Not Enough
…
From Chapter One:
"And that's just not good enough … not anymore." He still hasn't turned to face her, so his voice bounced off the windows and walls, but they still slam into her as if he had screamed them directly at her. Then he starts to repeat the word that will never pass her lips again without her recalling the darkness that four lettered word has caused her.
"Want … want … after all that we've been through … if all you can give me is 'want' … "
Kate held her breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. She didn't have to wait long for Castle to choke out the words.
"If you can't tell me anything other than that … I think it's best if you just leave."
Leave. He actually wanted her to leave. After all the times that she'd grown frustrated with his childish antics and thought she'd be better off without his shadow constantly hovering over her … here he was asking her to walk away.
Beckett's heart was thumping in her chest and she was surprised that it was still beating after what he'd just told her. His revelation was shocking, the world seeming to tip under her feet as her head spun as it tried to catch up with all that had been said.
The words were in her throat … I love you … right there, waiting to come out, but the expression on Castle's face told her that isn't wasn't going to be enough, not nearly enough. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out as she wrestles with what to say that would do anything to mend the tear that has formed in something that she'd thought she could always count on. As her silence continued, the seconds ticked by as she watched Castle's shoulders slump even further, defeat evident in his drooping posture and it only poured more regret into her soul.
"Rick … I … I'm so … so sorry … " Her apology came out as a choked sob but if he heard her, nothing in his manner gave any indication whether it made any difference or not. When he spoke, he question caught her off balance.
"Sorry for what? Lying to my face for almost a year? Lying about remembering what I said when you were dying in my arms?" He cocked his head so he could speak more directly to her, but he still wouldn't look at her and she didn't know what hurt more … his words or the fact that he continued to avoid her eyes. "Sorry for promising to call and not uttering a word to me for over three months? Sorry for blurting out your secret to some perp during an interrogation?"
He whirled on her suddenly, his hands balled into tight fists at his side. "Just what the hell are you sorry for, Beckett?"
Kate dropped her head to her chest, tears wetting her cheeks and stinging her eyes. "I'm sorry for all of it, Castle."
"Bullshit!"
Her head shot up, her sad eyes seeking out his but he was still looking at anything else in the room but her. When she saw the anger and hurt on his face, there was nothing she could think of that would make any of it any better.
Rick slammed his hands into the pockets of his trousers, curling his fingers into the fabric so that he didn't reach up and yank out his hair. "I think the only thing you're truly sorry about is the fact that you got caught before you could come with another lie to cover it all up."
Kate's mind whirled at his accusation, wondering how he could possibly think that. She was about to protest when he continued.
"When were you planning on telling me Beckett?" The fact that he still refused to call her 'Kate' stung more than she thought it would. "Or were you ever going to tell me? Were you just hoping that I'd forget about telling you I love you or were you just hoping that you'd be able to lie your way out of this mess?"
"Rick, please … you don't understand … back when I was shot … I just wasn't ready to deal with anything like that … "
"Yeah, just like I wasn't ready to deal with watching you die … twice … right in front of me and I was powerless to do anything about it." The rage from earlier was draining from his voice, but this new defeated Castle was just as horrifying.
"I needed time to heal; time to pull myself back together so I'd be ready for a real relationship … a healthy one."
Castle dropped his head. "A healthy relationship built on lies?"
That stopped her cold, and the early stages of her anger began to germinate within her. "But you lied too, Rick."
Castle nodded his head in agreement. "Yes … yes I did. I lied. I kept something from you and that constitutes 'lying' … but if I was in the same situation all over again … " His cobalt blue eyes finally locked with her own, but the magnitude of pain she saw etched in their depths caused her to turn away. " … I do the exact same thing without hesitation."
The urge to blurt out it being unfair for him to cut a deal for her life without her knowing about it almost erupted from her lips, but she swallowed them down, knowing that train of thought was very dangerous at that particular moment. Kate wanted to make some type of argument about the secret he'd kept, but he was speaking before she could come up with anything.
"Would you do the same thing?"
She didn't understand. "What do you mean?"
"If could go back, and tell me the truth when it would have mattered, would you do it?"
Beckett's answer was instantaneous. "Yes, of course I would."
If she thought her honest answer was going to alleviate some of the distress that she saw in her partner's eyes, she was mistaken. Castle gave her a dry chuckle as his gaze dropped back to the floor.
"See … that tells me that although you knew it would hurt me, you chose to go ahead and continue to lie." He lets that hang in the air between them, his face downcast and hers spinning, looking for some way to salvage this disaster.
"Rick … I wanted to call you … talk to you … let you in but I just wasn't ready … " Kate ran her hand through her damp hair, her fingers catching in the tangles that were forming. Castle seemed to notice this, because he spun away and walked into the kitchen. When he reappeared, he held out a small dish towel to her and was careful to avoid her touch when she reached out for it.
"Thank you."
His response was a curt shrug of his shoulders before he moved away once more. Kate choked back the sob at his continued protection of her, despite all that had been done and said already.
When he stopped a few feet, his back still facing her, he spoke in the tone he'd used earlier when they'd fought back at her apartment. "When are you finally going to let me all the way in? When will it be enough?"
"That's why I'm here Castle … I want to let you in."
Castle shook his head sadly. "You say that, but your past actions don't induce any confidence that you're giving me nothing but more platitudes that will be broken the moment you have another break in your mother's case."
Now he'd touched the raw nerve that always lingered just beneath the surface of Kate Beckett. "That's the most important thing in the world to me Castle, you can't expect me to just turn away and let it go."
"I'm not asking you to just throw it all away Beckett!" Castle whirled around again, his face contorted in frustration. "I know how important this is to you … if anyone on this planet knows that fact, it's me."
"But it sounds like you just asked me to forget about my mother's death … act like it's no big deal!"
Rick schooled his voice, holding it just under the dull roar it wanted to be. "I know it's a big deal … I've watched it eat away at you for the past four years … all I'm asking is that you count the cost before you go chasing blindly after something that might consume you just like it did your mother."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Castle took several deep breaths, composing himself for what he was about to say. "I knew if you had the information I had, that you would run at this with everything in you … that's why I kept it from you. I also knew that you were going up against something unlike anything you've ever faced before and would need all the help you could get to take them down."
Beckett watched him wrestle with this confession and she was absolutely speechless as he laid out his train of logic in front of her, fearless of the consequences to their fractured relationship.
"All I wanted was for some consideration … some inkling that you would step back and consider what it would cost when you went after the people who destroyed your life."
The old argument from earlier reared its ugly head once more. "It's my life, Castle. If I want to risk it for the chance of finally bringing justice to my mother, then that's something I'm willing to do."
Castle's face remained calm as she roared at him, waiting until she'd finished before responding.
"But it's not just your life you'd be putting on the chopping block. What about Esposito? You risked his life today by dragging him into your little crusade." His statement hit her dead center of her chest, right at her bullet scar. "What if he'd died today, Beckett … how would that affect your quest for justice?"
The thought that her long-time friend had risked it all for her today just because she'd asked him too caused her to stagger back, collapsing onto the armrest of Castle's leather couch.
"What about your father? How would he feel when he had to go down and pick out a coffin for his daughter so he could bury his only child beside his wife?" Castle was a word master and he knew exactly what this was doing to the now sobbing woman in front of him. But he knew that this was possibly his last chance to make her see just what her selfish actions could cost to those around her who cared for her.
"What if Coonan comes after me … comes after my family … rips apart Alexis' life just like he did yours all those years ago. What will you say to my daughter when you tell her that her daddy isn't coming home anymore because what you wanted was so much more important than giving a damn about what would happen to anyone else?" This was taking a lot out of him and he began to feel like he'd been running on a treadmill set on 'high'.
"Rick … please … " Kate held up a shaky hand, trying to shield herself from the truths in his questions.
He was quiet for a moment and she almost gasped when he spoke again and he was standing directly in front of her.
"When is it going to be enough, Kate?"
Her name on his tongue made her stuttering heart clinch inside her chest.
"This crusade of yours will destroy those you love, whether you intended it that way or not, that will be irrelevant in the end."
"Rick … I just can't walk away that easily … "
"Yes, you can." She heard him take a breath, like he was about to plunge off a cliff. "But I don't think you will. I don't think that there's anything on this earth that will cause you to finally stop clinging to the memory of your dead mother."
Kate's fragile hold on her emotions and her temper finally snapped. The strength returned to her legs and she shot to her feet, causing Castle to take a step backwards so she didn't crash into him. He was reaching up to catch her as she stumbled toward him when her open palm caught him across his jaw, snapping his head to the side.
The slap of her hand against the flesh of his face was echoing through the loft before what she'd just done registered inside Kate Beckett's mind. One hand flew to her mouth to cover the anguished sob that escaped between her lips while the one that had just struck the man she loved reached out in an attempt to wipe away the red mark on his cheek. Castle's face was still turned to the side, his eyes pressed shut to hold back the tears that he could no longer restrain.
"Rick … oh God … I'm sorry … I didn't mean to … " Kate's words were coming out in small gasps and she stopped reaching for him when he sidestepped away from her. She was about to close the distance between them, when he finally looked over at her but the expression on his face was blank and unreadable. Emotionless. Resigned.
She felt his hand clamp onto her elbow and before she realized what was happening, he was dragging her back toward the front door, his stride long and purposeful. The towel she'd been using to dry her hair fell between them but Castle paid it no attention as he marched them across the room. His hand was shaking as he fumbled with the handle but he managed to work it, snatching the door open in one quick motion.
"No … please … don't do this … Rick … please … " Kate tried to protest but Castle's expression was made of stone, completely closed off to anything she could possibly think to say. She thought he was just going to throw her out without saying anything, but just as he maneuvered her into the opening, he spoke with no emotion in his voice whatsoever.
"I didn't do this, Beckett … you did." And with a simple extension of his strong arm, he shoved her out into the hallway. Beckett stumbled for a second before she caught herself and she spun to plead with him one more time but the door was closing before she got the chance. Castle's face appeared in the small space between the door and the frame; his last words would haunt her for many lonely days and nights to come.
"Good-bye, Detective."
Then he was gone and Kate could do was stand alone in the hallway and listen to the click of the door's deadbolt lock.
…
A/N: I cranked this one out pretty fast to give you guys something to gnaw over for the next little bit. If there are mistakes, that's all on me and my poor proof-reading skills.
Let me know what you think on your way out.
Semper Fi
JS
