When they arrived at Octavia and Lincoln's apartment, Lexa settled into her room. It was a fairly big apartment with three bedrooms and an extra bathroom connected to the master bedroom. The living room and the kitchen was an open floor plan and was decorated with furniture that was mostly white and grey, making everything seem bigger than it really was. Lexa thought that Lincoln could not have had anything to do with the decorating, knowing he would be happy living in a hole in the wall, with only a couch and a TV. She was impressed by Octavia's hold over her brother.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by it being opened slowly.
"Are you decent?" Octavia's voice sounded through the door crack.
"Yes, Octavia, you're safe," Lexa answered.
"Good," she opened the door fully, "Lincoln is making dinner, anything in particular you want?"
She took a minute to think before answering. "If I remember correctly, he makes a killer chicken parmesan. Any chance that's an option?" Lexa asked.
"Oh my god, I love you. That's my favourite, but he never bothers to make it. Now he'll have to though, thanks," Octavia answered and all but ran back to the kitchen.
Lexa chuckled slightly at Octavia, and stood up to get some clothes for a shower. She'd had a long flight, sitting in close proximity to a lot of sweaty people and was really looking forward to cleaning herself up.
When the water hit her body, she let out a deep breath. She could finally let herself feel and react to everything happening that day. If it was one thing she had learned at school it was to never let your feelings show. Had this been six years ago she wouldn't hesitate to talk to Lincoln. It wasn't though. She was no longer fifteen, and a lot had happened since then.
A lot had happened in the last 24 hours too. She had boarded a plane to England, met her brother and had seen her ex-girlfriend. As the water washed over her, so did her emotions. She was not going to cry though. She didn't do that. At least that's what she liked to tell herself. The water running down her face was definitely from the showerhead. All of it.
'You're crying, Lexa? You're weak, crying is weakness.'
She tried shaking the voices of her teachers out of her head, but it wasn't working very well.
"Fuck!" she yelled and drove her hand into the wall, a decision she quickly regretted when she felt the pain spread through her fingers. Her hand started clenching and unclenching while she took deep breaths. She was going to take one minute to acknowledge her feelings, no more. Her body relaxed and her mind wandered. First off all, she was angry. She was angry with her parents for sending her away so she had to come back this way. A stranger to her friends and family. She was sad for the friend that wasn't there to greet her, and she was confused. She was so confused because she thought she was over Clarke. Actually seeing her made Lexa realise that that might not be true.
She quickly decided that her minute was over and washed her hair and body, and stepped out of the shower to dry off.
When Lexa stepped out of the bathroom, the smell of chicken immediately hit her. Lincoln making chicken was a regular occurrence when they were younger and just smelling it felt like coming home.
"Hey slowpoke, dinner's ready," Lincoln yelled from the kitchen.
They all settled down around the dinner table and started piling food on their plates.
"So Linc, Octavia tells me you don't make this anymore? Why? You used to make it all the time," Lexa said.
"Yeah, but then you went away. You know this is our meal. It wasn't the same without you," Lincoln answered, taking a bite.
"Hm," Lexa nodded slowly in understanding, and took a bite of her own. "Oh my god. It's better than I remember."
"I've had a long time to perfect it," Lincoln simply said.
"So, are you guys excited for the wedding?" Lexa asked, well into her second plate.
"Oh my god, yes. I've always loved planning parties, but a wedding is a thousand times better!" Octavia exclaimed.
"Yeah, it's going to be pretty cool. I would've been happy just signing papers, but O wanted the whole package, and what she wants she usually gets," Lincoln said.
"He is so weak for me."
Lexa laughed when Lincoln didn't even deny it. "How many people did you invite?" she asked.
"150-ish," Octavia answered.
"What? How the fuck did you get 150 people on your list?"
"Well, you guys have a huge ass family, and I have a lot of friends. Plus, Lincoln wanted to invite all his former teammates."
"You didn't invite the whole family, did you?" Lexa raised her eyebrows at Lincoln.
"Not everyone. I drew the line at Aunt Nina," Lincoln assured her.
Aunt Nina was Woods family's vodka aunt, and not the fun kind. She was rude and offensive, and had a real knack for saying the wrong thing. When Lincoln and Lexa were kids they had vowed to never invite her to anything as long as they were in charge.
"What about you Octavia? Is there anyone other than your brother? What was his name again? B something?"
"Bellamy, and no, it's just us. He's also bringing his girlfriend, Echo." Octavia answered.
"Echo? As in Echo Veida?" Lexa raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Yeah. They've only been dating a few months but it seems pretty serious," Lincoln nodded.
"Small world," Lexa said quietly.
They finished their meal in a comfortable silence after that, and everyone helped clear the table when they finished. Lincoln offered to do the dishes while the girls got a glass of wine and watched TV. In that moment, Lexa felt surprisingly good about being back. Lincoln was happy, he was marrying the girl of his dreams and Lexa got to be a part of that. He also inevitably broke her nice moment when he finished in the kitchen.
"So, I know it's been a lot to deal with today, but I also know you'd probably want to get this over with quickly. I have Costia's letter for you, if you want it," Lincoln rubbed his hands together nervously.
Lexa took a deep breath before nodding quickly, "yeah, that would be good."
He disappeared into their bedroom for a moment before returning with an envelope. "No one has opened it, in case you were wondering," he said, handing it to Lexa.
"Thank you," she said, reaching for the paper. "I think I'll just read it in my room. Thank you for the dinner and the wine, excuse me," Lexa gave her brother a small smile and pushed past him.
"Think she'll be okay?" Octavia asked.
"I hope so. If not, I hope she tells us. She likes to think she's able to handle everything alone, but everybody needs someone," Lincoln answered, looking at the door his sister had disappeared behind.
Lexa sat down on the bed and looked at the envelope. Her name was written in Costia's elegant handwriting on the front. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her shaking hands. She opened the envelope and took out the neatly folded paper inside.
To my dear Lexa.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry for not protecting you when you needed me to.
I'm sorry for letting you go and giving up.
I'm sorry for not reaching out to you.
I am so sorry for all these things, but most of all I'm sorry for leaving this way. We've always known there was a big chance this would happen. Now it's here and I've made peace with it. I hope you will too.
Knowing you, you've probably come up with a thousand possible reasons why I finally made it to the edge. It's actually really simple. This world is not for me. There are so many awful things here. War, hunger, hate, evil. I can't take it. It's tearing me down, and when you left I think you took the piece holding me back with you. It wasn't your fault, though, please don't think that. I wish things were easier. I wish I had your strength. Don't lose that please.
You reading this means you made it back to London. I'm glad. I'm sorry I'm not there to greet you. We could've gotten the band back together. You, Clarke, Lincoln and me. That would've been something, wouldn't it? Maybe you could get together and play one last song for me? At least talk to Clarke again. I know that's a lot to ask, but you guys are meant to be in each other's lives. If not as lovers, then at least as friends. I don't know how long it's been, you're both probably different people now, but I have a feeling that doesn't matter. Get to know each other again. Maybe you'll get that spark back.
I would like for you to visit my parents while you're here, I left something for you. Now this is starting to feel an awful lot like a scavenger hunt. I know how much you love those, but I swear that was not the intention. It's just a box of things I would like you to have. Please don't forget to remember me.
Don't lose yourself Lexa.
You will always be my best friend. I love you.
May we meet again,
Costia.
Lexa finished the letter with a sigh. The tears had been falling rapidly from the first word she read, and they now stained the paper in front of her. There were so many thoughts and emotions going through her and she didn't quite know what to do.
A part of Lexa had always felt that this was somehow her fault, and even though Costia had said it wasn't, she couldn't help but hold on to that feeling. She always knew she was a big reason for Costia holding on as long as she did. Even though Lexa and Clarke were dating, she and Costia had always had a special bond. Costia always used to say they were platonic soulmates.
"Oh, Cos," Lexa sobbed. She tried rubbing the tears quickly from her face but new ones replaced them just as fast. She tried to hold them back but occasionally the sobs would escape her body. She hadn't cried like this since Lincoln told her of Costia's passing. No one was surprised by the news seeing as Costia had been sick for a long time. They had had many long conversations about Costia's thoughts and illness, and Lexa felt a tiny bit of relief for her friend, which also made her feel like a horrible person. She missed her like crazy and wished desperately to talk to her again, but liked to think her friend was in a better place.
She started reading the letter over again but was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Hey Lex, you okay?" Lincoln asked through the door.
Lexa took a deep breath before answering, voice cracking, "yeah, I'm good."
"Do you need anything?"
"No, I was just about to go to bed," she answered.
There was a long pause and Lexa thought he had left, but suddenly she heard a soft "goodnight."
"Night, Linc. Say goodnight to Octavia for me."
"Will do," and with that he left.
When Lexa didn't hear anything else she put the letter down and changed into a shirt to sleep in. She laid down on the bed and read it a few more times before falling asleep, paper clutched in her hand and childhood memories playing in her head.
