A/N: The insanity returns! I'm glad you guys like this so much! This chapter is so much better than the previous one, but personally, I think that Elizabeth's finishing touch in the next chapter is great! Muahaha…
Oh, something I forgot… Disclaimer: I don't own Atlantis, McKay, Elizabeth, Zelenka, Sheppard, (but I wish I did), and I don't own Kavanaugh (but I'm glad I don't).
Phase 2: Suspended Until Further Notice
"Elizabeth, are you sure this is going to work?" McKay asked uncertainly.
"No," she admitted, "but if it doesn't you're still going to get a chance to annoy the hell out of Kavanaugh in the process."
This cleared up the few doubts Rodney had about the success of the plan.
They had moved their meeting to the control room, which had now become their center of operations. The four of them were in an exceptionally good mood—the idea of getting to piss Kavanaugh off was enough to put a smile on anyone's face.
Zelenka was working at one of the consoles, pulling up a schematic of the city. Dozens of little dots popped up on screen. Quickly, he scanned the life-signs map. "We're in luck," he reported with a vindictive smile, "He's in his lab." Radek's smile was immediately echoed of the faces of the other three.
"Okay, you know the plan," Elizabeth addressed the men, "so let's go out there and give him what he's got coming!"
A group cheer and a round of applause ensued, as everyone ran off to their respective stations.
Let the madness begin.
McKay walked down the hall to Kavanaugh's lab. He was trying as hard as possible to keep from laughing at the mere thought of Elizabeth's plan. Boy, was it a good one. He'd had no idea she could be so…vengeful. He made a mental note never to make her angry more than was absolutely necessary.
But let's not dwell on such serious thoughts now. He had a mission to pull off!
He arrived in front of the door outside Kavanaugh's lab and made one last hopeless chance to get serious and make this as convincing as possible.
"Kavanaugh!" he barked before the door even finished sliding open.
The addressed was sitting at his desk, hunched over a sphere-shaped Ancient device. He held a screwdriver in one hand and was using the other to hold the machine steady. As soon as he heard the call he froze, screwdriver hovering in midair, glaring nastily at Rodney.
"Yes?" he hissed through clenched teeth, obviously not happy about being interrupted.
"Zelenka's found something down in a lab in section J2. He's going on about...well, I don't really understand Czech very well, but I got the idea that it was pretty important. I need you to go down there and help him do whatever it is that needs to be done."
Kavanaugh rolled his eyes and dropped the screwdriver. "Can't you go yourself?"
"Yes I could, once I get back from going offworld, and finish examining an Ancient artifact I found on M6K-233, and supervising Dr. Kusanagi's latest project, and about a dozen other things." Despite his sarcastic attitude, Rodney felt a grin begin to creep onto his face.
Oh, God, oh God,I'm going to laugh. McKay could already feel the giggle rising in his throat. I told Elizabeth I can't bluff. I told her that she should have given this assignment to Radek!
Normally he would have been able to keep from laughing long enough to say what he needed to say. But the inability to lie combined with the thought of Kavanaugh's fate was too much. He bit his lip to hold back the smile.
Think of something depressing! Think of death, think of torture, think of—gah, not working!
If Kavanaugh noticed anything strange, he didn't show it. "So when should I go down there?" he asked petulantly, knowing very well that McKay usually wanted things done immediately.
"Uh, gee, let's see, does five minutes ago work for you?" Rodney snapped, looking at his watch for dramatic effect (Actually, it was to keep from staring Kavanaugh in the face, which would surely break his resolve).
Scowling, the soon-to-be victim stood up and began to stalk out the door, purposely going as slow as possible to anger McKay. If he had walked a little faster, the whole confrontation that followed could have been avoided.
Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't do it, don't—
He was almost out the door when Rodney let out a giant snort.
Ah, shit!
Kavanaugh turned around and fixed McKay with a glare. "What's so funny?" he asked suspiciously.
Rodney bit his lip, failing miserably to suppress the hysterical giggle which would inevitably come. "Nothi--" The word was cut off mid-syllable by a short burst of laughter.
"Are you mocking me?" Kavanaugh spat.
"No! Not at all. It's just…a joke. Yeah. Colonel Sheppard told me a really funny joke earlier and I was just…thinking. About it. Yeah." Another snort.
Kavanaugh saw right threw the miserable attempt at bluffing. "Let's hear it."
This sobered McKay up pretty quickly. "Er, what?"
"The joke. Tell the joke."
McKay frantically scanned his memories for the funniest joke he knew. Goddammit, who knew the idiot had a sense of humor! Jokes? I don't know any jokes!
After coming up empty, McKay started the only way he could think of: "Okay, so, a guy walks into a bar…"
After a five second pause, a thoroughly irritated Kavanaugh prompted "Yes…?"
"A guy walks into a bar…and says 'ouch!'" McKay finished triumphantly before letting out another bout of laughter.
Kavanugh stared owlishly at McKay. "What?"
"Get it? Bar. Ouch. It hurts when you walk into a…bar." Kavanaugh was still giving him a crazy look. "Oh, never mind. Humor is lost on you. Sheppard tells it so much funnier."
If Kavanaugh held any suspicions about the project he had been given, he didn't let it stop him from going. He slunk out the door and down the hall, leaving Rodney standing alone in his lab.
As soon as he was out of earshot, McKay grabbed his radio. "Colonel! If Kavnaugh asks you to tell him the joke you told me, say, 'a guy walks into a bar and says ouch.' And make it sound as funny as possible."
"'A guy walks into a bar…'" Sheppard repeated slowly, obviously trying to comprehend the meaning of the joke. "What did you do, McKay?" he suddenly asked accusingly.
"Nothing! I just…kinda…sorta…startedtolaughwhiletalkingtohim." He said the entire last part in one breath.
"You didn't!"
"Don't worry, I think he bought my cover story!" Rodney quickly defended. "And what does it matter if he did or didn't? He's on his way."
A rush of static from the radio, indicating a long, drawn-out sigh. "Okay, McKay, fine, just get your ass down here."
"Yes, yes, over and out."
Radek bustled around the lab, putting the final touches on the booby trap. He had hauled some Ancient control console in from another lab to make the ruse look convincing. Maybe after this whole operation was finished, he'd come back down here and find out what it did. But now he had to stay focused!
Frankly, Elizabeth's attitude towards Kavanaugh had surprised him a little. She'd always seemed so…well, so dignified. But under that composed exterior lay a mischievous, darker side. She could be really devious when she wanted, as demonstrated by this complex, multi-stage plan.
Looking around, he made sure everything was set, and let out a small, surprised "Oh!" when he saw the window closed. Just as he slid it open, the intended prey skulked in.
"Something you needed my help with?" Kavanaugh asked sullenly.
Fortunately, Zelenka was a much better liar than McKay was. It was an acquired art. "Yes," he said, a hint of a scowl on his face. "I cannot get this malý thing to power up."
Kavanaugh smiled triumphantly. "So you need my help."
Radek gritted his teeth. The things I must endure…"Yes. Now please work—or are you too incompetent to figure it out?"
Taking the insult as a challenge, Kavanaugh let out an indignant huff and walked over the control console. As soon as he touched the machine, he let out a giant whoop. A carefully hidden noose tightened around his ankle when he hit the invisible trip-wire.
Zelenka yelled "Now!" into his radio.
From the balcony above the lab, Colonel Sheppard yanked down on a rope. A complicated pulley system hauled the victim up by his ankle, out the laboratory window, and left him dangling from the balcony, over two hundred feet over the ocean.
Kavanaugh spouted obscenities loudly as he swayed gently in the sea breeze. "I demand to be let down at once!" he hollered between bursts of cursing.
"Suit yourself, Kavanaugh," John said with a smile, allowing the rope to drop a couple feet.
Kavanaugh screeched as he plummeted momentarily downwards. "Up! Lift me up immediately!" he demanded fearfully, seeing that he was in serious trouble.
Just then, McKay arrived in the lab to see him hanging upside-down in the window. Zelenka was laughing so hard his glasses had steamed up, and was doubled over. Rodney, finally able to let out his laughter, had to grab onto the control panel to keep from falling onto the floor. Fortunately for Kavanaugh, Sheppard was able to control his hysterics long enough to maintain a tight grip on the rope to keep the victim from plunging into the ocean.
Weir watched the proceedings from the window in her office. She would have loved to have been there along with the other three, to see the look on the slimy little weasel's face. But alas, she had to maintain her impartiality as the commander of Atlantis.
She wasn't a particularly big fan of violence and practical jokes, but if the entire plan was going to work, it was necessary. Besides, this was the kind of revenge the men wanted: physical humiliation. Hers was a much more subtle type of revenge. She much preferred the last stage…
If anyone had walked by her office right then, they wouldn't have recognized the sincerely sinister cackle coming from inside the room. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as the saying goes.
