I wrung my hands nervously, as they became clammy in fear. I took a deep gulping breath, like I was drowning in the ocean, struggling to keep afloat, and only had one last breath of air I could inhale. Mum knocked on the door, the action causing it to rattle lightly in its frame. It was enough to make me stick my whole body against the wall, trembling. They couldn't drag me out. They couldn't.

"Honey, are you getting ready? You need to leave in 20." A part of me hoped she meant 20 years. Trying to get my breathing under control, I went for the sleepiest voice I could manage. I still sounded tense, it would do though.

"Mm? Yeah I'll be up in a few minutes."

"Alright, hurry." I heard her receding footsteps down the hall, but my stance didn't relax. Nervously, I started scratching my arms, the monotone nature of it helping to calm me down. Thank god none of my scars were very recent, or else I might've accidentally opened one up. That was always incredibly bloody, and I didn't have any time to spare this morning to clean up a mess.

I could still refuse to go, a small part of me whispered. I crushed it immediately. If I suddenly cancelled this summer holiday my parents would ask questions, and I wouldn't have a way to answer them. 'Sorry, I've just been self-harming for 2 years, and I have anxiety disorder, which means that this trip makes me have panic attacks. Why didn't I mention this before? Oh, you know, reasons. You think I'm just doing it or attention? Alright, cool, I'll just get in the coach. See ya'. That wasn't happening.

"Aubrey!" Checking the clock on the wall, I saw it had already been ten minutes. I felt lightheaded. The scratching increased. "If you don't get up you're not going to make it!" Mum's shouts became louder, although her tone was still soft. I needed to snap out of this. Quickly jumping off the wall, I scurried into the toilet, hoping no one would see me. Once there, I splashed water on my face, trying to get my breath under control.

I was still jumpy, and my hands shaking, but it would do. With this impending doom over me, I'd never calm down to normal levels of stress. I was spending 15 days away from my home. With strangers. There was no way I could relax.

"Aubrey, mummy says you need to go downstairs." Mum had sent up Faun, who was bouncing excitedly. "This is gonna be so much fun!" Forcing a smile onto my features for her benefit, I nodded, scooping her up into my arms.

"Definitely! Summer camp! Summer camp!" I started the chant, Faun joining me straight away. We pumped our fists into the air as we thundered down the stairs. I was glad that she was distracted, which meant I could let my smile drop. I was sure fear was clouding my features. Mum greeted us at the bottom of the stairs with pancakes, nervously flitting around us.

"Do you have your bags packed?"

"Yeah." I had to force my face to smoothen out. My voice sounded panicked even to my own ears, but mum was edgy too so maybe she'd just chalk it up to this being a healthy, normal amount of nerves. Instead of stress that had fallowed me for months now.

"Toothbrush? Hairbrush? Deodorant?"

"I've got everything mum, relax." That was rich, coming from me.

"Alright, the bus will be here in 5 minutes so eat up. Come on, come on!" With that she left, muttering about Gabe needing to be fed. Our house was always in chaos. I liked to think that that's where my anxiety had initially come from – being unable to control anything. After all, going into unknown situations that I wouldn't be able to control was my biggest problem. Hence why this trip was such a big deal. I had no idea what was happening, only that I'd be one of the leaders for little kids.

Hurrying into the kitchen, I stuffed pancakes down my throat, even though I felt like I was just going to throw them up. A honk from outside sent me jumping into the air, the pancake stabbed on my fork flying across the room. Growling in frustration – but also to hide my whimper in fear – I grabbed it off the floor. Then I ran out of the kitchen, straight to the front door. I knew that if I postponed this any longer I'd end up chickening out.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Oh god this wasn't going to work out this was going to be a disaster I was going to die. Immediately all the things that I'd been pondering could go wrong flooded my brain. All the other leaders might hate me. All the kids might hate me. I could drown. One of the kids could drown, or die some other way, or get lost. The activities might be too difficult for my weak physique and everyone could laugh. I might get roomed with an annoying girl. Or a girl that finds me annoying. If we had communal bathrooms I might not be able to cut. Oh god oh god oh god.

"Come on sissy." Evelyn grabbed my hand, dragging me from where I'd been frozen on the porch, staring at the bright yellow school bus. The 5 of them (Ben, Caleb, Darien, Evelyn and Faun were coming to this trip. Gabe was too young to) smiled at me. I weakly pulled the corners of my lips up in response. It wasn't really a smile, more like an upside down grimace. All the awful things that could occur this summer kept thundering in my head. We got on the coach and got signed in, but I was still focusing too much on my thoughts to realise. Evelyn took me to an empty seat, so that I could sit with her and we could have 'the greatest trip ever!'. I didn't know if I was even capable of talking. It was a good thing the littles were too young to be able to see past my stoic façade. Mum would've been able to.

"Alright guys, are you ready for the best summer of your lives!" A guy around my age, with blond hair that spread in every direction chaotically, stood up. He was answered with an uproar of cheers from the kids. I could swear I heard an 'oh my god fuck this shit' from another leader in front of me. The boy continued to smile his radiant grin, illuminating the whole bus. "Well then how about we get this party started? Who knows the wheels on the bus go round and round?" There was no way he could be this enthusiastic about a kid's song, but his eyes continued to shine.

All the kid's hands rose up, and so the worst 4 hours of my life began. All the while, I stared at the boy, who was still standing up even though I was pretty sure that was illegal on a moving bus. He was so confident. If anyone had told me to get up in the middle of the aisle and start singing songs I would've freaked out, and, shaking my head vehemently, have run straight out of the bus.

After a while, I lost interest in him too, sinking back into my seat. Sticking my headphones in my ears, I tried to drown out the screaming children around me. All I could hear in my head were his words 'are you ready for the best summer of your lives!".

Yeah, right. No way in hell.

Hi :)

Nothing exciting really happened in this chapter, sorry about that, but it'll start picking up in a couple of chapters :) This was just to introduce everyone. Also, I thought I'd clarify who everyone is. So you've got Petal and Gray who are their parents, and then the siblings, and their ages, are as follows:

Aubrey - 17

Ben - 9

Caleb - 7

Darien - 6

Evelyn - 5

Faun - 4

Gabe - 2

So they've decided to continue the whole alphabet thing, which should hopefully make remembering that names a bit easier. Hopefully.

Anyway, thanks for all your reviews, it's so overwhelming to get so many on the first chapter, so that's awesome, thanks so much :)

Bye bye xx