I woke up this morning and as I tried to get up I suddenly found it impossible to get myself up and ready for the day. The room felt dark, and as if it was holding me there. What is my point to get up anyways? I'd be alone when I come back here. I tried sitting up but, just felt heavy and weak. As I struggled to force myself up I gave up motivation and decided to just lay in bed. I would just make up any work I missed for the day. I turned on my phone to find texts from Hide, he asked where I was. "Not feeling well. Might be sick. I'll see you tomorrow." Was all I responded. After that I turned off my phone and just stared out in my empty room. It felt so dark. I felt so dark. All I was left with was my own thoughts.
What am I so down about? Why do I feel... Upset? Why do I feel so alone? I am alone though. I always seem to end up alone...
I snapped myself out of my thoughts when I realized I needed to walk to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and stared back at myself. I looked how I felt. Dark circles under my eyes, unkempt hair, ruffled clothing. What am I here for? As I looked at myself I started to wonder. Why would Hide even like me? I'm no good. I'm so flawed. My movements started to feel so unconscious as I stood there. I stared at my perfect skin I had. Why was my skin so perfect? It shouldn't be. Because I'm not perfect. In my hands suddenly was one new and perfectly silver razor. I looked at myself in the mirror, then down at the razor, then at my arm. Perfect skin... Next thing I knew, my eyes were shut tight and I felt the cool surface of the razor against my left arm. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I opened my eyes to see the razor tainted with red. I removed the razor but then it was against my arm again making another mark. I felt so focused on that, my thoughts on anything else faded temporarily.
As the putrid smell of blood hit me I quickly threw down the razor and put a damp towel against my fresh cuts. I then washed off the razor and tucked it away. I walked back to my bed and removed the towel and let it fall to the floor. I'll just clean it later.
I stayed in bed the rest of the day.
At some point the day ended. I knew I had to push myself to go to school tomorrow. Being home felt so toxic and I knew I shouldn't be left alone. Part of me hoped Hide would help me, since whenever I'm with him I'm actually happy. But, another part of me never wanted him to find out. It would only burden him. It would scare him.
He'd run for sure.
