Terry Branson stared drunkenly at his laptop screen. A cheap headset sat on his head crookedly, its wires knotted together, dangling until they lead up to the side jacks. "I am telling you, man, this is the best shit you will ever read, because there is nothing more fucking hilarious than Fluttershy mauling shit. I mean, dude, she snapped a damned bear's neck!"
"Doesn't sound all that funny to me," a voice replied, from the headset. "I really don't get why the hell you're finding this cartoon so funny. It's for little girls, Ter. And goddamn, get your ass back to TF2, asshole!"
"The little girls can go the hell away, this shit's too good for them." He pulled out a beer from the case at his feet, flicked the cap off with the bottle opener on his keychain, and took a long drink.
"God dammit, are you drunk again?"
Another voice cut in, higher and flatter. "Man, if you start singing again I'm gonna kickban you until you sober up."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Terry took another swig. "You're just pissed someone convinced you to sing Disney songs last time you got on drunk. I'm going to go take a piss and a smoke break."
With that, he stood up, untangling himself from the wires, and tabbed out to his desktop- this was purely out of habit by now, due to having a nosy little sister at home- and stepped out of his dorm room, palming his carton and lighter off the desk before he left.
The corridor was, probably because it was nearly four AM, utterly quiet. Terry couldn't even hear anything from any of the dorm rooms as he walked down to the main hall, passing by flyers for clubs- the Anime Appreciation Society, Geology Rocks, Juggling Club- and student activities- Yoga for Youth, Saturday Skiiing- before he finally exited the building.
Outside, he leaned against the brick wall, pulled out a cigarette, and his lighter.
He flipped it between his fingers, studying it a bit glumly. It was an old Zippo, real old, with scratches covering the polished metal exterior. The Zippo was his only high school graduation present, from his dad, who got it from his dad for graduating high school, and so on. Compared to the cars and laptops his friends had received, it was a really shitty present.
On the other hand, at least it was still working, three years later, and for sixty years before he even got his hands on it. He flicked it open, pulled out a cigarette, put it between his lips, and lit it.
Or at least, he tried to light it.
Instead, the flame from the Zippo suddenly shot up a good foot, turning bright green, and before his unbelieving eyes the smoke seemed to ball up and harden into a scroll of paper as thick as his wrist. He managed to catch about half of it,. The rest and his Zippo dropped onto the grass.
He gathered the loose portions, and pocketed his Zippo before he began to read what appeared to be the main letter.
Mister Terry Branson,
You have been accepted into the Royal Fanfiction Academy of Equestria as a student. To be honest, it's not that you've been accepted, it's that we've become aware of your poor writing. The Royal Fanfiction Academy of Equestria's goal is to change that, and support you on the way to becoming a better writer.
You are charged with writing bad My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction, knowingly and gleefully causing pain and suffering to the characters. To prevent further physical, emotional, and mental damages, we are now asking that authors gain an Equestrian Fanfiction License through our academy.
Please fill out the enclosed forms and "mail" them with due haste.
Twilight Sparkle, Head Administrative Assistant to Coordinators Glyph and Iron Gall, Prized Student of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic
A red wax seal was pressed below this. Further down, he noticed in smaller lettering,
This parchment is from the Royal Fanfiction Academy of Equestria, and under joint patronage of both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. All documents from the Royal Fanfiction Academy of Equestria will bear the wax seal of its crest. Any attempts to forge documents as coming from this academy or from its administration will not bear this seal and entitle the forger to be banished to the moon.
"You're shittin' me." He looked around, half expecting the glint of a camera, but saw none. Terry dropped the papers, ground them into the grass with the heel of his sneaker, flicked the now wasted cigarette into the parking lot, and went back inside.
After a short stop at the bathrooms, he went back to his dorm room.
The parchment scroll was sitting on top of his laptop, in perfect condition.
Terry just blinked for a few moments, then shook his head. "Ha ha, real funny. You can come out now, Kyle."
Nobody burst out from the closets, so with a sigh he set the papers aside and opened the laptop.
Staring back at him was a stylized crest of the moon and sun on a blue background, and underneath it was written THIS COMPUTER HAS BEEN LOCKED ON THE AUTHORITY OF THE RFAE.
Terry spent about four minutes just sitting there, staring at that screen and letting his brain slowly piece together everything that had just happened. Then he slowly turned his attention to the scroll, still sitting next to his laptop.
He removed the letter, and began to look over the form, as he grabbed a pen.
"Might as well play along," he grumbled, and began to fill it out. "My name's damned obvious. Same with gender. But why does it ask for coloration and my favorite race? What the hell do they mean by coloration anyways?" He filled both questions out, eventually going with green and black, and unicorn.
Figuring it was a joke, he put the Zippo down as his luxury item, marked that he had watched all of the episodes many times ("But hell, was it worth it, even if I missed an exam."), and was very familiar with canon.
He wrinkled his nose at them asking if he wrote slash ("Gross, who the hell writes that shit?"), and definitely no to Mary Sues or Stus, and that he was definitely not in love with any characters ("That's just weird.").
Terry realised he had skipped over a question, went back, and gave it a hard look. "Who is my favorite character?" After a moment of considering between Spike and Fluttershy, he circled Spike's name.
He snickered at the fears listed, and circled 'Spiders' and 'Being Banished to the Moon', and soon he passed out at his laptop. Eventually, the stylized crest and the writing on the screen faded away to nothing, and were replaced with 'ENROLLMENT FORM DELIVERED'.
The scroll, sitting on the desk, slowly began to smolder of its own volition-and then, in a flash of green, it was gone, not even charring the wood, as the smoke poured out through the open window and into the night sky.
The content of the form that Terry filled out is below, and is available for all who are willing to be students. Beware, though, OFUs are quite the wild ride!
Name:
Gender:
Coloration (body and mane):
Favorite pony race: Earth/Pegasus/Unicorn
Please specify one luxury item that you require at RFAE:
I have: Watched all the episodes once/Watched all the episodes many times/Watched some of the episodes/watched none of the episodes
I am: Very Familiar with Canon/ Slightly Familiar with Canon/ Reasonable with Canon/ Minimally Knowledgeable about Canon/ What is Canon?
I have written slash: yes/no
I have written a Mary Sue or Marty Stu: yes/no
My favorite character is: Twilight Sparkle/Rarity/Applejack/Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash/Pinkie Pie/Spike/Other (Please specify)
I am in love with a Canon character: yes/no
If so, whom?:
I have a fear of: The Everfree Forest/Princess Celestia/Spiders/Nightmare Moon/Princess Luna/Being Banished to the Moon/Other (Please specify)
