I don't need to be understood.
I want to understand. To know.
I want to know and have peace. I want to be at ease. Because the things that I don't know are horribly scary.
But...
What if the truth, what if knowing is even worse then the façade?
What if that genuine thing is too much for me?
What if I can't accept it after all?
I didn't know how long I'd been walking.
In fact I wasn't even aware I was headed home until I found myself staring at the door of my house. Not knowing what else to do, I opened the door and walked inside.
Not surprisingly, Komachi was shocked to see me home so early.
"Onii-chan! What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at the Service Club right now?" She asked as she got up from our living room couch, crossing her arms and standing in front of me with a questioning and slightly accusatory look in her eyes.
"You didn't make things awkward again did you? I swear, I don't know how those girls put up with you sometimes, especially when they're making it so easy for you!" She pouted in a standoffish way.
"Komachi, your Onii-chan has had a bit of a long day. I'll explain everything later but right now I just want to rest okay?"
Her suspicious posture deflated instantly and her gaze quickly morphed into one of worry and concern.
Did I say something wrong? Why is she looking at me like I just walked home from a bar fight?
"O-Onii-chan, are you sure you're ok? You know Komachi was just teasing you right? If you need help with anything just let me know and your beloved imouto will take care of it!" She exclaimed in her usual upbeat attitude.
"That one scored you a lot of points. Heh. Don't worry about me, I'll just be sleeping in my room. If you get hungry just let me know and I'll figure something out." I replied in what I thought was an assuring response.
However, to my surprise Komachi didn't seem to be satisfied with my answer. She was still looking at me like something had gone horribly wrong.
"Well, I'm headed up now." I muttered awkwardly, not sure why she was so worried.
As I was walking past her to get to my room, she suddenly grabbed the sleeve of my shirt, halting my progress.
"Onii-chan. If something is wrong you know you can talk to me, right?"
The way she spoke, her voice determined but soft, combined with how she was looking me right in the eyes as she said this, continued to throw me off guard.
This is definitely not normal Komachi behavior. I haven't seen her this concerned since-
Since the 'incident' with Orimoto...
Turning around to fully face her, I raised my hand and gently placed it atop her head, petting it like one would see in a stereotypical shoujo manga.
"My adorable imouto, your concern is much appreciated. Whatever you think happened to me, I assure you it's not as bad as you're imagining. I just need a little alone time and I'll be alright. Is that okay with you?"
"W-Well, if you say so..." Her voice trailed off, telling me that she didn't believe me but wasn't going to pry any further.
It doesn't feel right leaving her like this.
"I'm glad you're my sister Komachi, I wouldn't trade you for any other sister in the world. I bet that was super high in points, huh?" I said with a grin on my face, hoping to assuage her worries.
Her soft giggling let me know I'd hit the mark.
"For a self-confessed loner, you always seem to know what to say."
"Of course I do, that's why riajuu avoid me like the plague. If I was just another nonsense peddler I'd be popular like everyone else. They can't stand to listen to the truth in my words, since it'd ruin their ideals of youth and awaken them to the ruthless world we live in."
"...Nevermind. You still have a long way to go." Komachi stated with a deadpan expression.
"Better to be hated for what you are, then loved for what you are not." I replied with a smirk, finally satisfied enough to end the conversation.
As I was walking back to my room, I didn't notice the sorrow in Komachi's eyes as she watched me go.
Nor did I notice as she marched over to her phone, scrolling through her contact list until she came upon a certain name.
I definitely didn't notice her absolute fury as she hastily pressed the call button, ready to go off on the girl she thought had hurt her brother.
Shutting the door behind me, I heaved a sigh of relief that I had managed to deal with whatever was afflicting Komachi.
Unfortunately, my work for today was not yet done.
Lying down on my bed, I conjured up that great evil beast, the monster of logic, to help me decipher what I was experiencing.
Alright.
Objectively, this could mean several different things.
Clearly the trigger of my temporary mental instability is related to Shizuka. For whatever reason I started feeling this way as soon as she announced her engagement.
But why?
For one, I've always hated change. Maybe seeing my sensei moving onto another stage in her life is affecting me in some bizarre way. This could simply be an onset of nostalgia for a time I now know will soon be in the past?
No, that doesn't make sense. If nostalgia was my weakness then I never would've asked for something genuine, I wouldn't have shaken up the status quo in the ways that I have. I would instead be seeking to keep things stable so that I could live in the moment, but that's something Hayama would do, not at all benefitting of Sobu's resident loner.
If nostalgia's out, could I be feeling jealous?
Of what? Also since when did I start feeling jealous?
No, jealousy is for riajuu, that's not even a considerable option.
So nostalgia and jealousy are out.
Could I be feeling left behind? Am I upset that my life situation has remained stagnant while others are moving forward?
No, that would be a betrayal of what I've stood for since Middle School. To work is to lose, wanting to change is just admitting defeat and conforming to society's standards.
I'm better than that.
Come on monster, help me out here. If all I can do is calculate then I'm going to be the best damn calculator that's ever lived.
I know I'm not feeling angst or jealous or left behind. Objectively I should be happy that Shizuka is getting married, I've been awaiting this day for so long now it doesn't even feel real now that it's actually happening. Why does Shizuka's happiness make me unhappy? What kind of unhappiness is this?
Do I hate her? Am I upset that she's getting what she wants?
No, of course not, she's assisted me out of her own free will, when nobody else would.
Am I going to miss her when she's gone? Am I afraid I'll never see her again once she gets married?
No, I already knew I wouldn't be seeing her after graduation anyway, and furthermore this isn't the feeling of missing someone.
I've missed Komachi. I've missed Totsuka. I can say with certainty I'm not missing Shizuka.
Her happiness is making me unhappy.
From an outsider's perspective, that doesn't make any sense. I have no logical reasons to be feeling this way, my reasoning is sound but it isn't enough.
Wait.
When the monster fails, I'm left with the one thing I can't calculate.
Emotion.
But what kind of emotion?
Isolate my feelings, remove all obstructions, get to the source.
Desire.
Longing.
I want Shizuka's attention, I'm upset that someone else is taking it away.
Why?
Because I want it.
Why?
I don't care for the attention of others, I don't want to be noticed.
What I'm looking for is different.
It isn't attention, but similar.
What do I want more than anything?
Genuine. I want the truth. I want relationships where everyone can be honest.
What kind of relationship is that?
I don't know.
Do I want that with Shizuka?
I don't know.
Why don't I know?
Because I don't want to.
Why don't I want to know? I always want to know.
Because if I know I'll be hurt.
How?
Because I know that relationship is impossible. I know it's forever out of my reach.
Why? Students can be friends with teachers.
I don't want to be friends, I want something more.
What more do I want?
I want something genuine.
What is genuine?
Something that'll hurt me.
What kind of hurt? If it's something I want why will it be painful?
Because I don't want to take the risk. I can't be honest. I want to reach out and expose my feelings but I can't.
Because I'm a hypocrite.
A coward.
I want genuine but I don't.
I want friendship but I don't.
I want her affection but it'll never be enough.
What kind of desire is that? What could be so twisted and cruel and yet so captivating?
It's something I want but can never have.
It's something that gets my hopes up only to crush them into the ground.
I hate nice girls. A loner never falls for the same trap twice.
But Shizuka isn't a nice girl.
She's brutal.
She's aggravating.
She's immature.
She's violent.
She's unhygienic.
She's honest.
She's kind.
She's caring.
She's beautiful.
She notices when no one else does.
She's there when no one else is.
She's real.
She's genuine.
I call her by her first name because her name is important to me.
Because she's important to me.
Because what I want is genuine. Shizuka is genuine.
I want genuine.
I want Shizuka.
But I can never have her.
Because she's taken now.
Because somebody took her. Somebody took her who wasn't me.
I wanted it to be me.
I'm sad because it wasn't me.
I'm depressed because it could never have been me.
I'm hopeless and ashamed and lost because she's gone forever and that genuine thing is gone forever because of my cowardice.
Because I wanted to know her entirely and I wanted her to know me entirely.
Because the genuine thing I've been looking for all this time was right in front of me all along...
"Hah." I sighed, letting the monster retreat into the recesses of my mind.
Sitting up slowly, I looked out my window, gazing into the full moon.
"That's not good." I mumbled softly, having finally reached the bitter realization that my mind had so desperately tried to avoid.
"I never could've imagined that my genuine thing was so warped. No wonder I didn't see it." Even that monster couldn't face it.
The unstoppable force that moves mountains and slays monsters.
Where youth goes to die.
"I'm really in for it now." I whispered to the stars above, knowing that no one would hear my prayers.
"I just had to go and fall for my deranged otaku sensei, didn't I?"
Author's Note:
Hachiman's in deep.
