The Contest
*Haihane*
Really, this whole day had been a waste of time, I muse as I started putting my clothes back on. If MBI really needed all this pointless physical information from us, why couldn't they have gotten it when they released us from the labs? It wasn't as if they hadn't put us through this same thing a hundred or so other times before our release, so what was so different now that they felt we all had to come in again?
And even worse, I was missing my shows! I mean, yeah, Shirou-kun helped me finally work the TeVo without accidentally skewering the thing and now the shows are all recorded without having to kidnap random people off the street and threaten them into helping me around the house (and lock up the apartment when I left).
But today was supposed to be a break! No stupid people trying to flee the city for s to hunt down.
No even stupider people trying to break into MBI and steal something.
And even Shirou-kun didn't have anything but the family lunch this afternoon, which meant prime cuddle time that he couldn't excuse himself from! It was supposed to be perfect! Especially if I could have convinced Karasuba-sama to join in, she has been a lot more affectionate lately (as in, she's actually been affectionate), and Shirou-kun hasn't denied her whims as much lately.
But no! No cuddle times on the sofa watching cartoons today because stupid MBI had to schedule these stupid physicals for today and now Shirou was spending the morning with that…that…that woman instead of us!
Yes, instead of a wonderful day sitting on the couch and doing nothing, Shirou was going over the last of the (surviving) Ashikabi and Sekirei files with Junko, the personal secretary Natsuo assigned to him to help integrate Shirou-kun with the rest of the organization.
Junko Miu.
How I couldn't stand that woman. Karasuba-sama was right when she said the harpy was too close to Shirou-kun for any comfort. Granted, Karasuba-sama phrased it more like 'I don't trust that woman so close to my property' than 'she's a man-stealing tramp and no good shall come of her' way, but I can read between the lines.
I've seen enough television to know what goes on with secretaries too! Especially the way she keeps looking at Shirou-kun while she is supposed to be briefing him on the next job. More like de-briefing him – and not the work kind of debriefing, but the naked kind – with her eyes! Really, I don't even see the point of having her. I could do her job a million times better!
Well, now that I'm not accidentally shredding the paperwork when I try to hold it or puncturing the PDA's on those old claws, I can definitely be Shirou's secretary.
Even more reason for why she wasn't necessary! It was bad enough that Junko is an attractive, well-spoken, intelligent, charismatic young woman in a position of trust and dependence… but she also has a bigger bust than I do!
I mean, it's not like I'm suspicious of Shirou or don't trust him or anything; he's just really not that kind of guy. I would know, being his Sekirei. But he doesn't share anything he doesn't have too either. I mean, he used to have that Rin girl (or he still might, he was pretty evasive on the subject, really)… and to hear Karasuba tell it, there is still someone he thinks about, even when he's supposed to be with us… the one he won't talk about.
All of Shirou's exes were women though. I wasn't worried that I traded Natsuo for, well, someone else who didn't like women. But that's just it, they were human women.
What if the reason why he was so hard to pin down for some real affection was that we are not human?
Oh…
I blink, the random thought cutting off my internal rant. I'm pretty sure I found the reason why MBI was conducting this physical. After all, it has been almost two months since the start of phase one. Two months since all of us have been out in the world, and with phase two starting up that means we all have our Ashikabi.
That means…
"Haihane, have you seen my bra?" Benitsubasa asked from the locker next to me.
"They're checking to see if any of us are preggers!" I burst as I turned to her.
What?" She flinches, pulling her head out of her locker (where I presume she was looking for the missing article) looking shell shocked.
"I just figured out why we're all here!" I giggle, holding my scar-covered sides. "They want to see if any of us are pregnant!"
It made sense to me. Unlike us, most Sekirei had their Ashikabi all to themselves. Without the need to share, without distractions, and without any work to do, there was no way they weren't getting any! I mean, that's what was (mostly) stopping me from jumping Shirou at night.
Well, the nights where he was in bed instead of working. Even more reason to hate today and that damn Junko! I hadn't thought of it before, but I could have had a good morning in bed instead of this. Well, we could have, if Karasuba-sama wanted to indulge. I bet I could have talked Akitsu-chan into it anyway.
"They are not!" Benitsubasa shrieked, balling her fists at her sides. Angry she may sound, I chortled to myself, but the flush on her face said embarrassed.
Alas, another poor girl getting no action.
"Why would you think of something so…so..so base, you perverted old bat!" She continued. Oh, playing the grey hair card, Washboard-chan? I'll have you know gray hair is dignified! Like Karasuba-samas!
The perverted part is true though.
I can accept that.
"Ah, so you're still a virgin." Benitsubasa flinched as if struck. Critical hit!
I laughed as she tore the door off her locker and slammed it through mine – right where my head would be had I not ducked under it.
"Okay, okay, wait!" I ward my hands up in surrender, if only to stop her from tearing the whole room apart (or me, whichever came first). Man, the girl was seriously repressed. Desperate need of a good lay. "I'll help, I'll help. What is it you're looking for?"
"My bra." She ground out. "I can't seem to find it."
I couldn't resist another jab. "Well, do you even need it? I mean it isn't like you've anything to put in it."
Her strangled growl indicated another critical hit as she turned to pummel me into oblivion once more.
"I mean, hey! I'm looking, I'm looking!" It really was too easy to rile her up. Of course, it was too much fun not to. "Where do you last remember having it on?"
Huffing, she continued to glare. "I remember taking it off in the examination room… but I thought I had it with me when when I left. It's not in my locker, though."
"Alright, well let's go look in the hall." I chuckled, "It could have fallen off without anything to keep it there."
I quickly dashed out of the room before the pinkette could react.
"Haihane! I'm going to kill you!" She screeched behind me.
It really didn't take long to find the missing garment, even with the hellcat screaming blood and fury behind me. No, finding it was pretty easy, given that is was being passed around by three annoyingly familiar Sekirei in the middle of the hall.
"Nope, this isn't mine. Not nearly big enough. You try Tsukiumi." The woman currently failing to fit the bra's miniscule cup size was wearing a white bandana over her head, her hair pulled into a pony tail under it. No, not one pony tail, two red braided pig tails.
Mutsu? No, he was a dude last time I heard. Mutsa? Weird. No, Matsu! That was it. The number 02. Didn't Karasuba-sama mention something about her being an ungrateful coward at some point? I think so. I think she stole something from the office when she left the company too. Oh! I bet it was a stapler! A red one too, I bet she is just the type to do that sort of thing.
"And just what are you implying?" Snapped the long blond haired one. Hey! That's the bitch that almost cut me in half on the bridge! "Tis not mine either. It is much too small." I couldn't believe it as she handed it to the other ex-Squad member there, the impossibly voluptuous Kazehana, number 03.
Were they…were they really?
Yes! They were actually passing it around!
I could hear Benitsubasa's molars grinding down to nubs beside me. This singular event might make my one-liners 80-90% more effective. Or cause her to finally kill me.
Oh my, this was comedic gold!
Kazehana didn't even try to put it on, favoring to look at it askance as she held it by one of the straps. "Well, if you two don't fit, then as the victor of our little match I can't possibly fit." She tossed it aside, using the hand to cover her mouth as she let out a polite (and obviously fake) giggle. "And by small I of course mean the both of you. But seriously, it has to belong to someone on, like, the itty bitty titty committee."
Okay. Just about died there – Hey! That bitch probably means me too!
Huh? What is…
The little girl watching them picked up the bra. Glanced at it. Then back at the three older women. Then back at the… no... she wasn't…
She did!
The little squirt put the bra on and struck a freaking pose!
"Ara! That tiny thing fits her! That's so cute!"
"That's it! I'm killing all of them!" Mt. Benitsubasa finally exploded, apparently unable to take the abuse any more, and cutting off the rest of their blathering. Rolling up her non-existent sleeve, the panty (and nothing else) clad woman made to charge them with her signature, explosive technique.
"No, wait! Hold on!" I grabbed Benitsubasa, pulling her back from her decidedly suicidal (but maybe justified? and decidedly entertaining) one woman (or something) assault. I had a plan. Sure, it was most likely to end in my sudden and inevitable demise, but it would be totally worth it.
"Don't you remember anything of Shirou-kun's lectures on tactics and operations?" I asked rhetorically, pointedly ignoring her 'of course not,' and continuing on as if she hadn't said anything. "This is a situation that calls for additional forces! We need backup!"
"Backup?" Benitsubasa asked, bewilderment vying with homicidal rage. "But there are only three of them and a little girl! We can take them!"
"No way!" I argued, trying to impress upon the pink haired woman the nature of this conflict and the stupidity of fighting head on as we are. "They have us outclassed, outnumbered, and ill-equipped!"
It was troublesome to have such a hot-headed and stubborn partner sometimes. Really, working with Akitsu was much nicer: the girl had a good mind for tactics and peerless situational awareness. The only downside was that she tended to forget the little things sometimes.
"So we should get Karasuba?"
Karasuba-sama? Usually, that would be a great idea, but not even she could help us out this time.
"What? No, no way." I replied to the other woman's confusion. "This is a heavy weight fight and, quite frankly, Karasuba-sama doesn't have the guns to hold out here." I explained. While Karasuba-sama might be the strongest of us, she couldn't lend the assistance we needed; not against these foes, and especially not with Benitsubasa handicapping us so. "Besides, I think she's too busy molesting-slash-arguing with Musubi, which is good for us. That girl would be sudden death for us."
"Sudden death?" Benitsubasa echoed. "What the hell are you talking about? I can take her any day! She only won last time because she cheated, the top-heavy cow!"
"Nope. We can't compete with that." I nodded to myself, ignoring her indignant squawking. "Yes. We need Akitsu." Yes, of the three of us, she was definitely the most equipped to handle this. Although… with Kazehana on their side, even she might not be enough… damn. Or rather, dayum. "Better yet, let's grab Uzume-chan too. If it's three on three, we can win by law averages."
"What? Why them? Neither of them are stronger than Karasuba!" She complained, still not getting my point, but thankfully her incomprehension won out against her vain need to punch everything in the face until it stopped twitching.
Really, the girl had her issues; some of which probably stemmed from her Ashikabi being into dudes. It made me even gladder that Karasuba came through for me in finding Shirou-kun. I'd hate to see the universe where I might have had to share an Ashikabi with Benitsubasa – she'd probably spend half the time trying to kill me over him. It would be even worse if that Ashikabi were Natsuo.
Don't get me wrong, he was an alright guy and everything, but as far as Ashikabi go… well, the whole point of having an Ashikabi was the sexing!
"Of course, you wouldn't understand: you're not very well endowed." I giggled at the double entendre. "But let me explain. Little brothers' girls are a bunch of top heavy cows and a little girl." And I had serious questions and concerns about that last one… and a whole lot of jokes, including one about Musubi's ursine naming schemes. "As realistic women…" I paused to glance her over before laughing, "Well, as a realistic woman and her washboard companion, there is no way we can face them head on and win. With Akitsu and Uzume, however, we can fight them at their own game!"
"You...You…You…" I glanced over to see comprehension dawn over Benitsubasa's face, right before she gave a great impression of a twitching tomato. She went red up to her ears and her forehead had throbbing veins in it. "You're talking about breast size comparisons!" She shrieked.
I lost it, falling to the floor laughing. "You…You…You should see your face!" I gasped between laughs. For a girl about to start a fist fight over her insecurities, she was really dumb sometimes! With the thought came another surge of giggles that had me curled on the floor.
"That's it you perverted old witch!" Benitsubasa exploded, raising an equally twitching fist to the sky. Oh, this was going to hurt, I realized as her fist came down.
"Gekeishin!" She cried as the world (or at least I) exploded.
Totally worth it.
*Fragment End*
Just a note saying no, I am not dead. There have just been some pretty important deadlines lately that have steeply cut into my writing. Hopefully when all of it is sorted out I can finally return to a decent update speed
Hope you all enjoyed this Fragment
Drake Valkyr
