Rage
November 28th, 2013
Taking a long drag of the cigarette in my hand, I felt the nicotine expand in my lungs slowly calming me. Blowing out the smoke through my nose I wrapped my lips around it again, pulling it deeper into my body. Exhaling curiously I watched as the smoke blended with the air, twisting ferociously before dispensing.
I gazed around the large comfortable living; matching opulent pictures, fireplace with lively brick colors and decided I hated this apartment. It was a dump. What the fuck was I doing here anyway?
I snorted, because I knew what the fuck I was doing here. Edward has signed to be my a surety, Christ, if only I had known sooner that that was his plan then I would have found someone else. Just being here, in the cosy apartment on the upper west side of New York, made me want to vomit. It was so impersonal everything about it screamed rich tasteless bastards.
Flicking my cigarette into the ash tray I walked back to the guest room. Sitting down on the bed I ran a hand through my shaggy hair, before fingerings the scare on my left cheek. With poor stitching the wound had managed to open twice until it finally healed, permanently disfiguring my face. Sighing, I rolled my shoulders because the weight of the last few weeks has been physically draining. Seeing Edward again ignited a deep flame and a jealous fury I couldn't explain.
It was then that I came to the realization that this fiend was not my Edward.
The imposter had lost all of the innocence and virtue that made me fall for him in the first place. Rich and powerfully corrupt, this Edward would stop at nothing to crush whoever was in his path. A shadow of the boy he once was, turned onto a grandiose man who thought that money and power exceeded above all else. Uprooting him from his simple life they turned him into something much worse, filthy scum, a parasite that feed off the fortune of others. I could barely stand to be in the same room as this demon sucked the life out of everything.
I couldn't forgive him.
Not now and I don't think I ever will.
There was just too much to go over, too much to rehash and I just wanted to forget it. I knew Edward didn't rat us out to the police, but every time I looked at him it was a reminder of all the things I had lost; my job, apartment, sanity, Peter and a life I could call my own.
Now I was fused to him.
He had destroyed me in one single night. The cops had nothing on us when they came to my apartment, all the saw were two boys and a rumored relationship. If Edward had showed up to the court hearing, told them that I was his boyfriend and that it was completely and utterly consensual then I wouldn't have been sent to prison. It all seemed like such a simple thing to do. And all of their lies of sexual misconduct and misconceptions would be pacified, I would have gone free. However, things are never that simple because Edward didn't show up to testify against the charges and with plenty of witnesses, the school board spewing false accusations I was sent away without even the possibility of parole.
I fucking hated him for that.
Then again he was a child. When I look back on it now that is all I see, a bratty teenager with no sense of reality. Now, he's so much worse. Drugged on medication, a mentally unstable billionaire with more money than god and a legion of minions he ruled over the city. Edward was the devil's son, what criminal mastermind's only dream of becoming. A face with child-like purity, tempests like wrath and a primitive soul, he could persuade even the hardest men into doing his biding.
Thinking about Edward was a nice distraction but my own nightmares were lurking behind me. The men I met in prison had kept me alive, not in the physical sense but emotionally. They made life worth living and as our friendship grew I knew they would always have a special place in my heart. I chuckled when I thought about our group and the way he kept each other close like family. Pinky was a large African American that talked slow with a southern drawl but built like a brick house. He was three hundred pounds overweight and thought that grits and gravy tasted good on top of everything. Whitejack, the local drug dealer, got busted for selling cocaine to minors but he could talk circles around anyone. Tattoos covered his body and he refused to go by any name besides Whitejack. He referred to his given name as his salve name. "That's the name they give you when they're tryna trap you in the system, Jasper. That's why I don't go by it. If you aren't in the system then they can't catch you." He had said once.
Then there was Banana, he thought he was a Zulu warrior Shaka, and had accidently stabbed his wife several times because he theorized she was attempting to assassinate him. These men were the lowest of their kind; thieves, murders, arsenists and rapist's, yet their stories are one of a kind and each their own personal hell.
They're all dead now.
Pinky was killed days after he got released, drive by went down and he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Whitejack got into a fight with a prison guard who stabbed him to death. No witnesses were around to see it. Banana lived long enough to see his children before his deceased wife's brother shot him to death.
Friendship was the greatest gift these corrupt men could give. They offered it without question and gave it all they could. I still remember our laughs and the way we found humor on the days it felt completely hopeless. Frequently one of us would fall into the depths of despair but we always had each other to pull us out.
The last member I can't bear to think about.
I forced the urge to vomit down when Riley's sweet face flashed before my eyes. Kind-hearted, with an exuberant nature; he had an immense thirst for life and everything it had to offer.
He was the best cell mate anyone could ever ask for.
For four years I listened to him tell stories of his life before prison. Riley was a factory worker, trying to make an honest day's living when his momma got sick and needed her medication. One night in desperation he took his daddy's gun and pointed it at the pharmacy owner, demanding that they give him the prescription. Of course, he was caught soon after that and sent to Washington correctional facility.
Barely eighteen, he had more bravery than any of the thugs in that place. Our feelings for each other grew when I became his protector. When one of the other prisoners tried to rape him, I stood in between them, threatening to kill. The scar on my face is a token of how courage and hope can move mountains.
When Riley was safe I took the brunt of the beatings from all angles. It was all worth it in the end to see him smile that dimpled grin. I could still feel the way his reddish brown hair felt between my fingertips, or his dark eyes following me in wonder. In those four years I had captured his heart, protecting it with my life.
There was a soft knock on the door that roused me out of my sinking depression.
"Jasper?" Edward called. "Will you be coming to dinner?"
I thought about refusing but my stomach rumbled loudly. Sighing, I rolled out of bed, put on a long sleeve dark blue shirt and some jeans. Opening the door I saw Edward was still standing there in a pair of loose sweatpants, a white wife-beater and thick framed glasses. Offering a small smile he gestured to walk towards the kitchen. After we got there a man also dressed in casual sweatpants sat at the table.
"This is our roommate Garrett," Edward said.
"Well, hello gorgeous," He said holding out his hand, "Now I see why Edward's bat-shit crazy over you." Shaking his hand I observed him closely. He had unkempt dark brown, nearly black hair, with a little stubble on his face and mischievous brown eyes.
Edward blushed before he cleared his throat. "Hungry? I made chicken parmesan, rice with asparagus."
I grabbed a seat beside Garrett.
"So, where are you from, Jasper?" He asked.
"Texas," I deadpanned.
"Oh my and a deep baritone voice to match," He chortled. "When did you move to Washington?"
I look at him tiredly. "When I got outta Oregon's state prison,"
His eyes go wide and he shoots a glare at Edward who is fixing our plates.
"Right, how long have you known Edward?" Garrett's jaw is clenching tightly.
Smirking I place my elbows on the table and lean forward. Decided to place his game I finger the deep scar at the side of my face. "Since I was fifteen, we lived in the same group home for boys,"
For a second he shrinks back in his chair. "You never told me that, Edward,"
"Wine anyone?" He digressed, before placing steaming plates in front of us. Dinner settled into an awkward silence, with only the sound of our forks hitting the plates. Edward watched me throughout, making sure I was enjoying the food. A lame attempt at domesticity failed because the rice was underdone and the chicken was bland. I chewed it down anyway because in the end food was food.
"So what do you plan on doing now that you're out?" Garrett asked.
"Dunno, maybe some construction work," I mumbled.
"Why don't you come work for me?" Edward asked casually, but I knew he had been thinking about this for a long time.
"No." I said gruffly.
"Jasper, baby, it's the only logical thing to do. Once they see that you have a record-"
"I ain't yer fuckin' baby," I growled at him.
He snorted. "You're mine and you always will be. Now, think about what I am offering. I can pay you ten times more than anyone else can-"
"It not 'bout the money,"
"Then what is it?" He snapped. "Even now you can't even bear to look at me?"
Dropping my fork onto my plate I put my hands over my face. Suddenly I felt very tired, this argument is one I didn't want to have but Edward kept pushing. If I didn't walk away now I knew I'd end up hurting him. Nothing would bring me more joy than to smash his face into the wooden table. Pulling my hands away I fixed him with a hard glare.
"Edward," Garrett interrupted. "I think you should calm down."
True to his nature Edward stood, throwing his napkin on the table and stormed out of the kitchen.
"So, desert?" Garrett smiled.
I stole a bottle of rum from their liquor cabinet.
With the intention of only having one glass but that turned into many and soon I was very drunk. This evening had been hard, thinking about Riley always put me a slump because I didn't know if he was alive or dead. After he got out we lost connection, god I wished I could find him.
Taking a full swing of the bottle I sat in my room, the alcohol burned as it slid down my throat but it kept the monsters at bay.
They were back.
Long ago I thought I had outrun them with my Edward but little did I know that they were still there prowling in the shadows, waiting. Now that I was a free man I had no idea what to do with myself. Torn between wanting to go back, relive the years I had lost and struggling to come to terms with how to go on living. Nearly thirty, I hadn't graduated high school and I could barely read or write. The reality hit me harder every day, not only was I completely dependent on Edward I couldn't even get a job.
Clenching my fist I took another swing, this time draining the entire bottle. Lying down on my bed I closed my eyes, praying that tonight sleep would take me. Instead I fell into a deep state unconsciousness.
Many days passed after that, days in a drunken stupor.
Caught between this world and my own personal hell I drank myself into oblivion, desperately trying to forget the screams, torture and eternal flames as they engulfed me. The demon was clawing at my chest, raging to get free and there was little I could do to stop it.
I blamed Edward for bringing me here.
That fucking bratty cunt wanted me to suffer while he lived in extravagance. Every time he came near me it left an awful taste of disgust in my mouth and then I realised that I hated him.
My revulsion intensified when he'd look at me starry-eyed and bashful. I knew he was hopelessly devoted to me yet the thought of being intimate with him made me sick. In my drunken state I felt the venom flow, polluting my veins, twisting my thoughts into something illogical.
Trying to reason with myself I wanted to believe that I could never hate someone that I had loved so fiercely. He had saved me from myself, yet at the same time destroyed everything that I worked for. He was an evil siren sent by the devil, yes that must be it.
A day after I came to that conclusion I decided to snoop around his apartment when Garrett and the demon were at work. With half a bottle of Vodka in my hand I went through some of his drawers in his office, only to find more case files. Disregarding those I went to his room, finding nothing of importance in there I stumbled to the bookshelf, swaying on my feet I grabbed a photograph of Edward smiling at the camera, his arm slung casually around Garrett. A little disorientated I put the picture back upside down.
After deciding that there was nothing stupid Edward was hiding I went to walk away but thick framed photo caught my attention. It was slightly hidden from view but I picked it up to get a closer look at it.
Maniacal laughter erupted from my throat when I glance at it closely. It was forced, bitter and it made my sides hurt but I couldn't stop because it was just too funny. Of course the demon was the ultimate manipulator; he would lie, spiral his words around until he convinced me that I was in the wrong. The sudden urge to smash this picture became exceeding overwhelming. I had to stop myself from acting irrationally because Garrett would be upset if I broke it. Obviously it meant a great deal to him more than it did to the soulless monster.
Staggering my way over to the couch I sat down, dizzily. Clutching the picture I stared at it for a long time trying to imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn't decided to come back to Forks. I'd probably still be living on the streets, with my boys who were like my brothers. Hours past as I sat and drunk becoming more and more intoxicated until I seriously thought of burning this apartment down with me in it.
Suicide was a recurring wish for me.
With no family and only one friend who gave a damn about me I knew it would be simple and easy. Like breathing in ice cold air, it would hurt for a second then it would be over.
"Jasper…?" Edward called, as they entered the living room. Dressed in a well-fitted navy blue blazer, black slacks and a slick tie he looked so fucking handsome. Indeed, the demon was trying to seduce me. Placing his briefcase on the floor he slowly walked over to me, stopping dead when he saw the picture in my hand. "Garrett, can you give me a minute alone with Jasper and whatever you hear, don't come out."
"No fucking way, he's wasted. We need to get him to bed-"
"Please, trust me on this." Giving Edward one last pleading look his eyes grew hard and he glared at me before he started walking towards his bedroom. Once he was gone I held the picture up, carelessly waving it around.
"Explain, dis," I slurred. Edward ripped it out of my hand, placed it back on the bookshelf and came to stand in front of me.
"Garrett and I dated for four years,"
I don't know why but suddenly the words feel like a knife in my fucking chest, slicing and cutting deeper. Clenching my teeth I try and think reasonably. I was in prison for eight years of course Edward couldn't wait for me.
"You were gone a long time," He said quietly.
Unsuccessful I try to hide the hurt by taking another swing of the vodka, nodding my head I absorb the information.
"Did he fuck you?" I find myself asking.
Conflicted his eyes dart around the room, trying to evade the question. It irritates me, they way he thinks I can't handle such information, but his silence is enough to clear any doubt in my mind. We've always had a volatile relationship, toxic but I always thought that maybe somehow it would stabilize, with my calming influence, however there were some things could never be tamed.
Some things were just born wild.
"Ya used to love being fucked, you'd beg for it like a whore." I grunt, satisfied when his face twisted in anger. "So, while you were fuckin' and livin' lavishly up in yer penthouse I was rotting in prison," I spit, passion and anger, a dangerous combinations ignited in my chest.
"No," He said hastily. "It isn't what you think. I never loved Garrett, at least not in the way I'm supposed to,"
"Yer full of shit Edward,"
Hurt flickered before his eyes, and then he became exasperated. "Blame everything on me, is that it? How long are you going to punish me? I moved on with my life should I apologize for that too?"
"Yes, apologize for every fuckin' thing ya did to screw me over!" I shouted, jumping to my feet.
"I came to visit you each day for almost a year when you went to prison! I wrote you letters, paid for your cigarettes, toothpaste, every little fucking miniscule thing you needed I was there for!" He screamed, his face bright red.
"And the court hearin'? Where the fuck were you for that? Huh?" I roared. My hand twitched as it curled into a fist. Maddened by his lack of comprehension, the demon didn't understand that he had missed the most important date that could have stopped me from going to prison in the first place. "On the day where I was sentenced and I got my lawyer to call yer house only to be told by yer family that you weren't going to testify against their bullshit charges of rape! All ya had to do was say it was fuckin' consensual!"
He blanched, his face going pale. Suddenly tears welled up in his big beautiful eyes and spilled over. "No," He said, clutching my arm. "I was in the hospital then, Carlisle sent me away so I couldn't testify-"
"Bullshit." I said through clenched teeth.
"Believe me." He begged, tears flowing down his cheeks, he frantically fisted my t-shirt as he tried to explain. "I would have been there but they sent me away, they didn't tell me anything. The day they found out about us Carlisle sent me to Port Angeles to stay at that Asylum because I had mixed my medication. I swear if they hadn't taken me I would have been there for you, I promise! Please, I love you and I would never…" He rambles on but I tune him out because all I can see is red. With a good mix of the vodka and blinding anger that flowed like acid through my veins, I couldn't hear anything he was saying. All I wanted to do was have his face collide with my fist. "If you answered or read any of my fucking letters you would know all of this!"
Then he starts twisting the argument which infuriates me further because we both know it's his fault we are in this mess.
"All ya had to do was make one fuckin' phone call from the hospital to me and we would have at least gotten yer statement."
"It's not as simple as your making it out to be!" He thunders, his face is splotchy with tears.
"It is that simple!"
"I'm sorry! I'll do anything to get you to forgive me." He sobbed.
"Don't come near me, stay far away from me until all of this is over and I find somewhere else to live." I ripped his hands off my t-shirt.
His face shifted into something unrecognizable, the resolve is set in his eyes. Straightening his back he jutted his chin out arrogantly. The change in his demeanor was evident as he took slow breaths to calm himself down. After a few moments of silence his spoke calmly, too calmly.
"No, you aren't leaving."
I glared at him. "What did ya say you little shit?"
"You aren't fucking leaving and that's finale."
"Don't test me, Edward," I warned.
"Where the fuck would you be without me? On the streets with your friends? Those same people who wouldn't even visit you in prison?" He sneered. "I am all you have in this world! You were a piece of shit before you met me."
Involuntarily my fist jerks forward and connects to his face sending him staggering backwards. The sound echoes throughout the apartment, Edward catches himself before he hits the floor, his stance ridged. When he turns around I can see his bottom lip is busted wide open, bleeding profusely. Slowly he lifts his hand to touch, looking down at the blood on his fingertips he licks it off.
"Is that all you got?" He taunted, darkly.
Without thinking I surge forward tackling him, we both hit the ground hard then I land a solid punch to his gut. He winces under me and I grunt loudly when he elbows me in the face. Black spots dance before my vision, my nose is pouring blood, I can hardly see because of it. Edward gets in another punch to my face and his ring catches some skin near my eye effectively tearing it off. With great force I manage to pin him down as he wiggles beneath me.
"Come on!" He shouts, spitting blood on my face.
Fury knots in my gut, Edward's body is hot, too hot and he's moving around under me. I find myself becoming distracted. It starts small, building in my stomach before it moves upwards scorching, singeing my flesh, I can't breathe. The need to take him becomes all consuming.
Suddenly I want bend him over and fuck him into oblivion.
Cock buried balls deep in his ass; the desire is overwhelming, so powerful I fight internally against it. Staring up at me I see a glimpse of my Edward. Although he is bloody and beaten he still looks undeniably beautiful. We are both panting, the air has become thin yet at the same time electric, the sparks fly between us and our lips crash together.
Like always it was some strange magnetic pull that drives us together, whether we come kicking and screaming we always manage to be merged. His lips taste metallic, blood and something very sweet, like honey. Before I can truly understand what's happening Edward is ripping off my shirt, his eyes gaze at the tattoo's that weave up and down my muscular arms.
He stares in awe.
He traces them with his fingers and it seems oddly intimate. Small hairs at the back of my neck stand up and suddenly I am transported to the past, where we are lying on my bed in post-orgasmic bliss and he is trailing his fingers down my face. I flinch when the memory evaporates and abruptly I feel silly lying on top of Edward without a shirt in the middle of his living room. Sighing I move to sit up but he grabs my arm, holding me down.
"Please," He begged.
Placing a tiny kiss on his collarbone, I try not to think about the consequences of my actions but it had been so long since I felt another body pressed up against mine, the warmth blossomed in my chest spreading.
But this is wrong.
This stranger I am cuddling with is not my Edward. I have no idea who this person is and I fear that I may never want to know. Moving again I try to sit up but Edward is clutching my arms desperately.
"Edward…"
"No," His voice is shaky and his grip tightens. "I love you so much. Can you at least consider forgiving me?" I glare at the hardwood floor wishing I could turn my brain off for just a second.
"Fuck you." He said quietly. "You're a selfish prick who can't see past your own goddamn needs. Do you know how much ridicule I had to go through eighteen months after I got out of the hospital? They thought I was crazy. My life turned to shit when I went back to high school but I endured it. Carlisle told me about the court hearing years later when I was at Yale."
I sighed, shaking my head.
"I've loved you my whole life and I still can't believe you think so lowly of me."
I'm sick of talking about this.
The whole topic makes me want to scream in frustration and agony. So much time fucking wasted because we were controlled by the whims of others.
"You'll need some ice for yer face," I mumbled, as I pried his arms off my neck. Surprisingly Edward lets me go and when I stumble to my feet he curls into a ball. A loud sob erupts from his throat and I stand there watching him. I know he's crying, I can see the way his shoulders shake that he is in heart wrenching pain but I can't bring myself to comfort him.
Edward doesn't love me; he loves the idea of me. I am a fraction of the person I once was, shattered and tainted there was no way I could love him back because I have my own shit to deal with and deep down I think he knew that.
Unexplained resentment boils in my stomach as I watch him cry, it fills me with contentment. When he finally stops dry heaving, he pulls himself off the floor and he stares at me. I flinch under his gaze because he looks a fucking mess, lip busted; face red and splotchy.
I don't feel bad because he deserved it.
There is a demon inside him and I won't ever feel bad for putting it back in its place. Wincing he limps towards his bedroom, slamming the door shut. Sighing in relief I go back to my own room, ready to forget about that kiss.
As I lay in bed I tell myself that it didn't mean anything. I hadn't been with anyone in eight years so obviously I'd get aroused when someone is rubbing against me erotically. Logical excuses build up until my self-deception appeases me.
I awoke when a bright light danced in front of my eyes. Edward was in my room opening all of the curtains.
"Rise and shine, Jasper," He said.
My head was pounding and I felt like I ate sandpaper.
"Here take these," He passed me Advil and some water. Greedily I drank the water and then the pill. Squinting against the light I grunted a response before falling back into bed.
"You have to get up. We have some things we need to discuss."
Groaning I rolled over to face him. "What?"
"I booked you an appointment to see a therapist."
"No fuckin' way."
"You need help Jasper," He mumbled, against the light his eyes looked greener, more vibrant even though his bottom-lip is swollen, he still looks stunning. So pretty, he was always so pretty.
Shaking my head I had to remind myself that this wasn't my Edward. Soon he would sprout horns, teeth growing exponentially until they jutted out and then his true grotesque face would show.
We don't talk about last night, but it's like a giant elephant in the room. His eyes are sadder than usual but I can tell he's keeping up a brave face. I look away because it hurts me to watch him pretend.
"I don' need anythin'"
"You drank the whole fucking bottle of Vodka and Rum," He said picking it up off my night table. "Frankly, I don't want you to die from alcohol poisoning. So I've schedule you an appointment for this afternoon with Dr. Kate Forrest."
"No," I grunted at him.
He rolled his eyes. "You can fight me all you want, but we are doing this whether you like it or not."
I scoffed, throwing the covers over my head.
Fat chance of that happening.
"How are you feeling today?" Mrs. Forrest asked her eyes big and expressive. Clasping her hands together she massaged them gracefully; her pale skin was wrinkled and spotted with age spots. Epiphany of calm, cool and collective she never judged because this was a safe space where we could share things. The way she spoke reminded of momma, like she was a lion protecting her cub.
Turning away I ignore he question.
"You were upset when you walked into the office. Did Edward make you upset?"
I clenched my fist together. Fuming visibly I turned my head to look out the window. I had been dragged out of my warm bed to come to see this stupid therapist. My head fucking throbbing, I wanted to vomit and the room we were in was so cliché. It was the standard bullshit psychologist's office. There was a fancy desk, nice couch, where I was sitting, a chair facing me where she was sitting. Obviously the room was made to look comfortable and welcoming, but it just stifled me.
"Okay," She said softly. "Just remember this is safe space. Whatever you say in here won't be repeated. Why are you here Jasper?"
"Edward insisted that I come," I stated.
"You know, I've been his therapist for six years. After he got out of the hospital and moved to New York they referred him to me."
I nod, mainly because I don't particularly care.
"He spoke of you often. The first step towards a healthy relationship is forgiveness. So, why can't you forgive him, Jasper?"
"'Cause he took everythin' from me,"
"In your notes, when I asked you and Edward to write down all the things you disliked about each other all you put down was the word demon several times. Do you believe Edward is a demon?"
"Yes," I said with pure conviction.
"Jasper," She said linking her fingers together. "Sometimes we project all the things that are wrong with us onto the person that we are closest to. If Edward truly were a demon then why would he want you to get help? I can tell he loves you very much." Crossing her legs she leaned forward, intrigued to hear my response. Her long pencil skirt rose just above the knee, exposing her stockings. Absentmindedly she fiddled with her necklace; her cream color blouse looked perfectly pressed.
I glared at her.
This was something nobody would truly understand. Edward simply wasn't human.
"In couples counselling both people-"
"We ain't no couple," I snarled at her.
"Edward seems to think you are."
"We fucked a long time ago, that's it and I happen to live with him 'cause of my probation."
"But you love him?"
My nostrils flared because if that wasn't the truth than I didn't know what else was. Somewhere, in my heart where I couldn't reach I thought maybe I did still love him. Maybe in another life if I have the capacity to love, I might love him again. However, there was little chance of that happening now. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm down a little. My momma told me to always be respectful of women even if they did piss me off.
I remained silent.
She looked down at her notes, then back at me, her brown eyes wide, communicative. "He wants to marry you."
Tapping my foot on the ground anxiously, I looked everywhere but at her. Of course I knew Edward would want the white picket fence, house and kids all that shit but it wasn't something I was willing to give.
Not to a demon.
"Alright well it looks like our time is up. I'll see you next week Jasper," She said standing to her feet.
"See ya Ma'am," I said, tipping my head.
"Please, call me Kate. It makes me feel old when you say that." She laughed, but I could tell it was a little forced, too rehearsed. We shook hands briefly before I left. Grabbing my coat, hat and scarf I bundled up as the bitter cold touched my skin. I exited the building only to see a black car waiting for me. A shiver runs down my back as I walk towards it and get in, I knew that my uneasiness had nothing to do with the cold.
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies.
