~~Ok, chapter two! Thank you very much to all the people who reviewed. Six already! A personal record! And all of them good! One thing I must note: I have never read or seen the Harry Potter books or movies, so, no House Elves. :( Sorry.~~

CHAPTER 1: LEGOLAS GREENLEAF

As the years passed, the dwarves mined all the diamonds out of the ground, sold all their shares, and gradually became extinct (on earth, anyway). This may be due to the lack of dwarven women, or possibly they all had a change of heart and decided to quit their greedy ways and retire to a peaceful, deserted monastery in Tibet. (A/N: I would bet on the former.)

Eventually, the last place the dwarves remained strong was a dimension called Middle Earth. Here they continued mining for many years in Moria, until the Balrog, a bunch of Orcs, and a nasty cave troll killed most of them. Very bad for business.

Anyway, in the dimension of Middle Earth also lived elves, full sized, blond, pointy eared elves, and, as they had much more gratuitous, Orc- inspired violence in their world than the Earth- elves, they were quite good and well- practiced archers, much to the dismay of the dwarves. However, after Sauron- the- evil- fiery- eyeball's ring was destroyed, the Orc population greatly decreased, and so did the violence. (Normally anything whose population decreased was put on the 'Endangered and Therefore Protected by Elves' list, but Orcs, when behaving in their normal fashion, endangered everything else, so nobody- not even the elves- wanted them around)

In the chief residence of Middle Earth elves, Rivendell, an elf who had gone on the quest to destroy the ring walked through the forests. This forest was full of protected and painstakingly well- nurtured trees, as it belonged to Lord Elrond, chief of the Rivendell elves. Since the elf (whom, if you haven't guessed this by now, is named Legolas) was well liked by Elrond and his daughter, Arwen, he was allowed here.

He looked around quite happily at the trees and the nearby brook, thinking how wonderful it all was, and started to sing:

"Trees are such wonderful things. Of them I sing and sing and sing. I love trees, yes I do. I love trees, and soooo doooo youuuu!"

He was interrupted by much clattering, stomping, and destruction of greenery behind him. Legolas turned around quickly, cringing, and saw something that would burn into his memory forever.

Gimli. With an ax. An ax buried deep into one of Lord Elrond's prized saplings.

"Hah, good thing you're here," said Gimli to a speechless Legolas. "I'm just going to haul off this firewood, and then we can roast the marshmallows I swiped from Aragorn. Just because he's king now, he thinks he's beneath sharing-"

"Firewood!" cried Legolas, horrified. "Gimli, how could you -"

Legolas was suddenly cut off by a group of elves wearing balaclavas and black ninja uniforms marked 'TPS" (for Tree Protection Squad). They leaped out from the treetops and disarmed Gimli, dragging him away as shouts of "Nooo!" and "Nobody drags a dwarf!" resonated in the background.

Out from behind another tree stepped the ghost of Boromir. Legolas stared in shock.

BOROMIR: Dear readers, I must hijack your attention for a minute to point out an injustice. Gimli could be locked up for years for Crimes against Trees. Do you know what the punishment for Crimes against Humanity is in Rivendell? Two months! Tell me where the reasoning is in that! It's crazy!"

From behind the same tree stepped Dan Akroyd, wearing a white backpack- vacuum with a lot of tubes attached to it. He shot a stream of green light at Boromir, who was sucked kicking and screaming into the backpack. Dan Akroyd then gave Legolas a thumbs- up sign, cheerily announced "Ghost busted!" and disappeared.

Legolas shook his head. "T'will be good to put all this behind me," he said. Then he remembered: he had left the gate to Elrond's forest open, and was therefore responsible for Gimli's 'incident'. In short, he was in deep trouble. Deep, deep, trouble. He was quite thankful Lord Elrond was on vacation as he sneaked back to the palace, where his guest quarters were.

In the palace, as he was desperately trying to avoid the consequences of his actions, he had to evade the TPS patrols. (If he had been there longer than three days, he would have known this was unnecessary; the tree ninjas were actually very lazy while Elrond was absent. They ate lembas and played Parcheesi all day. The ones that arrested Gimli were new recruits, and therefore had not received the privilege to goof off yet.)

Legolas gasped as he saw three of them (schlepping Parcheesi boards, of course) walking towards him. He darted off into a corner, and started to run down a dark hallway he had never noticed before. He obviously never listened to his mother's advice about such things.

At the end of this hallway, he found a door with an inscription in Old Elvish. Technically only the family of Elrond was supposed to know this language, (A/N: I made this up- watch as I gloriously massacre canon!) but Arwen had taught him some of it. As far as he could make out it said, 'omnipotent nancing weasels of tomorrow', which he thought was complete idiocy. Legolas read it out loud, and the door opened. "Odd," he remarked. "I'm sure this happened in Moria. . ."

He walked inside the room and saw many strange and wonderful things: A Star Trek COM badge & numerous phasers, a Jedi lightsaber, , even an electric can opener. Not that he knew what any of these things were- he just thought they looked amazing. He also noticed a large, garishly purple bookcase, and pulled a book off it.

Legolas's eyes grew wide with shock as he read the text. It was a horrid account, of elves taken as slaves by an evil dwarf named Santa, son of Claus. The elves were captured and forced to work in mines deep in the middle of a frozen land known as 'The North Pole'. This land was full of ice and snow, and not one flower graced the ground. Legolas was close to tears; he could think of no worse a fate for elves. Except maybe denial of shampoo. He skipped to the bottom. In Elrond's handwriting, it read: 'A portal to this snow- kingdom lies behind the bookcase. Touch third panel.' A portal? What would Elrond want with that?

Then it occurred to Legolas. He could travel there, liberate the slave- elves, and bring them back to Middle Earth! Without thinking further, he pushed the bookcase aside and went through.

Legolas found himself standing in the middle of a large, dark room. At first it appeared it was empty, until he looked down, and saw many very small elves staring at him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"We are the Pole elves," answered one extraordinarily short elf in ridiculous bell- toes shoes.

"By Valar, you're the size of hobbits!" he remarked, before remembering his business and announced. "Anyway, I'm here to free you. Where is the dwarf?" They cackled and stared at him like he was insane.

"Up there, in his meeting room," said another extraordinarily short elf. "With your master."

"My master?"

"Yes, another Tall One like you. Except he's older . . . and balder. . ."

"No, he has hair," another little elf interrupted.

"Three strands!" countered the first elf, and the other stuck his tongue out.

Legolas, rather confused but still intending to free these brainwashed elves, ran lithely up the high steps to that evil Santa's lair, all the while dodging sharp objects the younger elves were tossing at him. He narrowly missed one of their projectiles as he pushed the door open, fully intending to avenge the kidnap and enslavement of his people when he saw something hideously shocking. It was-

Lord Elrond, ruler of Rivendell, sitting and talking business with the most repulsive fiend ever known to elfkind, Santa, son of Claus. On top of that, he was wearing a gruesomely awful toupee.

Legolas stared, his mouth gaping in shock. (Yes, he will need many, many therapy sessions when this is done.)

~Next chapter: Elrond evil? Legolas's plans to free the Pole elves take on a whole new dimension. . .