I don't own Harry Potter.

Previously on Desperate Housewives… JK! Previously on Parental Control:

James practically slapped himself- duh! Lily had told him a million times that Matt was over protective- and the very first impression that Matt had gotten was some womanizer trying to get into his (Matt's) daughter's pants (or some thing like that…) Anyway, his storming off didn't help.

James suddenly spun around, and was gone.

The House w/ Matt

Matt glared at the TV, watching his daughter intimidate the frightened boy beside her.

Suddenly, there was a faint knock on the door. Matt jumped up. If it was that James boy….

Matt pulled open the door to see exactly whom he had not wanted to see. James stood there, a black haired girl hanging on his neck.

"Come on Jamesie, you promised! I wanna-" the girl was saying as James shook his head.

"Charlotte, we're here, I've gotta go!" he argued.

"HAH!" Matt yelled, triumphant. "You are cheating on Lily!"

The girl slowly turned around. Matt faltered. She looked like a feminine James with tamed hair.

She giggled. "Cheating on Lily? Why would Jamesie do that? He loooves his darling Lily! Before they were dating he used to sit around, playing the piano all sum-."

James shushed her. "Not now, Charlotte."

"But it was so cute! Sirius would come and beg you to play Quidditch and you would-"

"He doesn't care!" James said hurriedly, guessing that Matt would not want to hear about how Sirius had asked him what he saw in Lily. AKA, Sirius's leading question of, "Have you ever seen her in a towel? Only a towel? You did live together for a year!"

And Matt probably would NOT enjoy hearing of James's answer of "YES! It was the third best moment of my life!"

And Sirius's question: "Third?"

… But maybe he would be OK hearing James response of- WAIT! Charlotte really was telling him!

"And then Jamie said, 'Bodies aren't everything, Padfoot!' I love him so much!" Charlotte shrieked, pulling James through the door.

James moaned. "I'm sorry, Mister Evans, I was coming over here and she would not let me leave without her. It was either let her come willingly or have her bring our Aunt Kareen Jo Judith, and that is something you DO NOT want to see!"

Charlotte stopped her inspection of the Evans's antique tea set and turned around, holding her ears. "NEVER SOIL A PLACE WITH THAT NAME EVER AGAIN! NEVER!"

James nodded grimly. Matt Evans just looked at the two of them, wondering how they were related.

With Lils!

Lily sighed, impatient as a black car drove up to the playground. Eric shuffled around nervously as a tall boy stepped out of the sleek automobile.

He had wavy blonde hair and tanned skin. His teeth looked bleached, glinting through his grin. Chocolate eyes smiled at Lily, inviting her to do anything.

Lily rolled her eyes. Her boyfriend might have been mistaken for a "pretty boy," but, in all truth, having a fitness guru mother prevented that from being true.

She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of gum. Stuffing the wrapper in her pocket and the gum in her mouth, an unimpressed Lily swayed towards Mr. Hunk-o-Junk, as she had named him in her head.

"Hi," he said in a deep tenor. "I'm Austin Brandon." He stuck out a hand for Lily to shake, but she glanced at it disdainfully until he let it drop.

Eric 'interrupted.' "Uh, can I go now?"

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," Austin replied, not even waving good-bye as Lily tried to signal to Eric that she wanted to go home.

"Soooo…." Austin started. But before he could use one of his retarded pick up lines for bimbos, Lily snapped his head off.

"Look, mister beach boy. I don't give a crap about you or your feelings or ego or whatever. I have a boyfriend, and anyone who tries to come between us had better be prepared to be stuck at their therapist's for the next twenty years. As a matter of fact, I think the two of us sent someone to therapy before we were together, so you'd better watch it, mister!"

Austin laughed. "I bet your boyfriend couldn't beat up shit, girl. You'll be much better off with the Austinator."

Lily gaped at him, mortified beyond belief. Did he just say Austinator? What kind of sick world did this guy come from anyway? No where near Earth, that was for sure.

That name kind of name should only be reserved for deepest, darkest pit of hell or Hades or whatever kind of torturous afterlife anyone could come up with… disturbing, Lily thought. Her disgust must have showed on her face, because before she could say anything, Austin quickly lied.

"One of my exes made that up!"

Lily slapped him and ran all the way home.

At Lily's house:

Matt sat on the couch, stuffing his epiphany down further and further, determined to not truly experience the moment of enlightenment.

But then James had to go and make that impossible.

James suddenly turned to Matt, his blue-gray-green eyes wide and sincere. "I hope you know that I'm not just trying to get into Lily's pants. I know that that's the first impression you really got of me, and I'm sorry about that. If I had a daughter, when she turned twelve, I would strip down to my boxers and sit in my front yard in a lawn chair with a…. what do you call the exploding sticks?"

"Guns?" Matt was confused.

"Yeah, with a gun and a raccoon hat and a beer and scare away any boys that dared to get close enough to our house."

Matt hurriedly covered his snort of humor with a cough. He was an expert in this area, and James didn't suspect a thing.

James blew out through his nose and continued. "An when we came here today, I was actually hoping that Lily would, like, go to the bathroom so I could ask you something."

"What?" Matt asked almost fearfully.

James swallowed. If Matt said no…

"Can I have your blessing to ask for Lily's hand in marriage?"

Matt fell off the chair.

And Lily burst through the door.

5 minutes later- Matt has finally accepted his epiphany and had regained the use of his chair. Lily is sitting on James's lap, and Eric and Sirius are standing by the door. It's pretty obvious who Lily chose to be her boyfriend.

James glanced at Matt and grinned. Matt started rubbing his ring finger, twisting his wedding ring around in circles.

James pulled Lily outside, his nervous fingers twitching at the worn little leather box in his pocket. When they got outside, Lily raised an eyebrow. It remained arched until James soundlessly lowered himself onto one knee.

Matt could hear the answer.

THE END!

Thank you for reading. I wrote this a long time ago, and I when I went to change Sirius's girlfriend's name, I realized that it really HAS been a long time, and also that it seems a little like a crack fic. Oh, well.