Atticus
The bright lights shine red, gold, and green. It makes me think all was warm and good. I can hear Jem laughing in the background, in another room somewhere. I inhale the warmth and sweetness of freshly baked bread and cookies. I hear the gramophone play Christmas carols and I can see my wife spin my baby daughter around.
"Just hear those sleigh bells jingling.." Jean sings to Scout as she bounces her on her shoulder. Scout laughs; she loves these moments with her mother.
"Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you."
Jean stops singing long enough to give Scout a kiss.
"Jeremy," Calpurnia scolds. "Don't you lick that spoon yet!"
"Oh, Cal," Jean giggles and shouts. "Let him! You're only young once."
What a thing for my wife to say. Did she ever know how much weight her words would carry? I miss her so much. She loved Christmas time. She was everything Christmas should be: warm, happy, and bright. This time of year has never, ever been the same since she died.
It's too quiet now. It's just me and my daughter at home this year. Alexandra went up to the Landing to get ready for tomorrow's dinner and gift exchanging while Jack is spending the night with Maudie. My boy is in Europe, fighting in yet another global war. It's hard not knowing if he's all right most days.
The moment my mind wanders to Jem is the same time I can hear Scout begin to cry. I don't go to her anymore. I know exactly why she's crying and I know there is no way I can comfort her. I can't even do it for myself most of the time and she knows it. The father and the man I've worked so hard to become is slip sliding away. I miss him, but I just don't have the energy to bring him back.
"You're okay, Scout," I whisper into the night as soon as I hear her stop crying. "I love you. Please forgive me."
God, if there ever will be a Christmas miracle, please let it be that she heard me.
