One year later
Alexandra stared down at the black dress that was spread out on her bed. Once upon a time she would have noticed the fabric that the dress was made out of, the style of the waist and the way the skirt was supposed to sit but now all she could see was a black dress. It looked just like every other black dress that hung in her wardrobe, the ones that she had been wearing every day for the past year. Twisting her wedding rings around her finger she realised that it was time to stop being simply Joseph Dutton's widow and start being Alexandra again. She still felt the pain of Joseph's loss, although it had lessened over time and she didn't think it would completely leave her. Nor did she want it to. But she felt ready to start moving on with her life.
The first step was to stop wearing the black dresses that signified her widowhood. Picking up the black dress she hung it away and pushing aside all the black dresses that seemed to dominate her wardrobe, she started sorting through her other dresses. She still wanted to wear something dark, for she wasn't quite ready for the light coloured dresses that were considered fashionable at the moment, and settled on a dark forest green one. Once she was dressed she pulled all but one of her black dresses from the wardrobe and placed them on the bed, intending to ask one of the maids to pack them away. She didn't want them to continue hanging in her wardrobe, haunting her with their meaning. Feeling as though a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders with that decision, Alexandra headed downstairs to join her family for breakfast.
The grey and wet weather that had occurred between the day of Joseph's death and the day of his funeral had returned the day afterwards, blanketing the area for the next week. The sky was almost black and it rained constantly, turning the roads into rivers of mud. This meant that whilst Alexandra's brother and sister arrived as expected, their families were delayed, no one wanting to subject the children to travel in those conditions. The weather turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as it meant that that the children did not have to see their aunt suffering in her grief.
Alexandra thought that once Joseph's funeral had passed the strongest of her grief would be over. She believed that the night he died, when she cried alone in their bed, was to be the worst of it. But that was not to be the case, and the days following Joseph's funeral were almost unbearable. She hadn't known that it was possible to feel so devastated and to mourn so deeply that it felt like she would never escape it.
Planning the funeral and the move back to her parents' home had been somewhat of a distraction for Alexandra in the days after Joseph had died and she hadn't had the time to sit down and really consider what had occurred. Someone always had a question for her or there was something that needed to be done. But when she woke up in her old bed the morning after the funeral and realised there was nothing that she needed to do she could no longer escape from the reality of her situation.
She couldn't stop the sobs that escaped from her and she could barely stand the agony of it all. She felt certain that she would die from the grief that welled up within her and that she would never be able to cry enough to let it all out. In desperation she tried to distract herself, reading, embroidery, anything to take her mind off her loss. But it didn't work, for in her heart she knew that it didn't need to be done, unlike Joseph's funeral and arranging her move, and as a result her mind would wander back to what she had lost. At one point her siblings started to worry for her health and wondered whether they should call a doctor to prescribe something to calm her down. But her parents knew that she simply needed time.
And they were right. Alexandra survived the first few weeks, coming out the other side feeling somewhat older and looking somewhat thinner, much to her mother's despair, for she had always worried about her tiny eldest daughter. No longer did she spend hours crying and she made a point to take a walk in the grounds each day. The arrival of her nieces and nephews certainly lifted her spirits and Charles wondered whether they had done the right thing in not sending for their families sooner, despite the slight discomfort the children may have suffered travelling in the poor weather.
Eventually a month had passed, and Elizabeth and Charles and their families needed to return to their own homes. Naturally it was a sad parting and they all thought back to the last time they had been together the previous Christmas, when Alexandra and Joseph had joined her siblings as they all left the Eames home to return to their own homes. But this time the memory of Joseph haunted them all and Alexandra remained behind with her parents. Still there were smiles all around as the family made plans to reunite soon and the children excitedly talked about what they were going to do when they got home.
It was about a month later that Alexandra received a letter from Peter, informing her that he and his parents would be visiting. He explained that his mother was still having trouble coping with Joseph's death, although she had improved and felt ready to pay a visit to her daughter in law. Although Peter hadn't gone into detail about his mother's condition, Margaret Eames knew what he was speaking of and worried about the impact that this visit could have on her daughter.
However she needn't have worried, for Peter and his father ensured that Mrs Dutton was thoroughly prepared for the visit and whilst tears were shed, neither woman cried more than would be expected at such a meeting. But despite the opportunity the visit gave her to share her grief with the one person who was perhaps suffering as much as she was, Alexandra knew that it would be the last time she saw Joseph's parents. She had never been close to either of them and any friendship that they shared had merely been out of necessity. Perhaps if she and Joseph had had a family their relationship would have been different, but with Joseph gone, there was no reason to continue the relationship.
The Duttons would never completely leave her life and Peter extracted a promise from her that they would continue to write each other. But as their carriage pulled away Alexandra knew that that chapter of her life was starting to close. In a way it actually helped her to get over another small part of her grief, knowing that there was going to be one less reminder in her life of what she had lost.
And those past months of grief and tears had gradually led to this day, where Alexandra felt that she was truly able to start moving on with her life. She didn't realise it yet, but in some ways she had already started. She had started doing volunteer work with the village parish, visiting local women who had also been recently widowed, providing baskets of food and clothing and arranging local tradesmen to make repairs on their properties. She had also started to think vaguely about her future, recognising that however she had imagined her life with Joseph, it was not going to be like that anymore. But she tried not to let herself get too caught up in thoughts of what she had lost, instead trying to focus on what she still had, her family and their friends.
When she joined her parents at the breakfast table they immediately noticed the small amount of colour that she had added to her outfit and exchanged hopeful smiles at the sign of their daughter slowly leaving her grief behind. Knowing that Alexandra wouldn't want any fuss to be made, they didn't say anything, although Mrs Eames planned to immediately write to her other children to tell them of their sister's progress.
"Do you still want to come with me to visit the Bensons?" Mr Eames asked Alexandra, putting down his tea cup.
Alexandra nodded, swallowing her mouthful of breakfast. "Yes. When did you want to leave?"
"I have some letters to write first, but I should be ready to leave in about an hour," he replied. Turning his attention to his wife he asked, "Margaret, are you sure you wouldn't like to come?"
"I'm sure," Mrs Eames confirmed. "But give my love to Olivia and Edward."
"Of course Mama," Alexandra answered, before finishing the last of her tea.
"Alright. Alexandra could you please speak to Lake and have him arrange the carriage for us?" Seeing Alexandra's nod of acknowledgement, Jonathon then excused himself from the table.
As planned, an hour later Alexandra and her father were in the carriage on their way to the Bensons.
Edward Benson, and his daughter Olivia, had been close friends of the Eames family for as long as Alexandra could remember. Despite Edward's good reputation in the London business community, there were frequently rumours about the small family, which unfortunately had a basis in reality, and they were often sneered at by those who didn't know them. However Edward's business dealings meant that they were able to live in extreme comfort and their group of friends and the local families in the area who knew them knew that they were good people who did not deserve the misfortune that had occurred in their lives.
When Edward Benson had married Serena Burns quite suddenly, no one had given the matter much though, as the couple had been courting for some months and it was known that an engagement was imminent. When Olivia was born just over seven months later, everyone gave each other knowing looks, as they thought they had discovered the reason for the rushed marriage. No one ever considered that Edward was not Olivia's real father and it was only a select group that was close to the family that knew the truth.
It was true that Edward and Serena had been courting and Edward had spoken to her father about marriage. But one night whilst the young couple were attending a party with their families Serena was cornered by a strange man in a room away from the rest of the party and was violently assaulted. Once people saw the cuts and bruises that covered her face and arms no one ever considered that Serena had gone with the man freely and her virtue was never questioned. Instead they believed that it was a random attack by a violent, unstable man who Serena had interrupted when he was attempting to burgle the house.
In the weeks following the attack, Serena was understandable quiet and rarely left her home. But just over a month after the attack Serena had a nervous breakdown and the truth about her attack became obvious to those around her. She was pregnant. Her attacker had not only assaulted her, but he had raped her as well. In a move that surprised everyone, most of all Serena, Edward had immediately proposed saying that if they married straight away he could claim the child as his own.
There was little that Serena could do but say yes and just over a week later they were married. But in spite of the efforts of her loving husband, and later her young daughter, she never truly recovered from the attack. As Olivia grew older, Serena turned to alcohol to ease her pain and Edward frequently had to carry his insensible wife to her bed. Discretion was a key attribute required in all the servants in the Benson household and anyone who demonstrated even the slightest inclination for gossip would be sent on their way.
It finally ended when Olivia was fifteen and Serena, in a drunken stupor, fell down the stairs, instantly killing herself. Even if there hadn't already been rumours about Serena Benson's behaviour, for she frequently appeared intoxicated at parties and dinners, her death resulted in much unwanted attention being paid to the remaining Bensons.
Between the treatment she received from a mother who could not forget the circumstances of her conception and the gossip that she was subject to from the moment she came out in society, Olivia had grown into a strong woman who frequently behaved in ways that were not entirely lady-like but were otherwise considered admirable. It was one of the things that Alexandra loved most about her dearest friend.
"You've stopped wearing black." Was the first thing that Olivia said once their fathers had left the room.
"I have," Alexandra replied, looking down at her skirt and smoothing out an invisible wrinkle.
"So what does it mean?"
"It means that I've stopped wearing black," she answered simply.
"And you are sure you are ready for this?" Olivia asked, concerned for her friend.
"I'm ready to start," Alexandra said cautiously. "I looked into my wardrobe this morning and couldn't stand the thought of wearing one of those black dresses again. I think that means that I am ready. I am getting there Olivia. Slowly, but I will get there."
"I'm glad," Olivia smiled. "You might not be able to see it, but you have seemed more...content, in recent weeks."
"I am more content. I've started to come to terms with what has happened. Joseph is dead; my life will never be what I thought it was going to be. But that doesn't mean I can't have a good life. I have my family and the children, and you of course." Alexandra reached across to pat Olivia's hand.
"But what about a family of your own?" Olivia asked. "I know that it doesn't feel like it now, but you are young, you will be able to marry again and have children."
"No," Alexandra shook her head slowly. "Joseph was my chance for love and a family and I had three wonderful years with him. But I have accepted that I wasn't meant to have a life-long companion, or children, and I am alright with that."
"You're being foolish," Olivia scolded, smiling to ease the sting of her words. "It's only been a year, of course you wouldn't think of marrying another so soon. But you are not meant to go through life alone Alexandra."
"I'm not saying that I'll take orders and become a nun," Alexandra replied. "I know that I'll never be alone. I'm simply saying that I cannot imagine feeling like I did with Joseph again or marrying again."
"But if the right man came into your life?"
"I have not completely closed my mind to the possibility, but I am doubtful it will happen. Perhaps when I am older and Elizabeth's and Charles's children are grown," she suggested.
"It is too soon for you to be giving any serious thought to this matter," Olivia decided, despairing at the thought of Alexandra waiting twenty years to marry an old widower. "In a few years perhaps. But promise me that if you do meet someone you won't deny yourself the chance."
"I promise," Alexandra replied dutifully. "But he would have to be a very special man and what are the chances of someone like that coming to Hertfordshire?"
