If you're not here (Si tú no estás aquí) - Rosana

I don't want to be without you.
If you're not here, there's too much air.
I don't want to be like this, if you're not here, people are nobodies.
If you're not here, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, loving you.
If you're not here, you should know, God will not understand why you leave.

.

I don't want to be without you.
If you're not here, I can't sleep.
I don't want to walk around like this, with a beating heart of orphan love.
If you're not here, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, loving you.
If you're not here, you should know, God will not understand why you leave.

.

I'd pour out my dreams if the day I don't have you should ever come.
The biggest things would turn into nothing.
I'd take a walk in a starless sky this time,
trying to figure out who made a Hell out of Paradise.
Don't ever leave me, because I can't be without you.

.

If you're not here, the wind is burning me.
If you're not here, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, loving you.
If you're not here, you should know, God will not understand why you leave.

.

If you're not here...

.


CHAPTER 2

She closed the door behind her; her hands shaking and her heartbeat completely uncontrolled. She stood there, frozen in place for a moment; her eyes wandering around the dark room before the entire meaning of their argument, of the words that so carelessly just left her mouth, finally hit her.

She had just ruined their friendship.

In one single moment, one stupid impulse, she had completely and utterly ruined their friendship. And Michiru didn't even say anything...

What did you expected her to say, you idiot?, she scolded herself. Of course her friend wouldn't answer to something like that! She was probably disgusted with her by now!

And that thought alone was more terrifying than anything that had happened earlier that day.

She fell.

Hard on her knees, she simply fell down; her legs no longer able to carry her. Hands hitting the floor hard, tears cascading down her cheeks. She found it hard to even breathe, and her entire body just wouldn't stop shaking. She had confessed her deepest, darkest secret, and the answer she had feared the most became a reality.

A reality she wasn't ready to face. A reality she didn't want to face. She just couldn't...

She had tried so hard not to feel this way. Not to imagine things where there was nothing at all, finding hidden double meanings on the things her friend would say at times... Not to believe all that playful flirting coming and going between them.

She had tried. And she had failed, miserably.

Because no matter how many times she told herself over and over again that this wasn't right, that it wasn't normal, that they were just friends -really good, close friends-, and partners on their destiny as Senshi, her heart would always think otherwise.

Her heart would always tell her that it felt right. It felt right to be near her, to hold her hand, even if it was for the briefest of moments. So goddamn right... to hold her close, when the aqua girl would ask her to dance. To feel those slender, delicate arms around her waist whenever they would go out for a ride in her motorcycle. Feeling Michiru's arm gently grabbing hers, so casually, while walking around the park.

And she knew, she knew damn well they were just putting up a show. She knew neither of them had the time for love and romance. They both agreed on it, countless of times. But her heart would still tell her otherwise. Time and time again. Because, every time Michiru would lean on her while dancing, or while walking around the park, or even in the middle of a fight, every time she felt her warmth so near, her brain would scream at her that it meant nothing. But her heart would catch those blue eyes, and see the half way smiles, smell her scent...

And her words... the melody of her voice, and those gentle words. Always encouraging her whenever her will would fade. Comforting, whenever the weight of their mission, of what they had to do, became too much for her to bear. And sometimes teasing, oh so teasing and playful, whenever that jealousy vibe would bite her, and Michiru would always read her, so easily...

She had tried, over and over again, to tell herself they were just friends. Their mission had brought them together, and their friendship had grown stronger with every passing day. But try as she may, she couldn't fool herself. And friendship was not the only thing that had grown within her...

And here she was now, so deeply in love with her best friend.

She had lost her twice that day. And just like earlier that very same day, now she was left alone, and unable to solve the situation. Unable to do anything at all. Completely worthless. And so alone...

Pointing that gun at herself and pulling the trigger had been so easy...

With Michiru laying lifeless not three feet from her, it had been so easy to just give up. To hand over the mission to Sailor Moon, knowing the younger girl was naive, unbelievable clumsy, and most definitively not fully aware of what the mission meant, but with a good heart and the will to save everyone. And powerful. The fact that she had been able to even use the Grail at all was proof enough, and even Haruka herself had to admit to that.

So, yes, it had been quite easy to just quit.

Knowing someone else would take over the mission, and with Michiru gone, sacrificing herself, handing over her talisman to the younger Sailor team and just giving up had been so incredibly easy. To just run away, hoping that, maybe, she would follow Michiru to the afterlife.

It seemed she simply couldn't stop doing that. Running away. First she had ran away from her destiny, wanting nothing to do with it. Hating those terrible dreams that would come to her, whispering the horrible future the Silence would bring upon earth. And then she had ran away from Michiru. She had simply walked away from her. Not once, but twice.

Wanting to run away from destiny. How foolish of her! How wrong of her! But back then she didn't know, she didn't want to know about the fights, the daimons, and the talismans sealed within pure hearts... and Michiru, on her own...

In the end, the girl she had walked away from had been her reason for her to embrace her destiny. She had opened the blonde's eyes. And her heart...

But in some way, she was still running away from her. Only this time, running away from the girl of the Seas seemed so much harder. It was as if she had simply invaded Haruka's entire essence, and the blonde didn't know how to run away from that.

Was it even possible? And even if it was, did she really want to?

She had tried, and she had failed. And now she could hardly breath without her best friend, let alone face her goddamn destiny without her. Without her courageous company, without her constant support. Without her sweet smiles and her shinning, deep blue eyes. Without Her, and those tender hands, gently playing with hers, or those teasing, playful comments. Even if those meant so much more to the tall girl...

But now things were different. There was no gun, this was not about their mission and the damn talismans. And she wasn't so sure if it would be so easy to just walk away, like she had done that day, that seemed so long ago now, back at the running tracks.

Even knowing she had lost Michiru's friendship now, they were still a team. They were still soldiers. And the mission was still there. And so was Michiru. That alone meant more to the blonde than anything in the entire world. The aquamarine haired goddess was alive and breathing, and Haruka wasn't so sure if she could just walk away from her.

Not now. Not ever.

She just couldn't. No matter how much it hurt not to. And it did hurt. So goddamn much! She couldn't take it. It was so hard to breathe, and there was this empty hole in her chest...

She had always been a strong person by nature. She was strong, and she would always take the pain and suck it up. But this... this, she couldn't face. And here she was, crying like never before in her entire life. And she hated it! She hated being weak, she hated tears, convinced they never did any good. But she couldn't help it. She didn't even know how to. It wasn't even physical, this pain, and it was eating her alive. Eating her very soul.

And she had lost her... would Michiru hate her now?

A pair of warm arms suddenly encircling around her got her by surprised, and she lifted her face in time to see an aquamarine curly head crushing against her. Warm, crystal tears now damping her neck; an unsteady breathing tickling her.

And she frowned, confused out of her mind. Not knowing what else to do, and with her heart screaming at her to just take the opportunity -maybe the last one-, she closed her arms around Michiru's waist, holding her close and breathing her in.

"Michi.. ru?" she corrected herself, not willing to let another secret slip her this time. Her friend didn't need to know that, in her mind, she called her differently. Intimately.

Michiru looked up at her, a small smile playing on her lips. Big blue eyes shinning with the tears that were running down her redden, wet cheeks. But there was something in those blue eyes of hers, on those orbs Haruka loved so much, that simply took her ability to speak away.

"You silly," the aquamarine haired girl said; her hands cupping the blonde's cheeks, her thumbs softly caressing her wet skin, wiping away the tears. "Why did you run from me like that? Don't you know?"

Haruka just frowned.

Holding Michiru so close to her, along with all the tension from the day built up, all mixed up together inside of her, it was taking away her ability to think rationally. She just couldn't think properly. And she wondered if she was finally losing it, and her mind was playing tricks on her.

Mean, heartbreaking tricks...

"You know why I didn't stop when you told me to?" the smaller girl asked. "The moment I saw you there, with her pointing that gun at you, I knew, I just knew... I had to do something, anything, to save you. You," she said, her thumb now so close from the blonde's trembling lips. "Only you."

Green eyes went wide opened then, fearing to hope anything at all, but unable to stop her own raging heart. What was Michiru saying? Was she trying to...? Did she feel the same? She couldn't dare to hope, she shouldn't! But yet... what was her friend saying?

She tried to search into blue eyes for a sign, but Michiru lowered her gaze, taking the blonde's hands in hers and lifting them up to her lips, to gently kiss them. Then she looked up at Haruka again, tears still running down her face.

"I can't lose you, don't you see?" she whispered. "I love you, Ruka."

The first thing she registered was her new given nickname. It sounded so nice, so caring. So intimate...

But after a few seconds, her brain finally registered the full meaning of what the aquamarine haired girl had just said, and she gasped.

Was she dreaming?

"I'd walk through that bridge a thousand times, if by doing so I get to save you," Michiru whispered, looking straight into green eyes. "And maybe... maybe a chance to be with you," she then added, with the most lovely, cute shade of red tinting her cheeks.

As a tear rolled down her redden cheeks, the tall blonde girl looked into those blue, tearful eyes, not knowing what to answer. Her ability to speak completely lost to her now, she did the only thing she could think of. The only thing she'd been dreaming of for so long...

Not breaking eye contact, still afraid of waking up, still afraid of some cruel cosmic joke, she reached up her hands, gently cupping Michiru's cheeks. Faces inches apart, breaths caressing each other, eyes half closed, they only hesitated for a moment. Waiting for the other to back down, praying for the other not to...

And then their lips met. Gently brushing against each other, in more of a caress than a kiss, really. But it was enough to make the world around them explode.

It felt like heaven. There was no fear, no pain. No mission, no destiny, no Silence. Nothing at all, but the two of them. Everything simply stopped being, and all that existed were two girls, kneeling on the floor, arms encircling each other, lips softly brushing together.

And so, they kissed.