Ch 2
Ch 2 Here Without You
Disclaimer: I don't CSI: NY or any of the central plots, places or characters therein. All those are the property of CBS and Bruckheimer productions. That stands to mean, please don't sue me. I'm just writing for fun, and as such, am not making any money off this. Trust me, what I make money for doing isn't near as fun as writing.
A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I hope y'all will continue to read and bear with me as this journey continues! I can't guarantee that this won't get ugly at time, because, just like life, fiction can get ugly too. Enjoy this next chapter!!
A/N 2: I want to give a huge thanks to DKM, Shelbers, lzytwner18, SallyJetson, kcaitlin, and Galen Kerr for their support, discussion and prodding with this chapter!
I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
-3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
"Please. Just…go."
Those were the last words she said to him before she sent him out of her life. Needing the time to think, Danny decided to walk for a bit and get some fresh air, well, at least as much fresh air as he could get with all the emissions floating around.
"Well, you've really done it now, Messer. She trusted you. You swore you would be different. You told her you would never hurt her," he berated himself as he wandered down the street, recalling the conversation they'd had after she'd gotten home from Montana. He'd driven them back to her place after picking up dinner, so they could talk and she could get some much-needed rest.
"You tired," he asked, sitting next to her on the plush cream leather sofa and idly playing with her delicate fingers.
"A little, I guess," was the soft reply as she stared at the contrast of his large, rough hand as it encased the smaller smoothness of hers.
"You look like you haven't slept in weeks."
A non-committal shrug as she tucked a curl behind her ear was the answer. Still, her whiskey eyes remained fixed on their entwined hands.
"Talk to me Linds."
"I am talking to you."
Sighing, Danny gathered his thoughts before continuing, " You know what I mean. Something is wrong. You seem a bit…uneasy now. What is it?"
He could read her like a book these days. She knew something wasn't right with her. Things hadn't been right with her in many years. "It's just, well, it's just long and complicated."
"I'm working four to twelve tomorrow and I'm a good listener with complicated situations. Talking them out can do wonders at times. Remember who taught me that?"
She looked at him, a silent question in her tired eyes.
"You did. After Louie died, you told me that it might help me sort out my feelings about Louie and what happened to him if I talked about it. You told me if I wanted to talk, or needed anything, then you'd be there to listen anytime," he smiled at her tired features as he gently ran a hand through her hair.
Chuckling at the memory she commented, "I remember when I told you that. You came over that evening. You said you thought that maybe you'd give talking about it a try. We talked until one o'clock that morning."
"You were right. It helped me sort out a lot of things. I made peace with my brother that night. You gave me that chance Montana. Why not let me give you the chance to make peace with whatever is going on in that head of yours right now?"
She drew in a deep breath before diving in head first, and stating what was on her mind, "I just don't want you to hurt me."
Palpable shock, registered on his face. Hurt her? She didn't honestly think Danny would ever hurt her, did she? Striking Lindsay wasn't something that would ever occur to him and it made him nauseous to think that she had cause to be worried about such a thing.
"You would never hit me, Danny, I know that. That's not the kind of hurt I'm talking about," she stated looking right at him, having obviously read the expression on his face perfectly. Watching his face change with relief at her statement, she continued, " I don't want to get hurt emotionally. Trusting people is a big deal for me. I haven't really trusted anyone since the shooting, and I don't want it to turn out to be a mistake and blow up in my face. That's why I couldn't tell you about the murders before. I don't tell people about what happened. I don't trust them to not look at me like a victim, or a suspect. I've learned that if I don't trust people, don't let them in and get attached then it can't hurt when they can't hack it and leave me."
Danny nodded his agreement to her monologue. Lindsay Monroe was a lot like an onion, he was learning. Every time you peeled off one layer of leaves, there was always another layer waiting to be discovered.
"I won't hurt you. I promise, I won't hurt you. Ever," he promised sweetly.
"How can you be so sure? Things happen Danny. You get to know someone and come to find out they weren't who you thought they were…or discover you aren't who you always thought you were," she finished with a tinge of sadness in her voice.
"I can be so sure because I've been after you for over a year Lindsay. I've spent time this year figuring out who I am. Having you in my life makes sense. I'm not about to do anything to screw that up, ya hear?"
She smiled shyly and squeezed his hand in reply; confidence that he meant what he'd said.
Walking into the bar, Danny plopped down on a stool near the end. She'd trusted him. He told her that he wouldn't hurt her. She believed him, and he'd meant every word he'd said to her at the time. Still, the fact remained that he had hurt her, and if he were honest with himself, he had to admit that he'd gone into it with full knowledge of what he was doing. He wasn't doing it with the outright intention of hurting Lindsay, mind you, but he did do it not caring about the consequences.
"I don't care. I just want this hurt to go away."
That was exactly what he'd told Rikki. He told her he didn't care. Instead of telling her he couldn't do this, that he had too much respect for Lindsay to cheat on her, he'd cheated on her. Instead of telling Rikki that he had too much respect for her to use her, and let her use him, he'd used and been used…willingly. As far as she had known, he and Lindsay had broken up sometime in December. While he hadn't actively told her that, when asked why Lindsay hadn't been around, Danny remained silent and non-committal. When she asked him if they'd broken up, he just shrugged and told her things were better this way.
Thinking about it turned his stomach. He'd lied to Rikki and dismissed his relationship with Lindsay. Why? To ponder that question, he needed a drink. Waving over the bartender, he ordered a scotch on the rocks. So consumed was he with his thoughts that he didn't even notice someone occupying the stool next to him.
"A pint of Guinness," the person said as the bartender dropped off Danny's scotch.
"Bad day?"
"Yeah, it really sucked."
"You want to talk about it?"
"No. I just want to forget it ever happened."
"Well, I can assure that I'm not going to let that happen, Dan. Why don't you just tell me what happened, maybe I can be of some help."
"You're not going to just go away and let me wallow in my misery, are you Flack," Danny spoke his friend's name for the first time, giving him a half-assed attempt at a smile.
"Nope," came the predictable reply, "now I notice that you're here all by your lonesome. Where's Monroe? She has a girls' night out planned with Stella or something?"
"I really messed things up with her. She's really upset with me."
"Of course she's upset with you Danny! When Ruben Sandoval died, you cast her aside like last years' Christmas present and started spending all your time either with Ruben's mom or wallowing in your own misery; presumably with Ruben's mom."
To this, Danny shot an angered look in his friends' direction as he motioned for a refill.
"Hey, if you're looking for someone to sugar coat what you've done, you better go find someone else to talk to because you're really barking up the wrong tree! Although, I wouldn't advise you to go to Mac or Stella."
"Stella would kill me for what I did," Danny mused somberly, as he nursed his second drink.
"Uh oh. What makes you say that," Don asked, knowing that whatever it was that Danny had done was worse than he'd first thought.
"I messed up, man! Flack, I fucked up so good here that if there was a king of the fuck up, I'd be it!"
"Well, this isn't going to be good," Flack drained his glass in anticipation of what Danny was going to tell him. He could tell it was bad, but he was sure it wasn't as bad as what Danny was saying, "so, tell Dr. Don what you did to make your girl blue."
"I cheated on her. I slept with Rikki Sandoval."
Fuck. That's even worse than he made it sound.
"You did what with who?"
"I slept with Rikki."
"You fucking idiot!"
"Real helpful there, Flack," Danny deadpanned, finishing his scotch and resisting the urge to order another one.
"Well, what did you expect me to say? Lindsay's my friend too! Shit, Messer, you cheated on her. You betrayed the girl you've practically pined away for since the day you met her! What the hell were you thinking? Does Linds even know about this," the taller man rattled off his questions, feeling torn between his two friends.
"I know she's your friend too. I don't expect you to take sides here Flack. I messed up and I know that now. She knows I messed up to. She's pretty upset about it. I think she hates me now."
"I didn't plan on picking sides, Dan. Just so we're clear, she's the one that was cheated on. She's the one that gave you space when she didn't know what else she could do to help you. She's the one that did her best to put her issues aside and be there for you if you wanted to talk. She's the one that's come to work on more than one occasion looking like shit because she was up most the night, no doubt worrying about you and trying to figure out how to go through to you. She's the one that lied to Mac for you when you went AWOL after Rikki stole you gun! After all that, she needs someone to be there for her! As her friend, if she needs someone to talk to, I'll be there to listen." It was then; that something he'd said dawned on him. "Oh shit, when she stole your gun, that's when this started, didn't it?"
"No! I mean yes. Well…sort of," Danny answered clearly getting frazzled as he was hit by the gravity of what he'd done.
"Sort of? I had no idea you could sort of cheat on someone. I figured you either cheated or you didn't. Is this sort of cheating anything like being sort of pregnant," Flack quipped bitterly, feeling a surge of anger for what Danny had done to Lindsay.
"Funny," Danny replied, looking into Flack's icy glare. "I didn't sleep with her that day. I took her home, made her a cup of tea and got her calmed down and then brought her to the station."
"And that's it?"
"And that's it! Nothing happened then, Flack!"
And the two sat there in silence until Danny spoke again.
"So, now what do I do?"
"You fix it."
"And how do you suggest I do that," Danny asked, exasperated at his friend's less than helpful manner.
"I don't know. I've never been in this situation before Dan. If I don't want to be with a woman anymore, I just tell her. End one thing before I start another; keeps things from getting messy," Flack knew this answer wasn't any help, but it was the truth. He hadn't been in this situation before. Sure he'd screwed up with a girl before, but not like this. The worse he could recall doing was the time he broke up with his girlfriend two days before the homecoming game in college. He'd sent her an instant message to break things off. Needless to say, she hadn't been anymore pleased by the instant message kiss off, than he was when copies of it were distributed around campus.
"Okay, well since I already made this mess, what should I do to clean it up?"
"Talk to Lindsay."
"I tired that. She doesn't want to talk," Danny stated matter-of-factly.
"Try again."
"Flack, I-"
"You tried that, I know, I know. Did you by any chance happen to try that right after your confession?"
Danny nodded somberly. Maybe going from, 'I cheated on you' straight to, 'lets talk and move on' wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Maybe she needs her space to digest what you told her. She just found out about this, don't you think it's asking a bit much for her to be willing to talk it out right away?"
"I suppose you have a point there. But what do I tell her when I talk to her?"
"The truth. You tell her the honest to God's truth about what you did. Be honest about where you're at with your relationship with her and what you want from it. Listen to what she has to say. Let her be angry. Give her time if she needs it. And, when she tells you to shut up, just do it! I got this one," Flack commented, throwing a few bills on the counter to cover his and Danny's drinks as he got up.
"Thanks man. How come you haven't got a girl? You know, with being so smart at this relationship thing and all."
"Never said I didn't," he replied cheekily as he walked out the door.
"Night man," Danny replied as he started walking towards his apartment.
"Night Dan," Flack replied hailing a taxi.
Walking into his building's elevator, Danny thought about what Flack had told him. He needed to be completely honest with Lindsay. She may not like what he had to say, but he had to take the chance that she would shut the door on them if he wanted them to have a fighting chance at a new start in the future. Just thinking about her rejecting him made his heart clench as he got out on his floor. Before he could be honest with Lindsay, he had to be honest with someone else. He had to own up to what he'd done and why he did it. He had to accept that Ruben's death still hurt, and he'd hurt Rikki by sleeping with her just to make his pain less. Knocking on a familiar door, he waited nervously for an answer.
"Danny?"
"Hi Rikki."
"Are you okay," she asked in her soft voice, noticing how fidgety he was.
"Um, can I come in, just for a minute? There's something I really need to say"
Smiling politely, she stepped aside and let him in, before closing the door behind him.
A/N 3: I know, I know, how dare I end a chapter like that! Or did I end it like that? I guess you'll have to wait, see and speculate about it!
