I'm sorry to those of you who were waiting on this story! I kind of totally had writer's block for like, a million years, and hopefully it's over now! I hope I can also continue my other stories, but anyway, I hope this isn't completely terrible, but if you have any ideas about how to improve it please let me know! If you like it, please review! Again, I'm so sorry! Oh, and, sorry I write such short chapters! I will try to do better! Promise!
I don't remember a time when I'd ever felt so lost. Not even when Ali went missing, when I found out my dad's secret, or after everything I'd gone through with Ezra. Those things might have come close, but they were nothing compared to this.
Nothing compared to Jason.
Nothing like how I felt when he looked at me, when he talked to me, touched me...kissed me. When I opened my eyes the next morning the experiences of all those things came rushing back, my head aching from the pressure of so many thoughts. The memory of how I ran away still fresh even though it felt like I'd lived a lifetime since then.
I finally wrenched myself from the safety of my bed, showering (which didn't help wash away any of the guilt I felt- at Ezra and for some reason Alison- like I'd hoped it would) and dressed in the first comfortable outfit I saw in my closet. I tried to pretend like it was just another normal day. That I was still my "version" of normal. That I hadn't shoved my phone in a drawer because I was afraid of who would call. And that I wasn't thinking about Jason every time I blinked. Nope. Never.
Downstairs my brother was eating breakfast, and shot me a cold look as I sat down beside him. I noticed how all my anger at him had dissipated, and that he wasn't the little in little brother anymore, which was given away by the hairs I saw forming under his chin. He could make his own choices. His conscience would keep him from falling too far into the hole he was digging for himself. He could find his way back if he ever got lost.
Like Jason. Like me. Though I was still too lost to turn back and wondered if maybe it was just too late for me. I didn't see myself forgetting about Jason anytime soon-especially with him invading my dreams day and night.
Enough of that. I told myself as his image flew into my mind for the hundredth time. I pushed it away as I stood, breaking Mike's number one rule. Hugging. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling him stiffen before softening into me.
" I'm sorry." I said.
A sigh and an eternity.
" Me too." He told me.
I wished then that all the apologies I had to make today would be that easy.
He was silent after the words came out. My apology, minus the information about why, came out in a rush. I was breathing in, and as soon as I exhaled, it was done. I hung up, hearing my voice whispering in my head.
I'm sorry. I can't be the one you put your future on the line for. You've got the wrong girl. I wish I loved you little enough to let myself be selfish, but I don't and I can't. I wish I was worth you.. Somehow, she will love you more than I could. God, I hope you can forgive me. Goodbye.
Click.
Maybe the words were stupid, maybe I was stupid. But this was about more than a kiss. This was about me forgetting how to be by myself, to not belong to anybody. To not have to lie and pretend about everything. I still cried when I ended the call. No matter how much I needed to figure things out, it still hurt. I was still petrified that I'd made the wrong decision, but bleary eyed or not, I could see that we couldn't have lasted much longer. It's a strange thing, just knowing- but I did. I was ready to stop acting without thinking and letting my heart rule over the head I hadn't used in a very long time. It was time to grow up. Time to figure out what it was like to be me. Time to talk to Jason.
All the strength I felt was gone by the time I was standing at Jason's door. I lifted my hand to ring the doorbell, but stopped with about a centimeter to go. Swallowing a lump in my throat, I clenched my eyes shut and pressed the little round bump. I really wished I didn't hear it as it echoed, or heard Jason's even footsteps as he walked down the hall towards me.
He opened the door. " Aria," I couldn't meet his eyes, " I called you like ten times."
I nodded, lifting my head. " I know."
A pause as heavy as smoke filled the air.
" I'm sorry." We both said at the same time.
I took a staggering breath as he went on.
" No, don't be. I took advantage of you, let my emotions get the best of me, I'm the sorry one."
I forced myself to look into his eyes, trying not to notice how dark they were right then, green and blue and gray and-
" I don't, you didn't-" I took a second to find the right words. When I spoke again my voice was a lot softer. " I don't want you to be sorry, because that means you regret it happening, and I, I don't."
He smiled, and I felt dizzy for a moment.
" Really," He kept grinning while running a hand through his hair. " That's, well, great. I've wanted to do that for forever."
It felt like a butterfly was trapped in my chest as I tried to contain my smile. I had to remind myself that I wanted to be alone for a while. Maybe it wasn't what I wanted deep down, but it was what I needed.
" Um, but, right now just isn't a good time."
I watched his smile falter and come to rest in an expressionless line.
" I wish things were less complicated, but right now I just need a really good friend..."
I trailed off and his expression softened.
" I could do that. Definitely. Friends it is."
" Oh, well, okay. Great."
I tried to smile, but found myself freezing when he stepped forward. I looked past him when his hand brushed my arm. I held my breath as his lips pressed against my forehead. My legs weakened when they stayed there, much longer than they should have for friends.
He took a step back and I hoped he couldn't see the blush I felt staining my face. He smiled again and I swore it was probably because he did
" Well, I'll see you at dinner tomorrow then. Your mom invited me."
I stood there with my jaw hanging slightly open, as he went back inside and shut the door behind him.
Of course I'd forgotten about the dinner. And, I realized with a sinking feeling, who all was invited.
Ezra.
