The next day, I woke up to a phonecall, apparently making another arrangement with the news agencies. But that wasn't going to interrupt my usual schedule, which apparently makes even less sense than... I forgot. Whatever. The point is, Violet- I mean I am now homeschooled and every morning go to different sport classes, so that I could one day be trained to become the Olympic champion or something. (Also it was randomly winter for some reason, but that's less outstanding.)

As I got up, I immediately realized one thing: I was freakishly small. How old am I supposed to be? Ten? I got over that pretty quickly, though, as I redressed to my karate suit with a black belt and descended to meet my mother, who took me to this other building, where two tutors greeted me and insisted that I chop a wooden block with my hands.

However, beyond everyone's expectations, including mine, not only I chopped the wooden block, but also ended up knocking the two tutors, who insisted that I fight them, out of the picture. Because I totally can do that, and it's especially hella rad when I follow up the scene with no spectators with blowing a chewing gum bubble.

But before I could figure out where precisely these skills came up, some journalists and my mother arrived at the set. My mother handed me over the Golden Ticket and the lucky Wonka bar and with them I set a huge near-trademark grin for a photo to go on the newspapers.

This is going to be awkward, I thought as I was escorted back to my house with all the cups, redressed to look near-identical to my mother except smaller, and stared at the wall of reporters that quietly filled up as the timer began counting, signifying the beginning of live filming.

Three... two... one.

"These are just some of the 263 trophies and medals my Violet has won." My mother said and I knew it was my turn.

"I'm a gum chewer, mostly. But when I heard about these ticket things, I laid off the gum. Switched to candy bars." Good thing I know the script of the movie by heart.

"She's just a driven young woman. I don't know where she gets it."

I then looked around in my own brand I'm sure I'm forgetting something way when I noticed a trophy that looked like teeth biting onto something.

"I'm the Junior World Champion Gum Chewer. This piece of gum I'm chewing right at this moment I've been working on for three months solid. That's a record."

"Of course, I have my share of trophies. Mostly baton." The cameras and the eyes were all pointed at a single wall diploma awarded to Scarlett Beauregarde. Okay, that's her name. I'll remember.

" So it says that one kid's gonna get this special prize, better than all the rest. I don't care who those other four are. That kid, it's gonna be me."

"Tell them why, Violet."

"Because I'm a winner."

"CUT."

All cameras in the room shut off at once and one of the reporters said "Another rotten child! I just…"

"Yeah, she's just a little too obsessed with winning."

I kept chewing my supposedly record gum, listening to them but also thinking of something else, like that LT United song.

So you're gonna vote (vote) vote (vote)
Vote for the winners
Vote (vote) vote (vote)
Vote for the winners
We are the winners of Eurovision
Vote!

But then everything was interrupted… again. A portable television set that one reporter had brought spoke. "This just in. The fourth golden ticket has been found by a boy called Mike Teavee." Before anyone knew it, everyone was looking at the screen instead of me and I had to follow.

"Now tuning to Denver, Colorado." A different announcer from the first one said and the screen displayed a house with reporters' cars parked near it and... video game sounds?

Then the view cut to Mike. While playing a first person shooter, he ranted about how he precisely calculated just where to look. He concluded "an idiot could do it" as reporters around me started deeply frowning.

"Most of the time, I have no idea what he's talking about." His father said. "Kids these days seem just like..."

"Die! Die! Die!"

"...they're not going to stay kids very long."

Then on set someone asked "And how did it taste?"

"I don't know. I hate chocolate."

Then Violet's... my mother shut the TV off and the reporters looked around the room and each other.

"Fourth rotten child! What are we going to do!" one of them shouted and they all pulled out their phones with black-and-white screens, messaging each other and the world. Come on, it's 2013!

...

Is it?


Author's idiotisms: And then I am reminded of that scene in The Prince and the Pauper where the prince met the hobo's father and said "You're his father!" and the father said "I've no idea what you're talking about, but I'm your father and you'll listen to me!"

Also, for the time being I'm quitting writing trollfics, seeing as my level of English has decreased because of them.