My beta is on vacation this week so please forgive any punctuation or grammatical errors. I promise that my beta guru will return for the next chapter...hopefully.
Chapter 2 – Against All Odds
"I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now, well, there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.
Now take a look at me now 'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face.
Take a good look at me now 'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've got to take."
Against All Odds by Phil Collins
When Kaidan woke up he had been told that he had been unconscious for ten days. He had also been told that Commander Shepard had remained at his bedside for seven of those ten days and only had left when she could no longer postpone her obligations to the Counsel and to Earth. That had been fifteen days ago…fifteen long days and not one word from her. He had sent her an email saying that the doctors were now allowing him to have visitors and still his inbox had remained empty. Counselor Udina had told him that she had gone to Palvan to rescue the Primarc, she had succeed only to be pulled into more political posturing and was now on her way to Sur'Kesh to save a Krogan female.
Kaidan knew her so well. He knew that she would become obsessed with the mission, that it would become all consuming, pushing her, fueling her…that was who she was. It was that drive that allowed her to succeed where others failed, but he had to wonder if he would ever be that kind of priority to her? Even as he thought the question, the guilt washed over him as Ashley's face flickered across his memories. He was here…he was alive because Teghan had made him a priority over Ashley. He remembered those nights that had followed her death, the two of them had clung to each other both consumed by grief, guilt and relief. They had learned to move on from that tragedy together and then together they had defeated the geth, defeated Saren, defeated Sovereign and survived Ilos. He had believed that together they could overcome anything.
And then the unthinkable happened…he had lost her. He was alive and she was gone. He might as well have been dead…her death had killed something inside him…it had taken his will to live. He had been walking, talking, breathing corpse. Oh he went through the daily motions of life, but he had stopped living. There were a million things that happened every day that reminded him of her and the ache in his chest only grew worse. Wasn't there some bullshit about time healing all wounds? The person that had said that was full of shit or they had never lost their soul mate.
His friends and family were concerned about him, they had tried to pull him out of the haze that he was living in by taking him out for drinks or worse trying to set him up on dates…he had just stopped taking their calls. It had been Anderson who finally had gotten through to him by shaming him. The still then Counselor had told him that his behavior belittled the memory of Teghan and everything she had ever worked for. If he truly loved her and wanted to honor her he would get his life back on track and continue the work that she had started.
Anderson had been right. He knew that she would have been so pissed at him if she could see the shell of the man he had become. So he went back to work, trying to keep himself busy so that his mind was not idle so that it didn't drift back to thoughts of her. He put in long hours so that when he eventually fell into bed he didn't dream about her…he had survived…alone, but he also realized that sometimes survival wasn't enough.
It was six months after her death that he heard the first rumors about her, about Cerberus, but he had just written it off as idol gossip. The first story that had grabbed his attention was about eight months later when he had been stationed on Horizon. The details had been far-fetched, but still plausible. A couple of Alliance soldiers had docked at the colony to pick up supplies. He had overheard them talking and had ignored most of the conversation until he heard her name.
"Yeah, so did you hear that they found Shepard's body out in deep space and that the Shadow Broker was looking to sell it?" one of the soldiers stated matter-of-factly.
Anger rose up in him so quickly that he literally snapped the pen he held in his grasp in a half. NO! He absolutely refused to believe that the Shadow Broker was bartering with her body. He just couldn't allow himself to mentally head down that path not if he wanted to remain sane.
"That isn't what I heard. The last time I was on Omega, I overhead a few Cerberus officers talking about a highly classified project. They said that Cerberus has her…that she isn't dead and that they are keeping her prisoner."
"Jonesy, you're so full of shit," the other soldier laughed as he threw an apple at the man's head.
"Hey man, I'm just telling you what I heard."
He tried not to let the small grain of hope take root. She wasn't alive…she was dead…she was gone…she wasn't coming back. He repeated over and over again, trying to stomp out the tendrils of hope that tried to grow. He had failed and failed miserably. The idea that she was alive had started to take hold and he couldn't shake the feeling. The thought that Cerberus had her, was experimenting on her outraged him. If she was alive, if they had her, he had to find her, had to save her. He had reached out to Anderson, to the members of the Alliance that might have known anything and they all rebuffed his inquiries which told him there had to be some truth to it.
Then the rumors started that not only was she alive, but that she was now working for those sick bastards. He couldn't believe that bit of gossip...refused to. There was no way in hell that Shepard...his Shepard would ever work for those bastards. If she was then they had done something to her, altered her somehow and she was no longer the woman that he knew and loved.
Looking back now he knew that he had handled the whole situation on Horizon poorly. Honest to God though he had never expected to see her there and the very sight of her had stunned him. At first he thought he was hallucinating or dreaming, he had actually pinched his hand to make sure that he was awake.
As he approached her, he studied her intently looking for any sign that it wasn't her that Cerberus had somehow created a clone of her, but everything about her was exactly how he remembered it; from the way she moved, to the impish grin she gave him, to that familiar gleam in her eyes when she saw him. Instinctively, without even thinking, he pulled her into his arms, buried his head in her neck, breathed her in and that distinct scent of vanilla, citrus and spices inundated his scenes and his mind flooded with hundreds of memories of her. He literally had to fight back the tears.
She was here, she was in his arms. She had been dead, but now she was alive. She was alive…she had been alive this entire time…while he mourned her…while he tried to figure out how to live his life without her, she had been alive. Fuck! The emotional strain over the past two years had caused something in him to snap. His heart had gone from complete joy to overwhelming anger in a matter of minutes and to say that he hadn't reacted well would be a bit of an understatement.
She had stood there asking him how he had been. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? How the fuck do you think I've been? I've been mourning your death, trying to survive through the day just to get up the next day to do the same.
She stood there telling him that she had been clinically dead that it had taken Cerberus two years to put her back together. That because so much time had passed she assumed that he had moved on and that she didn't want to open old wounds….Old Wounds! To have old wounds would imply that my wounds have actually healed…they haven't, they have just scabbed over and seeing you here trying to make excuses for not letting me know you were alive just sliced those lacerations right open Sweetheart!
Searing pain coursed through him, his heart ached and worst of all he wanted was for her to feel just a tenth of the agony he was in. It had brought him some kind of sick satisfaction for a brief moment when he watched the ripples of anguish flicker across her face when he had told her that he had moved on...that was until he had seen the same heartache in her eyes that was in his heart, instantly causing him to regret his words, but not enough to stop him from accusing her of jumping into bed with the enemy, of betraying the Alliance, of betraying him.
The first message he had sent her a message was still fueled by anger and the need to show her that she wasn't the only one that could move on. Why he thought it was a good idea to mention going out on a date was beyond him? She had never replied and he honestly couldn't blame her.
When he had time to truly calm down, to think about all that she had told him, he regretted everything that he had said to her. She was going after the Collectors, she was going through the Omega 4- Relay, she was on another suicide mission and he had let her walk away without telling her how much he had missed her, how much he loved her...still. He had sat down a hundred different times to write her again, apologize for his bad reaction on Horizon and explain why he had overreacted, but the words would never come because in recesses of his mind he doubted her and if it really was her.
He had heard about her team destroying the Collector's homeworld and blowing up the Mass Relay that annihilated 300,000 Batarians. His initial reaction had been that his Shepard would never have done such a thing, but when he read the reports that Reapers were just minutes away from coming through the relay he knew she had acted appropriately...that she had acted exactly the his Shepard would…defeat the Reapers no matter what the cost.
Their confrontation on Mars was his latest round of 'how much pain can you cause Shepard'. The ache his doubts about her had caused were etched clearly on her face and in her eyes. It killed him knowing that he was the cause of that anguish. Again, he had immediately had regretted his words, he instantly wanted to take them back, but he hadn't been able to before he had ended up here.
During his stay at the hospital, he had met a member of her team that she had taken with her to the Collector's base. The gravely ill Drell was very loyal to Shepard. Which wasn't surprising, there wasn't a person that had followed her that was not devoted to her. The Drell was also very insightful which was a little surprising considering he was an assassin, but after speaking with him, Kaidan was even more confused. He could tell by the way Thane spoke of her that the two had shared a connection. When Kaidan questioned him about it the assassin just shook his and said that some are fated to be lovers while others are destined to remain only friends. What the hell did that mean? Was he referring to Kaidan or himself as the fated lover?
Despite his confusion, his conversation with the assassin had placed some things into perspective for him, gave him a lot to think and reflect on. He loved her. He always would. However, they had caused each other so much pain that he didn't know if they could move beyond it, but he wanted to try if she was willing to give him a chance.
There was a slight knock at the door then it opened and she walked in. She looked incredible and he felt his heart leap in his chess. There was so much he wanted to say to her and every thought he had just completely escaped him at the very sight of her.
"Hey Shepard," he said trying to sound nonchalant.
"Hi Kaidan," she said with a warm smile. She handed him a package. "I brought you something to keep you entertained while you are cooped up here."
"You didn't have to do that," he said with a grin as he took the gift from her and opened it. He laughed when he saw the book.
"You do realize that these…"He held up the book and shook it. "Come electronically now."
"I know, but there's something to be said about holding the weight of the bound book in your hand, the feel of the pages as you turn them…I know it's silly…call me old fashion," she said with a shy smile.
"I always found your obsession with all things archaic endearing and charming," Kaidan replied as he ran his hand over the old book and flipped through the yellow pages. "This thing is ancient. When was it published?"
"2008."
"No way, this had to cost you a fortune, Shepard. I can't accept this."
"It's from my own personal collection. I've had it for years and honestly don't remember what it cost. It's one of my favorites so I wanted to share it with you."
"I'm touched…thank you." Kaidan ran his fingers over the hardback's embossed title, The Hunger Games."What's it about?"
"It's a post-apocalyptic…"
Kaidan burst out laughing.
"What?" She asked slightly irritated, slightly amused.
"I just find your fascination with old books and classic movies that center around the end of the world ironic."
"I thought you said it was charming and endearing."
"Oh it is in an ironic kind of way. Why do you find that topic so interesting?"
She paused for a long time before she replied. "I find it comforting that generations before us had the same fears and concerns regarding their own extinction. These books and movies were their way of coming to terms with those fears. I also find hope in it…they fought and overcame, Earth wasn't destroyed, and their families were saved and lived."
"You do realize these aren't documentaries, they are make-believe," Kaidan stated dryly.
Shepard teasingly punched him in the arm; Kaidan grabbed his bicep as he cried out. She lunged forward, she placed her hand where she had hit him and tenderly caressed. "Oh Kaidan, I'm so sorry. I didn't…"
Her voice trailed off as she looked up into his grinning face. Her eyes narrowed as she took her seat again. "You'll pay for that Alenko."
"I'm looking forward to it." He hesitated then plunged forward while he still had his nerve. "Teghan, are we okay…I mean after Horizon and Mars…we're good."
"We've been through hell together; we've had each other's backs. Those kinds of experiences bond people together. We will always hold a special place in each other's lives."
What the hell did that mean? It was like she was pulling a page out of the Drell's notebook.
"You're right, we have been through alot together…and there has also been a lot that we haven't been through together…Teg, I'm so sorry about the things that I said to you Horizon and on Mars. I handled the whole situation badly. I-I may have been wrong about Cerberus…but I know I was wrong about you. Can you ever forgive me for doubting you?"
She smiled warmly at him and took his hand in hers. "Yes, it's over and in the past so let's just put it behind us so we can move forward."
He squeezed her hand, she looked up at him with those piercing green eyes and his heart melted. "Teghan…I need you to know that for me…there isn't anyone else. It's you I want to move forward with."
She pulled her hands out of his grasp and sat back in her chair. "Kaidan…"
His heart sank, but he quickly went on. "I understand if there is someone else. It's been a long time, but with everything that is going on I needed you to know that I still care about you, Teg…I always will…Do you still care about me?"
There was a long pause…it felt like an eternity as he waited for her reply. "Yes…I will always care about you…but sometimes that isn't enough."
"Is there someone else?"
There was another long pause then she finally replied, "No…not really."
"Then can we be friends and see where that leads…if anywhere?"
She smiled at him. "We will always be friends, Kaidan."
"And the other?"
"I-I don't know. We have caused each other a lot of pain…maybe too much."
Kaidan felt his heart break. He knew he had screwed things up, but he had hoped. "I understand," he said as he laid his head back against his pillow.
"Kaidan?"
He looked over at her and there was slight smile on her face. "You know, the nice thing about being friends is that you never know where that path will lead."
She had definitely been spending too much time with the Drell, but he returned her smile and hope remained. "That's very true."
She stood, paused then walked over to him, leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I'll let you get some rest."
"Thank you for coming by, Shepard and thank you for the book."
"Take care, Kaidan."
He watched her walk away and as the hospital door closed behind her he tried to reassure himself that she had left the door to her heart cracked. Maybe it wasn't wide open, but she had left room for the possibility of something more.
A/N - OMG! I'm so excited that I have reviews! And they're wonderful! Thank you! I was nervous with this being my first Mass Effect story so your support made my day.
*I also want to thank everyone that added this story to their alert and favs list. The response brought a smile to my face.
