Chapter One: Panic

It had been months since I stood in this place and felt whole. Months since my eyes fell upon her window, beckoning me to my one true home in Bella's arms. Her window looked the same as always. The antiqued lace curtains flitted in the breeze that slipped through the small opening of the sill.

The urge to race up the side of her house and enter her bedroom like I had so many times before was almost unbearable to resist. But I knew I no longer had the right to do so. Not after what I had done to her in order to leave, and especially not after what I was about to do.

I had given her my word that my presence would no longer darken her life. I promised that I would never again endanger her. But I was about the break my promise because I was too weak to carry through with my plan.

During the months of agony, I walked around like a soulless shell, devoid of the will to exist in this world without her. My guilt had thoroughly destroyed my one true chance at happiness. I convinced myself that she would be better off without me. I convinced myself that I would be able to go on with the knowledge that she was safer without me there. But I was delusional. How could I have ever been so stupid to think that I could survive without her?

My life was shattered with every piece lying crushed under my feet. It was my own fault, but now I was going to fix it. My only saving grace was that one option to come back and beg for her mercy…the option to see her again, to hold her and cherish her again. It was that option that called to me day in and day out, driving me mad with heartache. It begged me to return to her, begged me for the love that I had forsaken in the name of the greater good. And I had finally succumbed to the voice that called me back to her.

I needed Bella, like the Earth needed the Sun. There was no way for me to exist without her. She was everything to me. I needed her back, but was there any chance that she would accept me back? Would she ever understand my reasons for leaving her?

The lies that flowed from me that night accomplished exactly what they were intended to do, they sever every shred of hope that bound her too me. And with them tore every last piece of my long dormant heart right out of my chest with excruciating pain. How could I have done that to her? I needed the chance to explain everything to her.

Fear started to grow stronger in the pit of my stomach for each moment I stood here staring at her home. Fear was really an emotion I was not used to. It seemed to only come out when Bella was involved. She was so fragile, her life so easily snuffed out. I felt like she existed as vapor where the slightest wind could blow and take her away from me. Now the Pain mixed in with the Fear. I had already existed without her for too long. I needed her back and I needed her back now!

As I started for the front porch, scenarios ran through my head of how this might play out. She could slam the door in my face. She could scream at me, slap me across the face. She could hate me. Or worse, she could have moved on. As the list of possibilities grew my prospects grew darker and darker. Then one godsend thought cross through my mind. She could run back into my arms with a genuine smile for my return. She could forgive me for my absolute stupidity and I could spend the rest of eternity making it up to her. Showering her with the love I truly felt this whole time.

This was my moment. I tentatively rose up on the front step to stand frozen in front of the door, ready to lay myself at her feet in an effort to beg her forgiveness. What was I going to tell her? I lied! Every word that came from me that night was an utterly boldface, tortuous lie of the worst kind. My voice spoke lies to the one I loved, breaking her heart, and I couldn't hate myself any more for every moment of it. I was a vile creature, unworthy of her love. But I needed her to exist. The pain I felt without her was unbearable and I could not continue on that way. I needed her unlike anything else. No blood, no hunt, no distraction could ever fill the void that I had felt in her absence. I needed HER.

I sucked in a breath and gently knocked on the door. Behind it, I heard Charlie shuffled a little slower then I had remembered him moving. His thoughts were quiet and reserved, questioning who was disturbing him now. As the door opened up I braced myself for the angry thoughts I was about to receive.

In a deathly quiet tone, completely unlike him, Charlie spoke.

"Get the hell off of my land." Profanities the likes I've never heard in all my time on Earth started streaming through his mind and the hatred he was feeling as he looked at me was so thick I didn't even need Jasper to sense it. The reaction caught me off guard. In all honesty, I was expecting the anger but the full on hatred completely confused me.

"Please, Sir. I need to speak with her."

"Are you deaf?" he asked fully emerging from behind the door. His voice steadily growing louder as his anger rose. "I said get the HELL off my land before I shoot you where you stand!"

That was completely unlike Charlie to actually verbally threaten me out loud. Then a flash in his mind caught me completely off guard. Bella being carried to Charlie by a strange man from the woods the night I left. She looked white as a ghost…almost dead. Pure and unmitigated fear exploded within me in that very moment. I couldn't even both to hide the pain and fear that I knew my face showed. I never in my wildest dreams ever wanted to see her like that. What happened to her?

"Where is she?" I begged, as an ominous feeling began to consume me. "I need to see her. To tell her I'm sorry."

"Leave!" Charlie shoved me backwards. I was in too much shock to move and then the angry started to flare within me.

"I'm not going anywhere until I see her!" I yelled. There was no one who would stand in my way now.

"Don't you understand?" Charlie screamed inches from my face. "She isn't here! She hasn't been here for quite some time, thanks to you!"

"What do you mean? Where is she? What has happened to her?" I needed to know.

"You happened to her! You destroyed her!" Charlie slammed the door in my face and walked back into his house. I stood frozen there on his porch in complete shock. Questions were burning through my mind, but every thought was drowned out by the sounds coming from Charlie's bedroom. He was crying.

Charlie was a strong man, but right now the man that I had grown to know and respect during the time that I had spent with Bella, sat on the floor of his bedroom, with his back up against the closed door. He was sobbing uncontrollably into his large, fatherly hands. The same hands that held Bella up when she was learning to walk and the same hands that held her the day that she was brought into the world, now covered a pain that I had caused. This was wrong, a mistake. Panic and doubt started to settle in. Bella has to be here!

I was going to get some answers, even if it caused Charlie more pain. I needed to find her. Just as my fist was about to make contact with the front door, it stopped under no force of its own.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, not really sure why Alice showing up would shock me. But the panic was drowned out everything else. I hadn't told my family that I was coming back. I didn't want to get their hopes up or mine for that matter. But I knew Alice would have seen it coming.

"Leave him be, Edward." Alice said, her voice was dark with raw emotions. I had never seen Alice like this. She was heartbroken. The pain was evident on her face but her mind gave nothing away. She knew very well how to block thoughts from me but still the fact that she was doing it now, made me feel like I would drown in my own fear. It was totally consuming me now.

"Alice, I need to see, Bella." I said, pain and anger ringing through my voice. It was anger at myself that was raging through my mind. How could I have let her go? I thought, mentally berating myself for being so stupid.

Desperation wracked my mind. What were they hiding from me? This was torture. If I could only get up to her room, to see that everything was normal I might have calmed down enough to listen to reason but the look in Alice eyes told me that she wouldn't allow me to go in.

"She's not here, Edward." She said, with the kind of sadness only one who truly loved you could show, and lead me away from the door. She hasn't been here for a long time. I stopped in my tracks before we made it back to the car and just stared at her sympathetic face. My mind stopped working properly because I knew what she was trying to tell me was obvious but I couldn't seem to make it out. The heartache was engulfing everything within me; it was all I could feel now.

"I need her, Alice." I felt my face crumble under the pain.

"I'll take you to her." She answered with only sadness in her eyes. Take me to her? Where was she? Was she still alive? What happened to my Bella? How could I have not been here to protect her from whatever happened?

What have I done?