CASSANDRA enters, a cardboard prop held by ACTOR #1.
CASSANDRA: Surprise! Didn't expect to see me again, did you? Yes, it is I, Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen, the most gorgeous villain from the last play, and I'm here to get my revenge on the-
ROSE enters.
ROSE: Cassandra?
CASSANDRA: Hello, Rose! Didn't expect to see me again, did you? Yes, it is I, Lady Cassandra O'-
ROSE: Yeah, yeah I heard you, it's not that big a stage. But you were destroyed in the last play!
CASSANDRA: We made a new prop.
ROSE: Oh.
CASSANDRA: Now, if you'll excuse me a second...
CASSANDRA exits.
ROSE: What are you doing?
CASSANDRA: (offstage) You'll see. It's goodbye trampoline and hello blondie!
ROSE: I don't know exactly what that means, but it can't possibly be good.
(ROSE shakes violently, as if she's being electrocuted, then collapses. She stands up as CASSANDRA.)
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Legs! I've got legs!
THE DOCTOR enters.
THE DOCTOR: Rose! Hey, I was just talking to the Face of Boe, and-
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Talking, were you? That's all you ever do, is talk. Oh, don't take any notice of me; I was just, you know, larking about. Pip pip, guv'nor.
THE DOCTOR: Are you ready to go?
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Don't you notice anything different about me, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Did you cut your hair?
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Seriously?
THE DOCTOR: Excuse me, Rose, I'm the one who just changed every fiber of my being, and you're saying-Look who can't stand not being the center of attention!
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Fine, then. I'll tell you. Come over here. (THE DOCTOR approaches) Closer. (THE DOCTOR comes closer) Closer.
(They are a few inches apart. Suddenly, she grabs his arms.)
ROSE/CASSANDRA: At last! Now it's goodbye blondie, and hello-
THE DOCTOR: You're not Rose, are you?
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Give the man a medal.
(Both of them shake violently as before and collapse. Then, they both stand: THE DOCTOR as CASSANDRA; ROSE as herself.)
ROSE: Doctor? Doctor!
THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Would you shut up a minute? I just blacked out and turned into David Tennant. It's very distracting.
ROSE: Give him back!
THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Don't act like you're all upset. You weren't even sure that this man was really the Doctor. And aren't I such an improvement over your angsty friend?
ROSE: Look, I've bought the fact that he's the Doctor, and whatever else he is after that, he's still the Doctor, and how do you know about all that?
THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Because it's in his head. And if it's in his head, it's in my head. By the way, did you know you're not the first woman in his life-? Oh.
ROSE: What?
THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Such a lonely place. The inside of his head. So many unresolved feelings and moral decisions, oh, he's man-pain in a suit and Converse! Oh, no amount of screaming fangirls is worth this!
ROSE: Then maybe you should go back inside my head.
THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Very well!
(He grabs ROSE's arms. They both shake, then stagger backwards.)
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Well, looks like it's back to blondie. Right then, Doctor, I suppose you're going to revert to your usual violent methods to get her back?
THE DOCTOR: I could. But I'm thinking of trying this new thing where instead of killing people, I make them better.
ROSE/CASSANDRA: That will never catch on.
THE DOCTOR: Or I could just kill you.
ROSE/CASSANDRA: So! Are we going to go on adventures?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah! I was thinking maybe we could go to Scotland, meet Queen Victoria, fight werewolves, that kind of thing. Oh, and don't think I won't want Rose back eventually, because I'm still working on that.
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Very well. Wait, did you say werewolves?
THE DOCTOR: Hm? Oh, that was just an exaggeration. I don't want to fight any actual werewolves. That would be dangerous.
WEREWOLF enters.
WEREWOLF: Oooh-woooh!
ROSE/CASSANDRA: A werewolf!
THE DOCTOR: How dangerous!
WEREWOLF: Woooohh...
ROSE/CASSANDRA: What are you waiting for? Kill it!
THE DOCTOR: I can't! I don't kill things anymore! If only there were some way of containing it...Almost as if we could impress another consciousness onto the-
(He looks at ROSE/CASSANDRA.)
ROSE/CASSANDRA: Oh, no. No, I am not going to go inside that werewolf's head!
THE DOCTOR: Why not?
ROSE/CASSANDRA: I would be a hideous monster! A fanged beast, bent on heinous killing and savagery! Can you imagine how hard it would be to get a date?
THE DOCTOR: Captain Jack would still have you.
ROSE/CASSANDRA: I'll do it. (to WEREWOLF) Come here, werewolf...That's right... (WEREWOLF approaches) That's right, come on, almost there...Hah!
(She grabs WEREWOLF's arms.)
WEREWOLF: Wooh?!
(They both shake violently. ROSE collapses; WEREWOLF staggers backwards.)
DOCTOR: Rose! Are you okay?
ROSE: Yeah...What happened?
WEREWOLF/CASSANDRA: Owoohhhoh, this is quite a far cry from my usual form, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Now, I must find this Captain Jack! Oooh-woooh!
Runs offstage.
