"Guess who's coming to Austen Manor."

"Yet another pathetic Elizabeth Bennet wannabe," replied Draco in a bored voice, remaining in his lounging position on the sofa even though he knew his mother disapproved of such slovenly behavior.

"Hermione Granger."

"Granger?" exclaimed Draco, sitting up in shock. "Granger's coming here?"

Narcissa nodded. "Tomorrow. Although it's of no real consequence to us. I thought with being a war hero that Miss Granger might have some money, but it turns out she's quite poor. Been living as a Muggle working in a dusty, old bookshop. If you were to become attached to her, it would help our reputation, but what good is a reputation without money? We'd be better off with a girl who has money and then we could just buy our reputation."

"Why would Granger come here?"

"Apparently she's one of those pathetic Elizabeth Bennet wannabes you previously mentioned."

"But after what happened," sputtered Draco, unconsciously looking at the spot on the rug in the parlor where he last remembered seeing her, "why would she want to come here of all places?"

"She seems to be ignorant of the fact that Austen Manor and Malfoy Manor are one and the same."

"And you didn't think to inform her of that fact?"

Narcissa shrugged dismissively. "The war is over. I'm not turning away good Galleons over some trifling amount of awkwardness you might experience."

"I would hardly call my potential demise at the hands of a vengeful witch a trifling bit of awkwardness," muttered Draco.

"You are being overly dramatic."

"She hates me."

"Then you will have to charm her. Are you Mr. Darcy, or aren't you?"

"I am Mr. Darcy, but only because you're making me," grumbled Draco.

"Well, then you should be thanking me. Miss Granger may hate Draco Malfoy, but she loves Mr. Darcy. Use it to your advantage. Just be careful not to fall in love with her."

"Like that would ever happen," scoffed Draco.

"Speaking of love, Miss Parkinson is coming back. Perhaps, you could actually try this time to make a connection with her."

"Mother, how many times do I have to tell you? Pansy and I are just friends. And I use that term loosely. There is absolutely no way I could ever make a connection with her, let alone marry her," said Draco, making a face.

"Fine. There are two other young women who may be possibilities. Please just try to keep an open mind. And behave yourself."

"I don't see why I have to be thinking about marriage right now," grumbled Draco. "I'm in the prime of my life."

"Because your life isn't going to be very prime without any money."

"Don't give me that," said Draco, looking at his mother knowingly. "I happen to know that we make quite a bit of money with this racket we have going here."

"Do you think I enjoy living in a Jane Austen amusement park?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

Narcissa shrugged indifferently. "Perhaps, but I guess the more important question is, do you?"

…...

True to her word, Ginny arranged everything. All Hermione had to do was empty her Gringotts account. Priceless experiences apparently did come with a price. A big one. When the Portkey arrived the following week, she was pleased to see that it was a beautiful cameo necklace. Its Regency accuracy gave Hermione high hopes for her trip to Austen Manor. However, when she touched the necklace to begin her life-changing journey, she found herself landing not so gracefully in a small room that was rather sparsely furnished. The room was tastefully decorated in the Regency style, but there was nothing very special about it. She might as well have been in her own tiny living room at home.

The disappointment on her face must have been showing because the other woman who suddenly tumbled into the room said, "Don't worry. This is just the stopping point where we get our instructions. They'll take us up to the big house after we're dressed in proper attire."

"Lavender?" said Hermione in surprise.

"Hello, Hermione. Ginny told me you would be here. So, you're an Austen fan, too, huh?"

Hermione nodded.

"You're going to love it here. It's just like being in one of her books. So, which package did you go with?"

"Copper."

"Ooh," said Lavender, making a face. "That's too bad. As they would say in Regency times, the copper package sucketh. I found that out the first time around. That's why I'm back. You should have at least sprung for the silver package."

"What's wrong with the copper package?" asked Hermione, getting worried.

"For one, I hope you enjoy walking."

"I don't mind walking."

"Good. Because you are going to be doing a lot of it."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad. The fresh air will do me good."

"And don't count on having any fancy dresses," said Lavender. "With the copper package, the clothing is all rather plain and simple. Some of it is downright ugly."

"I'm not really that into clothes anyway."

"Yes, I remember," said Lavender, giving her the once over. "Well, I hope you're not that into choosing your character either. When I had the copper package, I got stuck being Charlotte Lucas. And I can assure you that the guy playing Mr. Collins is even worse than the character is portrayed in the book. I actually fell asleep at the dinner table one evening because the dinner conversation was so bad."

Hermione looked crestfallen. "You mean, I spent all of that money, and I'm not even Elizabeth?"

Lavender snorted. "Not a chance. Elizabeth is strictly platinum package. But don't worry. Even if you do get stuck with Mr. Collins, all of the servants are hot. And you still get to interact with the other characters. You just don't get the scripted romance. If we're lucky, whoever is playing Elizabeth will be some really homely witch, so we still get lots of attention from the men."

"Is there anything else I should know?"

"Yeah. Lady Catherine is a bitch. And Mr. Darcy–"

Lavender was cut off by the arrival of a haughty-looking woman dressed full-out in the height of Regency fashion. Hermione could only assume that it must be Lady Catherine. The woman was older but still very beautiful. Her snowy white hair was carefully arranged on top of her head, and she held herself with a grace and regalness that commanded attention. Hermione had a funny feeling that she had met this woman before, but she couldn't imagine where.

The woman sat down at a table and motioned for Hermione and Lavender to join her. She rang a little bell, and a servant immediately came in carrying a tea tray.

After the servant left, she asked, "Would you care for strong or weak tea?"

"Weak tea, please," replied Hermione politely. However, at the condescending look of her hostess, she quick changed her mind, not wanting her choice to inadvertently become a reflection on her character. "I'm sorry. What I meant to say was strong tea. Please."

Her hostess arched one eyebrow. "If you say so, my dear," she said, pouring the tea into the delicate teacup before her.

"Sugar?"

"No, thank you."

"Milk?"

"No, thank you?" said Hermione with so little commitment that it might as well have come out a question. After all, it was hardly tea without milk. However, seeing the smirk forming on the woman's face, she repeated her answer with more conviction.

Much to Hermione's dismay, Lavender ordered her tea weak with two sugars and lots of milk.

"Welcome to Austen Manor. You may refer to me as Lady Catherine. I will be your hostess for the week. During your stay, you will get the full Austen experience. From the clothing and conversation to the food and activities, you will be immersed in the Regency period. There will be no modern day conveniences at all, except of course for the indoor plumbing. Please do not use the chamber pots," she said, giving Lavender a hard look and making her blush. "They are merely for decorative purposes. And as this is a Muggle experience, there will be no magic and no wands allowed. There is a lock box in your room for your convenience. I must warn you that if you are caught with a wand, you will be removed from the premises, and there will be no refunds," she said in a severe tone.

"As this is your first stay at Austen Manor, Miss Granger, you will need to read through this pamphlet I have prepared with a synopsis of the book as well as important information you will need to know about the Regency period. The experience is only as good as you are willing to make it. I trust you to study this with the utmost care."

"I can assure you that I am well versed in Miss Austen's works and have already done extensive research on the Regency era in preparation of my stay here," began Hermione enthusiastically. At the cold look Lady Catherine gave her, she added meekly, "But I will definitely be reading this pamphlet."

"Very well. I shall give you your assignments now. Miss, Brown, as you have been with us before, and I have become acquainted with your personality, I have decided that you shall be playing the part of Lydia Bennet."

"Ooh!" squealed Lavender in excitement. "I get to fuck Wickham!"

Lady Catherine cleared her throat, giving Lavender a disapproving look.

"What I meant to say was I get to elope with Wickham," said Lavender timidly, looking for Lady Catherine's approval. At Lady Catherine's approving nod, she enthusiastically added, "And doeth the nasty!"

Lady Catherine let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes, well, I think Lydia will do for you perfectly. Now, Miss Granger. You will be playing the part of Miss Kitty Bennet."

"Kitty?" said Hermione in surprise. "But Kitty is so silly and stupid. Perhaps I could–"

"Miss Granger," Lady Catherine interrupted, obviously losing her patience. "I think there are some things you should be made aware of. You paid for the copper package. The bare minimum level of Austen experience. If I were you, I should count myself lucky. is quite dashing. I am sure you will be very satisfied. However, if you insist, I would be happy to change your character to that of Charlotte Lucas instead. I have Mr. Collins on standby."

Out of the side of her eye, she saw Lavender shake her head vigorously. Hermione gritted her teeth and replied, "No, thank you. I am sure I will be quite happy as Kitty."

"I thought so," said Lady Catherine with a smirk.

Hermione took a sip of her too strong tea and tried not to openly glare at her hostess.

"Here at Austen Manor, our purpose is not to recreate scenes from a beloved novel but to use it as inspiration to create our own stories. That is why we have so many repeat customers," she said, nodding her head at Lavender. "Every trip to Austen Manor is unique. But one thing is for certain: all of our heroines experience that one true love that only happens in an Austen story."

Lavender sighed dreamily and even Hermione couldn't help getting her hopes up a bit.

"However, please keep in mind that this is not a brothel. Much like Austen's books, the romance at Austen Manor is always chaste and never inappropriate."

Lavender nodded solemnly. However, when Lady Catherine turned away to summon a servant, Lavender looked over at Hermione and made a crude hand gesture that was not at all chaste, and Hermione had a hard time suppressing a giggle.

Lady Catherine looked down her nose at them. "I suppose we'd better get started to make you two presentable."

…...

After what seemed like hours of torture, Hermione was finally deemed presentable enough to meet Lady Catherine's standards of what a proper Regency era lady should look like. Hermione thought she would be more prepared for this since she had attended plenty of conventions over the years, but they were nothing like this. This was hardcore. Her corset, while not as torturous as the Victorian version, was still extremely uncomfortable. She couldn't even bend at the waist nor did she have full mobility of her arms. Even worse was her hair. It was pulled back so tautly in a coil at the back of her neck that her face was starting to go numb.

At first she had felt a little sorry for the woman who had been charged with doing her hair, as it was always so unruly and hard to manage. Of course, that was before the woman started viciously attacking her hair with a brush and hair pins. The hairdressing session was so intense that Hermione and her stylist both let out several swears that were more than likely not appropriate for the period. Hermione had not thought to study Regency swear words.

Looking at herself in the mirror, Hermione could hardly believe her eyes. She didn't look like herself at all. Her hair had never been so perfectly in place before. She hated it. The severe style didn't suit her at all. It was parted in the middle and was extremely unflattering. And her dress wasn't much better. It was brown and had a high, frilly neckline. She had never felt frumpier in her life. A lumpy Weasley jumper would look downright sexy next to this getup. The only thing positive that she could think to say about it was that it was definitely authentic Regency frumpiness. The most painful part of the whole experience, although finding out she had to go without knickers was a close second, was when she saw Lavender.

"Lavender, you look beautiful," said Hermione, trying not to sound too jealous.

"I do, don't I?" said Lavender, twirling around the room in her white muslin gown, her golden ringlets bouncing around her face merrily. "And you look–" Lavender stopped mid twirl when she finally caught sight of Hermione. "Oh, my God! You're hideous. What did they do to you?"

"Is it that bad?" asked Hermione, her hand going up to her hair self-consciously.

"Here. Take my bonnet. I can go without."

Hermione gratefully took the bonnet and put it on. "Any better?"

The face she made didn't give Hermione much confidence.

"It will have to do," Lavender whispered hurriedly, nodding her head at the door. "Her highness is coming."

Lady Catherine walked back into the room to give them both a quick once over before they left for the big house. "Yes, very nice," she said, appraising Lavender. Turning to Hermione, she added, "And you look... tolerable. Very well, let's go. And don't forget to put on your gloves. A lady never goes anywhere without her gloves."

They quickly put on their gloves, grabbed a parasol each and followed Lady Catherine outside to where a carriage was waiting for them. The driver assisted Lady Catherine into the carriage and then Lavender. When Hermione stepped forward to follow them, Lady Catherine stuck her head out of the window and said, "I'm sorry. This carriage only holds two passengers."

"Oh, okay," said Hermione, not sure what to do. "Should I wait here for the carriage to come back for me?"

"I'm afraid the carriage is needed at the house," she said in a fake apologetic voice. "You don't mind walking, do you?"

"But how will I find my way to Austen Manor?" Hermione asked, trying not to let her panic show in her voice.

"You may follow our tracks. But do make haste," said Lady Catherine, looking up at the sky. "It looks like rain."

Hermione watched the carriage drive off with a horrible sinking feeling in her stomach. What had she gotten herself into? So far this experience was nothing like she thought it would be. It was going to be really aggravating if it turned out that she'd spent all of her money just for Ginny to be right. Hoping things would get better once she arrived at Austen Manor, Hermione set off at a fast pace, determined to beat the impending rain. She wished she had thought to ask how far from Austen Manor they were. As of yet, it was nowhere in sight.

Trying not to feel discouraged, Hermione continued her trek along the dirt road following the seemingly endless tracks of the carriage. The wind soon picked up and a sudden gust blew Lavender's bonnet right off her head. It might have been romantic had it happened in a movie, but as there was no handsome gentleman there to catch it for her, it was just rather depressing watching it sail off into the distance. Her only consolation was that the wind soon freed her hair of its oppressive bonds. It probably looked a right mess blowing wildly around in the wind like that, but she felt much more like herself.

Her relief was short-lived though because at that moment, big, fat rain drops began falling from the sky. She fumbled around with her parasol and finally managed to get it open. However, as it was meant for sunny skies, it was of little use against the rain. And as soon as the wind caught a hold of it, the whole thing turned inside out, making it completely useless. As she let go of it in the wind to meet the same fate as Lavender's bonnet, she couldn't help thinking she had made the biggest mistake of her life. So far, the Regency period wasn't romantic at all. It was completely miserable.

Crap copper package.