Faust's Notes

Prepare to cry like you never cried before! D:

Also, no fan art. I'm lazy at the moment. Thank you for the wonderful and…somewhat threatening reviews. I'm not pointing any fingers. cough Bonzodog Cough XD

Thank you "Bells of Tomorrow" for pointing out that error. My Mistake! DX

This chapter is not that funny. Infact, it's terribly sad. CRY!

Enjoy!

Pairing: JDCox

"Because he's dead."

It felt like all of the air was sucked out of the atmosphere. I laughed nervously to lighten the mood.

"That's a pretty half-assed joke."

The Janitor's face remained the same, with genuine pity filling his eyes. Before he could say anything else, I sprinted blindly down the corridor.

"I'm sorry!" He apologetically yelled after me.

The hallways became fuzzy and endless. I was desperately trying to find a way out so that I could breathe. Random faces appeared in my line of vision and then vanished. Millions of names ran through my head, but I couldn't place even one. "It's not true...it can't be...it's all just some cruel joke." All my senses were failing me. I couldn't see, smell, taste, hear, blink, breathe or swallow. I felt nothing. All I could do was run around the hospital like a madman until I bumped into someone. Luckily, I finally recognized someone; the person I had run smack into had been Carla.

She looked up at me and I noticed that her beautiful dark eyes were bright red and puffy, as if she had been crying. My worst fears were confirmed by Carla's face.

"J-JD..." she sobbed."Doctor Cox is...dead!"

A fresh wave of tears dribbled down her face. My whole world crashed down around me. My Mentor. My crush. Was dead. All I was conscious of was that there was light...and then...nothing.

--

When I woke up I found myself alone, lying on a hospital bed with an IV in my left arm. Was I dead?

"No." A little voice rang in the back of my head. "That would be too easy."

The previous events of what occurred all came rushing back to me. Dr. Cox was dead. I didn't even get to tell him how much he meant to me. How much I loved him.

I lie in the bed wondering, "Why?!" "How!?" I didn't have enough strength to get up. I was curious to know how long I was passed out. My hand weakly reached down to the side of the bed and I pressed the "call nurse" button. A woman who looked vaguely familiar and was wearing floral scrubs hurriedly entered the room.

"Are you okay, Dr. Dorian?"

"No, I...yes. I'm fine."

Her question was referring to my physical state, not my mental. I slowly sat up, swung both feet over and planted them on the ground.

"Careful, Dr. Cox isn't going to catch you this time if you fall."

Tears that I had been fighting to keep back overflowed and spilled down my face and started to dot my jeans.

"Oh, Dr. Dorian..." the nurse cooed as she moved to help me.

"No!" I shot out. "I can do this all on my own."

"You're no superman." she reminded me.

No, but he was.

I carefully stood up and took out my IV. "Please get Carla." I begged. There must have been a lot of emotion in those words because the nurse's eyes began to water and she quickly rushed off to fulfill my request.

"Now what?" I wondered as I gazed out of the window. The golden sun was peaking over the horizon. I figured that I had arrived at the hospital around 9 at night and now it was morning. I began to cautiously pace the room, determining that it was okay to walk.

Carla entered the room and hugged me from behind. She cried into the back of my jacket, soaking it with her tears. I thought that I was done crying, but now more tears gushed out. My heart was already ripped in two, but hearing her cry of anguish tore it into bits. After sometime, we couldn't produce anymore tears.

"B-bambi..." Carla gave a muffled sob.

I didn't bother to dry my eyes as I turned to face her. She looked miserable with her hair frazzled everywhere and her makeup smudged all over her face with mascara trailing down her face.

"I hope it dosen't stain my jacket."

"You look horrible..." she sniffed while tucking in a loose hair behind my ear.

"Look who's talking." I mumble back.

Silence filled the room for awhile before I finally asked the question I had been dreading.

"How did he...die?..."

I guessed that he accidentally took pills with alcohol, or that someone had murdered him. I wondered if there was someway I could prevent it somehow.

"He was in a car accident. He was killed by a drunken driver."

"The irony of that."

She recollected herself and continued. "It happened really close to the hospital, he was closer to your apartment though." My heart dropped into my stomach. He had never stood me up; he was driving towards my apartment the whole time. My legs gave out from under me. Luckily, I was close enough by my hospital bed to catch myself on it.

"JD!" Carla exclaimed, worriedly.

"I'm fine." I reassured her.

My words sounded dead to my ears. Carla dabbed her eyes and sat down with me on the bed before continuing.

"Since the accident took so close to you, we thought you would be one of the first there. When we figured that you weren't in the ambulance, we tried to get a hold of you, but you weren't answering!"

I remembered that my cell phone died and I had turned off my pager, becoming unreachable to the outside world. I mentally kicked myself for misplacing the chargers. I tried to compose myself so I wouldn't have another crying spell. I couldn't take much more of this before I broke.

"What...what street? What street did..." I searched for the right words. "...all of this...happen?"

Carla folded her hands in her lap and stared down at them.

"Elm Street."

That was the main road between my apartment and the hospital. "How did I miss that?" Memories of me walking to the hospital flowed through my mind. I didn't miss it. I walked right through it. Earlier my mind wouldn't even fathom the idea that my Mentor was only a few feet away from me. The bright, flashing lights and ear-piercing siren sounds filled my ears while I recalled the memory. It was my obligation as a doctor to help and I blew it off in search of the man who, at the time, needed a doctor the most. The multi-colored lights would not leave my vision and the sirens volume steadily increased. The room began to spin, and I had no clue what was going on. Carla's lips were moving, but I couldn't hear her, or anything in that matter, over the alarms in my head. My doctor side took over and I realized that I was hyperventilating. I tried to take control over my body, but my mind wouldn't let me. My thoughts were screaming at me and suffocating me.

"ITS ALL YOUR FAULT HES DEAD!" "MAYBE IF YOU WOULDN'T BE SUCH A WUSS AND CONFESS, HE WOULDNT BE GONE." "IF YOU WERN'T SO SELFABSORBED IN YOUR EMOTIONS YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HIM!" "IF YOU HAD BEEN THERE, HE WOULDN'T BE GONE!" "HE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!"

Carla went into nurse mode and did what she though was best.

She smacked me across the face. Hard.

Her tear-filled eyes were full of fiery passion and her voice was deep and dead serious.

"You listen to me. And you listen to me good. I know what is going through your mind right now and let me tell you this. You are wrong. Don't you DARE go and blame yourself for not being able to save him. There's nothing you could have done."

She walked out, leaving me with a stunned face and a hand caressing my stinging cheek.

Carla thought that she knew best but...she didn't know that I COULD have done something. I could have done a lot of things.

--

I decided to visit the morgue. I wanted to see him one last time before they shipped him off somewhere. I hesitated at the handle of the door that had the letters "Morgue" displayed across it. The horrid stench of the dead filled my nostrils when I entered the room. You never forget the smell of death. It was one of the worst smells in the world.

I noticed Doug hovering over a body and I walked over to him.

"Hey, Doug..." I started.

He jumped upon me announcing my presence.

"Ahh!...JD? Aww...don't scare me man. I still think that he's gonna come back to life any minute and strangle me." He took out his cherry-flavored lollipop and motioned with it towards a body. His body.

I carefully made my way over to it and my breath was caught in my throat when I slowly took in what I saw. I almost didn't recognize it at first, until I saw the fiery orange curls that I so desperately wanted to run my fingers through. His face was badly bruised and his body was mangled and contorted. I was thankful that the black body bag covered up below his abdomen, seeing as the injuries became worse the lower it got.

"I had already bagged him a little while ago...but people kept coming in to see him, so I just finally left him out." Doug explained.

I tenderly brushed my finger over his jaw line, savoring the last feeling of his rough face against my fingertips.

"Bulletproof my ass."

I looked over my shoulder and noticed that Doug had given me some space. He was busily writing information on some tags.

I returned my gaze back at Dr. Cox. I had been holding back more tears, but finally a drop fell and landed on his left cheek. "Sorry." I sniffed as I carefully wiped his face with my hand, batting away the tear with my fingers. "You know," I whispered to him, "I had promised myself not to cry in front of you. It's silly because you were the one who made me cry the most." I started to lazily trace patterns on his skin.

"I don't think an apology card covers death." I weakly joke.

I could imagine him growling at me for my lame attempt at humor. "I just have to say that...I'm sorry. I sorry I couldn't say what I needed to. Now, because I am such a coward, you're dead." Numerous drops fell from my eyes and landed on him. I didn't even bother wiping it off as I leaned over him. I guess I could say it now since he was dead. I took his cold face into my hands and wept,

"I...I love you."

I was half-expecting him to reply to my confession. Nothing. Slowly, I brought my tear-streaked face closer to his and leaned in to place my wet lips on his.

"Hey. JD. I know that you knew the guy, but I gotta put him up." Doug interrupted from behind me.

"Uh...err...yeah." I stuttered. "You wimp! You can't even take chances when he's dead."

I longingly looked on at the missed opportunity as Doug closed the bag and shut the door. Now I will never get to taste him. I had lost that chance too.

--3 Days Later--

There had been a small funeral arranged. It reminded me of Ben's funeral. Nothing fancy. Defiantly not in a church. Everyone settled with twenty odd chairs set up outside in the graveyard around his coffin. It wasn't open casket because of the damaged body, so the conversation I had with him –or myself. Depends on how you look at it. - had really been our final farewell.

Previous to the funeral, Carla and Turk burst into my apartment to find me moping around with no clue of what day it was. They had already both been pissed when I hadn't shown up to work the past couple days. Carla received a day off and offered to mourn with me, but I just wanted to spend it alone.

Here I was, surrounded by people who cared for the man who acted like a heartless bastard to everyone. We all filed into seats in the front row and Elliot sat one row behind us. "You gonna cry, Bambi?" Carla gently asked. "Yeah."

"…I don't think I can anymore."

Carla offered me a bottle of water that she had smartly brought with her. I politely refused, but she still handed it to me anyway. Within seconds I had guzzled it down out of dehydration. She smiled weakly and pulled out a second one from her purse.

The ceremony began and to our surprise, more people continually began to show up. We recognized people from the hospital and the chairs soon filled up. People were sitting, standing, and kneeling. I never imagined that he would receive this much respect, even after he was gone. I thought it would stop here, but soon patients he had treated started to arrive. Even Kelso was here. All around me, I could see how the older doctor had affected our lives, and the more he affected us when he was living, the more we were hurt by his death.

Elliot was profusely crying from the start. Her face was a mess from her freshly applied makeup smeared all over her. Carla and many others teared up at first, but then finally let it loose. The sobbing grew occasionally louder at times, but then quieted down. Turk, Jordan, the Janitor and Kelso kept their stony faces on and looked very remorseful. As for me? I was devoid of any emotions. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was surprised when I felt wetness on my face. The ceremony was over and hundreds of people filed into lines to say one final goodbye to the coffin. I promptly stood up, wiped my face, and started to walk over to somebody.

"JD! Where are you going?" Carla called after me.

I ignored her and continued on until I was in front of Bob Kelso.

"Dr. Kelso, Sir?"

He looked at me, as if he was confirming something about me in his mind. "Yes, Dr. Dorian?"

I cleared my throat before announcing, "I am taking all of my vacation time starting tomorrow." Surprisingly, he just tiredly nodded his head. "It's going to be hard to manage with the two best doctors gone, but I guess it will be alright."

Not even Kelso's admittance to our skills fazed me. I just kept on a straight face and thanked him.

"Thank you, sir."

I excused myself and stared to exit the graveyard, but stopped in front of Ben's grave. "Don't torture him to much in there." I told the gravestone. "Tell Dr. Cox I said, "Hi." I then started my long walk back to my empty apartment.

Dr. Cox's POV

I was lying on my sofa; drinking scotch and surfing rough the stations for any good games. There was none on at the moment. It didn't really matter anyways because my mind was wandering to last night when me and Newbie went out for drinks.

--Previous night--

"Hey Dr. Cox, wanna go grab a drink?"

I was amazed at Newbie's courage to ask me for drinks and I was even more amazed at my answer.

"Sure, why not Newbie?"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the kid giddily smiling as we walked to my car. I wondered if he remembered the "Root Beer" incident, and I reminded him that he still did not earn back the front seat privileges.

"Where do you think you're going, Lucy?" I pointed my thumb towards the backseats. "It's still the back for you."

--

It surprisingly wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. A drunken Newbie was just…well, adorable. He went full out with the alcohol, oblivious to how much I was actually drinking. I wasn't going to drink that much because I knew I had to drive him home too. I never imagined that Newbie would get this drunk. He started to slur his words and the sight was downright hilarious. I was trying really hard to keep a smile off my face, but eventually I gave up and I decided to not hide my emotions anymore. We exchanged some kind of drunken conversation and I vaguely remembered that Shelia actually giggled once.

I remembered that he wanted to tell me something, but things kept on interrupting him. (Which I found funny.) I smirked to myself as I recalled Newbie almost falling out of his barstool and tripping upstairs and almost falling if I hadn't caught him. He faintly smelled like coconut.

--

"I...have ta say...sum thin'...now."

He said those words with such intensity, that I was forced to listen. A slight tinge of pink covered his face which was dangerously close to mine. He looked lost in my eyes, so I encouraged him. "Yes, JD?" I had used his name. It had felt good.

"I...I...I have to throw up."

He then let go of my coat and clumsily ran out of the bar. "Awww…great." I mutter, angrily. I stepped out into the cool night and squinted my eyes in search for the young doctor. It was too dark to see that far, so I pricked my ears and listened attentively for any kind of sounds. I heard a noise coming from behind the building and I stalked over there in hope to find the younger doctor. Luckily, I found him with his head against the wall. I hesitated, and then patted his back soothingly.

"You okay, Newbie?"

He waited a bit before responding. "Yeah, I'm fine."

The sun hadn't risen yet, but I suspected that we could make it to the car in the dark. "Come on; let's get you to the car."

"How am I gonna get him there?" I thought.

I settled with putting my right arm under his and wrapping my arm around his skinny waist. I swung his other arm over my shoulder for more support and instinctively, my hand laced its fingers in between his. I tried to focus on something other than his thin pale hand entwined with mine, so I concentrated on remembering where I parked. "I think he fell asleep on me."

I eventually found it and I gently placed a sleeping Newbie into the passenger seat and strapped him in. The ride to his apartment had been uneventful. When we arrived I opened the passenger's door and was ready to wake him up, but something just stopped me. He looked so…cute. He was snuggled up against the leather that I had oh-so-desperately tried to get all of the root beer off of. He looked so…angelic. As if all of the world's troubles were lifted off of this doctor's shoulders. I shook my head at that last thought and decided to just take him up there without waking him. I found his apartment keys in his pants pocket and I carefully slid him out. He was extremely light and it didn't take much difficulty to get him through his front door. I spotted his couch and determined that that would be the best place to leave him.

After I laid him down, he scrunched up his face, but then relaxed against the cushions. I thought he was sound asleep, and was surprised when I heard Newbie sleepily murmur, "Thank you, Dr. Cox..." I bent down and whispered in his ear, "Your welcome." A lazy smile graced his features and his ear turned slightly pink after the spoken words. I deemed that he truly was sleeping this time and I prepared to leave, but not before doing some things.

I grabbed a garbage can and found a sticky note pad. "Just in case." Was the message I scribbled on it. He was going to have a killer headache when he woke up. Newbie actually shivered in his sleep, so I brought out a blanket I found in his room and placed it over him. I wrote one last message and stuck the note on him. "I wonder how long it takes for him to notice this one." I mused to myself. I stood up and soundlessly closed the door. Before I let go of the handle, I voiced, more so to myself,

"Goodnight, Newbie."

I was exhausted when I finally reached my apartment. I didn't even bother to remove my clothes; I just collapsed on my bed and was out before my head even hit the pillow.

I woke up at around 2:15 p.m. "I really slept for 10 hours!?" I ambled boredly around my apartment for a couple hours and settled with sitting in front of my big screen TV with scotch in hand and now I was still surfing through the stations to find a game. "Stupid television with no games on." I mutter while downing my glass. I stood up to refill my glass and my cell rang. I saw that Newbie was calling me. I amusingly answered it, happy to have a distraction.

"I see that someone finally woke up from their beauty sleep."

"Doctor Cox! No time!" He interrupted, sounding urgent. I decided to ignore it and teased him.

"Well Sadie, aren't you chipper this morning? I thought we had a "no calling" rule too. You've been breaking all the rules lately. One more strike and I'm gonna hafta punish you."

"Maybe he's finally going to tell me what's so important." I think to myself. I hear him inhale loudly before shouting, "Doctor Cox! I lov-"

Silence accompanied his voice. I look oddly at my phone. It was fine. Maybe he lost his signal? I waited a couple minutes before trying to call back, so it wouldn't seem that I was interested or anything. It went right to his voicemail. "That's odd."

My pager buzzed at my side. I hurriedly snatched it and saw the message, "Hav 2 say sum thing importnt. Plz com ovr." "Who does he think he is?" I snort. "I could be doing something really important at the moment. Not that I am. But I could."

I angrily sigh as I felt mixed emotions. I wanted to know what was going on. What was so important, that he had to say? I rubbed my hands over my face before deciding to go. Not before waiting though. I can't make it seem like I was actually eager to go over there. I waited around my apartment for about 45 minutes until I assured myself that that was enough time to keep him waiting. He would always wait for me. No matter how long I took.

I coasted down the highway, with my mind swimming about what he was going to tell me. I recognized the street name, "Elm" and turned onto there. He hit a red light and patiently waited while drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. "Newbie left his scooter at the hospital. I wonder how he's going to get there. Probably walk because he lives so close."

The light turned green and I pushed my foot against the accelerator pedal. The coast was clear. While I was crossing a highway, a truck came out of nowhere, speeding through the red light and straight towards me…

EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

My tires spun wildly out of control as I attempted to move my Porsche out of harms way. CRASH!

I felt the impact and all of the air was crushed out of my lungs. My ears were ringing, and I had no idea what my condition was. I assumed that my body had gone into shock. Darkness soon consumed me.

When I woke up, I couldn't move. My Porsche had flipped over and I was trapped under it. I had no clue how long I had been under here. "Where were those damn ambulances when you needed them?" I became aware that it had become difficult to breathe. A warm liquid trailed down my face and I blinked furiously to try to keep it out of my eyes. "Where was everybody?" I could see a little bit of the street through my shattered window. There were people crowding around, but there was no one I recognized. I made the mistake of looking down. I mentally winced at the sight of my legs. Or what was left of them. I focused on staying conscious and breathing. "Help will come." I reminded myself. "Why wasn't there any doctors in the crowd?!" The familiar flash of ambulance lights reflected off of the ground. "Finally." It had become increasingly harder to breathe. I stuck with deep, large breaths, but it was becoming a chore. Black spots started to spread in my vision. "No! Dammit! Stay awake!"

Someone walked among the crowd who caught my eye. It was JD. His face was tear-streaked, and he walked like he was in a daze. I mentally cursed at myself. He probably thought that I wasn't going to come. He didn't see me, so I tried to get his attention.

"J-" I began to yell, but instead of sound, crimson blood came spilling out of my mouth. I coughed, but it still kept coming. The black spots had covered most of my vision, but from what I could see; JD stopped and looked like he was pondering something. Maybe he heard me? He then shrugged and sighed and moved on, out of my sight. I couldn't breathe any longer and I finally closed my eyes, welcoming the darkness as I slowly slipped away…..

"...I'm...S-sorry..."

--

When I woke up, all of the pressure on my body was lifted. In fact, I felt weightless. I blinked a couple times and noticed a face hovering over mine.

"Hiya!"

"Oh God. Not you."

Faust's Notes

Well…? Whatcha think? Did you cry? Tell me if you cried, cause then I will cry more too!

Oh! BTW, I love when people review and they tell me their favorite parts or lines! That makes me so happy! :D Please continue to do so! Dunno when I'll update. Maybe in a week. Sounds fair? Kay. I'm gonna focus on my art now.