Matchmaking Ichimaru Style

Disclaimer: I own nothing!


Kira was once asked by a new recruit into squad three what he feared seeing most. Kira had readily answered that the sight he feared most was seeing his captain with Vice-captain kusajishi Yachiru. The recruit had been confused, enquiring how that could possibly be more scary then the sudden appearance of a Menos or something. Kira's explanation had been simple, "If you see a Menos, you know you will die unless you can defeat it. But only Kami-sama knows what mischief is in the works when the Captain and Yachiru get together."

"Ken-chan let me borrow half the squad for this," Yachiru told Ichimaru as the two of them sat cross legged on the ground in front of a table groaning with sweets, all of which was for Yachiru, "He would have sent the whole squad but then you would have to fight him."

"Don' know why Cap'n Eleven want's ta fight weak ol' me," said Ichimaru with a wicked grin.

"You can't fool Ken-chan," Yachiru told him, "He knows you are pretty strong and he want to cut you up when you are in bankai!"

"But I like my body uncut!" protested Ichimaru.

"Foxy is so selfish!" cried Yachiru, "Ken-chan would have so much fun cutting Foxy up!"

Ichimaru pouted, "But it wouldn't be very fun for me!"

About then, Kira knocked, "Please forgive me for disturbing you, captain, but Vice-captain Omaeda is here with the paperwork for the joint training session."

"Yay! More people for our party!" cried Yachiru as she threw the door open and pulled Kira and Omaeda in, "Let's all eat together! But you can't have any sweets, they are all for me!"

"But there is nothing here but sweets!" pointed out Omaeda.

"Really?" said Yachiru, just realising that there were only sweets, "Well then you can have some sweets!"

"Captain Soifon wanted to clarify what kind of training you wanted her to give Kira," said Omaeda, helping himself to a sweet bun.

"Ha!" exclaimed Kira.

"O yeah, I forgot ta tell ya," said Ichimaru cheerfully, "Yer gonna be sparring with Captain Soifon. Which," he added turning to Omaeda, "I want 'er ta do. An everything goes short of bankai sparr'n. She wins if she get's her Hōmonka on him twice, different place of course, and Izuru wins if he managed to get her head in Wabisuke's hook."

"Hah!" cried Omaeda, "How long do you expect Kira will last?"

"O he's gonna win. In fact he's gonna beat 'er into the ground and leave her totally and utterly helpless. So helpless that she could be felt up in a totally perverted way by third seat Enjōji of the eight squad and she won't be able ta do anything to stop 'im, even if he steals her panty!" said Ichimaru with supream confidence, "In fact, that's why I invited Enjoji-kun ta come watch!"

"What!" screamed Omaeda and Kira.

"But Tatsufusa Enjōji is a real pervert," exclaimed Omaeda, "He might... no he would really get off at watching the Captain beat someone up! I mean, of course the captain is going to win."

"Nope! She's gonna lose," Ichimaru assured Omaeda, "Ya can tell 'er I said that too! In fact, let's make a bet. If Captain two loses she has ta hand over 'er panties ta Enjōji-kun and have dinner with me, Yachiru and Izuru and not just eat and run either. She has ta stay till at least midnight, Cap'n Eleven get's mad if I keep Yachiru up after midnight, ya see."

"No! Let's make it that Soi-chan has to stay all night!" said Yachiru, "I'll ask Ken-chan permission and stay over here for the night. We'll have a slumber party! I'll even do Soi-chan and Izurun's hair up all pretty with ribbons and flowers! And I'll borrow Ran-chan's make-up and really doll-up Izurun and Soi-chan."

"How is that suppose to be motivation for me to win?" wondered Kira.

"It's motivation. Cause if ya lose, I'll make ya pose naked for the drawing club and I'll make ya eat nothing but hoshigaki for a month!" Ichimaru informed him.

"Captain isn't this a little unfair," protested Kira.

"Since when have I been fair?" wondered Ichimaru.

To that Kira could not offer a response. "So what does Captain Soifon get if she agrees to this ridiculous bet that's more then a little perverted?" wondered Omaeda.

"I'll be 'er slave fer a month," replied Ichimaru, "An' she can do whatever she want' with me. Whatever she want," he emphasised somewhat suggestively.

"Ran-chan is going to kill you slowly and painfully," whispered Yachiru just loud enough for Ichimaru to hear off-handedly as she took a sip of her juice. Ichimaru just grinned.

"Fine, I'll bring your proposal to the captain," said Omaeda, "Heh, this is going to be interesting."


Later that day a hell butterfly arrived in squad three that Kira too, "What does it say, Izuru?" wondered Ichimaru.

"No Enjōji and no handing over panties. Other then that I accept your challenge," repeated Kira.

Ichimaru pouted, "Capt'n Two is no fun! A well, at least I won't have to invite Enjōji-kun."

"Wait! Didn't you invite him already? That's the impression you gave earlier," said Kira.

"Did I?" wondered Ichimaru, "Whatever, Enjōji-kun is no fun unless I can make 'em faint from a gushing nosebleed. No Cap'n Two panties, no bleed'n faint'n Enjōji-kun."

"Ah, captain," started Kira.

"Hmm..."

"You know the chances of me winning against Captain Soifon is really low, right?" asked Kira.

"Nah, yer gonna win. In fact, I'm about ta tell ya exactly how yer gonna beat the ninja assassin princess and then ravage 'er helpless body!"

"Captain!" cried Kira, "When I said I wanted Captain Soifon, I didn't mean like that!"

"You don' want ta ravage 'er? Or is it that ya want 'er ta ravage ya?" asked Ichimaru, opening his eyes to observe his vice-captain closely.

"Captain!" cried Kira again, blushing deeply.

"Oh! So that's how it is! I bet yer fantasies with 'er all involve ya be'n chained up and be'n 'er prisoner!" said Ichimaru.

Kira hid his face in his hands, beyond embarrassed, "Is it too late to say that I was joking?" he wondered in a small voice.

"Yep, cause I haven' had this much fun in years! I glad ya turned out ta be a closet masochist. If ya asked ta be set up with someone bor'n like Hinamori-chan, this wouldn't have been half as much fun!" replied Ichimaru, as he gave himself a mental pat in the back for successfully completing phase two of his plan.


Author's note: ... anyone still reading this? No? I thought so.