Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel
Disclaimer: I do not own them
A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed
this chapter may contain scenes not suitable while eating
Chapter 2
Month one of year 3022
Estel has grown weary of the cold in Imladris and I have been worried he would catch cold so we have journeyed to my wife's family in Lothlorien. Galadriel and Celeborn have fallen in love with him, but they do not truly know him as I do.
The evening meal was grand an Estel regaled them with stories of his doings at home. Soon though we wanted time alone and I sent Estel off to bathe, error on my part again. It was as we walked through Galadriel's glade that we found Estel, naked, sitting in her mirror. As we approached he stood, dripping the sacred water from him.
"The water is tainted!" my mother in law had screamed for the next two hours. Estel was so frightened he urinated in the water, I will not be telling her that though.
Month two of year 3022
Galadriel has forgiven Estel, although he is no longer allowed in her glade and he is escorted around everywhere. They thought him harmless this way. Haldir and his brothers were teaching Estel the proper way to hold a bow, but after two ended up with arrows in them, that stopped. I see Estel is becoming bored with no one to talk to. The other elflings have labeled him a troublemaker and refuse to go near him.
It was the last night we were to be there when the last thing happened. I had tucked Estel into bed, telling him goodnight, but he had claimed he was frightened. I told him if he found he could not sleep to come to my flet, my mistake thinking a child could find it in the dark.
Estel awoke frightened but it was not my flet he wandered into but Galadriel's. I have to give him credit for he made no noise in his movements, stealth his friend that night, but it was Celeborn and Galadriel who were surprised even more.
Estel had screamed finding his grandmother less than clothed, and then Galadriel had screamed. This brought every guard within distance to her flet, her naked, the guards an Estel staring.
I was going to mention she should have foreseen it in her mirror, but I thought better of it since the urine incident. I have drank many glasses of wine and begged Haldir to smite me to death, as Estel has asked me to tell him of the body parts of girls.
Month 3 of year 3022
It is Estel's birthday and he is going to be three today. It is not very old to an elf, but Estel claims it is very important. I wish to honor him and have made a cake. Since today is his birthday I have been lenient with Estel, letting him have a bit of leeway when it comes to mischief, must have my head checked for that.
I awoke to find Estel atop the kitchen counter making himself breakfast as he claimed he was old enough. The kitchen was a mess, and I was once again threatened by the cook. She refused to make breakfast after seeing the mess, and then we were all stuck eating what Estel had made, raw eggs and milk.
An hour, and four dry heaves later I went to search out the little imp. I found him with his brothers. Elladan an Elrohir were having a wee bit of target practice, an Estel thinking he was old enough grabbed the smallest bow and notched an arrow. My cries frightened him and he loosed the arrow straight into Elladan's leg. The string of curses that followed were not pleasant.
I have now tucked him into bed and thanked the Valar for him, although I do wonder if he is a test of my sanity.
Month 4 of year 3022
Although only three I have found that Estel can be quite the menace. Glorfindel has now retreated to his room and has not come out for many days. After the incident I can't say that I blame him. It seems when he went for a bath Estel took his clothing and every towel in the room, leaving him nothing but the soap dish to cover his nakedness with. He had made it almost all the way down the stairs to gather up his clothing that he saw was precariously laid across the bannister at the foot of the stairs.
The twins, Estel and I had come from the dining hall to see what was taking him so long when we saw him, naked with a soap dish covering his nether regions. I was shocked and gasped but the giggles from Estel alerted me that he was indeed the culprit. I wanted to punish him then but Glorfindel's dilemma was a bit more in need. He had made it to the bottom of the stairs but when we came out of he dining hall he started backing up the stairs.
Everything would have been fine had the chambermaid not been coming down the steps. They collided and Glorfindel lost his soap dish. The maid screamed as she fell trying to grab Glorfindel to break her fall, but that was not something she should have grabbed. Both ended up at the bottom of the stairs. Now Glorfindel will not leave his room and the maid has sailed.
I went to scold Estel but I found myself laughing so hard I could not. The Valar have sent him to keep me young with laughter, this I know.
Month 5 of year 3022
Estel has been having nightmares of late and he has been sleeping with Elladan. Today however Elladan came to me and refused to sleep with Estel another night. Elladan had bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in weeks. I scolded him for his harshness, and sent him on his way.
Tonight I tucked in Estel beside me in the bed, and kissed him goodnight. I rolled over wondering how could Elladan throw him out when he looked so sweet as he drifted off to sleep.
One a. m I have found Estel laying across my feet, his body keeping me from being able to roll over at all. I have placed him back under the covers and tucked him in.
Two a.m I have awoken to find Estel's head laying again on my feet, and his feet precariously close to my midsection. I have again tucked him back under the covers in hopes that this time he stays.
Three a.m Estel has awoken and gone to the bathroom, crawling over me in the process and making enough noise to wake the dead. Once done he came back and crawled over me again, his knee finding places to support him on his way that made me bite my tongue to keep from screaming. I hope he finally goes to sleep for I am tired.
Five a.m I can't breathe something is taking away my air supply and I panic. I open my eyes and find it is not some foul creature that has made it inside the palace, but instead it is Estel's pinky toe wedged firmly in my nose as he lays facing my feet fast asleep. Tomorrow he is sleeping with Erestor, for to wake up with a toe in your nose is a thing I never thought to happen.
Month 6 of year 3022
We have gotten Estel a cat to keep him company around the house when the rest of us are busy. Estel has already trained the kitten to go outside to use the bathroom and I am very proud, but we have been told by the men in Dale visiting that we should have the kitten fixed before he starts to mark his territory.
The kitten has started sleeping at the foot of my bed. I find it very touching that it trusts me enough to sleep with me and the soft sound of it purring lulls me to sleep. I do not know how the men of Dale can speak of fixing an animal like this kitten, for all I can see wrong with it is that it is too cute.
I am dreaming of Celebrian, she is whispering her love for me in my ear, I am excited. It is then in my dream that she begins to nibble my ear, I find this wonderful, and squeeze my eyes shut waiting to see what else she will tell me, but I wonder why she is pouring water into my ear. I sit up in bed, and my ear is indeed wet. It is a dream or does she stand here in the room awaiting me?
My hand reaches up to wipe the water away and then it hits me, the smell. I turn to see the kitten lifting it's leg and relieving itself on my pillow, marking its territory as animals do. I scream for now I know what is in my ear.
I jumped from the bed, running into Erestor's room, flinging the door open as I enter. My advisor is sitting in bed reading when I explain to him that the cat has urinated in my ear, marking his territory. Erestor spews the sip of tea he has just taken into my face and bursts out laughing.
"Cat.. urine ... in your ear!" he says his laughter irritating me.
"I smell like cat urine, my ear has been used for a toilet and my advisor has tears rolling down his face as he laughs at me."
The cat is going to be fixed tomorrow, and is never sleeping with me again. I must now go and soak my head an ear in water for many hours, hoping I do not go deaf from it, I hope being underwater drowns out the snorts of cat.. urine! oh Valar how funny is that, as Erestor is still laughing about it.
Month 7 of year 3022
It is true that children will put anything into their mouths and then try to eat it. Just today I found Estel eating mud pies as he called them, and I sent him directly upstairs to bathe. He came out squeaky clean, but not but an hour later I found him eating the glue in my jar in my study. I have since washed his mouth out and sent him into the playroom where there is nothing but old Yule ornaments and a few of Arwen's dolls.
The rest of the day has gone by without Estel being found eating anything else, although he was looking very guilty when I came to get him from the room for dinner. Two hours later I found out why. Estel called to me from the bathroom, screaming that I should hurry.
I ran in and asked him what was the trouble when he turned around and I saw tinsel, non digested tinsel hanging from his backside. The sight of it made me turn three shades of green, but I knew I would have to remove it, as Estel could not.
"Hurry Ada, you are killing me!" Estel screamed.
"I would not have to be doing this at all if you had not eaten the tinsel now hold still," I rebuked. The task was making me gag, the dry heaves threatening to have me spill my dinner beside me. I beat my head on the toilet, begging the Valar to save me from the task.
I could hear footsteps approaching the door and Glorfindel stuck his head in.
"Elrond, I came to see if you needed any help," but at the sight of the task the words Sweet Valar... oh no came from his mouth. He quickly gagged, his eyes watering as vomit poured from his mouth all over my boots. I cannot move, the shock of what has just happened, and what I am doing stunning me for a second. My revenge is sweet though as I pull hard, with all my strength to remove the last of the tinsel and hand it to Glorfindel.
I stroll from the room to go and bathe for many hours, and the thud of Glorfindel hitting the floor is a solid victory. I hear Estel yelling that Glorfy is puking but I keep walking. If you must do disgusting things as a father then why not make it a family task. The thought of Glorfindel laying on the bathroom floor, poo filled tinsel in his hand, while he leans over the toilet make me laugh. It is good to be the only one with a lock on his bedroom door.
Month 8 of year 3022
Last week I obtained talcum powder from one of the travelers coming through Imladris. I have been out of this since his last visit and bought a vast amount. Arwen especially likes it. I had gone to check on Estel who I found was napping and thought it would be a good time to sit down and finish up some much needed work, but that was not the plan of Estel it seems.
I went to waken him from his nap and found his entire room covered in my freshly bought powder. It looked as if it had snowed in the room, and when I sat down in the chair a puff of white smoke came billowing up. I yelled for him, and sure enough my so called innocent son came from behind the door, covered from head to toe, even his hair was white.
I told Estel to sit and wait for me to come back with water, but the gods have deemed it necessary to have a bit of fun. Glorfindel walked into Estel's room to inquire of my whereabouts and found the solid white Estel. He ran from the room screaming, They shall not take me back." Seems Glorfindel is a bit skittish around so called ghosts. I must admit now after cleaning him up a bit the sounds of Glorfindel praying in the next room to remain in Arda is a bit funny.
Month 9 of year 3022
How can so much fluid come from one child? Estel has grown ill and I am at a loss. He has rid his stomach of all that was in it, and everything that he takes in makes him vomit again. As a father I cannot deny my child anything so when he wakens and begs me for something to drink I give it to him. Am I wrong knowing it will only appease him for mere minutes before he vomits it up, or is it that I can't deny his pleading and begging me?
How does a father look into his child's eyes and tell him he cannot help him? This has never happened to me before and I am at a loss. Each thing causes pain, for to give him water will hurt him, but to look into his eyes and see him pleading to me for it, begging even rips at my heart. Tomorrow he should be fine, but tonight I will be crying along with him.
Month 10 of year 3022
Paint an Estel do not mix. Erestor gave the child a set of paints and now I have given Erestor the job of cleaning the walls in the foyer. Guests do not like to see pictures of elves drawn as stick people, for elves are a proud race, and one not well depicted by a three year old.
Month 11 of year 3022
Rule number forty-two, do not give Estel anything to cut with. Rule number sixty-five do not tell him that he can fix your hair after giving him said cutting instrument earlier in the day. It is a sad fact I write here today for the cook's helper is bald in places, and the cook has sailed to Valinor. The helper has claimed Estel is really a minion of Sauron to kill us off one by one, an Estel is still smiling. This entry must end for Estel has gone looking for Erestor to give him a haircut an advisors are hard to come by.
Month 12 of year 3022
Estel is once again excited about Yule. I must say he has not shaved, dirtied or otherwise inflicted pain on anyone in days. I am impressed. I have spent close to the entire night wrapping everyone's gifts and now I am tired. The bed seemed to engulf me and I was fast asleep within minutes. It is now five in the morning, the sun is not up, but Estel came in here to announce it would be in an hour before going back to his room.
I was having the most beautiful dream of a walk along the white shores, and now Estel is jumping up and down on my bed yelling about Yule is here." I wish to sleep, but Estel says we must get up and see what has been brought. I tried to stay in bed, I argued the point of waiting, but after four hops up and down on my pillow and one tiny foot wedged in my rear trying to push me from the bed I am up.
Yule is over, there is a stack of wrapping paper two feet tall in the Hall of Fire, toys strung from here to there and Glorfindel is slurping eggnog out of the bowl like a heathen cow. I am going back to bed and hope to sleep for the next week.
