Umineko No Naku Koro Ni Episode 1: Parody Edition
This is a parody of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni made by a fan. Property of 07th Expansion so all copyright and ownership belongs to them. Also this parody is designed for those who've read all eight games of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni (Legend-Twilight) whether the original visual novel or the manga or both so beware of spoilers! Thank you.
Chapter 2 Coming Up Roses
… Ryukishi this is #UCKED UP! Why am I still narrating?! I'm bored out of my mind, my throat is getting tired, and there's a fat man in a tuxedo waiting to greet us once we dock.
"Bonjour Milady. You were, as you would say, running late and I was beginning to worry." He spoke in a pompous, prideful manner.
"Ah, no worries my man! This moron here slowed us down a bit by being a scaredy-cat. It was annoying-ze." Jessica finished her line with a verbal tic that I've begun to notice.
"S, shut up… just wait till we see who's slow and steady pace actually helps them out in the long run…" I retort rather pathetically even for me.
Dammit, why does the Ushiromiya head house have to live on this isolated island? Why couldn't they live in Kyoto or the West or the ACTUAL Kanto region with pokemon and stuff! No, we have to settle for this island in the middle of nowhere, way too far from any amusement parks or grocery stores, and we don't even have our own flag or something. Eh I suppose complaining won't get me anywhere so I might as well keep going. Everyone got down from the boat as the strange faux-french servant attended to their every needs.
"You must all be Tellement fatigué. Here, let me get that for you Madame." He spoke to Eva.
"Oh I was just going to make Rudolf carry it but I suppose if you insist.~" Eva chuckled playfully.
"Oy… don't listen to her Gohda… she's just playing her usual games and up to her usual unladylike antics." My old man sighed.
"Battler-kun, isn't this your first time meeting Gohda-San? He wasn't working here six years ago." Kyrie spoke to me as she seemed to pat Rudolf on the back.
"Yes so please allow me the dignity to introduce myself to Monsieur Battler. It is, how do you say, an honor to meet you at last Battler-Sama." Gohda took the moment quite gleefully.
"... Geez you're one letter away from being named after a cheese." It was all I could think of saying.
"..." Gohda looked insecure and even a bit hurt by my comment.
It wasn't the kind of hurt though that seemed saddened, but rather that he had his pride damaged and wasn't happy about it. Kyrie gave me a slightly disappointed expression and Rudolf walked over to me.
"Eh brat. You should be a bit more respectable than that eh? You never know if you'll someday be the family head and have to greet people with more class than the rough language you've been using so far." Rudolf said.
Rosa and Eva both turned to Rudolf as he said this. Eva looked peeved at Rudolf's implication of me ever becoming the family head while Rosa looked a bit concerned as though she had been hoping this conversation topic wouldn't pop up. I wasn't sure what to make of it since I hadn't been here in a long time. I did know that the Ushiromiya family head was a big deal like… LOTTERY big deal but I didn't think it would have this kind of effect. Still I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot with a new servant so I apologized. Gohda mentioned how he had been working here since the year before last. The other family members immediately started to rely on him and the tension from Rudolf's mention of the headship evaporated in an instant. Gohda definitely seemed refined and professional for such a hulking man. What you saw was clearly not what you got… except maybe in the bedroom. Ihihihi~ Ah… n-not that I'm into that! I'm just trying to stave off my narrating boredom by making jokes! The captain waved good-bye as soon as we began to make our way to the heart of the island and Maria waved back cutely.
"...Hmm, now that I think about it, that must be why I've felt something out of place for a while now. I can't hear the cry of the eagles." I said.
"Seagulls Battler-kun." Jessica corrected me with a pout.
"Err… sorry Jessica-chan. They always sound the same on this island."
"Umineko huh? That's the name of this series. Surely this can't be some ironic twist…" George jumped in with an insight of his own.
I remember fondly that the seagulls would cry 'Faris~ nyaa nyaa' or something like that whenever I came to Rokkenjima and it made me feel like I was going to need ear-plugs. Rokkenjima has a lot of uncultivated nature that's perfect for birds but today there was none.
"Something wrong, Battler-kun?" Rosa oba-san was naturally the first one to notice my puzzlement.
"Oh Aunt Rosa… it's nothing really, I was just sayin' it's kind of lonely without the seagulls cries." I reply cheerfully.
"My, now that you say so. It's true. They're usually so lively but there isn't one to be seen." It's lonely."
"That's literally what I just said Rosa…"
"...Gomenasai." Rosa looked a bit sheepish at repeating my thoughts without adding anything I didn't know.
"Uu-.. why?" Maria spoke in what seemed like a long while since her 'ominous' kick.
"Hmm, maybe it's because the seagulls are having a gathering somewhere too? … Or trying to avoid any explosions…? Or… oh! I bet it's the typhoon that's coming in. It's scaring them away to stay into their nests for the night." Rosa went off some rather imaginative ideas before coming to the final conclusion.
"Oh… I was going to suggest Jessica made aaall of 'em into yakitori and ate 'em." I grinned.
"Don't you effin' dare!" Jessica growled when she realized I was speaking this in front of Maria.
"Uu-uu-uu! Jessica-chan made them into yakitori, made them into yakitori! Uu-!" Maria bought my trap perfectly and I delighted in seeing Jessica's flustered reaction.
"George-kun… help me out here-ze." Jessica looked defeated.
"It's like Rosa Oba-san said Jessica-chan. They probably set off for someplace away from the typhoon." George said.
For some reason I imagine the seagulls have the right idea. Even I'm antsy about being on an island in the middle of a bad storm. I hope the island doesn't shake…
"... Yeah, sorry Maria-chan… your mother and George-Aniki are right. It's just today the seagulls are resting in their nests." I apologize to Maria since the joke's run off long enough.
"Uu-... Battler was wrong... " Maria seemed downhearted.
Geez, I didn't think she would believe it that strongly… I look to Rosa for her input and she simply put her hands on her hips and added,
"Yeah… Battler-kun please be more considerate of Maria's mindset. She's still learning new things and so she's very naive."
"I bet teaching her about the birds and the bees would be very interesting in that case eh Rosa nee-san?~" Eva saw her chance to make another playful if snide remark at Rosa.
"... Mother." Even George seemed a bit bothered by Eva's passive aggressiveness in such a scenario and talked to her firmly.
"Nn… sorry Georgie... " Eva apologized rather sincerely.
It seemed Eva definitely didn't want to hurt her son's feelings which was admirable and Rosa looked happy that George came to her aid this time. Maria though looked to Eva very curiously. Naturally when a little girl would hear about the 'birds and the bees' they would instinctively think of animals but realize quickly that it's meant in a different light.
"Uu-... birds and the bees…?" She inquired.
"... Yeah, remember that birds and bees fly?" Rosa awkwardly tried to give a false answer.
"Uu! Like seagulls! Fly, fly! Fall, fall! Battler Onii-chan! Fall! Uu! Uu!" Maria luckily jumped on Rosa's answers and gleefully giggled.
"Grrr… I hope they forget about this by lunch…" I mutter to myself.
Luckily they instead talked about George's uncanny ability at taking care of children though Eva insisted working at Hideyoshi's company was just as rewarding as child-care could possibly be. Rosa also said I was pretty good at taking care of children but to be more careful with my jokes. I appreciated her sweetness though I could do without the wink and giggle she gave me… The old bastard called out to us who were still on the beach to hurry up and reluctantly, in my case anyway, we headed after them. Gohda-san began to lead us while Kumasawa-san brought up the rear. Climbing up a flight of stairs, followed by a twisting uphill path through the forest, geez this would be a fun place to get some exercise or go for a jog. Before long, we saw garden-style stone steps. That could only mean one thing… time to show off the Ushiromiya family's swag.
"Mmhmm check out those flowers rocking it to the 6th power. Looking all fine and gorgeous!~" I exclaimed gleefully.
"Aaah~! It's as beautiful as ever this year." Hideyoshi chimed in.
"The flowers don't seem quite as lovely as they were last year. Perhaps because the summer wasn't warm enough…? Or maybe the head family is so depressing they blocked out the sun?" Eva asked coyly.
"It's more than likely the first part. When one compares it to the grandeur and je ne sais quoi of last years it's a bit inferior." Gohda said.
"Ok, can we just agree though that this rose garden is showing Ushiromiya realness right about now?" I asked, feeling jealous that I missed this supposedly superior blooming of last year.
Still, every year I came to Rokkenjima this garden of roses would always show their sexy faces to us and always make us feel the need to praise their beauty. It even looked like a 'powered-up' version of the rose garden from six years ago. Perhaps it sensed my return and wanted to show to me in a sense it had matured just as much as I have.
"I have to agree with Battler-kun, it must be a joy to have a rose garden like this outside your very own home." Even serious Kyrie was admiring it's beauty.
"Who the hell would take care of it? They have pests, diseases, and are a real pain to maintain." Rudolf was being a sour puss though.
"Obviously the servants." Eva said as a matter-of-factly though it was again kind of rude or her to say in the presence of said servants.
"Doesn't Kyrie Nee-San keep her 'rose' growing nicely? Making sure it doesn't lose a single length on it's 'thorns', keeps having a pleasant aroma, while also ensuring bugs don't bother it?" Rosa seemed to be teasing playfully.
"In this person's case, the rose goes after the insects like a nasty carnivorous plant… and could afford to be a bit more thorny once in awhile." Kyrie replied.
"... Oh… that's what you mean. C'mon, Rosa, you can give it a rest with the flower allusions, I know you are talking about me. I've put it behind me." Rudolf grumbled.
"But you, you, you are, you, you, you are, a womanizer on an almost genetic level…!" Rosa looked a bit haughty, perhaps feeling a bit proud of herself for getting a one-up on her older sibling.
"When a man-"
"Uu… this rose is sick…" Maria's innocent voice interrupted the redundant and increasingly controversial adult conversation.
It appeared while everyone was attempting to read each other to filth through rose metaphors, Maria and the other cousins, including me, were examining the different parts of the rose garden. Maria stopped however to gaze at one rose that looked unusually withered and even dead, a spot of darkness upon a radiant garden. Naturally we had figured out Maria's tendency to get fixated things and tried thinking of ways to get around this. We don't want to spend a whole chapter having to listen to Maria talk about the same thing over and over again after all.
"A-ah… Maria-chan, don't you think the elegance of the rose's scent per~fectly matches me?" I asked her with an exaggerated gesture.
"Sick. Rose. Uu." Maria wasn't buying it.
"So you feel sad for this rose because it's the only one that isn't healthy…?" George asked patiently.
"... Uu-. The others are all healthy but this one's the only one that's sad. Like the other roses told it to 'take a hike' or prevented it from being just as happy as they were… uu-..."
"Well you always get a few that wither. I bet it bloomed earlier than all the other roses and was showing off proudly before it lost its splendor-ze." Jessica offered an elaborate possibility on why that was.
Unfortunately Maria still seemed to be feeling very bad for the withered rose. Despite our sound logic, she was clearly more emotional than reasonable.
"I know Maria-chan. You can be Dr. Maria. Take this and mark Mr. Rose so that you can come to it whenever you'd like during this conference and help it with water." George said, taking out a candy wrapper and tying it gracefully around the withered rose like a birthday present.
'YAY! Dr. Maria, Dr. Maria! Uu!" Maria's mood was instantly brightened up and she jumped up and down gleefully.
"You should name the rose so that you and him can establish a social link."
".. Name… name… uu! I know! Beatrice!" Maria cheered gleefully.
There was an unusually dark and cold silence afterward, Jessica namely looked quite spooked by what Maria had just said. George-Aniki and I weren't quite as spooked, simply just confused and it wasn't like Maria had done anything out of the ordinary by naming it. So this strange silence seemed pointless, given Maria was now much happier than she had been earlier. I was tempted to ask Jessica about it but I decided we would probably get more time to discuss this later so I offered a joke,
"Beatrice is a girl's name."
"Uu… it could be a crossdresser." Maria suggested which only proceeded to make me, George, and Jessica widen our eyes.
"Crossdressing…?! Oh… wait Rosa Oba-San runs a design company doesn't she…? I guess knowing something like that at a tender young age was unavoidable." I figured out that Maria probably witnessed drag queens or people who liked crossdressing ordering some of her mother's fashions.
Luckily this was enough to break the awkward silence caused by the mention of 'Beatrice' the name and the adults conversation slowly began to dominate our ears.
"Eva, you gotta think positive, think positive, think positive! No matter how it may have looked in the past, right now it's beauty is simply out of this world!" Hideyoshi seemed to be trying to ease Eva into the rose garden of the present.
"I know… but Nii-San simply ruined it with his slightly bad taste. I mean was he trying to emmaluate the Queen of Hearts or something with all these roses…? Or maybe he was trying to kiss up to Rosa Nee-San? … I just wish you could've seen it the way it was before dear.~" Eva seemed to lose some of her will to be snide as she admitted to Hideyoshi why she was complaining about the garden.
"I highly doubt that." Rosa groaned with her hands on her hips after Eva had once again thrown her under the bus.
"Excuse me madamoiselles and monsieurs, the time has arrived for moi to escort you all to the, how we say, guesthouse?" Gohda said.
"Why does he say 'how do you say' before words he clearly knows how to say?" Rudolf asked Kumasawa.
"Ohohoho… it's a bit of him trying to show off his pride and cultural experience. Unfortunately he's still very much a recently hired servant and untrusted by Kinzo compared to some of the other servants. I wish I could help him in some way but I can only-
"Yeah… don't care anymore. Hey, who's that?" Rudolf rudely dismissed Kumasawa's explanation to point towards a new face heading towards us.
"My...! OIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Kanon-kun! It's been so long! How you doing?!" Hideyoshi practically exploded with joy as he seemed to recognize who it was.
A goth looking boy stood at attention, a dwarf compared to Gohda though desirable compared to Gohda as well… Ah, as a woman of course! He totally seems like the kind of guy girls would fawn all over in an anime. Ihihihi~ He was transporting gardening tools and the like in a wheelbarrow. Once he heard Hideyoshi's blowhorn of a voice, he set down the wheelbarrow, took off his hat, and bowed his head. The Black Butler is in the house and he was younger than me.
"... Good afternoon." He spoke in a hesitant and rough demeanor that suggested him being unsociable.
"Battler-Sama, I shall introduce. He is one of the the servants who serve the Ushiromiya Head House." Gohda stepped in to speak for him.
"... I'm pleased to meet you…. I am the furniture… Kanon… wait I meant servant… gomenasai…" Kanon gave a very awkward introduction.
Maybe he's emo too now that I think about it… still it can hardly be blamed he'd be inexperienced due to how young he clearly is.
"You can give a better introduction than that Kanon-san." Gohda said with a hint of frustration.
"... Furniture aren't meant to introduce themselves." Kanon replied with a sigh.
"How can you be furniture when I can't even sit on you?" Gohda asked with a grumble.
"... It has a different meaning than that."
By now me and the rest of the family and group were watching them with confusion… well except Eva who was clearly planning on using this unprofessional exchange for a later taunt towards the head house. It seemed as though it wasn't out of spite that Kanon was acting like a stuck-up snob but rather that he simply didn't know how to converse like a normal human being.
"Ah, uh… l-like Kanon-kun's shy and sweet uh I mean just uh… shy. He's the kind that doesn't talk or kiss much… I mean uh… talk. Deep down inside though he's really a good, good, GOOD! person. H-he's been working for three long years… a year longer and harder than Gohda-san right Kanon-kun?" Jessica attempted to explain for Kanon but seemed unusually flustered the whole way through it.
"I recognize that sort of behavior anywhere." Kyrie-san whispered to me with a wink.
It seemed she could tell Jessica's quick defense and flustered demeanor hinted that Jessica might be feeling something more than friendship towards Kanon. To be honest it seemed off that outgoing Jessica would fall for someone who apparently called himself a sofa all the time but giving that we had just met Kanon, there was plenty more to learn about him. I simply smiled and nodded to Kyrie, deciding it was time to introduce Kanon to the big man of the island.
"Ahoy! I'm Battler! I'm 18 years old, what's your age?" I asked him.
"..." A silence, as if appraising whether it was a question that must be answered or not.
Though given we had an awkward silence like this just a few moments ago when Maria named 'Mr. Rose' Beatrice, I could also tell there was something special about this silence. What it was however was impossible to determine. For better or for worse, Jessica plowed on ahead as if she was on a road roller.
"Um, uh…! If I remember correctly, he's two years longer than us so… sweet sixteen right-ze?"
"... Yes. … That is correct." What a delicate flower of manhood…
"Heh he~ I'm glad to have someone around my age! Just be cool and call me Lord Battler! And I'll call you Lorde Kanon!" I teased cheerfully.
"...Thank you very much. But just the sentiment and the reference is sufficient enough… Battler-sama." Kanon said.
"Can we move on already… sheesh~..." Eva seemed to be getting bored waiting with all the other adults who also seemed a little restless and eager to get to unpack.
"... Well then. I still have work to do. ... If you'll excuse me." Kanon seemed to have heard that and made to leave with the wheelbarrow after another perfunctory bow.
Just then, suddenly, the wheelbarrow wobbled and fell, scattering the load. A very klutzy display that wasn't really a defining character moment but rather a sign that the servants weren't exactly flawless.
"Clean it up fool!" Gohda whispered aggressively into his ear, feeling the shame of being related to Kanon.
Kanon wordlessly began to reload the wheelbarrow and was doing fine until he came across some sacks of fertilizer. These sacks were giving him notable trouble and made Jessica look sad upon seeing this climactic struggle. Damn you sacks! Jessica attempted to help lift up a shovel but Gohda assured he could do it and that he didn't want her to dirty her garments. Maria inquired about this but I knew the truth. I hate guys who make waitresses pick up their fallen forks, as well as guys who abuse women, make them pay all their expenses, and are just plain jerks. So I stepped in and lifted up the other fallen bags of fertilizer. Kanon-kun looked to me with the greatest surprise, not expecting such level of assistance from a guest.
"...B-Battler-sama… That's sufficient… I'll take care of everything, so…"
"Nonsense! I'm always at my best when I'm in a pinch. Otherwise I'm usually incompetent but I can work it when it counts. Heheheh!" I cheekily remarked in response to Kanon's attempt to take responsibility.
"Incompetent is right though… this is just barely a step in the right direction as a real man Battler-kun. Ah-hah-hah-ha! Later we're gonna bust you to Kanon-kun about how hilarious you were-ze!" Jessica chuckled.
For once I just let this barb from Jessica go and didn't object. What mattered most was that I had helped Kanon-kun regain some sort of positive feeling. Although it was annoying to hear Maria repeat 'Fallll, falllll' for the umpteenth time. Kanon begged for forgiveness and left, especially when Gohda gave him the stink eye. Surprisingly, Eva oba-san was the one to tell Gohda to go easy on Kanon-kun, saying he should be helping the younger servant. Gohda apologized as earnestly as he could with Hideyoshi adding in that Kanon-kun had a lot of things he was probably good at. Like looking like a cosplayer… or making striped socks look fashionable. Either way, after some spirited jokes from Kumasawa, our moods improved and we finally made the migration over to the guesthouse. A trim, elegantly simple… hey!
And because Battler-kun is a whinybutt of a narrator, it's time to go third person. Kanon-kun watched 'over the hedge' as the guests all entered the guesthouse. Then he turned to the sacks of fertilizer lying upon the wheelbarrow, as though they were the only thing he could relate to. He was lambasting himself for not displaying the same easygoing strength that Battler had demonstrated. It was extremely difficult for anyone reading the novel or manga for the first time to understand what sort of feelings had been stirred up in the young servant. But what you could tell was that unlike Elsa, there was something he couldn't let go. … Muttered words escaped his lips but in a tone so soft even he couldn't hear them.
"... I wish I could. …"
"I remember the rose garden, but… since when did we have a guesthouse?" I asked.
GEEZ, warn me next time you take charge of the narration and furthermore, are you serious?! I've been talking for the last several thousand words, take charge for once! Ugh… anyways, there was a gatepost thing that described this place as 'Toraian' or "Vistor's Retreat" but apparently everyone just called it the guesthouse. Naturally it was western-styled in architecture and seemed perfectly designed to match the rose garden.
"Correct! It was built the year before last. And after that, they made us sleep over here." George said.
"It's WAYYYYY more fun than the stuck-up mansion. I wish I lived here-ze!" Jessica spoke up.
"Uu-! Maria wants one too! And a My Little Pony! And a new bunny! And-!"
"Calm down Maria-chan… I do agree this guesthouse is gorgeous but I really, really, really, REALLY wouldn't want to live here." Rosa emphasized how she 'REALLY' didn't want to live here quite strongly.
"Why's that Rosa Oba-san?" I asked.
"... Well, it's isolated for one and I'd love to live somewhere where Maria could easily get to and from her friends houses or school." Rosa explained.
"Ahh!~ What a noble goal for your child Nee-San. There is a reason I moved out of here myself too which was to have George experience much more than just the woods and the mansion.~ This guesthouse isn't enough to make up for the experience and education the outside world gives though I must say the western style is the best style." Eva showed common ground with her younger sister.
"Hmm… that's a good point indeed. Though there's something really cool about having your own private island like this. It makes you feel loaded and like a king!~" I chuckle.
Gohda interrupted our conversation to direct me, my parents, and the rest of our relatives to our respective rooms in the guesthouse. George talked about how Eva and Hideyoshi were fretting over Western-style or Japanese-style for their houses and Jessica got into how her parents were frosty but aligned when it came to her grades. Every room in this guesthouse seemed to be two-person which would work great for mom and dad so they could 'enjoy themselves'. Ihihihi~
"Battler-kun… please don't fantasize about dirty stuff, especially involving me and your father." Kyrie read me like an open book.
"Something dirrrrrrrrrty? Of couuuuuuuuuurse not! Do please… enjoy your staaaaay~! Owowowowowowow… not againnnnnnn!" My teasing was unfortunately countered by Dad pulling on my ears again.
"Cut the crap. I'm getting a stomachache, and I'm not in the mood for this. You're the guest of honor this time around. You better be a good boy with Dad and Aniki and the rest of the family ok?! Because wisecracks don't go well with him. …. Jessica-chan, what's the head of our family's mood been lately?" Rudolf turned to Jessica.
"...Hmm… same as last year, I guess. … Considering they say he's got three months left , he's as stubborn, grumpy, crazy, witch-worshipping, and irritable as ever." Jessica's reply seemed a bit rehearsed for some odd reason though it did sound like Gramps alright.
"Meaning, this year he's in his usual bad mood. …. And as usual, the only one with the balls to take care of him is Genji-san?" Rosa asked.
"It seems that the Master will only open his heart to Genji-san… and certainly the strictest metaphorical version of that statement. Lately, us small people cannot even get an audience…" Kumasawa defined.
"Well no duh! Father only trusts those with the One-Winged Eagle on their clothes! Why would he allow you dwarves to discuss matters with him?!" Eva growled, perhaps annoyed that Kumasawa was suggesting that even his own children wouldn't be able to see them.
"... Eva! Settle down… do you know where Father is?" Hideyoshi put a stop to Eva's rampage though judging from Kumasawa's expression the damage was done.
"He's shut himself up in that study again, probably doing nothing but playing chess and drinking beer and practicing that black magic of his again-ze. Geez, when it stinks up the house is when it makes me wish he'd just drop dead already." Jessica complained.
"I don't think Natsuhi Nee-San would be happy to hear that coming from you though. She's all about Father and his health." Rudolf pointed out to Jessica.
"... I don't really care much about what my Mother thinks nowadays."
"But you have to admit Jessica-chan, he rebuilt the Ushiromiya Family from the ground up. We're indebted to him and we should give him proper gratitude. Not to mention your mother gave birth to you in this world and has done a lot to keep you housed, comfortable, and educated." George's soft statement got Jessica to utter a quick apology.
Something was beginning to tell me there was more to Dad's stomach ache than just a mere boat ride or a long trip. I had heard tales about our crazy Head of the Family being unbelievably violent to his children with fists and wooden swords, and being a hard-ass every way, shape, and form except for their names. It's going to keep spreading at this rate unless we can put an end to it. I have faint memories of him being able to freeze up the entire room with tension with his mere presence alone. Plus, if I'm the guest of honor, there's probably going to be extra pressure put upon me with today's visit. The other cousins began to go on about how he was very honest though usually favored the smarter people of the family and Jessica lambasted how her maidenly, pure ass was spanked with a wooden sword. It seemed as though all she wanted to do at this point was to hand the position of heiress to the Ushiromiya family to George-Aniki. Maria cutely offered to help hold her heavy load but Jessica dismissed it sweetly… ugh I can't take this narrating anymore… at least for this scene… basically we got into our rooms, George was acting suspicious, and me and Maria tickled him into mentioning Shannon before the next scene transition.
Thankfully you don't have to hear Battler cutting corners anymore so let's continue. Eventually it was finally lunch and most of the adults gathered in an elegant parlor at the main mansion to enjoy themselves. There was one new face that hadn't been seen before on the island and Hideyoshi was speaking to her,
"By the way Natsuhi Nee-San. How's your head?"
"... I have been much better lately. Thank you for your concern." A rather frail though beautiful-looking woman replied holding her head tenderly.
"Oh, right! Here. A present for your pity party Natsuhi Nee-San." Rosa pulled out something yet again that she had brought with her.
"...Thank you very much. I'm always receiving gifts from you. … Is this black tea?" The woman who was by now obviously Natsuhi smiled sincerely.
"It's herb tea with peppermint and lemon balm. It's a blend from a well-known store and is supposed to be good with depression… wait no I mean headaches. Gomenasai." Rosa apologized for her slip of the tongue.
"That reminds me, you were always saying you get those headaches. What are you doing? Banging your head against the wall or something?~ Is Aniki driving you up the wall that much?~ I think you need to pull it together or else Jessica-chan will suffer as a result of you sucking HARD as a mother who's supposed to be three years younger than me.~" Eva asked in a rather dubious tone.
"... I apologize. I was born this way." Natsuhi looked tense again and for good reason.
It was obvious there was no love lost six years ago between Eva and Natsuhi as Eva had just came for Natsuhi. Natsuhi was used to it by now but still had to remain somewhat proper and fair and thus pretended to ignore Eva.
"Come to think of it, exams time is rolling in isn't it? Rudolf-san, you should be dedicating yourself just as hard as Natsuhi Nee-San for Battler's sake." Kyrie sweetly tried to make Natsuhi feel more at ease.
"Uhh… say Hideyoshi nii-san, didn't George do really well on his exams? Maybe you could give me some advice to reign in that brat of mine." Rudolf attempted not to confront the main issue at hand.
"Basically I got him to figure out that studying is a way of saying 'learn how to learn'." Hideyoshi replied.
"... That's splendid. Unfortunately I don't think Jessica understands the full significance of that though. As of right now, she doesn't at all, but as the heiress of the proud and noble Ushiromiya family." Natsuhi said.
"Do you really have to make her the successor to the head? You could just give it to somebody who wants it more than she does. I mean women should be finding their own happiness in life.~" Eva challenged Natsuhi yet again.
"Hold your high horses Eva. Each family has its way to raise their children. You shouldn't be pushy." Hideyoshi pacified things best he could.
"Sorry bout it Natsuhi nee-san.~" Eva teased.
"..." Natsuhi's expression seemed to say 'I'm surprised you even use honorifics for me'.
"Still, this black tea is really lovely. Let's drink it at once. Leopold's tea from Ginza for the win!" Kyrie said, probably to keep everyone else from glaring at Eva for ruining the mood.
"Yes! Let's drink!" Rosa chirped.
"STOP! I-I mean, don't trouble yourselves please Kyrie nee-san, Rosa nee-san. One of the servants should be fetching tea soon." Natsuhi seemed eager to prove something and so she firmly but selflessly indicated they shouldn't trouble themselves.
Rosa and Kyrie obediently sat back down and waited for the tea. Or at least they would've waited for the tea but perhaps the reason why they had tried to make the tea was that the tea itself that was meant to be here was late and was embarrassing for the host. Natsuhi bit her lower lip, cursing the servants in her head to a brutal scolding for being so incompetent. Seeing her face, Eva, without hesitation, began to giggle.
"Sucks to be you.~"
"Enough already!" Rosa, Kyrie, Hideyoshi, and Rudolf all shouted at Eva, fed up with her antics.
...Of course, the barely aforementioned Shannon had no way of knowing that there was more drama in the parlor than a typical season of Survivor. She came pushing a dish cart piled with tea cups. For no apparent reason, or perhaps the fact that her guests had lashed out, Natsuhi gave Shannon a pained look which worried Shannon at once.
"...E, excuse me. The tea is prepared." Shannon tried her best to speak composedly.
"Oh. SHANNON-SWAN! It's been a while! You keep getting prettier every time I see you!" Hideyoshi exclaimed happily.
"She looks the same as last year dear." Eva flatly said, showing she also had a beef with Shannon.
"...oh... um... Thank you…." To her credit, Shannon ignored Eva entirely though this wasn't going to save her from an increasingly cross Natsuhi.
"Leave the idle chattering for after you've set the table, placed the tea in the cups, and behaved properly!" Natsuhi ordered.
"...I….I apologize…Madam." Shannon apologized like a frightened rabbit and bumped into the serving cart, making her breasts jiggle slightly but at the cost of an unsightly noise and several teaspoons being dropped.
Rosa and Kyrie looked to one another in a defeated way, figuring there'd be no way to possibly diffuse the tension now and wishing Natsuhi had let them prepare tea. Rudolf looked neutral about it, Eva was eating it up like an audience member of the Maury Show, Hideyoshi was trying to ease Eva out of that particular mindset, and Natsuhi's glare would've made Shannon burst into flames. Not quite a proud family.
"Aww… it's her own unique greeting Natsuhi nee-san. Besides, the tea's probably as cold as Antarctica by now. Heheheh~." Eva's menace knew no bounds.
"It. ...It's all right… it's not cold yet…" Shannon attempted to defend herself but…
"Ignore the sideshow Shannon and set the table already!" Natsuhi lost her composure entirely and not only insulted Eva but also made Shannon look ready to rush out of the room.
"W-who are you-"
"Girl, give it a rest already!" Hideyoshi groaned as he tried to relax Eva by massaging her shoulders.
After another awkward apology, Shannon got to preparing the table and tea at last. Rudolf urged Natsuhi not to bully Shannon much like how Eva urged Gohda not to bully Kanon but Natsuhi denied bullying her to begin with. Kyrie inquired about the brand of the tea next, figuring it was the safest option in this quickly declining conversation.
"...I… I'm terribly sorry….. I don't really know… I'll found out later..." Shannon said nervously.
How hard is it to not trigger a landmine in this freaking room?! Kyrie grumbled to herself in her head as she awaited the inevitable barb from Eva or scolding from Natsuhi.
"What an IDIOT. You don't even know what you're serving us? Anybody could claim it's from Wonderland at that rate! Do you at least have a silver spoon? Or has that ran away with the dishes…?~" Eva tore into Shannon like a carnivorous dinosaur.
"... I…. I'm sorry…. I didn't know we were supposed to have silver spoons…" Shannon's pit was dug deeper and deeper.
At this point Rosa was slumping her head on the table and even Rudolf looked positively embarrassed to be in the room.
"Shannon-chan? Do you know what silver spoons are used for? Or why they have to be silver? Or what silver is? Or that there's a My Little Pony character NAMED Silver Spoon?"
"...no." Shannon spoke as quietly as she could, trying to focus on setting the table and averting the fact she had made the mood incredibly awkward.
As charming as Eva's catty smile was, so far her words had the sharpness of a razor and that was what she was wearing at that point in time. Rosa, having been on the receiving end of Eva's aggression earlier, came to Shannon's aid.
"They say if silver is touched by poison, it dims. *Giggles* Isn't that your new lesson learnt for the day Shannon-chan?"
"..." Natsuhi's gaze was currently trying to freeze the teacup set before her.
If the tea hasn't been tested for poison, it can't be drunk. In Natsuhi's eyes this was an insult to both the tea… and herself for serving it. It was also an insult to her pride, the Ushiromiya family pride, the pride of the parlor, the servant's pride, and #pride.
"To be honest the only real poison is Eva's tongue. She's practically a poison-type." Rudolf joked.
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Since I get to hear that poison-tongue every day, I must be poison-proof by now! I don't pay it much in mind, but poor souls who without type advantages are in for a stormy ride! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hideyoshi laughed in such a way that it was clear he was desperately trying to lighten the mood.
"My, how cruel. I only gave Shannon-chan a bit of information about tea, didn't I?~"
"And read Natsuhi nee-san, and read Shannon-chan for her looks, and ruined the atmosphere, and called her an idiot, and criticized Natsuhi nee-san's parenting, and accused her of banging her head against the wall, and-" Rosa seemed to be getting payback for Eva's annoying habits by listing all the things that Eva had done.
"T-that was uncalled for! BAKA ROSA!" Eva lashed out again.
Why did I marry into this family again? Kyrie asked herself again, feeling as she was the only one amongst the adults besides Rosa, the still missing Krauss, and maybe Hideyoshi who hadn't acted like an outright jerk so far during this conference. Natsuhi though was slightly relieved Rosa was standing up for her a bit though it was nowhere near enough to make up for the humiliation she had just experienced from Shannon's hand. Eva had to be settled down from going off on another tirade by Hideyoshi while Rosa merely folded her arms and scowled as she sat down. Clearly Eva had used that derogatory term before against her before. Kyrie apologized to Shannon in a low voice for not being able to help avoid this catastrophe as the servant finally finished setting the tea table and tried to leave. ...Shannon gave a light bow and hightailed it the heck out of there…. Shannon wandered down the hall with the dish cart and a hung head, her pitiful aura making it obvious she had been through some #hit.
"... Don't be sad. You didn't do anything wrong, Nee-san." Kanon appeared to speak with Shannon.
"... You were watching." She said calmly.
"That is my duty as furniture."
"..." Shannon closed her eyes.
"Madam and Eva-sama can go to hell. ….. But the even worse coward is that guy." Kanon glared hatefully in the opposite direction of the parlor.
In truth, the delay for the tea was caused by some trifling problem in the kitchen. These problems were not Shannons' fault. The truth is that it had been Gohda's mistake. He was too big of a showoff in faux-french and cooking to hand over a flamboyant job like carting the tea to the guests in the first place. He had ended up wasting time preparing the tea a second time. So, knowing he wouldn't be able to make it on time, he pushed the task on setting the table on Shannon, who happened to be passing by. Basically… he passed the blame in a despicable way.
"... It's alright. Kanon-kun, thank you. … I really don't mind..." Shannon humbly refused to play the blame game herself.
"..." Kanon didn't believe it for a second.
"... No matter what, thank you. Even if you're the only one who understands, I feel better.."
"... You bottle things up too much, Nee-San. Sometimes with literal bottles. … You should be less hard on yourself for once." Kanon sympathetically said.
"Yeah. ….. Thanks." Shannon said with a smile until they both felt someone approaching and turned around.
A middle-aged man who you might've recognized from the opening scenes stood there. It was Genji, the head servant.
"... what are you doing here? ... shannon, hurry back to the kitchen. " He asked as unemotionally as ever.
"Y, yes…. If you'll excuse me…" Shannon humbly obeyed and promptly made to push the cart and leave.
However, Kanon appealed to Genji in silence, bearing something in his eyes that he could not express in words.
"... what is it? did something happen…?" Genji inquired.
"... Sha, … Sha-Shannon didn't do anything wrong. But even so, they…" Kanon made to clearly complain about the adults but Shannon stopped him.
"Stop it, Kanon-kun… If you'll excuse me. I'll return to work immediately. Kanon-kun, you too, go back to your post. …. Please." She spoke clearly.
"... If you say so, Nee-san."
"... if that is all, then go." Genji lowered his head and stated.
"...Yes, if you'll excuse me…."
As the servants scattered, an old woman wearing an apron watched over them like a stalker. It was none other than Kumasawa…
"... I feel so sorry for them, Shannon-san, Kanon-san… There's no reason for those two to be picked on. … But, it cannot be denied that they are disliked by Gohda-san… For someone who in his mind is older and wiser, and also wiser to be of a lower rank in the Ushiromiya family compared to two much younger and inexperienced servants, it drives him insane. Until he came to work for the Ushiromiya family, I heard he worked for a fabulous hotel somewhere. Compared to what he learned there and now, he came in here with a lot of pride. With that pride fundamentally damaged, he picks on them endlessly. And also, … although it's terrible, they are hated by Madam Natsuhi too… Madam, with having married into the family, has more experience than them but… they are not allowed to sympathize with her. … The master is also a truly cruel person… He probably did not realize his own trifling whims passed so much of an inferiority complex to his wife… … Naturally, Madam's inner thoughts fully acknowledge there's no reason to antagonize those two… However, the heart has reasons that reason knows not… Aah, I feel so sorry for them… I can't do anything but watch over them from the shadows and give exposition…" And with that, the monologue ended.
12:00 and Cinderella's time has just run out.
To Be Continued...
