying burn. I reached out to open the bag I brought with me. Bella's blue blouse was crumpled up inside. I had stolen it, at the last minute, as a sort of talisman, hoping it would keep me away from her long enough to let her forget me. I opened the Ziploc, brought it up to my nose, and took a deep breath of her painfully sweet scent. I started sobbing tearlessly, crying out into the night, wishing for death. There were so many little dyings it didn't matter which of them was death, so long as it came. Everyday I died a little more, but true death alluded me, mocked me with a peace I would never had.

I curled into a ball and rocked back and forth on the floor. My phone was ringing, again. I looked at the display and found it was Alice. I shut off the ringer. My family could not console me. I didn't want to see them, or hear from them. After I decided to leave, they had argued with me, all of them, except Rosalie.

"We are leaving. The family will leave first, and I will join you in a few days after I talk with Bella." My voice wavered imperceptibly as I spoke to them. I took a deep, unnecessary breath, and pinched the bridge of my nose to stave off the black hole of sorrow that was threatening to engulf me.

"Edward, I've looked and seen things; you won't be able to live without her. All I can see is pain and sadness in both of your futures. Her future isn't up to you alone; I can still see her becoming one of us. Why are you putting us through this?" Alice was crying tearlessly on the couch while Jasper held her tightly, pain and sadness evident in his dark eyes. His thoughts were a jumbled tangle of sorrow and yearning. Jasper's remorse and Alice's pleas were almost too much to bear. I was having a horrible time coming to terms with my decision and I needed my family's support, not their opinions.

"It's not just affecting you, Edward; we all love Bella." Esme's thoughts were filled with sorrow, remembering my many years of solitude. A memory played in her mind of the day my father brought Rose home for me. I had scoffed at the offering, wondering at his judgment. Esme's heart broke for her new daughter the day she woke from transformation. Rosalie had desired me, her tangled newborn thoughts wandered to my physical accoutrements in between bouts of blood lust her first years, but I had wanted nothing to do with her spoiled, self-serving ways.

"You are taking her away from all of us too." My mother, who had been sitting at the dining table, walked over to where Carlisle was standing in the living room, and wrapped her arms around him. Her thoughts were filled with pictures of me smiling at Bella, of us holding hands, and of our tender touches. I turned my back to her, clenching my fists, and blocked out the moving scenes unfolding in her mind.

Carlisle's thoughts were much the same. Edward, you can't live without her. How long can you truly stay apart from her? She is your soul mate; she needs you as much as you need her. You should stay and we can go. Son, think about what you are asking of yourself. You have been without love for so long; do you think you can let it go so easily now that you have experienced it? The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for blood. She changed you, Edward, and you cannot change back. She will be your only love for as long as you exist. I love you and I wish you would reconsider all your options.

My father's words only solidified my decision. Bella would be able to move on without me, it was something humans could do, as they didn't often mate for life. I would always love her, but if there was a chance she could live a normal life, then I wanted to give her that chance…the chance I never had.

"Enough," I seethed. Rosalie and Emmett quickly turned towards us, unaware of mine and Carlisle's exchange. Rosalie's thoughts were smug and uncomprehending. She pictured a damaged Emmett, and the love and caring was overwhelming; she understood my devotion, but knew ours was not a life she would have ever chosen, and didn't want Bella to be a part of it. She didn't want to condemn another to an eternal existence. Emmett shook his head, looking to Rosalie for his opinion, not wanting to engage her wrath. She rolled her eyes, and tapped her foot, waiting for me to finish.

"I will not stay behind. We all leave; it's the only way to keep her safe from us." I shot a pointed look at Jasper, who dissapeared out the front door, unable to handle my emotional turmoil, along with everyone else's, any longer. "And we will not interfere with her anymore. Alice, you are not to look for her; am I understood?" The venom in my voice was unmistakable. I was tired and consumed with grief over what was about to take place. Alice hung her head low; a picture of her and Bella embracing was her last thought as she went off to find Jasper, who had fled to the forest.

I had no hate for him now, only remorse for what he had done…for what I had done… for allowing her to fall in love with me. It was an atrocity I should have never entertained. I berated myself time and again, and yet, part of me was still glad it had happened. I had experienced love, all consuming love, and I had changed for the better. And then I was experiencing an all consuming sadness. A depression so deep, I wasn't sure if there was any hope of rescue. I clutched my chest, hoping to close the hole that had formed the instant I walked away from her.

All I wanted to do was live in my memories of her. She was the happiest part of my life, and I had left her. I had crushed her. The pain on her face would be an image I would never forget. I would see it everyday for the rest of my miserable existence.

Day, night, day, night. A week passed in this fashion. I had no will to move. No will to do anything but wallow in sorrow, listening to the spiders and rats as they went about their business, giving me a wide berth. I clutched Bella's blouse to my chest, keeping it safely in its bag. I only allowed myself to take in her scent once a day. Even at that, the smell was already fading, just as I hoped that her memories of me were fading. I was lying to myself, of course. I wanted her to forget me, and yet a small part of me hoped she never would.

Eventually, hunger consumed me. I could have gone longer, hugging the corner, keeping myself from experiencing life without her, but the rats were starting to smell sweet to me, and there were not enough of them.

I ventured out into the dark of night. Twinkling stars mocked me with their luminosity.

O wild and wondrous midnight,
There is a might in thee
To make the charmed body
Almost like spirit be,
And give it some faint glimpses
Of immortality.

I had glimpsed my immortality, and had decided its end. I would end my life when Bella's came to its natural end. I would not exist in a world without her.

I silently walked out into the pasture adjacent to the abandoned barn I had been holed up in. I allowed the scent of a small herd of cattle sleeping in the pale moonlight to draw me in. The family who owned the farm lay blissfully asleep in their warm, comfortable beds. I loathed them. They were happy, and human. The father and mother, Dan and Debbie, were deeply in love, even after sixteen years of marriage. Their four children loved them and helped them run the family farm. They raised free-range beef and grew some organic vegetables for the local restaurants. Southern California seemed to be infested with this type of farm. The family, would no doubt, realize one of their prize cattle were missing, and would lament the loss of income. They would be pleased, however, with the envelope I would leave them in their mailbox, filled with cash. The cow would soon be forgotten.

I did this only to please Carlisle. Maybe I would call him. After a week of no contact with him, I was overcome with the need to speak with my father, my maker. I grabbed my phone, ready to dial, when it rang.

It was Carlisle. Alice had told him to call me.

"I'll call you later," I said flatly.

"I'll be waiting," he said and hung up.

Just like the Pharaoh Rameses, my heart was again hardened. I didn't need my family now. I needed my love back, my very life. I would call Carlisle later, if I felt like it. All I wanted to do was feed and wallow in my sorrow. It was all I could allow myself to do after my atrocious treatment of Bella; every last second we spent together re-played again and again in my mind's eye.

Time would not dull my longing or my devotion to her. I closed my eyes as a deep shudder raced through my body. I deserved every moment of utter agony. I would never forgive myself the pain I caused her.

The sounds of cattle moving about brought me back to the task at hand. They smelled absolutely awful, but my hunger was such that smell wasn't a priority. I leapt onto the closest male and found the hot blood of his neck instantly. The thick, warm liquid gushed down my throat and filled my stomach with a slightly sweet taste. I quickly exsanguinated the bull before he had a chance to finish his next breath. I dragged his lifeless body to the farthest part of the family's land and quickly dug a deep hole to bury him in. I didn't want any evidence left behind. I always cleaned up my messes, unlike Jasper who lunged at innocent humans and….

Stop. Jasper was certainly not the cause of this whole fiasco. I was. If I had been stronger, I would have left Bella alone, and she would have never fallen in love with me. I could have watched her--loved her-- from afar.

I still can.

No, NO, NO, NO!!

I can't ever see Bella again.

I would drive myself insane watching her live her life, move on, and find another man to love, a human man. She would kiss him, make love to him, know true happiness as she married and had his children.

I heard the snap of the tree before I actually felt the trunk in my hand. Shit. The twenty-foot tree laid in two pieces at my feet; the roots stuck out oddly and made strange shadows on the pasture land. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I contemplated this new mess to clean up. I broke the tree into many smaller pieces, fit for a fireplace, and ran them back to the farmhouse. It took less than one minute. I deposited the firewood by the far side of the barn, where it would likely remain undiscovered for several months.

I wasn't sure why I cared about hiding any evidence of my visit.

I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

I retrieved Bella's blouse, and left some cash in the mailbox, before I ran to where I hid my Volvo. I drove for thirty hours and ended up in a tiny rural village near the Panama Canal. I found a small grove of trees and parked. The sun was out, shining bright and hot. I rolled down the windows, pulled my knees up to my chin, and waited for the sun to make its descent towards the horizon.

I closed my eyes and saw Bella asleep in her bed the night before I left. I stole silently into her room, and sat on the floor, right beside her, and looked at her beautiful face. I watched her as she lay deep in sleep, mumbling about scrapbooks and pictures. Her brow had begun to furrow as she started to speak more clearly.

"What's wrong?" Her sweet breath washed over my face, bathing me in her essence. I inhaled every last molecule of Bella scented air; I welcomed the fire as it raced down my throat. "Why aren't you talking to me?" She rolled over and flopped her arm across her face. This frustrated me as I could not gaze upon her countenance. I reached out to pull her arm away, but stopped short.

I couldn't touch her.

She didn't belong to me anymore.

"So sad," she breathed. She rolled over towards me, removing the obstruction of her arm in the process. Her brow had furrowed deeper and I longed to smooth out the crease, to soothe her distress. It would be so much worse the next day, for both of us.

The wrenching pain incapacitated me as I sat stock still and let the waves of misery and regret wash over me. I had to do this; I had to leave Bella, my love, my very life. She could not be subjected to fear and worry for the rest of her life. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you. Our story wouldn't be told, and I would bear the burden alone. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her.

Bella's warmth radiated out from her and I relished it. She took in another breath and succumbed to a deep, peaceful sleep. Her brow relaxed, and the furrow disappeared without my help. I shook my head, realizing all the many mundane doings of her life I would no longer be a part of. I lowered my face to my hands for a moment, and sighed.

"Edward," she said, and I snapped my head up, fearing she had woken, hoping and dreading at the same time. When my eyes found hers, they were closed. A single tear slid from the inside corner of her eye and wound a path down her nose. The faint light of her alarm clock reflected in the tiny orb of water. I desperately wanted to taste her tear, knowing all too well the temptation it held for me, but unable to stop myself from doing so.

The memory was so sharp and vivid, I reached out to touch the tear, and hit the dashboard instead. I was instantly back in my car, in the stifling heat of the late afternoon sun. Bella was gone. I ran my fingers through my hair and scrubbed my face with my hands. Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.

Several hours passed as I watched the sun inch its way towards the horizon, washing the land with vibrant orange-yellow hues, the rays touching my bare arms. A myriad of rainbows refracted off my skin and onto the windshield. The sight of my unnatural skin further deepened my sadness. I had never wanted to be human as badly as I did at that moment.

It was too much for me to take. I wouldn't be able to stay away for long, that much I knew. The tugging I felt was so strong, so real, I could almost envision a rope around my chest pulling at me, beckoning me back to my Bella.

The sun finally slipped under the horizon, and night enveloped the grove. I needed a distraction, something to keep my mind off of Bella. I thought of tracking Victoria. She, no doubt, would seek revenge for the loss of her mate. My anger was no match for hers. James had bitten Bella, had tried to kill her, and had started the transformation in her. His death had been necessary, and quite satisfying, even though I didn't get to participate.

Victoria. She would be my focus. I would not stop until she was dead. I started my Volvo and looked for a gasoline station.

Notes:

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. James A. Baldwin

There are so many little dyings that it doesn't matter which one of them is death. Kenneth Patchen

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you. Maya Angelou

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. William Cowper

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa (exchanged blood for bread)

O wild and wondrous midnight,
There is a might in thee
To make the charmed body
Almost like spirit be,
And give it some faint glimpses
Of immortality. James Russell Lowell, Midnight