I sulked back home in my own confusion. Right now, I don't feel like I have the slightest clue of who I am. I saw others making their way about town, skirting down the streets with an expressionless face slapped on. I wish I felt like they looked. Empty. Instead I was bubbling inside. So many feelings at once.
I approached the vehicle my mom had brought us in, and leaned against it. The cool metal brought relief to my tense muscles. I tried to relax, but I just couldn't. How could I make the biggest decision of my life tomorrow without having any information to help me choose? Five factions, but a million questions. Am I brave, honest, selfless, curious, or kind? Am I all?
The thought of leaving my family behind to begin a whole new life with new people terrified me, but what scared me even more was the thought of forcing myself to stay.
My forehead pounded with endless possibilities. I tried to force them all away, to just think positively like the Amity did, but to no surprise I could not.
After about a half hour of these questioning thoughts, my brother appeared with my mom walking beside him, his arm draping around her shoulder. They both wore smiles that you could just look at and feel the warmth they contained. Instead of delivering me any hope, their smiles piled even more weight on my shoulders.
I will not stay in Amity.
_
The ride back home was quiet and thoughtful. The silence left me with my thoughts pressing against my skull, but also gave me time to peel each one apart and digest it.
I am not honest.
My aptitude test proved that. I lied to that man with great ease. It did not pain me to know that the truth was alive in my brain with bursting jolts of electricity and I had put it behind bars. I had looked him in his eyes, and lied to his face.
I am not selfless.
No facts are needed to back this one up. Anyone who knows me knows that I can be self-indulgent. I do not always lean to the option of helping others, even if I do feel incriminated from admitting it.
I am kind.
I would not let that little girl fall in the fate of harm. I would protect her. I love my family. I would protect them.
I am Curious
I wonder this and that, and question many things. I am often finding myself looking for answers, opening and closing certain doors in my midst of finding them.
Am I brave?
This is the one question that was nailed securely to my thoughts. Yes, I leapt onto the dog. Does that prove enough for me? How would I know if I was Brave?
_
I crept into my room, the green walls comforting me in my stressful moment. I was exhausted from my warring thoughts. It was me vs. my own mind. Right now, my mind was winning. I was tired. Sleep floated over me like a grey cloud, bearing a long days-worth amount of water that was impatiently waiting to empty over my head. Changing from the clothes I no longer felt comfortable in, I pulled out some orange pajama pants and a white long-sleeved shirt. Slipping them on, I pulled the soft white covers out from the neat position I had put them in earlier. I flicked off the light switch and cozied myself in my bed. The covers wove around my body like a plush cloud. It all was too much for me. I soon found myself sleepily knocking at the door that led to me rest, and let myself in.
_
I woke up with a fuzzy head and a heavy body. My thoughts had prevented a good night's sleep for me. Unfortunately I was already running late. I brushed through my hair, and threw on a pair of yellow jeans. I left my long-sleeved shirt on and just slung over it a red leather jacket. Lastly I slipped on some white sneakers and bolted through the door.
I ran to the car that was already vibrating with life, my mother and Christopher already in it. As I entered the back seat, he passed me a chocolate-chip muffin. These, on the other hand, I loved. They didn't have the strange taste to them like the bread did. I found it strange, but always decided not to care.
We rushed towards the choosing ceremony. I could hear my mother singing faintly to the music emitting from the car. It usually soothed me, but right now I found it to be quite annoying. I had no idea what I was going to choose. It was not easy to focus when my mother's soft voice kept coaxing my attention.
I wonder if my brother is facing the same war I am right now. No, he couldn't be. My brother is an obvious pick. Always looking out for others, throwing a smile on his face and carrying the light, carefree attitude the Amity were known for. I couldn't picture him in black, blue, or grey. The bright colors he wore now were fitting enough for his beautiful personality. It will be painful to leave it behind.
_
We sat in the amity section, conversation roaring around us as members of each faction arrived. Thankfully we had gotten there on time, but late enough to save us the wait.
Jeanine Matthews, a blonde-headed Erudite with a striking sense of knowledge, stood in the center of the stage. All attention was on her. She carried on her speech of how the factions were formed and what each one stood for.
"The future belongs to those who know where they belong"
The words struck me like a belt. Do I know where I belong? I felt my heart sink low into my stomach. No, I do not think I do.
Next, Marcus Eaton, an abnegation government leader appeared. He began to call names. Hearing each person called, I began to shake. It first started in my hands but then spread throughout my body. As my name neared, I was now numb. Scared out of my mind, I knew I would have to decide soon.
The first person to transfer was a candor boy. He had chosen Erudite. I looked at his parents, who I only identified by their tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Was I really going to leave my family like he had, with only their tears to remember him by?
"Christopher Nicholas"
My heart stopped. My brother stood up, his usual smile still resting on his face, and started down the steps towards the stage. He casually walked up and slit his hand. I was too far away to see the blood, but I could feel it like a drip of sweat oozing down my neck.
At least my mom would have him.
"Abnegation"
I heard Marcus's words like a bullet in my brain. Claps were heard quietly afterwards. I tried to imagine my brother in all grey. No skin showing, and a blank expression on his usually glowing face. I pictured him passing food out to the factionless and helping the elderly among the city. Not looking in any mirrors, not speaking at the dinner table, nothing self-indulgent. This is the life my brother has chosen for himself.
My mother reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze. I looked at her. She turned to me and smiled.
"Do not weigh yourself down for your brother, and especially not for me", she whispered.
Nothing could change my mind now. Whatever I would choose, it would not be Amity.
"Sarah Nicholas"
I stood up. Any fear I had during the aptitude test was nothing compared to the thumping of my heart now. I felt as if a thousand eyes were on me, probably because they were. I breathed in slowly as I made my way towards the stage. I felt as if my insides could fling out of my mouth at any moment. I must choose now.
I took the knife from Marcus and brought it to my hand. I sliced it open, letting the blood slip from the cut. I lifted my hand above the bowls. They sat on the table like five silent sides of me. Each one portrayed a life that I could begin at any moment.
It is time.
I moved my hand over one of the bowls. I let a drop of blood fall, hearing the sizzling of coals as it carried me to a new world.
"Dauntless"
I do know the answer to my question.
Yes.
I am brave.
Hey everyone! I am trying to upload as much as I can in this little amount of time. I hope whoever reads this enjoyed the second chapter. The third one will be up soon as well. Thank you for reading (: - Sarah
