Author's Note: Here's chapter two. Thanks to Gypsy Rosalie and Tabithatibi for the comments.
Disclaimer: I am still not Lemony Snicket. I still do not own ASOUE or any of its characters. I have still never claimed ownership of them, despite what Geraldine Julienne wrote in her article, 'author claims to be another author' in the Daily Punctilio.
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If you have ever fallen hurt yourself and became unconscious from it, you probably know how it feels, unless you happened to hurt yourself again and acquire amnesia. If you have not been in such a situation, allow me to fill you in.
The Baudelaire all awoke at approximately the same time (or so my sources tell me) and felt the effects of the feeling I just mentioned. First they looked around them, wondering where they were. Then the pain kicked in and they couldn't concentrate on anything except for their wounds. Sunny had fallen on her back, but she didn't have any injuries except for a sore back, which I have now as I type this on my typewriter. Violet hit on her face off the ground and tasted blood on her lip. However, she also avoided any major injuries. Klaus fell on top of Violet and got away injury-free. I'm sure that you're wondering where they fell and if you aren't, then you're not reading as enthusiastically as you should be. They fell off the boat, into the water and into the hatch of a submarine, which looked like a giant question mark from above. They did not know the real name of this submarine, but Kit Snicket once referred to it as the Great Unknown.
"Ow, I hit my head", complained Violet.
"I got a sore back", added Sunny.
"Where's Beatrice?" Klaus said, panicking.
The three Baudelaires looked around them and then began to panic together. The truth is that Beatrice was wearing a life jacket, so she stayed afloat on the water when Sunny fell down. The boat began to get torn apart by the storm and a piece of wood with a sharp edge broke off the boat and hit Beatrice's life jacket. You probably know that a life jacket is a sleeveless jacket of buoyant or inflatable construction, for supporting the wearer in deep water and removing the risk of drowning. Please pay particular attention to the word 'inflatable'. Unless you have been living in an island that doesn't allow you to keep anything but a white robe and a shell of coconut cordial, then you'll know that to be inflated is to expand with air or gas. Violet inflated the life jacket before they left, but if you have ever stepped on a balloon, whether you are a volunteer,who accidentally tripped on it whilst trying to get to a masked ball, or an evil person who enjoys torturing innocent balloons, you'll know that anything inflatable can burst. That's what happened to Beatrice's life jacket when the sharp-ended piece of wood hit the life jacket. Beatrice fell into the submarine a couple of minutes after the Baudelaires has fallen unconscious.
"What's that?", asked Sunny, pointing to a tiny lump in the corner of this dark place where the Baudelaires were unfortunate to find themselves.
All three Baudelaires got back up to their feet and saw Beatrice lying on the ground, with a huge bump on her head.
"Oh no!", shrieked Sunny, worrying for Beatrice's safety.
"Beatrice!" shouted Violet, hoping to hear a response.
Klaus, the most well-read of the three, gently picked Beatrice up. He checked that she had an open airway, that she was still breathing and that she had a pulse. He examined the bump on her head and turned to his siblings to tell them his diagnosis, a word which here means the conclusion he reached from examining Beatrice's condition.
"She'll be okay. She's just unconscious", he told them.
"Phew" said Violet. She wasn't referring to a wrongly-spelt version of the word 'few', but rather an expression that can show fatigue, shock, disgust or in this case, relief. "I haven't been so anxious since Sunny was infected by the medusoid mycelium. I'm so relieved that she's okay."
"Ha ha ha ho!" laughed a very deep and familiar voice.
"He he he ha!" laughed a very high voice that was equally familiar.
The two people who were laughing, I'm sorry to say, were the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard. They came closer to the Baudelaires, who saw that one of Count Olaf's old associates, Fernald the hook-handed man, was with them.
"Ho ho ho he!" laughed the woman with hair but no beard, "You're never going to be relieved again, Baudelaires. It's been a long time since we last met. I must say I was mildly disappointed when I found out that you survived your little trip down Stricken Stream."
"Ha he ho hu!" laughed the man with a beard with no hair. "Stealing this submarine from the previous owners really has been worth the trouble. First we catch the Queequeg and the self-sustaining hot-air balloon. Now we have the Baudelaires. Now that they're all in our clutches and that the Snickets are all dead, we have finally triumphed."
"Actually, I heard that one of the Snickets is still alive", added Fernald. It was the first time they had heard Fernald speak since they escaped the Queequeg to meet Kit Snicket in a taxi at Briny Beech.
"Don't worry about him. All his does is sit at his typewriter all day. Now, Hooky, take the new prisoners to the brig. That's a fancy name for the jail cell. I'm sure it'll be a nice reunion", said the woman with hair but no beard. "Hew ho he ha!"
The man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard walked out of the Baudelaire orphan's sight, laughing as the went. Fernald didn't say a word to them as he proceeded to lead Violet, who was holding an unconscious Beatrice, to the brig along with Klaus and Sunny. He threw the Baudelaires into a jail cell. It was quite a big cell, but considering the amount of people in it, it was much too small. All three of them were shocked.
Unless you are a contortionist like one of the old enemies of the Baudelaires, it is physically impossible to make your head spin. If an author writes that his characters heads span, it is a simple phrase to say that they were overwhelmed by the sudden and shocking situation. The woman with hair but no beard mentioned that there would be a reunion, but the Baudelaires did not expect to have so many reunions at once. Violet's head span when she saw Quigley, Duncan and Isadora Quagmire. Klaus' head span when he saw Fiona and Captain Widdershins. Sunny's head span when she saw Hector, who made nice Mexican food, and Phil, who helped her cook aboard the Queequeg.
The Baudelaires' heads were spinning as so many old friends walked back into their lives.
