A/N- Based on Magnetic Fields "I think I Need a New Heart"
I Think I need a New Heart
"Time stands still
All I can feel is the time standing still
As You put down your keys
And say "Don't call me please"
As the Radio plays:
"I think I need a new Heart""
Sirius stared at his tea with a frown.
From the kitchen, he could hear food frying. Remus was in there, cooking up some kind of lunch to go along with the black tea he had poured. Sirius's favorite, perhaps due to the fact that it had his name in it. On most days, Sirius would be in the kitchen with his flat mate, constantly finding new ways to bug him.
But today, Remus was angry.
It was Sirius's fault, of course, because Remus almost never got mad, let alone angry. It sort of worried Sirius if he could be honest. Then again, he couldn't really blame the other man too much. If Sirius were normal, he'd understand. If Sirius were normal, he wouldn't have done it. Though Sirius was not normal, because he had been raised by a family who didn't believe in the norm.
The kitchen door swung open as Remus came into the small, slightly beaten dining room. He set down the tray with eggs topped with tomatoes, potatoes, and a side of black pudding. Sirius looked at him, though Remus was not looking back. "Thanks, Moony."
"Mm," Remus replied as he sat down. He was pouting and Sirius frowned again. He reached forward and grabbed his plate and Remus took his own. Their hands brushed as they grabbed their meals and Remus recoiled. Sirius winced.
"Moony," Remus took his napkin and set it in his lap as he grabbed his fork and knife, "look at me." the fork and knife clattered on the plate and Remus did as asked, though his gaze was cold.
"What do you want from me?"
"I don't want you to be mad at me."
"Well maybe you shouldn't have shagged that girl." Sirius winced again as Remus stared him down. They were silent. Remus picked up his utensils and started to cut his eggs. Sirius tried to find something else to say, but came up blank. He grabbed his fork and stabbed it into the egg. Some of the goop slid out.
Remus began to cry, startling Sirius, because he'd never seen Remus cry before. The other man covered his face with his large, scarred hands, and Sirius stayed stationed. "Moony?" he asked, and there was fear in it.
"Why can't I be enough for you?" Remus asked, his voice was strangled. Sirius put his hands in his lap and he was quite sure he looked like his ten year old self before he went to Hogwarts. Sad and guilty.
"You are," he murmured, but this only got Remus to choke on his own spit.
"Then why… these birds…" Remus sniffed again, "If it happened once, maybe it'd be… but it's all the time." his shoulders trembled, "You bring them here into our home! On our bed." Sirius lowered his head. He knew it was stupid, he knew it would hurt Remus, yet he couldn't help but do it sometimes. He looked so cute with a face that looked ready to cry, though Remus had never gotten angry over it. Not like now. "I hate the smell of their perfumes. It's everywhere, suffocating me."
Sirius didn't reply, because he had no good response. He was raised in a home of trysts and love affairs. Lies and deceit. He thought he could get away from it, but it was like that sort of love code was engrained in his skin and he couldn't pick it off. It wasn't like he wanted to hurt Remus, but at the same time he did. Women were something he needed, but Remus was too. Sirius knew it had hurt his mate, but all the same, he couldn't stop himself from doing it. It was like an addiction, and Remus had never said anything.
"You told me when we first got together that you didn't care if I got with birds still."
"Well I was 15 then and fancied myself strong." Remus looked up now, his eyes red. "I'm not strong like that anymore. You've worn me out. I thought," Remus smiled at this point, but it was a cold one. There was no warmth, "I thought when you asked me to move in with you, it meant that you loved me too, but I guess I'm a ruddy idiot."
"I do," Sirius replied without the slightest hesitation, and Remus laughed again, "I love you, Moony." he sighed, "You should have just told me it bothered you. I'm not a bleeding mind reader now, am I?" Remus stared back at him as if Sirius had just shit out a unicorn. Slowly, he shook his head and closed his eyes. He seemed to be breathing deeply, and finally he stood. "Moony?" Slowly, Remus opened his eyes and looked at Sirius.
"Most people don't need to say such a thing to their lover." he ran a hand through brown hair where a few strands of grey were beginning to spring up. He turned and marched towards the door that led to the flats backyard.
"Moony? Where are you going? Rem? Remus?"
"I need to leave for a while, Sirius, or else I might really hit you."
"Sounds bad,"
"It is." and with that, the door shut, and Sirius was left with cold runny eggs.
"You've lied too
But it's assumed that I can't tell the truth
Cuz it all comes out wrong
Unless I put it in a song
So the radio plays:
"I think I need a new heart"
Just for you"
"You really are an idiot, you know that, Padfoot?" Sirius blinked at James statement as he opened and closed his pack of cigarettes. Nasty habit it was, and one Sirius just couldn't find the time to quit. The two men sat out on the porch of James and Lilly's home. Freshly moved in and happy. Newly married, even.
"Well, I am insulted Monsieur Prongs!" Sirius replied as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. James made quick work to leap over and cover Sirius's mouth.
"Do. Not. Wake. Lilly." It was said slowly and Sirius made quick work of licking James's hand. James recoiled, said a particularly colorful word, and wiped his hands on his pants. Still, James was smiling that crocked grin that Sirius had always loved.
"Now why am I an idiot exactly?" Sirius questioned. James looked at Sirius from the top of his glasses before he sighed and shook his head. He sat down and rubbed his temple.
"You want to ask Moony to move in with you. You don't see a problem with this?" Sirius tapped his pack against the wicker chair he sat in before he considered it packed tightly enough and opened it. He pulled out a cig a shrugged.
"No, not particularly. You're gone, I'm lonely, Remus lives in a shitty place, I want him to live with me."
"Well, what are you going to do about girls you bring back?"
"I don't know, bring them back?"
"That's not funny, Sirius."
"I wasn't being funny. I was just stating what I'd do."
"That would really hurt Remus though, wouldn't it?" Sirius looked at James in confusion. His cigarette was about to be lit. He flicked on the lighter and lit the end of his cigarette. Smoke began to billow out. "You two are shagging, aren't you?" Sirius nearly choked on the smoke in his throat, but coughed instead. He looked at James wide eyed.
"You knew?" James shrugged.
"Not too hard to figure out with the way you look at each other." Sirius frowned, "And the way he looks at you when you got a girl with you." Sirius almost felt guilty at this.
"How long did you know?" he asked to deter the question.
"Since 7th year." James answered and then, with a bashful look, "Actually, I'm not so brilliant. I almost walked in on you two one day after quidditch practice." James's face was a little red, and Sirius's own almost lit up. "Still, I was being honest when I was talking about Moony's face. It's ruddy terrible to look at. Makes me feel miserable myself."
"I know," Sirius agreed, because there was no room to disagree on that. Remus did look miserable when Sirius talked about women.
"Why are you doing that then? If you don't like him, don't lead him on anymore. You guys can still be mates if you want just not, you know, the other kind of mates."
"I do like him."
"You don't act like it."
Sirius flicked the ash from his cigarette and James sighed.
"All I'm saying is, if you keep doing this, he's going to leave you."
"He told me it was fine if I got with birds still." Sirius defended, "If it starts to bother him, he'll tell me."
"And then?" James ventured, "Will you stop fooling around?"
Sirius seemed to consider this before saying, "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"Cause I always say "I love you"
When I mean "Turn off the lights"
And I say "Let's run away"
When I just mean "Just stay tonight".
"Let's run away together, Moony." Remus looked at Sirius from behind his book. He sat by the fire in the Gryffindor common room and so far, no one had bothered him from his reading. No one but Sirius.
"Why would you like to run away?" Sirius shrugged as he leaned his elbows on the couch, his face not far from Remus's own.
"Seems like a good idea. Just you and me. We can have a wolf pack together, only, it'd just be two wolves." Remus looked around hurriedly to make sure there really was no one in the room. Sirius smiled as he watched Remus's anxious expression, and then it melted. He returned his gaze to Sirius.
"I wouldn't be much fun." he reasoned, "You'd have more fun with James." Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's stomach, suddenly he was seeking warmth. Remus's sweater scratched him. He felt a bit tired. Then again, it was three in the morning.
"I would only need you, you know."
"Lying is not an attractive quality, you know." Sirius looked up to see Remus smiling, his amber orbs seemed to gleam against the reflection of the fires light.
"I'll always be attractive to you though, won't I?"
"Probably not." Sirius frowned, but realized quickly that Remus was joking, he was smiling. Sirius snuggled closer.
"Can we do it?" Sirius looked up at him now. Remus looked back at him, blushing. Even though it had been a year since the two had first gotten together, Remus still got embarrassed. Funny how he was the one who started it all. He was so cute, blushing and stuttering and promising that Sirius could date any girl he wanted, and all he had to do was screw Remus once. After they had done it, Sirius had discovered that his Marauder pal was really too cute, and a number of repeated events would have to happen, until Sirius eventually concluded that they should really just date.
Sirius's hand began to draw circles against the skin on Remus's stomach. He felt the other boy twitch. "Y-you want to do it now?"
"Yeah." he heard Remus swallow.
"O-okay." Sirius grinned as he slithered his way on the couch and on top of Remus. "Wait - shouldn't we go upstairs?"
"Can't. Peter and James are snoring logs." Sirius bent down to kiss Remus's forehead. He had the most frazzled, embarrassed look on his face. It was terribly adorable and Sirius wanted to devour Remus for that split moment in time.
"But… but someone could come down!"
"If we turn off the fireplace, they won't see." he flicked his wand at the flame and it went out. The two were in utter darkness.
"B-but they could hear." Merlin, he even sounded mortified! Sirius grinned.
"Then keep your voice down and they won't hear a thing, right?" his hand slid under the fabric of Remus's pants as he said this and Remus gasped in surprise. "Quiet now, Moony." he ordered in a whisper as his lips hovered a hairs breath away from Remus's. Remus whimpered in response and Sirius felt his own groin twitch. Remus really was as cute as a girl.
Sirius worked to slip off Remus's shirt with one hand as the other took turns between pumping Remus's member and sticking his fingers in a place Sirius never thought he'd ever stick his fingers. He trailed kissed up from Remus's collarbone to his ear and whispered, "Hey Remus, you'll blow me, right?" the other boy only nodded. Sirius went to kiss him on the mouth only to realize Remus was covering it with his hands.
Fucking. Adorable.
Sirius growled as he instead nipped at Remus's neck. "Never mind, fuck it. I want you to ride me instead, okay?" he heard a little moan from Remus, and decided to take it as a "yes". Sirius moved, pulling Remus up with him as the two switched places so Sirius was on his back instead. "I meant what I said before," Sirius informed as Remus tried to get himself comfortable.
"Huh?"
"I want to run away with you." he brought his hands to scarred, bony hips.
"Okay. We'll run away." Sirius guided the other boy down. He gasped and considered covering his own mouth. He covered it with Remus's and they swallowed each others sounds. They broke away for seconds, just to breathe.
"I love you," Sirius informed. He saw Remus's outline now as the 6th year boy once again covered his mouth. Sirius smiled. He ran his hand through Remus's hair, "You're mine,"
"But the words you want to hear
You will never hear from me
I'll never say "Happy anniversary"
I'll never stay to say, "Happy anniversary"
It had been a whole six hours since Remus had left, and the sun had set. Sirius had grown anxious, so he made quick work to use his floo connection to get to James's home. Upon getting there, he had discovered that neither James nor Lilly had seen him. James had gave a knowing look and Sirius had deflected it with ease by muttering something about Peter's home and how he thought he remembered Remus saying something about that.
"Do you want some pudding?" Lilly had asked, "I can't stand the smell of it right now. I want it out of the house." her stomach had been swelling from her recent pregnancy declaration and her cravings, James had informed, had gone to the bizarre.
"I hate the smell of their perfumes, it's everywhere. Suffocating me." Sirius wondered if the cases were similar in terms of scent, but then he remembered rather quickly that Lilly was pregnant and Remus was not. Still, the idea bothered him.
He agreed to take it for the sake of leaving as quickly as possible. When he arrived back at the flat, Remus was just walking through the door. He looked white as a sheet and he seemed to be more upset than when he left. "Jesus, Moony, where have you been? It's been hours!" Remus merely looked at him, and Sirius felt his mouth close tight. "I have pudding."
Remus shook his head and walked right past him and into the kitchen. Sirius heard shuffling go around in there and soon enough, he could hear the kettle on the stove. He walked in to see Remus's back to him, and his broad shoulders were shaking. Sirius stopped at the doorway, "Moony?" the body froze. "Moony, are you crying?" he walked closer to the figure and Remus stiffened. "Moony?"
"Just shut up, Padfoot!" Remus looked back at Sirius, his face red and white and blotchy, his eyes a bit puffy and red. He looked terrible, and Sirius's stomach dropped.
"Are you… are you all that upset over it? Over what we talked about today?" Remus looked back at the kettle. "Moony, Moony, look at me." he got closer to his lover, just a few feet apart, and that's when he smelt it.
Ever since he had mastered his animagus, Sirius's senses had increased two-fold. Now he could smell the scent of a man on Remus, and this is where Sirius's blood ran cold, "Who was he?" He could see Remus smile, but it looked more broken than anything.
"I thought-" Remus's voice cracked. He swallowed and tried to contain himself before he started again, "I just thought that if I… if I did what you do, maybe you'd-" he closed his eyes and he started his careful breathing, "I hated it. That's the worst part. I hated every minute of it. His hands and…" he shook his head before he finally opened his eyes and looked back at the kettle. Sirius looked to his feet. "I thought I'd get a bird, but I knew you wouldn't care."
It was true. He wouldn't have. Not nearly as much.
A red hot feeling began to build inside Sirius. He lurched forward and grasped Remus by the collar. He shoved him against the stove, careful not to let his sweater catch the flame. "Why would you fucking do that?" he stopped himself. He knew why, "I mean, why? Why would you let him come in you? The place where I am - where only I've been!"
"How did you think I felt, Sirius?" Remus snapped back, and Sirius could tell again that Remus was angry now, "You put in me what you put in countless women, don't you? I loathe it!" Sirius's grip tightened, "Those women, those filthy women - I just wanted you to know how it felt! I hated every minute of it, but I thought that if it made you feel like how I do just once." he voice broke, the kettle screamed, and Sirius's arm hung limp at his side.
Of course, he had thought of how Remus must have felt about his trysts, but the tables had never been turned on him, so as cold as it was, he never felt the need to care. "I hate his smell." Sirius finally said. "It makes me want to puke."
"Now you know how I feel." Remus replied weakly. He turned from Sirius and shifted the kettle to another plate on the stove. The two were quiet and Sirius was left to have his feelings fester.
"I'm sorry, Moony."
"So I think I need a new heart"
"You think that takes care of it?"
"Sorry?"
"You think I'll forgive you, just like that?" Sirius hung his head.
"I think I need a new heart"
"I hoped so."
"I can't ever trust you." Sirius, despite his better judgment, felt his throat tightened. He considered saying that he felt the same, but he knew the difference. Remus had done it for revenge, Sirius just did it to do it. Both were hurtful, but he couldn't help but realize that what he did was worse.
"What are you saying?" Remus began to poor the water into his teacup, but his hands were shaking.
"I don't know."
"Do you want to leave me?" Remus didn't answer. Sirius reached over and gripped the end of Remus's shirt. "Don't leave me."
"I think I need a new heart"
"I didn't say I would."
"You didn't say you wouldn't."
"I just want to go to bed." Sirius's grip tightened.
"Don't leave me Moony." His eyes began to water, and Sirius began to feel stupid, "Please," Remus looked away, "I need you." "It doesn't look like it."
"I think I need a new heart"
"I love you."
"You don't act like it."
"I'm sorry!" Remus pulled away, and Sirius's grip was released. "Moony!" he felt panic, he reached for Remus's shoulder and tugged, the tea splashed Sirius's skin. It burnt like hell, but his grip didn't waver, "Please, Moony - Remus," Remus looked to the ground, "I get it now, I get it!" Remus looked him in the eyes.
"Really?"
"Yes." "Then prove it to me." Sirius looked back at him, mouth gaped. Remus gave his last tiny and pathetic smirk before getting Sirius's grip off of him. "You can't. You never will. You are Sirius Black. Womanizer. I'll always be Remus Lupin, who prefers literature." he shook his head, "I was naïve back then for thinking it'd ever be different. I'm a grownup now, and it's time I face the facts." he placed his now empty tea cup in the sink, "I'm going to bed." he made his way to the door.
"Remus!" the door was closing, Remus didn't stop, "Just… give me time? I can prove it to you, I promise." the door closed, and Sirius was left alone.
"Give me time"
End
