Show Me Heaven: Chapter Two
ELIZA'S POV
God, it feels good to be home. It's only been two days and I'm feeling better than I have since I left. Working with Kaden was hard for the most part but it did me the world of good. It gave me the chance to forget. It distracted me. Even if I didn't sleep for the best part of six months, it was just what I needed. Something new. Something meaningful to me. Something to take my mind off of the one woman I thought I'd spend my life with. It was good for me, but now that I'm home…Arizona is on my mind. Honestly, she's never been far from my thoughts but working kept me busy. It kept me sane. I know there is nothing there between us anymore, but it still felt good thinking about her. It would've been easier if she'd done something wrong before she left, but she didn't. She didn't do anything to hurt me and I still live with the guilt I have on a daily basis. I still wake at night thinking about her. I still lie there just staring at the ceiling and remembering her face when she walked away from me. The sadness in her eyes. The fear of never being good enough for anyone. She is worth so much more than that and sometimes, I wish she was here so I could tell her that.
I don't know what she's doing with her life right now but last time I spoke to her, she sounded good. Hopeful, even. She sounded like she was living her life and finally getting herself to that good place we often discussed. It makes me mad that I couldn't be the one to cheer her on as she realized just how much she is worth, but I only have myself to blame. I messed up and the mistake I made was huge. Fucking monumental. I'd like to believe that I've come to terms with my behavior but I haven't. If I had, I wouldn't think about it every day. It wouldn't seep into my thoughts and cause sleepless nights. If I'd come to terms with it, I would have the courage to call her and see how she's doing. Yeah…I'll never understand what I did or my reasons for it. Sure, I know the reason, but it isn't good enough. Worrying about losing her will never be a good enough excuse for hurting her.
Dropping down on the couch, I pour myself a large glass of red and settle back. I have a friend due here soon but for now, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. It's what I do best lately but it works well for me. If I can spend a little time thinking about Arizona each day…it helps me. I don't know how and it probably sounds crazy, but it helps me. To cope. To believe that she is out there somewhere and happy. Even if I'm not, she should be. She should be so unbelievably happy that it makes people sick. Smiling at the thought of her dimples popping, my eyes close and her face is all I see. She knows I love her and that is all that matters. I can go on like I am knowing that she has that knowledge.
A knock on my front door pulling me from my thoughts, I climb off the couch and pull it open. "Hey, come on in." Stepping aside, Kaden brushes past me and heads into my home. "You find the place okay?"
"I did." She turns back to face me, a smile settling on her mouth. "Not what I expected, but it's nice."
"What did you expect?" I furrow my brow.
"Something a little bigger." She shrugs. "Maybe a grand piano in the hallway."
"Yeah, that's not me." I laugh as I close the door. "Glass of red for you?"
"Sounds perfect." Watching me as I move through my home, she takes a seat and crosses her legs. "So, what's new with you?"
"Well, since you last called me two days ago...not a lot."
"Sorry, I just like to keep track of things, you know?"
"What things?" I furrow my brow. "Honestly, I was surprised to hear from you. My contract ended…"
"Doesn't mean I'm not interested in you…" Her eyes narrowing, I'm not entirely sure where this conversation is going. "You have some incredible skills, Eliza…"
"Uh, I do." I give her a look of confusion. "How so?"
"I just get that feeling about you." She smirks. Kaden is a very attractive woman but she's not my type. Too busty. Too involved with herself. She knows she's hot and she plays on it. I want someone who is content with themselves but not over the top. It's not necessary to be that way. If you got the looks, you shouldn't need to try. Unless your personality completely sucks and you have to flaunt what you have. "Let me take you to dinner…"
"Um, I'm a little busy for the next few weeks." Giving her an awkward smile, she raises her eyebrow. "I am…"
"But I'm sure you can make a little time for me, Eliza." Her fingertips ghost over my wrist. "We have just spent six months together…"
"If you call that together, I've been doing this totally wrong." I snort. "I've been stuck in hotel rooms and studios for six months…"
"But I was watching you…" She smiles. "Found it hard to keep my eyes off of you…"
"Wow, okay." I clear my throat as I study her face. She looks to be genuine but I know women like her. I've met too many of then since Arizona left me. "I, uh…"
"I don't know why you're fiancé left, Eliza but she's a fool." She gives me a sad smile. "I know that's why you've been avoiding us."
"I didn't know there was an us." I can't help the laugh that falls from my mouth. "I figured I was working for you and that was the end of it…"
"You've been distant." She sighs. "I didn't want to push too hard. I didn't want to pressure you…"
"I appreciate that," I answer honestly. "Just...I'm really not ready for anything with anyone right now, Kaden."
"Including me?" She sits forward a little as she takes my hand in her own. "Can't you maybe just squeeze in a little time for us?"
"I-I don't know…"
"I think you do." She smiles, her lips just millimeters from my own. "I think you know exactly how this is going to go and I'm going to have you to myself."
"I'm really nothing special." I smile. "I fucked up my last relationship and I fully expect to do the same in my next."
"That isn't going to happen." She disagrees. "I'm not like the others." Damn right you're not. Nobody could compare to Arizona Robbins. "How about that dinner?"
"Maybe." I create a little space between us. "Next week?"
"Works for me…" Settling back in my seat, I get the impression this woman has never been told 'no' in her entire life. Maybe I'll just avoid her calls. My contract has ended with her so I don't really have any reason to contact her. She also has no reason to remember that I even exist. God, I hope this evening goes by quickly…and smoothly.
Waking to the sound of my cell buzzing against the nightstand, I squint a little and my head pounds. Kaden left a little later than expected last night but thankfully, she didn't push too hard. She didn't take matters into her own hands and I'm grateful for that. Honestly, I hoped she would've left earlier than she did but it was nice to have some company. I've avoided being home as much as possible since Arizona left but I have to get back into a routine sooner or later so I'm calling it all off with Kaden. I'll always appreciate the opportunity she gave me but it was work and that's all I ever saw it as.
Taking my cell, I hit the accept button and clear my throat of any sleep. "Hello?"
"Hey, you doing okay, Eliza?"
Smiling when I hear a familiar voice, I lie back and sigh. "Yeah, not too bad."
"You know, I heard your track," Jayden says with a little pride. "Sounds awesome." We've remained friends since I split with my fiancé and he's been there for me more than I thought he would. Nobody knows the real reason why we broke it off but I'm thankful for that. The embarrassment I have for myself is enough to help the guilt eat away at me and I don't need it from any of Arizona's friends. "Maybe we could catch up?"
"I'd like that." I smile. "I'm home all day if you wanted to come over?"
"Sure, I can be there in the next hour?" He suggests. "I mean, it's cool if you're busy but it would be great to see you…"
"No, I'm not busy."
"Okay, well I'll see you in a while then." He replies. "And you should know…she called me."
"Who called you?" I furrow my brow.
"Arizona." Oh god. Her name falling from his mouth sounds like it always did. Like we're supposed to be in the same sentence. "I'll tell you all about it when I get there."
"Hurry up." I climb from my bed. "I need to know how she's doing."
"She's good, Eliza." Oh, thank god. "I'm on my way." Ending the call, I rush into the bathroom and prepare for my day ahead. The fact Arizona called Jayden means that she's been asking about me. She wouldn't call him otherwise. The guys don't hang out at her place anymore. Of course, they don't. She doesn't have a place to call her own. I fucked that up, too. Regardless of where she is living, they don't do their usual thing anymore. I hate that, but maybe she has her reasons for it. Maybe she's changed and I wouldn't recognize her anymore. I just hope she is happy. Stripping my clothes from my body, step into the shower and moan as the heat hits my skin. My muscles. Everything feels good right now and that's how I need it to remain. Arizona isn't mine anymore. She hasn't been for a long time….
"So, what's new?" Dropping down beside Jayden, he shrugs and studies my face. "What?"
"Nothing." He smiles. "Just…you are desperate to ask about her so I'd sooner you did exactly that."
"I just miss her, Jayden." I sigh. "I know she doesn't love me anymore but I'm still allowed to miss her, right?"
"Of course." He nods. "But she's doing good. She is good."
"She's dating, isn't she?" I sigh. "I mean, why wouldn't she be dating?"
"I've no idea if she's dating, Eliza." I appreciate that he may not have the answers I want, but surely she's dating. Arizona should definitely be dating. "She loved the song…"
My heart sinking into my stomach, the thought of Arizona listening to my track leaves me with all kinds of feelings. Feelings I'm not sure I want. How the hell am I supposed to think about her more than I already do? Seriously, though. "You should visit her…"
"I can't do that." Jayden disagrees. "I may be close to her but I'm not that close, Eliza."
"You guys always used to hang out." I furrow my brow. "What changed?"
"She changed." He smiles. "She changed a lot."
"Wow, okay." I breathe out. "But she's okay?"
"She's more than okay." He nods, a smile curling on his mouth.
"And my track?" I raise an eyebrow. "She heard it?"
"She definitely heard it." He agrees. "She wanted to contact you to congratulate you but didn't think it was appropriate so she called me instead."
"Appropriate?" Why would she think that? We don't hate each other. We aren't enemies.
"She's under the impression that you're dating." He sits forward in his seat and toys with his coffee cup. "It wasn't my place to correct her and I mean, you could be dating…I don't know."
"I'm not." I disagree. "But even if I was, she knows she can call me. She knows she can talk to me."
"I guess she's just trying to do the right thing for you, Eliza." He takes my hand in his own and squeezes it. "This is hard for the both of you because we all know how much you guys loved each other." I still do love her. "I mean, I'm still shocked that it even ended."
"Me too." I give him a sad smile. "Just…wanted different things."
"Yeah, you both keep saying that but it doesn't make any of this any easier for us to watch."
"I'm sorry." I sigh. "Working with Kaden was good for me though, so at least that's something, hey?"
"Yeah." He smiles. "It's great to see you being recognized by the best. Most of us go through our entire lives wanting what you have…you should be proud."
"Just wish I had someone to share it with, you know?"
"You've got me." He throws me a wink. "I know I'm nothing special but you know how proud we all are of you. Cal included."
"Cal hates me." I laugh. "I wouldn't expect anything less, though." Jayden is the only one of the guys who calls and comes by. These are Arizona's people and I get that. It's why I left town for a while and worked on my career. It's why I chose not to stay here and remember what I had when she had just walked away. "Did she say anything else?"
"No." He shakes his head. "I think she wants to see you but she's torn."
"Why?"
"I don't know." He drops his gaze. I suspect he knows more than he is telling me but I'm not sure what he's trying to say. "I should head off and let you get on with your day."
"What did she say, Jayden?"
"She didn't say anything. I just get the impression that she misses you. Maybe just as friends, I don't know…but it's just a feeling I have."
"She knows she can call me." I shrug. "I've never told her I didn't want her to contact me or drop by. She knows this."
"Yeah, you're right." He agrees. "Maybe I'm just hoping for something that isn't there, Eliza. I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I wave off his apology. "I know you guys want the best for her but that's not me anymore. I think we all know that."
"I should go." He stands and squeezes my shoulder. "I have some stuff I'm working on if you wanted in on it?"
"Maybe." I smile. "I'll call you, okay?"
"Don't be a stranger, Minnick." He approaches the door. "You're my friend, too."
"I know." I follow behind him. "And I appreciate you checking in on me." Pulling him into a hug, he tightens his grip before releasing me and heading out onto the porch. "Have a great weekend with the guys."
"You know where I am if you want to hang out." Climbing into his car, he throws me a wave and fires up the engine. I know I've been single for the last eight months but it still feels kinda strange being home and alone. It's never how I imagined my future the day I met Arizona but I messed up and I accepted that a long time ago. I had to accept it…I can't change it so why try? Why try when Arizona doesn't want me anymore.
"Eliza, you lost me in that hotel room last night."
Sighing as I close the door, I head to the couch and pull my latest lyrics into my lap. Arizona was right when she told me that music is who I am, so that's what I now focus on. It's my one constant. It's always been there for me. That will never change, and neither will the situation I've found myself in. You're doing good, Eliza. Focus on that.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
