Trigger Warning: Panic Attacks and self hatred

Darkness. It's so dark and he can't see. It's cold and yet he feels like he's burning from the inside out, his skin blistering without any real sores, his insides on fire. It hurts. So long, it's been so long since he last let his fire burn and now it's taking revenge, eating away at him, consuming. Rage, so blinding, everything is dark and he can't see.

A light flickers, tiny and shy, a small flame cupped by scarred hands and he reaches for it, for him. He wants to touch it, to nurture it, to help it grow and not let it die, but it seems that no matter how much he stretches his arm, it's always just a little out of reach. And yet it still burns him, deep inside, making it hard to breathe. Words are choked, strangled, too quiet for his ears or anyone else's. It feels like he's suffocating with the smoke that's burning his vision and his chest.

"It's your power, isn't it?" Isn't it…

The world explodes in a ball of light and Shouto thinks he sees greens swirling among the bright oranges and yellows, among the fiery blues and suddenly he feels warm. So warm… Everything seems new, bright and colourful, so beautiful, and for once he wants to just stop and bask in it, to feel the fire licking at his skin without burning, ice melting down his face and dripping down his chin.

And then the fire dies and he's scorching with pain, his face ignited with no flame, drowning with the boiling water that burns down his throat and singes his lungs. It hurts, it burns… I'm melting…

His flesh chars and sears, it dies and it scars. Pain, so much pain. He tries to swim up but there's no way out, everything surrounding him, vapours and sweltering heat. His name sounds muffled to his ears, it forces its way into him and scratches, claws and all he wants is for the water to stop burning him.

"Fight fire with fire, Shouto."

"Shouto."

"Let your fire burn, Shouto."

"Shouto…"

Everything burns and the light flickers once more, his hand coming alive with little orange flames.

"Shouto…"

"Let it burn."

Burn. Burn. Burn. Burn. Burn! BURN!

Someone's hands are grabbing him, someone's trying to shake him and Shouto's left arm ignites as he pushes them away, reality crashing into him as soon as a pained cry reaches his ears and his eyes focus on what's in front of him. Artificial light floods his vision and he has to blink to adjust, his thoughts a thoroughly scrambled mess he can't make any sense of. His heart feels like it's trying to beat right out of his chest and his whole body is trembling violently in a way that makes him feel somewhat sick. His arm is still tingling as the embers die slowly, the sense of alarm remaining but the imminent threat ebbing away into nothingness.

And just as the dust settles and Shouto's mind clears, he sees Izuku on the floor and jumps to his side his hands shaking as he tries to reach for him, a question of what's wrong on the tip of his tongue that turns to ash as he takes in the other's state. Izuku is curled up, hugging his right arm to his chest as he groans lowly, in pain. Shouto notices the angry red of his skin beneath his fingers and all he can think of is how much he was burning in his dream, how much it hurt and how he felt his skin tug with stiffness as it scarred over. He remembers how everything in him wanted to burn, how the fire inside him tried to scorch its way out of him.

I did this… Oh god, I did this…

"I…"

A sob breaks through him and his cheeks feel warm, wet with fresh tears spilling from his eyes. It burns to breathe but he forces himself to take in as much air as his lungs will take, short and ragged gasps that burn, burn, burn on the way down.

"I'm s-so-orry… I'll get… I'll g-et h-help…" Shouto rasps, hardly listening to Izuku's strangled call of his name as he gets up on unsteady feet and runs.

At first, he's not even sure where he's going, nothing but loud screams ringing in his brain, so overwhelming he can hardly think. They sound so familiar and yet he can't quite place them, only knowing that they sound too much like those of a child. He stumbles into the wall, noting that the lights are all off but not really knowing why, all he sees is darkness and he can't even tell where he is for the longest time as he just drags himself further away from the door he came out of, to the end of the hall.

First floor. First floor, Izuku's room. Izuku… he's hurt… get help… I hurt him… get help…

Shouto's head spins and he crumbles to his knees, his breaths laborious, cutting his throat as if he's swallowing sharp knives. It feels like his whole body weighs a ton and it's a chore to just get back up to his feet. Each movement sparks pain in his muscles, in his bones, in his lungs, everything burns painfully hot and yet he feels so numb that it's hard to sift through the murky cloud of his thoughts, everything just a little out of reach, just a little too much for him to take.

Izuku is hurt… He's hurt because of me, I have to help him… burn, he's burning, he's burning

Gathering as much of his broken mind as he can manage, Shouto heaves himself up, freezing a handle onto the wall for support and continuing towards the stairs. The elevator will be too slow, he needs to act quickly, he can't leave Izuku burning… Rushing down the stairs, he has to hold on to the railing as hard as his quivering hands allow, his vision spotting with every single step he takes further away from Izuku's room and towards the exit of the dorms, shrouded in darkness.

The cold outside air chills him right to the bone, the sweat rolling down his back beginning to freeze along with the path he takes towards the main building of U.A. with as much haste as he can muster. The world seems to be spinning too fast and his body moving too slow in comparison, as if he's trying desperately to swim against a current and failing miserably. For a moment he wonders if he'll drift away as soon as he stops moving, if anyone will hold him and not let him be taken with the waves or if he'll just end up somewhere where no one will ever find him.

But he can't stop, not now, not yet. He has to get to the main building. Why? He has to get there to get help. Get help, Izuku's hurt, I hurt him… Recovery Girl, the infirmary…

Somehow – Shouto isn't entirely sure, the whole trip nothing more than a haze of burning breaths and frozen limbs –, he makes it to the main building, collapsing to his knees while hanging from the door handle, finding it locked shut. He tries to push and pull, to scream for someone to open, but his throat is too tight, his tongue too heavy, his mind too fuzzy. Everything around him is a blur of darkness and he can feel frost slowly creeping up his neck as he hunches in on himself, his panic finally taking over as he loses control of his body and mind both.

Shouto holds his head in his hands, sucking in large gulps of air and feeling like none of it reaches his lungs, his field of vision closing as all he can hear is the screams of pain and all he can feel is the burn.

Izuku… Izuku's hurt because of me, he needs help…

But no help will come, the doctors can't take away the shrivelling flesh, raw and covered in painful blisters.

No, not that. That's not it.

A miserable whimper crawls its way out of Shouto's mouth as he shakes his head weakly, ice beginning to spread beneath his legs, consuming everything in its path to quell that burn deep inside him. He forces himself to look around, Izuku's groans pushing past everything else and telling him to move, do something, help him, please And he sees nothing but dark… The already dim moonlight is covered by the thick clouds above.

He finds himself watching them drift by, sobs breaking through him as his mind stills for just a moment of clarity and he realises it's the middle of the night. No one will answer his call, everyone is fast asleep and he can't think for long enough to even figure out where else to go. Izuku is back in his room, burning and it's his fault. It's his fault and he's too useless to even find someone to help him.

The world crashes around him all over again, heavier, pressing into his chest and pushing what little breath he has left right out of his lungs with a strangled cry. Shouto lets himself fall to his side, curling into as tiny a ball as he can on the dirty floor, shivering with the cold that digs right into his skin, ice crystals building all around him, sharp, cruel. He wants them to stab into him and quell the flames blazing inside his chest, flaring with each forced and stuttered breath.

It's my fault, it's my fault. I burned him. I hurt him.

Reality is too much for him to bear and every fantasy in his mind is twisted with dark flames. He lost control, just because of a nightmare – that's what it was, right? –, and he hurt Izuku because of it. If a simple thing like that is enough to make him hurt someone he cares about so much, what's to say he won't do worse? He's dangerous. His father's quirk – my quirk, it's mine, this is my fault – brings only destruction. That's all he is, that's all he represents, hate and hurt.

Izuku deserves someone better than that, someone who isn't volatile, who won't lose control so easily, who won't put his life in danger just by falling asleep by his side.

That's not him. Shouto doesn't deserve someone like Izuku, who's kind and caring and warm. Shouto burns, he destroys.

He's not good enough, not good at all. Inherently evil, hellflame, that's what this fire is. Hell burns within him and it will consume every soul in its path. Corruption, poison. Death. Insanity. Evil, evil, evil.

Nothing good can come out of fire, of his father's or his, it doesn't matter. He used it to hurt Izuku and he feels disgusting, inadequate, unworthy.

The darkness closes in further and the weight on his chest gets even more suffocating, the cold biting harshly into his skin and still doing nothing to stop that burn. The fire will always win, always consume, hungry, voracious, looking to raze everything in its path to the ground. Nothing can survive in its wake, nothing can flourish. All that is left behind is ash, a trail of destruction, blackened and rotten, no green just black and grey.

Shouto digs his nails into his scalp, trembling and crying quietly, the tears streaming from his eyes burning tracks down his temple.

Izuku got hurt because Shouto let him get too close to the flames, allowing them to reach for him and sear everything down to nothingness. Perhaps it would have been better for him to have never used his fire to begin with, he should have just kept letting it burn him from the inside out but protect everyone that might approach. He should have kept his distance to begin with, remained quiet and cold, surrounded by his ice and keeping everyone at a distance. If he was still alone, Izuku wouldn't have gotten hurt, he wouldn't have burned him, he wouldn't have let everything deteriorate into a pile of cinders.

"Shouto…"

All thoughts cease, the screaming stops and for a second there's nothing but silence.

"Shouto, it's me."

Panic settles once more when he hears steps shuffling closer, his ears ringing, his thoughts getting loud once more with pain, fire, evil. He tries to crawl away but slips on his own ice, the numbness settling deep in his bones and freezing him in place. There's a hand on his left shoulder and he wants to flinch, to shy away, but his body won't move, his joints locked, frozen.

"It's okay, Shouto, see?"

Izuku pulls his face gently, careful not to startle him even though he's already way past the point of fear. He waves his right arm in front of Shouto's face, and in the night, he can't see much past the tell-tale bumps of his scars. No blisters, he notes, no burnt raw flesh. Izuku takes his hand and places it where the burn should be, where he saw it before. The skin feels warmer than it should be, but beyond that, it's not marred, not dead.

"Just a little inflamed, nothing I haven't handled before… It's okay, Shouto… Please breathe…"

A hiccup breaks through Shouto, and Izuku scoots closer, leaning over him to rest their foreheads together. He takes in deep breaths, slow and steady, and Shouto tries to do the same even though every fibre of his being is screaming at him to pull away, keep his distance. If he wasn't close to Izuku, if he hadn't lost control… He just fell asleep… How can he be sure he won't hurt him again?

"It's okay, Shouto… Just breathe. Please, just breathe…"

Shouto matches his breaths to Izuku's, in and out, just one breath at a time. I shouldn't be near you, I'll hurt you again, it's only a matter of time. It will only get worse.

"That's not true, you won't hurt me. You didn't mean to, it's okay, it was an accident."

Shouto whimpers, facing the other way as guilt burns within his veins, continuing to mumble near incoherently. Evil, hellflame, fires burning everywhere, destruction, corruption, insanity, nothing good can come of fire.

"What about yesterday? Shouto, listen to me… You're warm, you make me feel warm and comfortable with your left side… You heat up my tea just the way I like it, you kept the blanket fort toasty at the dorm's Christmas party, remember that?" Izuku lets out a wet laugh, a shaky hand brushing his red locks away from his face. "You were so warm just now I slept right through curfew… Shouto, your fire isn't evil, you're not evil. You're so good to me… It's not your fault…"

"I hurt you…" His voice sounds just as strangled as he feels, his breaths still coming out short and ragged.

"It was an accident… And it wasn't even that bad, I'm fine."

"W-what i-if… N-next t-t-t-"

The words won't come out, drowned by the sobs that tear past his lips.

"Oh, Shouto, it's okay, please…" Izuku drapes himself over him, awkwardly trying to embrace his hunching form. "You won't hurt me, I know you won't."

"I j-j-just di-i-"

"Shh… Hush now, don't speak, just listen and breathe." Shouto tries to block him out but his words pierce through the veils of his panic and shame. "You're a wonderfully kind person… You didn't want to hurt me, or anyone, and you didn't do it on purpose. Nightmares are an awful thing, I tried to wake you up even though I knew I shouldn't have. But you looked like you were in pain and I wanted to help you calm down… I'm sorry… I made a mistake, but it's okay… You'll be okay and so will I. Please, don't hate yourself for something so small, Shouto… It's not your fault…"

Squeezing his eyes shut, Shouto bites the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from crying any louder, the sniffling and sudden gasps already loud enough in the dead of night, even as the storm winds still rustle through the leaves. Izuku must be cold, he could never handle the cold very well. But his fire was what hurt him in the first place and he's scared of using it to chase away the chill.

"If we weren't… If I didn't…" Shouto stumbles over his words but this time Izuku doesn't tell him to stop, just waits for him to take a deep breath and continue. "If I never got close to anyone…" He can't bring himself to say the rest, the thought too painful for him to voice it.

"Shouto… You're not that person anymore. You've grown… You've grown into someone others can depend on, someone I can depend on. You're so important to me, I don't want to lose you." Izuku holds him tighter, buries his face into Shouto's shoulder, his shirt dampening with his tears. "Don't pull away from me, please."

There's a force tugging him towards Izuku, one that pulls against the way he tries to move where the other won't reach, where he won't get hurt. But the pain in Izuku's voice sends a pang through Shouto's chest that's even worse than what he felt before.

It feels like he's trying to lift the entire world when props himself up, finally turning around to face his boyfriend as he sits up with him. Shouto throws his arms around Izuku's waist, hiding in the crook of his neck as he feels Izuku's gentle hold on his own. Lips burn a kiss into his skin and the fire inside Shouto simmers. The frost starts receding, the numbness giving way for pins and needles wherever Izuku's warmth touches.

"I don't deserve you…" Shouto's words are muffled by Izuku's shirt, but he hears the other's sigh in return, loud and clear.

"You do. Haven't you heard Kacchan," his voice lowers in pitch when he continues, "'you two nerds belong together.'" Shouto can't help the snort and Izuku mimics him. "Kacchan may be a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. So, I guess you're stuck with me regardless."

The burning inside his lungs slowly subsides the longer Shouto lets himself cry into Izuku's neck, just allowing himself to feel the negative emotions spill out of him in waves as he slumps into his arms. Izuku keeps hushing him, running his fingers through Shouto's hair soothingly until he finally feels his heartrate and breathing steady.

It's hard to chase away the dark thoughts still lingering in his conscience, the fear of hurting his boyfriend or anyone else still clawing at his gut and making him nauseous. There's so many things he's afraid, so many insecurities creeping just under his skin and threatening to consume him. Inadequate, unworthy, dangerous, evil. Shouto shudders when Izuku seems to whisper the exact opposite into his ear, soft and gentle, honest.

Their little quiet moment is broken by a sudden sneeze, raucous against the stillness of the night, and Shouto instinctively holds Izuku closer, letting his left side raise in temperature without even thinking about it. He tenses when he catches himself, but the other melting into his embrace helps him relax just a little, and he allows himself to just keep breathing him in until he finally pulls away, wiping at red-rimmed eyes and freckled cheeks.

"We should go back before it gets too late and someone catches us outside after curfew…"

Nodding in agreement, Shouto drags himself to his feet along with Izuku, scowling at the jagged circle of ice on the ground where he just lay that reflects the little light that's bathing them. There's only one person in the entire school who could've made that. If it didn't thaw during the chilly night, he'd definitely be in trouble in the morning. Shouto isn't sure if he cares enough to thaw it but Izuku's gentle squeeze of his left arm and expectant gaze makes him reconsider.

He realises for the first time that he'd walked out of the dorms barefoot when he brings his left leg towards the ice to melt it with a little heat. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on edge as soon as the small flame lights under his foot, and he feels his breathing getting uneven again. Yet Izuku comes up from behind him and wraps his arms around his middle, kissing between his shoulder blades reassuringly and Shouto closes his eyes to focus on staying calm.

They start on their way back, Shouto's right hand resting over the mild burn on Izuku's arm. They stop only to thaw any spots of frost Shouto left behind before, smaller than the other but still rather noticeable. The two of them walk slowly and in silence, but the gentle squeeze of Izuku's fingers around his own is steadying, soothing, the weight on his shoulder when his boyfriend leans into him, grounding.

Finally inside the dorms, Shouto goes towards the kitchen, where they keep a small first aid kit for emergencies and cooking accidents, and pulls out some burn cream.

"There's no need for that, Shouto."

Izuku shuts his mouth with a click at the icy glare Shouto shoots him in response, letting him spread the medicine over the sensitive skin. Shouto startles when he feels fingertips dancing daintily on his cheek, just under where his scar begins, and he lifts his gaze to meet concerned green eyes. With a sigh, he looks back down to Izuku's arm, focusing on what he's doing since he has such low visibility with all the lights turned off.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really. I'll be fine though, don't worry. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for, Shouto… But you're forgiven anyway…"

Gnawing at his cheek, Shouto finally lets go, quickly rinsing his hands in the sink before wrapping an arm over Izuku's hip and walking him to his room.

Once there, they stand awkwardly by the door for what feels like an eternity of uncomfortable silence hanging between them. Neither knows what to say now, how to part without it feeling just a little wrong, so they just sit there, holding onto each other.

"I should go to my room."

Izuku simply hums, his grip on Shouto's dirt-stained shirt tightening. "Would it be selfish of me to ask you not to?"

"It's past curfew…"

"And we're already out anyway."

"You need to rest. We need to rest." Shouto mumbles, his chest tightening as the irrational fear of being alone takes his heart hostage when he's still so scared of what could happen if he doesn't leave.

"I never said I wanted us to stay up."

"Izuku…" I could hurt you again. The words stay in his mind, but they're so obvious Izuku flinches anyway.

"Nothing will happen. We're just going to lie down, close our eyes, and sleep." There's a gentle yet desperate tug on his shirt. "Please… I don't want you to be alone right now. I don't want to be alone either."

A shaky breath blows past Shouto's lips. "The teachers—"

"—don't need to know."

With a jerky nod of his head, Shouto opens the door and steps inside with Izuku by his side. He changes into a clean hoodie that Izuku always has laying around for him and a pair of his shorts, leaving his dirty clothes somewhere on the floor along with all the others while his boyfriend pulls back the covers and climbs into bed, waiting for him to join. Shouto faces the outside this time, almost falling off the edge of the bed as that apprehension still lingers, but Izuku snakes his arms around him and tugs him close to his chest. He rubs his face against Shouto's back before burying it in the bunched-up hood with a little sigh.

"You're warm, Shouto…" Shouto hears him mutter, the soft vibrations rumbling all the way to his chest. "It feels nice…"

Their fingers lace together over Shouto's stomach, and despite the voice in his head still telling him this is a bad idea, that he'll end up hurting Izuku again, the other's steady breaths drown out those thoughts. Just for now, he lets his body relax the tiniest bit, lets he tension melt off his shoulders and his joints unlock. The exhaustion from all those intense emotions catches up to him quicker than the hint of panic rises within him and he feels himself getting lulled to sleep by the sound of Izuku's gentle snores.