Summary Details: Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright?

Disclaimer: I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun.

Author's Notes: So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing.

Warnings: Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue.

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Naruto isn't what one would call the brightest light bulb in the room.

Or the house for that matter.

There have been times when Naruto had developed surprisingly workable plans under stress, but there were many more times when he just plain screwed up.

Many, many more times.

So it became rather clear to his team that the bad far outweighed the good when it came to the blond boy.

Which is why they were so surprised when they couldn't poke a single hole (they probably didn't try hard enough) in Naruto's story of why he had suddenly ran out of the room half an hour ago.

Kiki had been so hurt that she had started to cry again.

Of course, it was nothing more that a tear.

But, it was Kiki, and a single tear somehow managed to convey her hurt at being ran-away from, whilst leaving her dignified and proud.

A single perfect teardrop had flowed (yes, a single tear can flow) from her right eye, making it's journey down her flawless pale cheek and dropping to the ground.

Whilst in all normal people, the teardrop would've lost at least some moisture on the way and most probably never have made it to the ground, this was Kiki we're talking about.

The teardrop left not one mark behind and the resulting drop echoed throughout the room.

(The team would later look back shudder in disbelief at the thought of a teardrop echoing)

Tsunade vowed to disown the blond bastard as his surrogate son/brother type person and give her precious necklace to someone more deserving.

Like Kiki. Because it was so obvious that Kiki would made such a better Hokage than Naruto.

Sakura vowed to kill the blond bastard. How dare he make Kiki cry?

Inner Sakura was on a rampage and for the first time in her life, Sakura seriously considered letting her out.

Now, Sakura might be smartest genin of her year, but sometimes she could be astonishingly stupid. Has the idea of letting Inner Sakura out when they met danger never occurred to her? I mean, I bet even Kisame would be wetting his pants in fear and taking responsibility for things he didn't do if left alone with her for three minutes. Like plaiting daises into his hair.

And the guy didn't even have any hair!

See how effective Inner Sakura could be?

But no one listens to one little, tiny, insignificant authoress.

Oh no! She doesn't know what she's talking about and she's just -

Ahem.

As I was saying, Sakura was going to kill the blond bastard.

Sasuke was going to kill the blond bastard. Painfully.

Preferably with 72 hours of torture by the Sharigan thrown in there somewhere.

How dare he make Kiki cry? She was his only living relative left (Itachi isn't human so he doesn't count. Sasuke nodded at his own logic). How exactly was Kiki a relative of his? Well, he hadn't gotten up to that part yet, but she just was!

And when someone with the Sharigan looks at you in that way, you agree. Of course Kiki is an Uchiha!

It was so obvious, it was a surprise that we didn't see it before.

But Kakashi! Oh Kakashi was going to do much worse.

He was going to torture the blond bastard, torture him some more and then kill him. Painfully.

And there was going to be 144 hours of Sharigan torture in there.

Pfft. 72 hours was for amateurs.

His beloved Kiki was crying over a dumb blond who probably didn't know the difference between his ass and his mouth. Oh, the motherfu -

Whoa there Kakashi.

Rated T remember, no naughty words. And that isn't a very nice thing to say about your student.

Then the authoress realises her mistake of momentarily forgetting that Kakashi also has the Sharigan.

And Chidori.

And when it's Kakashi who looks at you like that, well, you either die a horrible painful death or you die an even more horrible and painful death than you imagined.

I mean, uh, fry the blond idiot! He, erm, deserves all four of your Chidori's. Yeah, that's right.

(Sorry Naruto, but when there's two Sharigan wielding ninjas out for blood, it's survival of the fittest)

Now, three of the four enraged avengers (for Tsunade was still the Hokage no matter how hard she tried to forget it, she still had a room full of papers to go through) made their way to Naruto's apartment, ready to tear him limb from limb.

Kiki was cradled lovingly in Kakashi's arms, despite her protests that she could run just as fast, if not faster than them! (She'd come first in every cross-country event her school had to offer and came first in the country. She'd be damned if she was going to be beaten by two twelve year olds and a man who had white hair!)

Kakashi just shook his head and muttered something about protecting her. Kiki was about to argue, but seeing the stubborn light in Kakashi's eyes, she sighed, said nothing and snuggled deeper into his arms.

Besides, it was nice and warm in Kakashi's arms. She felt safe there (because obviously, she couldn't feel safe anywhere else).

Sasuke was muttering something about torturing Naruto with his bloodline ability. Kiki felt a wave of sympathy for the boy.

"But I'm sure he didn't mean it," Kiki placated, her amber eyes glistening with understanding and magnanimity. "He's just boy and besides, he has that sealed within him. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable excuse as to why he left."

"There isn't. He's just an idiot."

Kiki looked towards the pink haired girl.

"Sakura," she said gently, bringing the teenager's attention to her. "Have you maybe thought that you've been slightly mean to Naruto? He's just a boy who likes you. There's no need to put him down because of that. And I'm sure that he's only annoying because he wants to get your attention. Shouldn't you be flattered? Instead, all you do is scream at him. It isn't very becoming of a woman."

Sakura looked on the verge of tears at Kiki's scolding, but she listened seriously and realised that Kiki was right (she always was) and that she had been unfair to the blond boy.

The tears of hurt turned to tears of gratitude. To think, Sakura might've continued treating Naruto like trash if Kiki hadn't come along (because Sakura couldn't figure out something as simple as that on her own).

"Thank you," Sakura whispered, and made a vow to herself to start treating Naruto better.

Kiki smiled softly, glad that her wisdom could help somebody.

Kakashi felt his love grow. Kiki was so intelligent and philosophical and.. and... stuff!

Five minutes they were bashing down Naruto's door, anger back in full force.

Despite Kiki's pleading, the three ninjas hadn't listened (shock, horror!) and burst into Naruto's apartment.

Only to find the blond boy hacking and coughing in bed, looking whiter than white.

He cracked open his eyes and stared glumly at his teammates and their charge.

"Hey," he croaked, sound more like a frog than a frog.

"...Naruto?" Sasuke asked, some of his anger dissipating at the sight of his best friend looking so... sickly.

"Bas-" hackhackhack (sounds like Naruto lost a lung somewhere in there) "-tard?"

The weak reply stirred some hidden healer string within Kiki and she detangled herself from Kakashi's grasp. Hurrying over to the boy, she placed three fingertips on to Naruto's head, somehow just knowing what to do.

There was a faint glow of chakra around Naruto's forehead and the colour started to return to his face.

As if moving on their own, Kiki's hands formed quick handseals, some of which Kakashi had never seen before.

Placing her fingers back on Naruto's forehead, three minutes passed in silence before Kiki removed her hand.

"What did you do?" Naruto asked agitated, looking like he was never sick in the first place.

Kiki was equally surprised. "I-I don't know."

And promptly fainted.

Kakashi, with his super ninja speed, caught his darling before she even started to sway.

"Chakra depletion," he answered the unspoken question.

I'd like to deplete her of her life, Naruto thought savagely, his plan almost ruined by Kiki. It had been such a good plan too!

He was going to be pretend to have really bad diarrhoea and hopefully stay in bed for the next few weeks until they could either:

a) Throw Kiki back into whatever hell she came from (for she had to be the spawn of the devil), or

b) Give Naruto time to come up with a better plan.

Naruto had briefly wondered if he could transfer to the Sand on the basis of being closer to Gaara because they shared the same plight blah, blah blah.

Until he realised that that reason sounded slightly queer and Naruto was not queer, thank you very much!

"You better get her to the hospital," Naruto suggested worriedly, inwardly wanting to hurt Kiki so that she'd actually have a real reason to be in hospital.

Whoever heard of someone going to the hospital for chakra depletion! It wasn't like there was anything the healers could do anyway.

Kakashi nodded and cradled Kiki within his arms again.

"I-I'll be there in a little while. I still don't feel too good. It was the milk I had this morning," Naruto said, coughing weakly as if to prove his point and waved at the empty milk container on his table.

His teammates and teacher nodded, clearly not listening to him and left hurriedly. For the first time, Naruto was relieved that he didn't receive the attention of his sensei and teammates.

In their haste to save Kiki (because she so needed saving), the three ninjas had forgotten one very important fact.

Naruto doesn't get sick. Ever. (See why Naruto needs a new plan?)

It is a well know fact that Naruto wasn't the brightest light bulb around, but one redeeming feature about the blond was his ability to produce well-thought out plans under stress and danger.

He would definitely say that this current situation fit into the "stress and danger" category.

And since desperate times call for desperate measures, Naruto grabbed a clean piece of paper (which was very hard to find) and started to write.

Bastard and Gill-face,

No, that didn't sound right. Too impolite and Naruto didn't want to piss these people off since they could probably kill him in a second.

Probably less.

Besides, he was asking for help.

Itachi and Kisame,

There. That sounds better.

Itachi and Kisame,

I need your help...

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Author's Note: Thanks to all those who reviewed! They were oogled, and drooled over with warm appreciation. Hope you like this chapter as well!