Notes - Here's the second chapter. It's still based loosely around canon and is based around season 14 episode 4, so please be aware of some spoilers. You've been warned. Enjoy the read. As usual, I own nothing.
Chapter 2: Not in great condition!
The whole business of 'bad' Kaia and the spear was referred to as a successful failure. Despite note securing the spear, the mission had successfully confirmed that Michael could be hurt and was afraid of the weapon. Sadly, for Dean, he had not really shared the positive spin that his brother had taken to use when referring to the whole sorry incident.
After his confession to Sam on the way back from the hunt, Dean had retreated into himself more. His retreat started just as he returned to the bunker. The older Winchester had just literally thrown his stuff into his room, when he went searching for Jack. He had wanted to apologise as soon as possible for acting like a Grade A dick. Unfortunately, after searching the bunker and asking a number of the new residents if they had seen the nephilim, he was eventually informed that Jack and Cas had both left on a hunt. At first he was proud of them both. Proud of Cas for wanting to spend more time and teach Jack about humanity as well as hunting, and secondly, he was proud of Jack for finding purpose and for not giving up.
Unfortunately, the pride Dean had felt initially when told that Cas and Jack had left was soon replaced with something less positive. As Dean attempted to find his role and position in the new system within the bunker, he began to feel isolated. And that isolation twisted his thoughts on Jack and Cas from one of pride to jealousy. It had first happened after Dean had walked in on Sam finishing up a briefing with all the hunters. To say it had been awkward was an understatement, especially when Sam started to stutter and stumble over an update when Dean arrived. It was clear to Dean that the information had been something about their search for Michael, but Sam's body language made it obvious to Dean, that his little brother had not wanted Dean to hear it. This was followed by suspicious glances his way from a number of hunters. The meeting finished and everyone hurried to take up whatever tasks their 'Chief' Sam had given them.
That incident planted seeds of doubt and jealousy for Sam as well as for Cas and Jack. Firstly, 'had Cas and Jack really needed to go off on a hunt? As good as Cas was, he wasn't the best hunter, wouldn't it have been better if I had accompanied them? Unless they didn't want me to!' Things were made worse, as Mary and Bobby returned from investigating all things monster related in Duluth and spent some time with Sam. Dean only found out they had returned three hours after they had left again. Apparently, his mum had been able to find the time to report to Sam as well as go out for some coffee with him and Bobby, before heading out again with the veteran hunter on another hunt. She hadn't even put her head around the door to say hello, never name ask how he was doing.
Unfortunately, the icing on the cake occurred when Dean decided to proactively play a bigger role in searching for Michael. It had been a number of weeks since his return and Dean had tired of wallowing in his despair and at times, self-imposed isolation and decided to re-engage with the other occupants of the bunker. Of course, Dean did not think that he had to go through the 'chain of command'. I mean, why should he? The bunker was meant to be his home, and he had taught Sam basically everything the large sasquatch knew. Dean had not thought of speaking to Sam, instead the surly hunter had turned up in the middle of a smaller meeting between a number of the hunters and had requested an update on all things Michael. It had been met with glances and followed by poor excuses, from – 'we got this, don't worry about it, go rest' right through to 'Don't you think you should talk to your brother.' The latter was the 'red flag' and Dean was the bull. He started to raise his voice and insist on them updating them. It was then met with one of the older and better built hunters threatening him back. From there, it escalated, until Dean threw a punch. Unfortunately for Dean, the experienced hunter threw one back at him and it caught him and knocked him to the floor.
The commotion had alerted others to the problem and luckily for Dean, Sam was informed and came running to break up the pending full scale fight. Sam found Dean as he was struggling to get up as well as stop the room from spinning. Sam had not been happy and at first, Dean thought he was cross at the hunter for hitting him, but within seconds, Dean realised Sam's fury was aimed at him. "What the hell Dean! If you wanted to know what was happening with Michael, why didn't you come straight to me?" Dean was taken back and then he was pissed. "What now? I didn't' think I needed your permission to know what the fuck was happening around here. I mean it Sam, who died and made you king? No, I mean CHIEF around here? If I want to know what's going on, I have every right to know and every right to ask whoever happens to be staying in MY HOME!"
Dean hadn't really received a solid reply from Sam after his outburst. Instead, Sam had turned and apologised to the other hunters providing some sort of lame excuse about 'Dean being under stress and not thinking'. Sam pulled him out of the room and towards the kitchen. Thankfully the kitchen was empty. His younger brother paced. He was clearly agitated. Sam raised both hands and made a V shape with his index fingers on his chin. He then cleared his throat and spoke. " Look Dean. I know these past few weeks have been difficult for you. Hell, they've been hard for all of us. I thought that since you hadn't really asked much about the search for Michael, that you did not want to put us in an uncomfortable position. It's just these people have been through so much and it's all been due to Michael. They know Michael is here and that you are his true vessel." Sam stopped talking and waited for this information to sink in. Dean stood silent and nodded slowly, he was taking in every word.
With a heavy sigh, Sam continued. "Please don't take this the wrong way. It's just, they don't trust Michael and they can't believe he would just leave his 'sword'. Soooo, emmm… OK… there's no easy way of saying this, so I'm just going to come out with it. They don't trust you. You may be Dean, but at any given moment they believe Michael may appear. So at best, they don't want you to know very much about our work in this area just in case it could help Michael evade capture. Buttttt, at very worst, they are uncomfortable when you're nearby, just in case Michael hasn't really gone away. You know what I mean?" Dean continued to nod and said nothing. The message was crystal clear. After a minute Dean quietly asked, "and what do you think and who's side are you on Sam?"
'Yeah Sam, what do you think?! All I've heard is 'we' and I'm not apart of the 'we' anymore, sure I'm not?' Dean stood still. His jaw still hurt from being punched but it wasn't as sore as his heart. Sam's words and actions had torn him apart. It had come on top of losing Cas as his 'guardian angel' and being forgotten by his mother. He had always believed he had Sam, but now he wasn't so sure. Dean was brought out of his thoughts with Sam coughing before he started to answer Dean's question. "Dean, it's not about being taking sides here. We're all on the same side. It's about… emm.. it's about people management!" Dean's facial expression told Sam that he had lost his brother. "Dean, what I mean is, they all look to me as their leader and as a leader I've got to be fair and impartial and that's really important when managing conflict within the workplace. And before you start to laugh, yes, this is a work place and I am their leader. It's simple. You are my brother. I love you and that doesn't change. But when it comes to hunting and when it concerns the other hunters, I have to be fair. And how you handled things earlier was not appropriate. They're scared and suspicious Dean and you just tried to bully your way into getting information. I couldn't let that go. I can't let that slide."
Dean watched as Sam braced himself for the inevitable tirade. Inside Dean was furious at Sam. He was not one of his staff or troops. He was Sam's older brother. He was about to scream at the younger hunter to 'go to hell' but thought better of it. He was already alone and Sam was trying to maintain order and discipline and having his authority undermined and challenged was not good when it came to the chain of command. So with some thought and a lot of repressing his temper, Dean calmly and quietly answered Sam. "I'm sorry Sam. You're right. I obviously freak everyone out and I should have known to stay away from everyone. I've put you in an awkward position and for that I apologise. It won't happen again. I promise. I'll just leave you, because I know you're busy and you don't need to deal with my crap." Dean quickly turned to make a tactical retreat to his room. The only place of solitude for him now. As he was making his escape, Sam asked, "what did you want to know about Michael?" Dean just waved his hand and replied, "don't worry Sam, it isn't important anymore. Have a good evening Sammy and try and get some rest would you. And maybe a shower!" With that Dean vanished round the corner.
One week later, Dean was still living in his room. In fact, he had retreated so much from the outside world, that the only way he knew it was close to Halloween, was because the Shocker channel was screening marathons of horror movies all through the Halloween weekend. He had already binged on all the Halloween movies and was currently looking forward to finishing one of his favourite horror movie series – All Saints Day.
The plan was simple. Life was complex and messy outside his room, so he resorted to binging on beer, pizza and TV. It was working well. No one had darkened his door for at least a week. He had seen Sam 3 or was it 5 days ago. He couldn't tell day from night anymore and he less than cared. His mum had stayed away, hunting constantly with Bobby. He hadn't even received a text from her, never name a call. It was the same thing when it came to Cas and Jack. As far as he understood, they were still out hunting and were apparently on their third case. As for Sam, he couldn't tell what was happening as he had excommunicated himself from all things Sam and hunter operations related. He knew he wasn't wanted or trusted. And after the fight, he was even sure he was personally disliked (maybe hated) by many of them. In fact, the irony had not escaped him. Here he was, for the first time with his mum and brother safe, Cas and Jack safe and a house full of people, but he never felt so alone and as isolated as he did now. With that thought, Dean lifted a slice of pizza and stared at the TV.
"Time to slice and dice." Dean is ever so comfortable as he lay on his stomach on the bed, eating pizza. The movie was getting to one of his favourite parts, the bit were Hatchet Man broke the cleaner's leg. He was so enjoying it that he didn't really hear the soft knock at his door, but he did notice when his baby brother came slinking quietly into his room.
"Hey, whatya doin?" Sam was shy, Dean thought, he almost looked a little guilty about something. 'Maybe guilty for being far too busy to say hello.' Pushing that thought to the side, Dean decided to 'play nice'. "Horror weekend on Shocker. I've just made my way through the Halloweens and now I'm just about to ….." Dean had to stop speaking. He was pleasantly shocked, so much so, that words failed him. So he just stared at his brother's face that was free of 'the beard'. The beard had gone. Sam became self-conscious from all the staring. "What?" Sam's question provided Dean with a further chance to explain. With a smile he placed his hands along his own cheeks and then Sam caught on. "oh yes. I shaved." Dean couldn't help but comment. "I mean it's so smooth. It's like a dolphin's belly." Dean cringed a little at his description. It was clear that he hadn't been used to speaking with people and Sam seemed to agree with him.
After a vague 'yeah' Sam pulled a chair over and sat down alongside the bed, so that they were closer to eye level. He decided to continued. "I'm checking up on you. You doing OK? You really haven't come out of your room in almost a week." As much as Dean wanted to argued that it was well over a week, he thought better of it and continued to watch TV, knowing that Sam was fishing for something. So Dean asked, "when's being OK, part of this job? Yeah, Cas is showing Jack the ropes and Dark Kaia is a spirt in the wind. And we've no clue where Michael is or what he's up to." Dean stopped himself from adding 'or if we do know something about Michael, that 'we' doesn't include me now does it little bro?' But Dean took a gulp of beer and continued. "… not that I'm complaining, but the house is full of strangers."
Dean knew he was being petty with that last comment, but he was still smarting a little from everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Sam chose not to really rise to the challenge. "So, your plan is to lie in here and watch Hatchet Man movies, seriously." 'Ah, it's the friendly brotherly banter tactic we're using. We'll I can play along with that.' Dean responded, "All Saint's Day is a classic!" Sam playfully answered, "Oh is it?" Dean followed up with, "what do you care, you don't like scary movies." Sam's obvious retort was. "well Dean, our life IS a SCARY movie." Dean couldn't disagree with that, but after all these years, Sam still didn't understand why Dean loved these movies. Wasn't it so easy to see? In horror movies, 99 times out of 100, the bad guy always died. Good always won and that give the older Winchester hope.
"Alright, but I hate to disturb your marathon, but I think I've found us a case." Sam's words got his attention. Dean had to know, were they closer to finding Michael? So he asked, "More Michael monsters?" Sam's face fell slightly, "no. Killer toy." Sam handed Dean his tablet with an article already on display. Dean looked down at it. "What kind of toy?" But before Sam could answer, Dean worked out it was something to do with Thundercats. "Thundercats? Seriously?" Sam smiled, "yeah. But I mean, you got your pizza and a least 8 more of these movies, so I'll leave you to …" At this stage, Sam was making it clear he was pretending to leave the room. Dean sprang to life. It was the first time in a week he felt he had purpose again. "No. Hell no! N. Panthro is MINE!"
Following the quickest packing for a case Dean had ever remembered, the hunters made it to the scene of the 'crime in less than 18 hours. Dean had been so happy to be out of the bunker, on a 'monster of the week' case with only his little brother. Life was good. Life was back to normal. Here he was walking down a street with purpose and looking forward to doing battle with Panthro from Thundercats. How awesome was his life at this very moment in time?
Dean's excitement had been contagious, as he watched a genuine smile spread across Sam's face. In fact, as Dean took in the journey, he had never felt as relaxed and care free in a long time as he did now. It was just like the 'good old times'. Gone were the worry lines from Sam's face. Gone was the awkward and stilted conversation. Gone was the melodrama of having to talk about feelings and about the 'elephant in the room' – Michael. Over the journey, they had discussed the case. The information had led to Dean's decision to basically have some fun or was it escapism? It got so much better when they realised that the victim, Stuart, had worked in a Comic Store. So, it was on Halloween, that Dean and his little brother were dressed as insurance representative, as they approached the Comic Store.
On entering the store, Dean's inner child exploded with excitement. It started with a gentle teasing of his brother but soon escalated when he took in the life-sized version of his horror hero – David Yager, aka, Hatchet Man. Alas, all good fun had to come to an end, as Dean and Sam turned to begin investigating. It didn't take long to establish that Stuart was not working and that he was currently living back home with his mum. That thought reinforced Dean's view on the young man and also on the world. Armed with the new information, both brothers made their way to the victims home and the scene of the original crime.
All was good as both Sam and Dean sat waiting for Stuart to come up from his room. Dean was confident. He was in his element when he was working a case, so of course, the universe could not abide Dean to be happy and within seconds, Dean's confidence was thrown a curve ball as he was given a not so subtle reminder, that he wasn't hip and trending and was, in fact, getting too old. The subject of getting older had been festering away in Dean's head for well over a year now, ever since he was made to feel older, with the introduction of Jack to their life. Nearing 40 years of age, Dean had thought he would have been dead. So as his joints were beginning to ache and as he no longer knew the latest trends, he was starting to feel his age. Unfortunately, that feeling was coupled with being less relevant at best and at worse, obsolete. Suppressing these thoughts, Dean childishly swapped his mug for the flash mug – a nod to his inner child, that he still was alive and willing.
Unfortunately, on meeting Stuart, Dean was far too quickly reminded of being old and out of date. It first started, when he had no clue how popular Fortnight was and instead he embarrassed himself by referring to an older game – Zelda. Inwardly, he kicked himself for sounding pathetic, but thankfully the guy was so self-absorbed that he didn't pick up. Equally, Sam had smoothly answered him. 'Typical, the giant sasquatch knows everything. God, I'm getting old and I'm stupid.' The second reminder of how old Dean was and felt was when Stuart mentioned MIRL. Dean was at a total loss. It was clear from his facial expression and he felt stupid and dumb when Sam had to explain – MIRL – meet in real life!. 'Doh, why didn't the nerd just say that. No wonder he is living with his mum, in her basement. He needs to get out and get a life!'
Despite feeling old and outdated, Dean kept his confidence and soldiered on through the case. Thankfully, the case was quite simple. After they searched for hexbags and sulphur, it became clear, the toy had been possessed by a ghost. Armed with this information, it was only a matter of time before they located the object that tied the spirit to this world and destroyed it. Of course, Sam had been the smart one and had worked out what that object was and burnt it. 'Sam had it handled. Did he even need you?' Whereas, as per usual, Dean had been the soldier. The one doing all the 'heavy lifting' and taking the hits. His body ached as he walked back to the Impala. He was still happy, but the reminder of his age and the aches in his body made it clear to him – that the only thing he was good for was the physical work and he would soon be too old and useless to be able to contribute that way.
These thoughts haunted him as they drove away from successfully saving lives and towards the bunker. Every mile closer to the bunker seemed to make Dean more melancholy. He had truly enjoyed the case, but when he removed the nostalgia from hunting with his brother, the reality was cruel – He was nearly 40 and had nothing to show for it, not even being a good leader. He didn't begrudge Sam that. He just didn't feel he had a place in this new world order. In short, Sam didn't really need Dean anymore, whereas, Dean really needed Sam. 'Pull yourself together dude. What the hell did Michael do to you? Turn you into a huge chick?! This was meant to get you out of your funk, not make you feel worse. Shake it off. You're a Winchester, so act like it!'
With his internal pep talk over, he realised that he could neither return to his glory days as wonder hunter, nor could he continue to wallow in self-pity. Instead, he turned and in true Dean Winchester fashion he chose to deflect. This time he decided to press Sam for why he didn't like Halloween? Afterall, he had constantly asked this question throughout the case and as they drove back towards the bunker, Dean felt, he should at least have an answer to this. Breaking the silence, Dean spoke. "Thanks Man." Sam barely acknowledged, so he continued. "You ah, you got me out here cause you had to get me out of my funk. Ge me a win. So thanks."
"Gotta admit, it didn't' exactly go, ah…." Dean interrupted finishing his sentence, "…. I just went toe to toe with David, frickin Yager. Awesome!" Dean could hear Sam playing down his fantasy so he talked on. "Don't ruin this for me." As Dean turned, he could see that his little brother was genuinely smiling. 'Good. At least, there's still hope of salvaging some sort of relationship with my brother. I've also got purpose now and that's to support baby brother as he leads the bunch of misfits. That I can do.'
As if Sam was reading his mind, the conversation turned away from Dean's comfort zone and towards 'feelings' and the sharing of feelings. "eh, Dean, when we get back to the bunker, man, you've got to stop hiding out in your room." Dean denied that he was hiding but Sam called him out on it further. "I get why you're doing it. I do. But.. what happened with Michael, you said yes, for me, for Jack, for your family. You did the right thing. What happened after, … just because Michael was wearing your face, doesn't mean any of this is on you. I don't blame you. No one blames you. You've gotta stop blaming yourself. Please!"
Dean listened. He heard and understood what Sam was saying. Despite hating all the chick flick sentimental bull crap that came with speaking about feelings, he knew it was time to share. "I'm never going to get over it. I'm just not. But you're right, I'm not doing anyone any good by staying cooped up in my room, soo…. Whatever you need, I'm there." Sam nodded. Smirking and in an attempt to lighten the conversation, because heaven forbid any more sharing, he may grow lady parts, he added, "right Chief!" As planned that got an honest smile from Sam. 'Job done. Now to actually deliver on the promise.'
'BEEP BEEP!' As if planned, the clock signalled it was no longer Halloween. Dean smiled as he glanced over and saw his brother physically slouch in on himself, in relief that the 'ghastly' holiday was now over for another year. He had to know. It had been haunting him so much since they had taken the case. With a renewed vigour and hoping that their little heart to heart would inspire Sam to open up, Dean ventured to ask the question. "Alright that's it, Halloween is officially over. Ok, seriously, why, why do you hate Halloween. Was it the time I ate all your Halloween candy? Was it something dad did?"
Sam's sigh signalled defeat. "No, no dude, you don't wanna know." Dean pushed a little knowing he had won. It was after a little further prodding that Sam spilled how he had been sick at the Halloween party of a girl, Andrea Howell, many years ago. He had, had a crush on her and through nerves, he had vomited all over her. Dean laughed so much. His soul faced contentment. It felt good to talk to Sammy and to share their thoughts, loves and fears. Carried away by the feel good factor, Dean promised that next Halloween, they would go 'all out' and do matching outfits. Dean could see Sam physically cringing at some of the suggestions that came flying out of Dean's mouth. As Dean settled back into driving the final leg of the journey he thought. 'All is good. All is well in the world. Sam and me out doing cases, saving people, hunting things. The family business. Now, I just need to ensure that this continues.'
Dean continued to smile the rest of the way home. His heart was lighter than it ever felt and as he looked over at his brother, he could feel his brother was happy too. Of course, that feeling never lasted. They were back less than 30 minutes, when Sam was pulled away to be updated on the latest intel and research they had on Michael. Dean had moved to join him, but immediately thought better of it, when he witnessed his brother's body language change, and not in a positive way. Reading between the lines, Dean chose to down play the situation. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, "go on Sam, go catch up with the team. I've managed to steal your attention away from important stuff for over a day now. You're needed and it's important. Besides, I've got important 'research' back in my room." Dean didn't wait for a reply. He smiled and nodded to the others and left to go to his room. Sam had responsibilities but at least their relationship was in a better condition than before their hunt. Dean counted that as a mark in the win box.
