"Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy!"
Rated T for language
Disclaimer: I do not own Saturday Night Live, the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches or Ever After High. Ever After High is owned by Mattel and the respective co-authors of the EAH books, Shannon Hale or Suzanne Selfors. Anyway, after watching some Celebrity Jeopardy sketches on YouTube, I thought it would be hilarious to do an Ever After High edition of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy! And yes, if you're asking, I will do all Ever After High characters two at a time, along with Alex Trebek's sworn enemy, Sean Connery! Anyway, here we go!
P.S.: Some of the characters may end up a little OOC than usual, but hey, what can you expect from one of the greatest skits of Saturday Night Live and two of the greatest characters of the show. Now be forewarned that some of the characters in my fic are well... not that bright. If you all haven't seen the awesome SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits, I recommend you check them out on either YouTube or Dailymotion. It will make you lose your crap all over. Either way, here we go!
Chapter 2: Dexter Charming, Raven Queen and Sean Connery
The Celebrity Jeopardy theme track continued to play throughout the whole entire studio as the camera came on to see Dexter Charming, Raven Queen and one very certain bearded Scot sitting in their respective podiums. Standing meters away from them was the host, Alex Trebek, who once again still looked depressed.
"Aaaaand welcome back to Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy," Trebek groaned again, "I should be out looking for another job, but thanks to the greedy producers, I'm now stuck hosting this hellhole until the day I die. That said, let's take a look at the score. At 1st place with just 25 cents is Dexter Charming."
The camera soon shifted over to Dexter Charming, who started adjusting his glasses.
"I'll take a lifeline, Regis!" Dexter exclaimed while grinning.
"Dexter, this isn't Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." corrected Trebek.
"Then I like to phone in a friend!" Dexter pointed out.
"Hard to believe you have a quarter there," Trebek groaned once more. "In second place with only negative -25,000, is Raven Queen."
After Dexter, the camera then shifted over to Raven Queen, who started building up purple aura from her hands.
"This hands ain't just for magic, Trebek. It's makes an excellent hand warmer too!" Raven said to him.
"I never quite knew that, Mrs. Queen." Trebek said before groaning at the next person who was standing alongside Raven, "And finally... in last place with only -1,000,000... Sean Connery."
The camera then finally shifted over to a smirking Sean Connery, who had quite an urge to trash on his main arch rival.
"Ah, top of the morning, you sploogy bastard." Connery smirked.
"That's it?" Trebek shrugged. "No snappy comeback? You ain't gonna make fun of my mother?"
"Oh, Trebek... I've just decided to give you a little break for once," Connery shook his head in response, "After all, you deserve a little rest."
"Well, I'm kinda surprised you're actually tolerable for once." Trebek nodded.
"Yeah, after all, your mother wanted some after I was done with her last night!" Connery smirked with a maniacal laugh around his face.
Trebek couldn't help but be fooled by that supposed lie that Connery had given him.
"Why in the hell did I even fall for that?" sighed the host, "Anyway, let's just move on to Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the categories. They are, Potent Potables, Look At Your Hand, Princesses That Rhyme With 'Delle', Whole Foods, Famous Baseball Teams Named Mets, and finally Nachos - you choose this one and you automatically get nachos. Unfortunately, Dexter Charming, you're in the lead so you start."
"I'll take a Physical Challenge, Marc!" Dexter exclaimed.
"This isn't Double Dare, Dexter." groaned Trebek, "Raven Queen, it's your turn to choose."
"I'll take $2,000." Raven said, pointing to the board.
"Okay, on what category?" Trebek asked her.
"You mean, I have to choose?" Raven gasped.
"Yeah, that's the rules of the game." the host nodded, "I've told you since the beginning of the show, Raven."
"You suck, Trebek." Raven said, scowling at the host for no reason.
"I know," Trebek nodded again, "Mr. Connery, why don't you choose a category?"
"I'll take Whore Foods for $600." smirked Connery.
"Mr. Connery, it's pronounced 'Whole' Foods, not 'Whore' Foods!" Trebek snapped at him with a single groan. "Anyway, Whole Foods for $600."
Before the host could get to the answer, a picture of a pita bread popped up on the panel, forcing the contestants to look exactly close up.
"The answer is: This is a picture of a pita bread." Trebek replied, "If any of you say Pita Bread, you get points."
*BZZZT!*
"Dexter Charming."
"Give me an R!" Dexter exclaimed.
"For goodness sake, Dexter, this is Jeopardy, not Wheel of Fortune!" Trebek corrected him.
*BZZZT!*
"Raven Queen." said Trebek.
Raven didn't answer in the form of a question. Instead, all Raven did was flip off Trebek for the hell of it.
"Raven, I don't think flipping me off counts as a whole food." groaned the host.
"If only you gave me the $2,000 in the first place, then this wouldn't have happened to you." Raven scowled at Alex.
"You have to answer in the form of a question correctly in order to get the money." Trebek told her.
*BZZZT!*
"Mr. Connery?"
"Your mother." Connery smirked.
"It's frickin' folded pita bread, Mr. Connery!" Trebek whined, correcting his rival. "Why do you think that's my mother?"
"Oh, come on, your mother knows I love to fill my meat inside her Pita!" Connery smirked before laughing boisterously at the host.
Trebek, on the other hand, didn't find any kind of Connery's humor amusing whatsoever.
"You make me sick, Mr. Connery." muttered Trebek, "Dexter Charming, it's now your turn to choose a category."
"I'll take 50/50, Trebek!" exclaimed Dexter.
"For the last time, it's not Millionaire!" cried out Trebek before sighing, "You know what, that was a mistake. Let's try Famous Baseball Teams Named Mets for $600."
After he was done finishing the question, a picture of the New York Mets mascot popped up from the $600 panel.
"The question is: New York is the city that is home to the Mets." Trebek told the contestants.
*BZZZT!*
"Raven Queen."
"I want $2,000." Raven warned him.
"Wrong," Trebek muttered, "And please answer in the form of a question."
"Fine, what is: 'I want $2,000'?" Raven groaned with her teeth gritting.
"That's better, and no that's still wrong." The host told her.
*BZZZT!*
"Dexter Charming?"
"I like to solve the puzzle, Pat!" Dexter shouted.
Hearing this coming from the dorky Charming brother himself, Trebek had no choice but to hit his own head on the host's podium in frustration and shame. Mr. Connery, being the snarky Scot that he was, decided to check up on him far away.
"What's wrong, Alex? Did you get your period yet?" Sean smirked.
After gathering himself for a few seconds of crying, Alex got rid of the sniffles right away and continued his duties.
"Oh god, kill me now..." Trebek rolled his eyes before continuing, "You know what? Let's just forget about this and go right to Final Jeopardy. There is no category, all you have to do is tell me is what you want to be when you grow up. Write your answers starting now."
Getting the signal, both Dexter, Raven and Connery started writing down their answers while the Final Jeopardy theme started playing in the background.
"Remember the question clearly, everyone." The host informed them, "If you want to be the next Prince Charming, then draw Prince Charming. If you want to be the next Evil Queen, than draw Evil Queen. As long as it's a job, you will win."
After the theme ended, the three put down their pens as Trebek approached them one by one, starting with Dexter.
"Okay, let's see what kind of masterpieces our contestants come up with," Trebek cleared his throat, "Let's start with Dexter-"
"I'll take Potent Potables for $600!" Dexter shouted, cutting him off.
"Dexter, the game is over." The host told him, "Anyway, let's see what you wrote..."
Dexter's answer: I forgot
"You forgot." Trebek read the clue carefully, "You forgot what you wanted to be and you got it wrong. I'm really surprised."
"Yep, I got dropped on my head! Pretty amazing, huh?" smirked the nerd.
"I didn't know that," Trebek shrugged, "And your wager is...?"
Dexter's wager: 25 cents.
"And you wagered the last you had of your cash, a quarter." Trebek muttered, "You are now broke."
"Can I have some Nachos?" Dexter asked.
After facepalming his own face out of stupidity, Alex had no choice but to give in to Dexter's demands.
"Fine, have all the nachos you want." groaned Trebek.
"Sweet!" Dexter happily shouted as the producers came in and gave Dexter the hot cheesy nachos with salsa.
"After you're done, don't come near my studio again." Trebek sighed before he approached Raven, "Raven Queen, you look pretty confident of your answer."
"Yeah, I think I got myself a winner." Raven nodded while smirking.
"Well, let's see. You wrote down...
Raven's answer: A picture of the entire middle finger
"You wrote a picture of yourself giving me the bird," Trebek muttered, "Also wrong."
"Hahahahahahaha, BURN!" Raven laughed while pointing at the host in taunting fashion.
Safe to say, Trebek wasn't pleased at the attitude that Raven was giving him.
"I hope you get fixed, Miss Queen." Trebek advised her sternly, "You know, let's forget about your wager and let's go to Mr. Connery."
"Hmmmmm, some type of children you chose for this show," Connery smirked.
"Tell me about it," Trebek rolled his eyes. "Anyway, let's see what you wrote..."
Connery's answer: You
When Alex saw the answer with his very own eyes, his jaw was dropped immediately to the floor. He had never expected his arch-rival to somehow act like this in front of him due to one single answer.
"I don't believe it," Trebek gulped, "You want to be me when you grow up?"
"Of course," nodded Sean. "I mean, you definitely are the smartest man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, my friend. I hope that maybe one day I'll be very more mature like that."
"Wow, I never expected that from you, Sean." nodded the host, "Deep down, I'm quite impressed. Let's see what you now wagered."
Connery's wager: Are Poopy
"I am poopy..." Trebek said at a loss for words.
Just to add a huge insult to injury, Sean Connery decided to become the ass like he is and started laughing at him.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, how does it feel to be number two, Trebek?" Connery smirked victoriously.
"Why must you do this to me, Sean...?" Trebek grunted at Sean.
With Connery one-upping Trebek once more, the host had no choice but to close things out in defeat.
"That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die. Good night." Trebek sighed as he left the studio down in the dumps.
Wow, this was a total pain to finish, but I finally have it done. IT. IS. FINALLY. DONE. And after all this time too!
Anyway, who will be next alongside our favorite devious Scot? You'll just have to wait until next chapter. Until then, show your feedback button some love, fellow fairy tales. BUCK FUTTER!
