Tears

I have a secret to confess… I hate it when you cry.

Whenever I see your eyes brimming with tears, their normal sparkle replaced with anguish, I feel a horrible emptiness in my chest and an overwhelming need to hold you and protect you. Yet, many times I can only stand by helplessly, not knowing what to do to alleviate the pain that I inflicted on you. If you only knew how much I abhorred myself each time for making you cry.

I still remember the one occasion when I honestly thought that we were not going to make it as a couple, when you completely broke down in front of me. You thought that I was cold hearted, that I simply did not care. You never knew that my heart was shattering with every single one of your cries.

You always thought that you were the only one in love, and even when I told you otherwise, you believed that your love for me was far stronger than mine for you. Sometimes, I really want to tear my hair out in despair. Why on earth have I fallen in love with such a simpleton? Yes, my world does not revolve around you in the same way that yours revolves around me. I do not shout out my love to the world, please, I have always had great difficulty in expressing my emotions. However, that does not mean that I do not have any. Isn't it enough that I always watch over you and take care of you? Isn't it enough that I only get injured in order to prevent you from coming to any harm? Can you not see that I treat you so differently from others, that you are special to me? If it is obvious even to strangers, why do you remain so oblivious?

You pretend to be reading, however, there is no way I would fall for the act. The likelihood of you reading of your own accord is like me agreeing to show others my baby photos. I glance at you, just in time to see another tear plopping down on the page. My heart clenches and I am suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. Did I tell you that one thing that I hate more than seeing you cry is when you try to hide your suffering from me and bear your burdens alone? You know that I can resolve your problems much more easily than yourself or anyone else for the matter. I am not a considered a genius for my looks.

I know that you are worried that you will become blind and that our child will also be afflicted with the similar ailment. Place your trust in me. If this really comes to pass, trust that I will find a remedy if there is any to be found. If there is not, trust that I will continue to take care of you and our child to the best of my ability for the rest of our lives. Kotoko, trust me.

As I watch you quietly, the trembling of your small frame becomes more apparent. Heaving a sigh, I pushed away my books and walk to your side. In one smooth movement, I sit down and pull you onto my lap. You let out a startled squawk and tense for a moment before relaxing in my embrace, burrowing your head into my chest.

"I'm sorry." Your words were so softly spoken that I had to strain my ears to catch them.

"Don't be a goose." There was absolute silence.

"You look ugly when you cry." Bad move, more tears soaked the front of my shirt. I heaved another sigh and simply held you close, letting you cry your heart out for the umpteenth time since you heard of the news.

"I don't want to leave you." I blinked. There had to be something wrong with my ears, unless… My blood turned cold. I had thought that the worse case scenario was you becoming blind. Was I wrong? The alternative was unthinkable. I gently but firmly tilted your head so that I could look into those red-rimmed eyes.

"Is there anything that you are not telling me?" My voice was abnormally calm. Those eyelashes fluttered as you looked adorably confused. However, for once I was not distracted. "About your illness," I prompted.

"Eh?"

"What do you mean by saying that you don't want to leave me?" My calm façade was going to crumble within moments.

"Oh," awareness finally dawned on the silly girl. "No, no, I didn't mean anything, other than the fact that I never want to leave you. I love you, Naoki-kun." A single tear slid down your smooth cheek. My heart gave a wrench, and then I was crushing you to me and kissing the daylights out of you.

Our lovemaking that night was not tender. I desperately needed to feel you close to me, to convince myself that you were not going to disappear on me anytime. You clung onto me just as tightly and as fervently. We did not let go of each other for the entire night, and I knew you were wishing that we could remain this way forever.

Life is pretty much back to normal. You still get into the strangest situations, thus keeping me on my toes and constantly bailing you out of trouble. You still cry, and most of the times because of me. However, I have been doing my best to prevent that from happening. After all, I still cannot bear to see you cry…