Chapter 2 – Bleak Thoughts
Christian grabbed a newspaper from the pile and tossed some coins in the box. He reprimanded himself for having so little faith in Syed, if he said he would be here, then he would move heaven and earth to do so. After all, this break away had been all his idea. It hadn't been an idea born in the throes of passion; he had come to Christian with all the logistics worked out in military precision. The cover stories, the location, and the transport arrangements even the luggage all worked out in minute detail.
Christian had been thrilled and disappointed in equal measure. Excited at the prospect of capturing some quality time with Syed, overjoyed that he would go to so much trouble to be with him, really spend some time together, to have something more than just a quick fumble. However it also brought home to him just how much of Syed's life was cloaked in deception, how seldom it was that he was able to just be himself. For every objection that Christian raised, or every deviation to the plan that he suggested Syed had answers ready – no, they couldn't go abroad for risk of evidence on his passport; no, they couldn't stay in London because someone might see them; no, they couldn't travel together at the same time, someone might get suspicious; no, he couldn't hire a car in his name just in case somehow he ended with an insurance claim….. and so it went on.
Christian had acquiesced, though it went against his nature to engage in subterfuge, though the timing and the location couldn't be further from his choice, though nothing in the plan was to his preference – nothing that is except spending time with Syed. His heart ached, it was only six days since he had seen him, but he missed him so much. He missed HIM, not just the sex – he could have that anywhere (well maybe not here, but anywhere else he chose to go!), but he missed the looks, the laughter, the scent of him as their choreographed moves around Masala Queen enabled the odd sensuous brushing of hands, bumping of bodies, whispered sweet nothings all within the glare of his unsuspecting family. He missed the stolen moments they shared, the kisses, soft and luxurious; hard and passionate; breathless and intense. He missed the touches, gentle and reassuring; subtle and teasing; rough and domineering.
Christian climbed up the hill, his body warmed by the exertion of the walk back to the cabin, his heart warmed by the memories of Syed. Was it just the allure of forbidden fruit that cleaved him to Syed? He guessed Jane would say so. His face burned with the memory of nearly losing his sister because of that misguided affair with David, he knows now it wasn't love. The only reason he knows for sure is because of what he feels now. Love has hit him like an express train and left him reeling, left him compromising his 'out and proud' integrity with this dishonesty, they say love conquers all – but the truth is that if he multiplied the hurt he felt at nearly losing Jane by a thousand he still wouldn't be close to the hurt that he would impose on Syed by truly accepting their love.
He reached to top of the hill, drew the cold air deep into his lungs. He turned his back on the cabin and looked out over the vast expanse that was displayed in front of him. Miles of empty space, he guessed that it was the sort of landscape that poets would wax lyrical over, but all it represented to him was the miles that stood between him and Syed.
The fresh air had cleared his hangover, the walk had removed the chill but he was still bored and without Syed, he was still lonely. He shook his head and turned towards the cabin.
Think positive, he chided himself again. Let tomorrow take care of itself, live for the moment. It had served him well up until now and if that was all that was on offer from Syed then he should take maximum advantage while he could!
He pulled the door closed, turned the heating on, shrugged off his coat and turned on the radio. The cabin had a huge open plan kitchen, dining room and living room area, with two bedrooms and the "Pièce de résistance" a large secluded hot tub area with sliding glass doors that you could open to the outside with a uninterrupted view over the valley below and the mountains beyond. He couldn't help the grin spreading across his face at the images that wandered through his mind of Syed and that hot tub.
He had less than five hours left to prepare, he wanted to plan their reunion, to luxuriate in the anticipation; to make everything perfect. He hung up his coat and put away his gloves and scarf and headed to the kitchen. He had guessed the local shops would have limited fare so he had come equipped with the appropriate spices, herbs and condiments, there were some (but not many) benefits of working with his mother, he not only knew what Syed's favorite dishes were but exactly how his mother prepared them. While he had many complaints to make about Zainab, he couldn't fault her cooking. The fridge was stocked with plenty of local fresh fare so they wouldn't need to go out for the length of Syed's visit if they didn't want to.
Before long the kitchen was infused with the warm familiar smell of cumin and coriander, Christian was happily chopping, slicing, stirring and tasting while bouncing along to the music. He wondered how they were coping at Masala Queen and pushed aside the worried thought that Syed might still be there right now doing the same thing as he was doing here. He put the marinated chicken into the fridge and couldn't resist swiping a finger along the side of the chocolate fudge cake. He sucked the sweet frosting from his finger, wrapping his tongue around it and wondered how it would taste smeared over Syed's delectable skin, licking it from his lips and plundering it from his mouth. He stood for a minute, savouring the thought feeling himself getting hard. His reverie was interrupted by a rap at the door. He looked out to see Julie's Landover outside, with the muffling of the snow and the volume of the music he hadn't heard it come up the drive. A cold shiver ran up his back – was this news he was dreading, was this excuse from Syed. He turned the music down and opened the door to be faced not with Julie, but with her younger brother Jamie.
"Dad sent me," he grunted clearly miffed at being sent on an errand, "it's going to be cold tonight, thought you might need some more logs for the fire."
Christian helped him stack the logs and bring a full basket into the cabin and listened intently to the monosyllabic instructions for using the log burning stove. Jamie gratefully accepted a nip of whisky against the cold, but turned his nose up at the offer of 'foreign' food. Eventually he left leaving Christian with just an hour to finish his preparations. He showered and changed, set the table, found a few candles stuffed in the back of a cupboard, set the fire and waited. The fire crackled and spit and he lay out on the sofa with his eyes closed, listening for the sounds of an approaching taxi and thought about night ahead. He waited and waited….
As the hours slipped by he began to pace the floor, he alternated between worry that something had happened, anger that he might have lost his bottle and reassuring himself that it was a long journey and he might just be late. As the sun went down and he switched the lights on, so a dark cloud fell over Christian's mood. With resignation he knew the last train would have been in two hours ago, and Syed clearly wasn't on it. He thought about heading for the pub to get at least some company, but couldn't face the half mile trek, so he poured a large glass of vodka, switched the lights back off and wallowed in his misery with the light of the fire the only thing to accompany him.
