*Forced applause as SchmEthan and Jinxy return*

SchmEthan: Well hello there, you wonderful bunch of turnips, and welcome back to THE HUB SHOW!

*Cheesy tune thing happens*

Jinxy: WOO! Coming up: IT'S CAPTAIN JACK!!!!!

*Audience forcibly swoon*

SchmEthan: Do you have to force EVERYTHING you do?

Idiotic, person-who-doesn't-value-his-life-very-much person in audience: Yes?

*Jinxy leaps on top of him and starts reciting the entire Pokedex*

Person-whose-last-description-I-can't-be-bothered-typing-again,-dammit-this-one's-longer: PLEEASSE!!!! NOOO MOARS!!!!

SchmEthan: JINXY!!! HEEL!!!

*SchmEthan receives evil glare from Jinxy*

SchmEthan: Don't make me eat this ham which miraculously appeared in front of me!

Jinxy: HAMMMMMMMMMM!!!

*Jinxy grabs ham from SchmEthan and trundles over to corner*

Jinxy: HAMMM HAMM HAMMMY HAMMY HAM HAM... ETC.

SchmEthan: RIGHT! Now we can get on with this. DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

*A drum is rolled across the stage*

SchmEthan: Alright, whoever did that is going to HAVE to be Jinxyfied!

Jinxy: BLARGH!

*Jinxy does REAL drum roll on a lawnmower*

SchmEthan: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cheeses of all maturity, please give a huge CAVE TORTURE/HUB SHOW welcome to the one, the two, the three CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!!!!!

*Captain Jack struts into the cave and flashes a smile, causing everyone within a twenty metre radius to collapse*

Jack: Well, hey there! I'm Jack and I-

SchmEthan: Yes, yes, now could you please take a seat over here?

*Jack sits down, expecting a chair. Jack hovers*

Jack: Is there even a chair here?

SchmEthan: Jinxy, did you put a chair out for Jack? ... Jinxy?

*SchmEthan looks over to the specially designed (and possibly recurring) corner to find Jinxy swimming in her own drool (and Poffins, for some reason) from the effects of Jack's smile*

SchmEthan: Right... No, Jack, there isn't a chair.

*Jack falls to the floor*

Jack: Thanks for that.

SchmEthan: No worries! NOW, first of all... *carves out Jack's face with a credit card and then sticks it back on*

*Jack comes back to life*

Jack: An interview, you said! A nice, friendly, non-violent, devoid-of-face-carving-but-not-necessarily-cheese-making interview, you said!

SchmEthan: Yes, well, we lied.

*Jack tries to leave, but SchmEthan picks up guitar and plays epic riff, causing Jack to turn into a duvet*

SchmEthan: Don't bother trying to escape, those origami ducks can give a nasty papercut!

*Drags the duvet... I mean Jack back and unduvetfies him*

SchmEthan: Jinxy, could you...? *Realises that Jinxy is still immobilised by Jack's man-charms*

SchmEthan: SCHMETHAN USED PARLZ HEAL! JINXY RECOVERED FROM PARALYSIS!

Jinxy: Did you HAS to yell that out loud?

SchmEthan: Yes? By the way, could we have a nice coathanger for Jack to sit on please?

Jinxy: NYAH! *Hurls coathanger at Jack*

Jack: Are you serious?

SchmEthan: NO!!!! I'M AS SANE AS A FLIPPING PANCAKE!!!!1!!!!!!ONE

Jack: *Is scared*

SchmEthan: ANYWHO, question uno! What is a waffle?

Jack: It's food, isn't it?

SchmEthan: NO! *Beats Jack with a rainbow* It's a rhyme of ROFL! TWO! If three is two, one is sixty four and forty-five isn't, WHAT IS THIS??!?!? *Pulls out a KitKat wrapper*

Jack: Is it a KitKat wrapper?

Jinxy: YEEEESSSSHHHHHHHH!!! *Steals KitKat wrapper in a huge, Jinxyfying escapade involving genetically altered carrots*

SchmEthan: Right... OK, THREE! If I had a brush-

Jack: Dragonball Z.

SchmEthan: CORRECT! FOUR - Do you like beans on toast?

Jack: Yes, I-

SchmEthan: *Moves dangerously close to Jack's face* WITH MOULDY TEALEAVES

Jinxy: DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING...

SchmEthan: OK, Jinxy, you can stop now...

Jinxy: ...DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!

SchmEthan: *Sighs while dinging continues* So Jack, serious questions aside, what's it like working in Torchwood?

Jack: It's great! I get to fight aliens and die repeatedly and stuff! And then there's Ianto... *Jack raises eyebrows*

SchmEthan: Ah, yes. I believe Jinxy has something to say about that...

Jinxy: *Begins to growl*

Jack: What's she doing?!

SchmEthan: *Retreats to safe distance at top of stairs*

Jinxy: *Slowly prepares to spring*

Jack: What's your problem...?!

Jinxy: IIIIINNNNN THHHHEEEE NAAAAMMMEEE OOOOFFFF GWEEEEENNNN! *Leaps on Jack, and whacks him repeatedly with conveniently placed radiator* WHY-DON'T-YOU-LOVE-HER?!

*Audience forcibly laughs, cries, agrees and stands on their heads*

SchmEthan: CAN WE GET SECURITY BEFORE SHE RADIATORFIES OUR GUEST?!

*Origami ducks drag Jinxy off mangled Jack*

Jinxy: *Foaming at the mouth*

SchmEthan: *Sighs as Jack rezzies* You asked for that, buddy. Our Jinxy is not a big fan of the slash.

Jack: *Sourly* I gathered that.

Jinxy: *From corner* RETURN MA RADIATOR!

*Jinxy stays perfectly still as radiator is thrown at her head*

SchmEthan: So, you're good friends with the Doctor. Tell me, can I get a suit like that?

Jack: Na, he says the only other suits like that are in the BBC's wardrobe. Still don't know what he means.

SchmEthan: *Evil glint in eye* Muahahahahahaha! MUAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Jack: SchmEthan? You there?

SchmEthan: YES! Sorry about that. What would be the worst thing you've ever seen like ever?

Jack: It'd have to be-

*Before Jack could answer, SchmEthan pulls out a laptop and shows Jack a video involving breadsticks, Lady GaGa's vocal chords and Gandalf*

Jack: That. End of.

SchmEthan: Eckscellent! Now, where's out Jinxy got to?

*Jinxy returns from Pokemon centre looking much happier*

Jinxy: Fellow creatures of the Earth! Isn't this cave just so wonderful? I think that we should all-

*Jinxy stops as SchmEthan re-wires her*

Jinxy: JINXAAAYYY!!! RADIATORS!!! HAM!!! RICK ASTLEY!!!!!

SchmEthan: Much better, don't you agree, Jack?

Jack: *inhales*

SchmEthan: Did I say you could talk, mate?

*A microphone stand is placed in front of Jack*

Jack: What's that supposed to do, exactly?

SchmEthan: You know, I have no idea... ANYWHOOOOOOO, I think it's time for SOME ICE CREAMS!!!!

Jinxy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGHGHGRHGHRHGHRGH`RGHGRHGRHRGHG!!! *Jinxy trundles off to get ice cream van*

Jack: OOH! I could do with an ice cream! What flavours you got?

SchmEthan: Doom, gloom and mentally unstable.

Jack:... Sorry?

SchmEthan:... I mean... Nice, tasty and mentally notunstable!

Jack: Oh, that's alright. For a minute there, I thought you said doom gloom and mentally unstable.

*Jack gets up for an ice cream. SchmEthan walks over and pats him on the shoulder*

SchmEthan: Come now, Captain! Why would we give you ice creams of doom!

Poor, poor silly person in audience: Well, you said in the-

*Person cut off by a glare from Jinxy burning his hair off*

SchmEthan: So, Jack, what shalt thout be havingeth?

Jack: Weeeeeell, nice flavour sounds good.

*Jinxy pops up from behind the counter in an ice cream uniform to make Jack a nice (doom) ice cream*

Jinxy: Would you like some really bad things.... I mean BLOODY AWESOME sauce?

Jack: OKS!

*Jinxy gives Jack a glowing black ice cream*

Jack: Eating this couldn't have any really, really bad and/or embarrassing repercussions later, could it?

*SchmEthan punches the guy holding up the sign saying 'Epic Foreshadowing'*

SchmEthan: No, it couldn't possibly. *SchmEthan grabs Jinxy and hides behind a doom-proof shield*

Announcer guy: We'll be right back after these commercials!

-

The Hub Show epically random awesome quiz!!!!!!

YOU, yes YOU, could be in with the chance of winning £198234750219384752093847520389475209384520938412093572304857130984752193.45, a speck of dust, OR the chance to make a guest appearance on the next, or possibly some other, HUB SHOW LIVE!!!

To be in with a chance, simply send a PM to SchmEthan (.com/~schmethan) with the answer to this question!

What is that?

A dog's tail

A lightswitch

A free electron

Jinxy's *coughnotsoglamorouscough* face

PM's cost £198234750219384752093847520389475209384520938412093572304857130984752193.46 and the winner will be chosen at SchmEthan's discretion. During this time, the right answer will also be selected by Jinxy depending on how she feels at the time. LOL.

-

Are you feeling bloated? Congested? Desperate? Then try going to the toilet! It's a great way to stop yourself exploding! And the good news is, for only £SchmEthan's nose per month, you too can enjoy the benefits of going to the toilet!

Warning: going to the toilet can cause skid marks and a bad smell. The cost of toilet roll and other such accessories is not included in the price. Terms and conditions apply, most of which can be found on the inside of Jinxy's eyelids.

-

Guy: Welcome back!

SchmEthan (wearing a Bill Oddie beard): So, we're in a cave in the Wrong End Of The Stick Forest, watching as the wild Captain Jack Harkness feeds upon an ICE CREAM OF DOOM! Observe...

*Jack licks ice cream before convulsing maniacally and growing cheese out of his eyes. His hand turns into a fishbowl and his foot into the Queen's head. A bucket falls from the sky and melts upon contact with Jack's head, which has now turned into a pile of burning literature (specifically badly written romance)*

*Meanwhile, SchmEthan and Jinxy busy themselves by throwing walruses at the audience in the nicest way possible, while they forcibly dodge them*

*After Jack implodes and rezzies, SchmEthan and Jinxy grab him*

Jinxy: OPEN THE DOOOOOOOOORRRR!! ORIGAMI DUCK ARMY!!

*Origami ducks open the DOOOOOOOOORRRR and Jack is flung inside*

SchmEthan: ANY LAST WORDS, JACK?!

Jinxy: He's already inside, SchmEth.

SchmEthan: Oh. Oh well. RIGHT THEN! That's all for now! Join us next time, when the lovely *coughnotreallycough* Jinxy will be tackling Ianto Jones!

Jinxy: WHY YOU LITTLE…

Audience: *Forced applause*

SchmEthan: YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! *Shoots self with YAY gun* YAY!

*Shoots Jinxy*

Jinxy: YAY!

*Shoots audience*

Audience: *Forced YAY!*

SchmEthan: Better. Well, for now, SchmEthan and Jinxy... AWAY!!

*Jinxy takes off while SchmEthan runs headfirst into corner*

SchmEthan: Ow.

Don't forget, PM your questions and your competition entries! I will NOT accept bribes… *Grin*