A/N: I know you're going to hate this chapter, but please hang with me. She has to get where she's going.
Pardon Me While I Twist the Knife
He knew. He knew. Lorelai couldn't shake the stabbing pain of betrayal that pierced her heart. He knew that it wasn't legal, and yet, he just kept pretending. Was he ever going to tell me? Would I have ever known?
She heard a car door slam and sprung from the couch. She peeked through the lace curtains and saw Christopher walking slowly across the yard. By the time he reached the porch she swung the front door open and glared at him. Christopher stopped and stared back, his chin lifted in defiance.
"What? Does the phone tree work that fast?" he asked snidely. He held up his phone showing the text message that read only, 'We need to talk. Come home now.'
"Were you ever going to tell me that we're not really married?" she demanded.
"What?" Christopher asked, stunned.
"Don't try to play dumb, Christopher," Lorelai said through gritted teeth. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and shivered in the doorway.
Christopher blinked rapidly, trying to push down the whiskey and beer rising in his throat, his mind racing as he tried to focus through the pain in his ribs. That's gonna bruise, he thought nonsensically as he slipped a hand into his coat and rubbed his side. "Are you going to let me come in?" he asked, stalling for time.
Bathroom tiles, paint chips, the skinny tiny molding in the closet, the danced through her head. "Come in? Do you really live here?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Lorelai shrugged and said, "You wouldn't be the first guy to move a bunch of stuff into my house, but not really, you know, live here. We're not really married, maybe you just felt like playing house."
"I'm not him," Christopher said as he clenched his aching jaw.
"You're not? I didn't think you were, but then I found out you were hiding something big from me, so now I'm thinking you're just like Luke!" she spat.
"Stop! Just stop!" Christopher said as he held up one hand. He glanced across the yard as Babette's porch light came on. "Just let me come in," he said in a low voice.
Lorelai spared a glance at Babette's house and then stepped back, allowing him room to pass. Christopher stepped inside and tried to hide his wince as he shrugged out of his coat. He draped it over the hall tree and then turned to face Lorelai as she leaned up against the closed door. "I was going to tell you," he said at last.
"On our silver wedding anniversary?" Lorelai asked snidely. "Wait! Is it really an anniversary if it's not a marriage?"
"It is! It is a marriage!" Chris boomed.
"Not according to the laws of the Republic of France!"
"Lorelai, when I said 'I do', I meant that I do!"
Lorelai reared back when she smelled the alcohol on his breath. "How long have you known?" she demanded. When he didn't answer right away, Lorelai sucked in a breath and whispered, "You knew all along."
"No! I didn't, I swear! I thought we were married! You were there; you saw how many Euros I paid that guy!"
"When? How long have you known?"
Chris exhaled as he squeezed his eyes shut and said, "Right around Thanksgiving." He sighed and said, "You asked me not to say anything until we talked to Rory. I told Sherry when I called to talk to Gigi that next week. She told me."
A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "That Sherry, she's a very helpful girl. She said to remind you about the time difference the next time you call." Lorelai clutched at her sides as if trying to physically hold herself together. "I hate November, too many surprises," she murmured to herself.
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lorelai demanded.
"I was going to tell you. I was! It's just, Rory was a little upset, and you went to see him…"
Lorelai held up a hand as she cut him off. "I went to check on April."
"He called and you ran," Christopher said bitterly.
"You said I should go!"
"What was I supposed to say, Lor? I couldn't say, 'No, don't go check on the little girl who may have had her appendix out because I'm afraid you still love her father'? What kind of monster would that have made me?" he shot back.
"So, because I actually laid eyes on Luke Danes for the first time in, like, months, you couldn't tell me that we weren't married?" she asked derisively. Lorelai pushed away from the door and brushed past him as she walked into the living room.
"No! But, everything got so weird," Christopher insisted as he followed her.
"What? What got weird?"
"You and the town and the stupid bridge thing, and you not wanting to be seen with me!" he shouted. "God forbid I go to the dry cleaners with my wife, the local diner guy may see us!"
"I'm not your wife!"
"And you're happy about that, aren't you? I bet you're relieved!" he accused.
"You're drunk!"
"Not nearly drunk enough!" Christopher shook his head and lowered his voice. "I can still see you slipping away again. There's not enough booze in the world to keep me from seeing that."
Lorelai's eyes widened as she gaped at him. "Chris," she said softly.
Christopher sank down onto the couch and scrubbed his hands over his face. He lowered his hands and rubbed his palms together, trying to calm himself. "It's all I ever wanted, Lor, you and me. For over twenty years, all I've wanted was to marry you," he said in a hoarse voice. He laughed softly and said, "I couldn't even do that right."
Lorelai shoulders slumped as she watched him hang his head dejectedly. "Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you hide it from me?" she asked.
Christopher closed his eyes and pressed his lips together as he turned his head away from her probing gaze. "What if you said no?" he asked quietly.
"I said yes. I said 'I do'," Lorelai reminded him.
"You did in France. Do you still in Stars Hollow?" he asked as he looked up at her helplessly. "I thought I could fix it. A new house, a new town, the wedding thing, something," he said with a wave of his hand. "I called your mom and told her I wanted a minister; that I thought it would be cool, you know, for them and my mom. Rory and Gigi," he added as an afterthought. "I thought that maybe if we could just get you away from here, I could explain it," he trailed off.
"But you hid it from me," Lorelai persisted.
"You think I can't see it, Lor? Do you really think that I don't know that I'm not welcome here?" he asked, incredulous.
"Chris…"
Christopher pushed himself up off of the couch, getting angry again. "I see them, Lorelai! Sizing me up, comparing me to him! And the really funny thing is, I'm the one coming up short!" he said as he jabbed a finger into his chest. "That guy is the one they all wanted you to marry! That guy is the one that I have to tiptoe around! That guy!"
"I married you!"
"They think you were wrong, and hey, guess what? You were! You didn't marry me! Lucky break, huh?" Christopher's eyes blazed as he sneered, "I bet there will be a banner headline on the Stars Hollow Gazette!"
"This is Luke's town. He was born here, raised here, it's only natural that they feel protective of him," Lorelai argued.
"I'm your husband, but you won't leave! You won't even think about it!"
"This is our home, Christopher. My home, and Rory's home," she tried to explain.
"Rory doesn't live here anymore!"
"Says you!" she shouted. "You're sure ready to kick her out, aren't you?"
"You won't let me buy a bigger house! I have to have a place for Gigi!"
"Yes, Gigi, your great do-over." Lorelai said caustically.
"Yes, mine! Rory is yours. You made damn sure of that!"
"No, you did! Those were your choices, Christopher!"
"And I can never fix that, can I? For the rest of my life, no matter what I do, all you'll ever think is that I was a crappy father to Rory. That's why you won't have a baby with me," he accused. "But not your precious Luke! I saw you looking at him when you were holding that baby. It makes my head spin to think how fast you woulda had one with him!"
Lorelai inhaled sharply as the pain of the truth sliced through her. They stared at each other, wide-eyed and breathless as the words hung between them. Lorelai swallowed thickly and said, "I'm going to bed. I suggest you sleep somewhere else. There's a nice trundle bed in Rory's room," she added as she hurried for the stairs.
"Lor," Chris called after her, his voice soft and filled with regret. Lorelai stopped on the landing, her hand curling around the banister as she stood stone still. "I love you, Lor," he said, his voice cracking. "I love you so much. I've loved you for so long that I don't know how to do anything else." Christopher saw her shoulders slump and took a shallow breath, the pain in his ribs eclipsed by the ache in his heart. "I've tried not to. I don't know how to not love you. I just want to be with you. Forever," he said softly. "Would that be so bad?"
Without turning around, Lorelai tightened her grip on the banister as she said, "We'll talk tomorrow, when things are, uh, a little calmer."
"I'll be here," he said quietly.
****
After a fitful night of wispy dreams filled with glimpses of pink plaid snowsuits, Lorelai finally drifted into a deep sleep at nearly dawn, only to be awakened by the sound of knuckles rapping on the front door. She sat up; frowning down at the clothes she had slept in, and rolled off of the bed. She grabbed her fluffy blue robe for a little extra warmth and shrugged into it as she stumbled down the stairs, intent on making the constant pounding cease and desist. As she stepped off of the bottom stair, she heard Christopher groan, 'Make it stop,' from Rory's room. Paul Anka jumped up from his spot near Rory's door as Lorelai hurriedly pulled it closed and then shuffled back to the front door.
"It's only seven-thirty," she complained as she pulled the door open, her eyes finally opening when she spotted her mother on the porch. "Mom. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be supervising an army of maids as they pack the Louis Vuitton?"
"I wanted to speak to you before our flight left," Emily said calmly.
"Ugh. Is this about the party?" Lorelai groaned as she pushed her hair back behind her ears. "Because I've had a really long night, and I don't want to talk about the party," she warned as she crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly.
"It's not about the party. I've come to talk to you about your marriage," Emily announced.
"My marriage?"
"Yes, I'm concerned. I don't like what I'm seeing, and I've come to offer you some friendly advice," Emily said succinctly.
"Mom, I really don't want your advice," Lorelai said quickly.
Emily pursed her lips for a moment and then said, "Well, then consider it unfriendly advice."
"Okay," Lorelai said cautiously.
"Christopher is immature, often foolish, and a little lacking in common sense. He doesn't always make the best choices," Emily said bluntly.
"Like with me? Are you saying he chose wrongly in choosing me?"
"I'm saying he's your husband, Lorelai, for better or for worse," Emily replied, watching her daughter's reaction carefully. When Lorelai remained impassive, she shrugged slightly and said, "I like Christopher."
"Okay."
Emily cocked her head slightly and said, "I think he's good for you." She took a deep breath and added, "But it's not going to be perfect. He's not perfect, and god knows you're not perfect. But marriage is not about always being happy, and often it's about not being happy at all," she observed. "It's about compromise, which is not your strong suit. Marriage is about swallowing your pride sometimes, about doing what he wants. It's not about winning an argument, which may make you sad, because that's what you love. But I don't want to see you ruin this relationship. Marriage is serious business, Lorelai, and if you don't take this very seriously, then this whole thing could fall apart faster than you could possibly imagine. And he'll be gone, and you'll be alone again," she warned direly. "A ring is no guarantee," she said in a tone thick with hidden meaning.
Lorelai stared at her mother long and hard, trying to wrap her head around what Emily was trying to say. She nodded slowly and Emily returned her acknowledgement with a brisk nod of her own. "Sorry for waking you," she apologized as she turned to leave.
"Safe trip," Lorelai said softly as she watched Emily walk back to the Mercedes parked behind Christopher's Volvo.
She closed the front door and shivered as she wandered back to the steps. She reached tiredly for the rail and caught sight of the thick gold band on her finger. Lorelai raised her hand, staring at the ring intently until her vision blurred and the band morphed into a sparkling diamond in an antique setting. "No, it's no guarantee," Lorelai whispered as she blinked the image from her mind and slowly began to climb the stairs.
She draped the robe over the foot of the bed, carefully avoiding contact with what was now Christopher's side of the bed as she climbed back under the fluffy duvet and pulled it up to her chin. Clasping her hands under the covers, Lorelai toyed with the band Christopher had placed on her finger less than a month before. She pulled it off, curling it into her palm as her fingertips massaged the indentation the ring left behind.
A ring is no guarantee. He'll be gone, and you'll be alone again. Emily's words sent a chill down her spine. Lorelai inched her foot over to the other side of the bed, cautiously exploring the cool crisp sheets with her toes and testing her own mettle. She quickly pulled her foot back; tucking it under her other leg to warm it as tears filled her eyes. I can't do it again, she thought brokenly. I can't do this again. I don't want to pack boxes of razors, soap on a rope and spatulas. Why is there so little of me left when they leave? she wondered. It's not that I can't be alone, it's just that I don't want to, she justified. I want someone to find the body; call the police, get me to the morgue. Luke was supposed to be there to get me to the morgue.
Lorelai rolled over onto her side, blinking slowly at the pale winter sunlight that seeped into the room. Their room. But which they was she supposed to be a part of? Which they do I want to be? Do I even have a choice? No. There's no choice. Lorelai ran one hand over the pale pink striped sheets she had bought just after the break up with Luke. He'd never slept on these. Why do I still see him here? There's nothing left of him here, why can't he just leave? She leaned over, pressing her nose to the other pillow and breathing in deeply. Acqua di Gio, she thought with a nod. The scent was completely different, the man was completely different. And the woman? Well, we don't need to think too hard about that, Lorelai told herself as she flopped onto her back and draped her forearm over her brow.
He says he wants me. He says he loves me. How can he love me when I don't even know me? A ring is no guarantee. Lorelai opened her hand and stared at the simple gold band that rested there, warmed by the heat of her palm. Lorelai Gilmore, that's who I am. Not Lorelai Hayden and never to be Lorelai Danes. I'm just Lorelai Gilmore. She turned and looked at the clock on the nightstand and then chewed the inside of her cheek as she eyed the telephone. She lifted the receiver and dialed quickly, picking at a loose thread on the duvet as the phone rang in her ear.
"Hello?"
"Did I wake you up?" Lorelai asked anxiously.
"No, actually, I'm up and about to head out," Rory told her.
"Last final?"
"Yep."
"What time is your flight?"
"Six-ten," Rory said as she tossed her cell charger into her laptop bag. "I'm catching the shuttle to JFK from here."
"You have everything you need? Plenty of good old American greenbacks?" Lorelai asked as she worried the thread with her fingernail.
"I'm packed and ready to go."
"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?"
"Mom, I'll be fine. I don't want you to have to hassle with that," Rory said quickly.
"And Logan? Have you talked to him already?"
Rory smiled and said, "Yes, he's picking me up at the security checkpoint."
"You're going to have a wonderful time," Lorelai said wistfully.
"I'll miss you," Rory said with a small smile. "I've never been away for Christmas."
"I know."
"Dad will keep you entertained, I'm sure."
Lorelai paused for a moment, dying to tell Rory what she had discovered, desperate for a little perspective. "Yeah, uh, sure," she said hesitantly. "Um, about your dad…"
"Oh, Mom, I have to go. I have twenty minutes to get there and get myself ready," Rory said as she glanced at the clock and slung her bag over her shoulder.
"Oh, yeah, go," Lorelai said quickly. "Subject?"
"First Amendment and the Literature of Rights," Rory said as she tucked the phone under her chin and began to unlock the multiple deadbolts on the apartment door.
"Well, remember, you've gotta fight for your right to par-tay," Lorelai sang with a sad smile.
"That's number one on my list," Rory assured her.
"Call me when you leave for the airport?"
"I will."
"Bye, Sweets, good luck."
"I'll call you later," Rory promised before pressing the 'end' button.
Lorelai ran her thumb over the keys, absently tracing the pattern of the diner's phone number. I'm not married, she tested the words out in her head. What would Rory say when she found out? Her mother? How would Luke find out? Should I tell him? No, she quickly dismissed the thought. Why would he care? He cares. You know he cares. Not enough, she told herself firmly as she placed the phone back on its cradle and fell back against the pillows. It doesn't matter if I'm married or not, he doesn't want me. He never wanted to get married. I'm the one who wanted to get married. "It doesn't matter," she whispered to the ceiling.
She opened her fist again and gently lifted the ring that Christopher had given to her from her palm. Christopher wants me. Christopher married me, or at least, he thought he did. Christopher wants to marry me. For real, this time.
****
"Hey," Lorelai said softly as she shuffled into the kitchen later that morning.
Christopher looked up from the cup of coffee he had been studying intently. "Hi."
"How's your head?" she asked as she pulled a mug from the cabinet.
"It's still there."
"I noticed that," she said as she poured the fragrant brew into the mug.
"Lorelai, I don't know what to say," he started softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I panicked. I freaked," he admitted.
"Yeah, uh, I know that feeling," she said as she carried her mug to the table.
As she sat down, Christopher noticed that she still wore her wedding band. He started to reach for her hand, and then pulled away, uncertain if his touch would be welcomed. He swallowed hard and said, "Last night, we both said some things…"
"Yeah, that was bad."
"I'm trying, Lor. I'm trying so hard," he rasped.
"I know you are."
"And you know what? It doesn't matter. I know I'm not your first choice, I get that, but it doesn't matter to me. I just, I want this so much," he said sincerely. "I love you. I want to marry you," he said as he looked into her tired blue eyes. "I'd marry you a thousand times over."
Lorelai nodded slowly, blinking back the tears that burned in her eyes. She reached across the table, offering him her hand. Christopher took it in his, rubbing his thumb over the smooth gold band on her ring finger. "Ask me," she whispered. "Ask me one more time."
Christopher slid out of his chair, his grasp warm and sure on her fingers as he lowered himself to one knee. "Lorelai Gilmore, will you marry me?" he asked in a hoarse whisper.
Lorelai nodded slightly and said, "January 27th."
"Really?"
Lorelai shrugged, a ghost of a smile curving her lips. "Can't waste a perfectly good wedding party."
Christopher pressed his lips to her knuckle just above her ring. "I'll do whatever you want."
"We need to talk," she said quietly.
"Yeah."
"There were some things brought up last night," she said with a grimace.
"I know."
"And Chris?"
"Yeah?" he asked as he looked up at her. "I don't want everyone to know."
"Know what?"
"About France, the legal thing, can't we just go get a license and do the vows at the party?" she asked.
"We can go to the courthouse tomorrow if that's what you want, blow off the damn party," he said quickly.
Lorelai shook her head and said, "No. If we're going to do this, we're going to do this for real. In front of Rory and Gigi, your mother, my parents, all of it," she said with a decisive nod. "But we'll know that this time, we're really doing it."
"Then that's what we'll do." Christopher slowly pushed himself up, wincing as at the stabbing pain in his ribs.
Lorelai smiled sympathetically and asked, "To big for the trundle bed, tough guy?"
Christopher smiled wanly and tried to keep from rubbing his bruised and battered body. "Yeah, something like that."
