DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. No copyright infringement intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
[Beta: PTB]
AN: Songs listened to on repeat while writing: A Fire Inside – Days of Phoenix (morning alarm song), and The Cure – The Perfect Girl.
Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.
*Warning. This chapter includes discussion of child abandonment and contains mild language. *
"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
~ Chuck Palahniuk Invisible Monsters
The Perfect Girl
Chapter Two
BPOV
I woke to the random song on my iPod stereo and considered going back to sleep. I often felt that the song that happened to be chosen by random numbers and mathematical equations knew more about the day to come than any other all-knowing-being ever could. I squeezed my eyes shut and ducked further under the covers.
I was just barely starting to drift asleep when there was a pounding on my door. I groaned and pulled the covers down. The same song was still playing. I didn't even get an extra two minutes.
Today's forecast: apathy and possible chance of mild repetition.
I swung my feet to the floor and shivered at the contact. I hated sleeping with socks; they always ended up crumpled at the foot of the bed and lost forever due to the sheet monsters, so I slept barefoot.
"I'm up, I swear," I mumbled through a yawn as I rubbed my eyes. I walked into my closet and stood in the center, blinking. What to wear. This part of my day was always the same, but held no purpose. No one would care what I was wearing, or even notice if I brushed my teeth. Very few people would even notice if I left the warmth of my bed, but unfortunately Charlie was one of them.
"Hey bright-stuff, what's for breakfast?" Charlie asked.
I rolled my eyes at the nickname and blatant sarcasm over my dark outfit. "How about blueberry pancakes?" I asked as I rummaged through the cupboards.
"Sounds great. So, I heard from Mr. Banner that there is a new family in town. A kid your age and his uncle, or something." Charlie continued to ramble on while I busied myself with the task of breakfast, trying to ignore him.
I am Jack's bland disinterest, I thought.
I rolled my eyes at the end of Charlie's monologue and forced a smile before turning around with his stack of pancakes on a plate. "That's great, Dad. Here are your pancakes," I said, trying to sound like I had paid attention.
"Of all the books you've read, you could have picked up a book on the art of faking a conversation, Bells," he said sarcastically. I placed his plate down on the table in front of him and his eyes darted to the pile of pancakes. His stomach rumbled audibly. "Mmm, that smells delicious! Thanks, Bells," he said. Men. So easy.
Charlie and I ate our breakfast in a comfortable silence. He always got up from the table first, took my plate and cleaned them both before making some comment like,"Well, guess I should head out, thanks for breakfast, Bells," and like clockwork, he did.
"Alright, Dad. See you tonight for dinner at seven."
"It's a date," Charlie and I said at the same time; him out loud, me under my breath.
Everything was the same, and nothing unexpected ever happened. Well, almost never.
My parents were married at the age of nineteen, and were high school sweethearts. They had lived in Forks their whole lives, just like their parents and grandparents. My mother, Renee, dreamed of leaving the small town and seeing the world, or at least another state, but she got pregnant right out of high school and Charlie got a good job working at the police station filing evidence. They decided to settle down and save up money to move somewhere when I was a bit older. At first, it seemed like life was perfect for the three of us. Charlie went through training and became an officer, and Renee started taking art classes to pass the time with me at home.
On my fifth birthday, my mother went out to get the birthday candles for my cake. She was often rather scatter-brained and had forgotten them in the rush of putting together my party. There was a large group of kids, all playing in the backyard and running around screaming throughout the house. I had a tiara made of feathers and fake diamonds and a bright pink new dress. It was the birthday party of all birthday parties.
After an hour, my father started to grow concerned. After two hours, Alice's mom, Esme, went back home and grabbed some birthday candles so the party could continue and I could blow out my candles. Once it had been three hours since Renee left for the store, Charlie had the entire town out looking for her.
She never came back.
She had left the car parked at the grocery store, with a note left on the driver seat. My father never told me what she said in the letter and I never asked. I didn't want to know what would cause a mother to abandon her husband and daughter on her little girl's fifth birthday. I didn't care about what excuse she gave or how she rationalized it. To me, she wasn't my mother.
A mother never abandons her family.
I haven't had a birthday party since. Charlie always gets me a present, but he never wraps it, and he always leaves it on the dining table before going to work early. He always leaves a note that says "I love ya, Bells." Never "Happy Birthday" because it never was. I think that the day is just as difficult for him as it is for me. It's the day he gained a daughter, but lost his companion.
I sighed and shuffled my feet to the counter. I took the rinsed dishes out of the sink and put them into the dishwasher. I added the soap, and clicked it to on. I looked at the small dry-erase-board on the refrigerator for a few seconds before picking up the eraser, wiping off the message that I had written the previous day, and picking up the green marker.
Yesterday, future;
endless circles of holidays
no one celebrates.
Every morning I would write a new haiku on how I felt about the day ahead of me, and every evening Charlie would write one word to sum up his feelings about the day he had experienced. It was our way of sharing how our days went, or what was on our mind. We never talked about the haiku or the random word and we never discussed any issues at the dining table during a meal. We enjoyed our privacy and our routine had just become another static event in the day of endless monotony.
I rushed to my beat up red truck and opened the door quickly, hopping inside and starting the car. I sat with my teeth chattering for a few minutes while I let the engine warm up.
I played with the radio tuner as I drove to school, searching for the exact position on the dial to bring in the radio station. I kept glancing back up at the road to make sure I wasn't swerving off to the side. I quickly grew frustrated, and huffed in annoyance, smacking my palm against the dashboard. Today is not going to be a good day.
I was nearing the school parking lot and glanced back up so I wouldn't miss my turn. As my eyes looked out at the road, I saw something in front of me. I slammed on my breaks, my heart pounding in my chest. I was only going twenty-five, maybe thirty miles an hour, so it didn't take long to stop. When I finally focused on what was in front of me, I gasped.
I noticed the bronze hair first, and then the vivid emerald eyes. The hair because it was shining as a few sun beams peaked out from the clouds. The eyes because they were wide open, fear-stricken, and mesmerizing.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" I shouted, my hand shaking at my mouth as I blinked rapidly.
The boy's eyes narrowed, the fear being replaced by irritation.
"Watch where the fuck you're driving, you bitch!" the boy shouted back. He seemed to take a deep breath as he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. He turned his head back towards the school, and continued crossing the street toward the sidewalk.
I sat there for what felt like hours in complete shock. I almost hit someone. Stupid, Bella. So stupid! My hands were still shaking, and I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. A honking from behind me woke me up from my daze and I eased onto the gas pedal again and pulled into the school parking lot.
I parked in my normal spot, and cut the engine. I stared straight ahead for another few minutes, completely lost in thought. Why the hell was I messing with the stupid stereo anyway? It's just a five minute drive. When the three minute warning bell sounded, I jumped. I grabbed my bag beside me, and rushed to first period.
My first four classes went by in a blur. I was still a little jumpy from the almost accident, but by lunch I was more hungry than anything else. I joined the back of the line, holding my black binder close to my chest and keeping my eyes on the floor. I had gotten pretty good at the invisible look.
"There you are. I haven't seen you all morning!" Alice said from behind me.
I sighed and turned around, meeting her gaze as she skipped everyone that had joined the line behind me. A few people began to protest, but she just flipped them off, not glancing back at them.
Today she was wearing her knee-high white boots, black leggings and her black pencil skirt. She had on a modest looking long sleeve top with a sweet-heart neck line. She was in a good mood today, I determined. She always wore her white boots when she was in an exceptionally good mood.
"So, did you hear about the new kid? He's a looker, I wonder what his type is," Alice said.
I rolled my eyes and sighed again, shuffling my feet. I hoped that no one had seen or heard about me almost running him over outside the school parking lot. The last thing I needed was gossip involving me.
"Yeah, Charlie mentioned something about him this morning, but I wasn't paying attention. Something about living with his uncle..." I shrugged as I stood up on my tip toes to see what the holdup was in the line. I spotted Jessica Stanley toward the front, trying to decide which lunch to get. Probably trying to count the caloric intake of today's choices and debate the ease of it coming back up in the bathroom, I thought, rolling my eyes.
"Well, I got the scoop from Lauren. I was cringing the whole time I had to talk to her of course, but I just had to know. Apparently, he lives with his uncle who transferred into the local pediatrics wing of the hospital from Chicago." Alice continued to ramble, and I tried to pretend like I cared.
I figured that as long as he didn't bother me, I wouldn't need to get to know him. I found that the less I let people in, the less likely I was to get hurt. My only friends in town were Alice and her brother, Emmett. I used to be friends with Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend, but we grew apart when we were little. Her brother, Jasper, was a trouble maker in the town but I always had a feeling he didn't deserve the reputation he had. Emmett was like the big brother I never had. He took care of me and Alice, and made sure that no one gave us a hard time.
Emmett had worked under the table at a mechanics shop in town since he was fifteen. Alice and Emmett's father, Brandon McCarty, died in a car accident seven years ago. Their mom, Esme, took on a second job to help pay the bills, but things were hard. Emmett became the male of the household and he never complained about it. He would do anything for his mother and sister, and probably me.
Charlie and I tried to help out in any way that we could after the accident. I would often fix meals, and bring them over when Esme just couldn't get out of bed. Charlie would often give me extra grocery money when we went to the store to get them food for their house, and he gave them a ride when they needed it until Emmett was old enough to drive.
For a while, I used to dream that Charlie would get together with Esme, and Alice and I could be like real sisters, and Emmett wouldn't have to work so hard, but it never happened. Charlie was still hung up on Renee, and Esme didn't think she could disgrace her husband by ever being with another man. That didn't stop Alice and I from plotting ways to get them together when we were younger. We quickly learned that they knew the whole time what we were trying, and let the idea go when they sat us both down and told us that love is required for a relationship. We were heartbroken, but we decided we didn't have to have a certificate to make us sisters.
I looked back at Alice when she finally stopped rambling about the new guy and gave her a look that said I really don't care. She sighed, and put her hands on her hips. "Oh come on, Bella! Didn't you see him, he totally screams 'dark and broody;' isn't that your thing? You guys could be perfect for each other!"
I tried to shush her but she just rolled her eyes. My face was bright red and I tried to hide behind my hair. I paid the woman for my lunch and walked quickly towards our normal table with my head down. I tripped in the center aisle just before our table and collided with something hard. My apple went flying and my bottle of lemonade hit the floor with a loud crash. I heard someone cursing, and looked up as I tried to steady myself.
Emerald eyes. I gasped as I backed up quickly. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" I said quickly, my whole body shaking.
"That seems to be all you can say," the bronze haired boy said through tight lips.
"I… I—"
"Save it. I don't care. You would think that nearly killing me the first time would have taught you to keep your head up and your eyes in front of you, but apparently it didn't. I'll say it again, and hopefully this time you'll fucking listen. Watch. Where. The. Fuck. You're. Going." He straightened his shoulders and looked me over from head to toe before turning and walking away.
I stood there, shaking, my mouth open, and still stuttering useless, incoherent words. My face was even brighter red than before and I wanted to run out of the cafeteria.
"Oh my God, it was you who almost hit him this morning?" Alice said from behind me.
I spun around quickly, my eyes wide with shock. "You heard about that?" I shrieked with panic.
She nodded. "Yeah, Lauren said that Tyler saw the whole thing. I didn't know it was you, though," she said.
I gulped and bent down to grab my lemonade and apple. There was no way I could drink the lemonade for a few minutes without it exploding all over me, and the apple was so badly bruised it was a lost cause. My stomach was so filled with jittery nerves, I was partially thankful that my lunch was in-consumable; otherwise I might have been spending fifth period in the girl's bathroom next to Jessica.
"I… I didn't see him. He just came out of nowhere." I tried to explain, but my words felt like they were just taking up valuable air. Excuses, I thought.
Alice steered us toward our table and I sat down and threw my head down against the cold faux wood. There was a quiet thud and I groaned. Why did I get out of bed today? I exhaled loudly, trying to calm myself. Oh, right, because life is a constant loop of inescapable embarrassment and predictability. Of course it had to be me who nearly killed the new kid, and of course it had to be me who ran into him at lunch, making a fool out of myself. Of course he had to be exactly the type I would fawn over if I wasn't completely and utterly mortified. There was no way in hell that he would ever look at me with interest after the spectacle I had made of myself today. His first day.
I sat through lunch while Alice prattled on about her latest boyfriend. Apparently Kirk from the swim team didn't pad his speedo. I stifled my gag and tried to tune Alice out as she referred to him as being Olympic-sized.
A lot of people call Alice easy, or even a slut. She isn't, though. Those with doctorates would say she acts out due to her need for attention. The insensitive would say she has Daddy Issues. I just considered her my best friend.
Alice was constantly trying to be better for boys, for her mother, for her brother; for everyone but herself. She was always seeking approval. When her father died, her mother holed herself up in her room and hardly came out. In a way, she abandoned her children, only letting herself grieve the loss of her husband instead of helping her family grieve together and get through it. Alice and Emmett raised themselves for the next few months. Charlie and I helped where we could, but I was Alice's age and couldn't do much.
As Alice and I grew up, Emmett had tried to be the father figure to his baby sister, but there were only so many roles one man could take on. When Alice discovered boys, it was difficult for Emmett to handle her. He enlisted my help to keep an eye on her, make sure she was safe and not being hurt, but other than that, we couldn't do much but hope she snapped out of it.
I took one for the team and let Alice drag me around shopping, and invited her over for sleepovers. We grew inseparable. We didn't have much money to shop, so we often went to second hand stores and found what she called the jewels of junk. She could find an outfit, accessories, and matching shoes for less than fifteen dollars on a good day. I swear she had a sixth sense for finding bargains.
After five years of watching her fall apart, I couldn't take it anymore. We were fifteen and curled up in the same bed at her place, facing each other and grinning like fools. I had decided that I hated seeing her fake smiles, and I wanted to see her grinning like she was at that moment more often. I had asked her why she did it, why she let boys take advantage of her the way she did. She told me it was because they made her feel important. For that entire moment of being with them, she felt like she had a purpose, and someone cared about her. I had tried to tell her that I cared about her, but she told me it wasn't the same. That hurt, a lot, but I understood. She wanted to feel love and acceptance from a male, and so she dated them and slept with them to achieve it.
Like I said, she wasn't a slut. She didn't take guys in the bathrooms at school, and she didn't sleep around with a different guy every week. She would date them for a few months before moving on. Boys were like seasons to Alice. Every season had a purpose, a style, and an ending. Some seasons would linger on long past their expected expiration date while others ended much quicker.
Her latest season was Kirk. They had gone to the Winter Ball together, and he finally asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend in January. She agreed eagerly, and they'd been together since.
"Alice, I seriously don't want to hear about your boyfriend's package. Please," I said quietly.
"Alright fine, then what do you want to hear about, because from where I'm sitting you seem entirely wrapped up in your own little world," she said bitterly.
"I'm sorry, Alice. You're right. It's just been a rough day for me, that's all." With that, she let it go. We sat in the cafeteria silently for the remainder of lunch.
I opened up my binder and began drawing obscure images of distorted balloons and wilted flowers. The house had been covered with daisies on my fifth birthday, and I still remember what they looked like four days later as they began to droop, barely hanging on to vivid color. They reflected my hope that my mother would return home. I clung to that hope until my heart just couldn't take it anymore, and I let go. I closed the door to that part of my life, and I moved on. I became the woman of the house, and I swore to myself I would never be like my mother.
At the sound of the bell I slammed my binder shut and got up, walking silently to Biology. Alice turned right to head to Math and we waved goodbye. I sauntered into class with my head down. I stopped in the middle of the doorway when a strange feeling came over me, causing the hair on the top of my arms to stick up. I looked up slowly and looked around the room.
There, next to my assigned seat, was the new kid. His angry, narrowed green eyes were locked onto my figure as I stood there, motionless. He was staring at me like I was the most hideous thing in the room, maybe even the world. I shuddered and pushed myself forward, walking slowly with my eyes straight ahead of me, determined not to trip.
I slowly slid onto my stool and kept my binder pressed tightly against my chest, my bag still hanging on my shoulder. I looked like I was ready to run out of the room at the drop of a hat.
"I would say some rude remark about you stalking me, but this time you were here first, so I guess it wouldn't fit," he said.
I turned and looked at him, trying to decipher the tone in his voice, but gave up trying when his eyes narrowed infinitesimally. I gasped and looked down at the table, my mind racing. Did he really think I was stalking him? Running into him on purpose? I said the first thing that came to mind.
"I'm sorry about this morning, and this afternoon. It's just been a really off day for me. Can we start over?" I lifted my head and looked at him cautiously out of the corner of my eye, searching his expression for a sign that he accepted my lame apology. I took a deep breath and released my tight grip on my binder. I set it down on the table and turned on my stool to face him properly. I held out a shaky right hand, and held his gaze.
"I'm Bella Swan," I said softly. I stared into his green eyes and waited for any kind of response. After a moment of my hand lingering in the air, I looked down at his hand, then back up to his eyes. I must look ridiculous, I thought. I let my hand drop to my lap, rubbing the sweat off on my jeans, and turned back to face the front of the class. I pulled my hair from my right shoulder over to my left and let it hang down, covering the side of my face. I stared at the chalk board and scolded my stupidity, pleading for Mr. Banner to begin class.
The forty-five minutes of lecture and pop quiz were excruciating. When the bell rang, I was up and out of my seat in seconds, holding the binder to my chest like it was a floatation device and I was stranded in the middle of the ocean.
Sixth period was a nightmare. After the fourth volleyball mishap, and nearly knocking Mike Newton unconscious with my horrible, or excellent aim depending on how you looked at it, Coach Clapp told me to sit in the bleachers. I praised whatever god happened to be looking over me at that moment for small miracles and sat on the lowest bench for the remaining twenty minutes.
On the way home, my whole body was shaking. The lack of food was really taking its toll, and I was terrified to even glance anywhere but at the road in front of me. I made it home safely, but the five minute drive took me nearly ten due to my slow speed.
I spent the day lost in homework, and reading Pride and Prejudice for English. I had read the story before, and it really wasn't one of my favorites, but it wasn't painfully boring like Shakespeare was. When the sun set at six o'clock I made my way downstairs to start dinner. I kept myself busy in the kitchen until Charlie came home.
"Hey Chief, did the world make it through another day?" I asked him.
"You bet. Another day saved due to the sidekicks of society." He hung his coat up on the hook and took off his belt. He unloaded the bullets to his gun and put them in the drawer of the table next to the door before kicking off his boots. "So what's for dinner?" he asked.
"Ravioli, French bread, and asparagus," I replied.
"Smells great, Bells. So did you get a look at the new kid today?" Charlie asked, trying to attempt a playful tone.
I groaned and nodded, trying to avoid the conversation.
"Is he cute? Should I be prepared to interrogate him for prom?"
I turned around quickly with an oven-mitt still on my right hand and scoffed at him.
"What?" he said in a ridiculous tone that hinted at him feigning innocence. I glared back and he sighed. "Alright, fine, it's dropped." He drew a halo above his head and then moved his index finger and thumb across his lips making a zipped-lips motion. I nodded once in approval and turned around to take the bread out of the oven.
We ate dinner quietly. Occasionally Charlie would comment on an ingredient in the ravioli and I would explain it to him. He worshipped my cooking, and found the ingredients I managed to make work interesting. I enjoyed taking care of my father in such a simple way. It beat pizza and burgers every night.
I had learned to cook at the age of nine. I spent most of my afternoons in the library after school, waiting for Charlie to get off work since I couldn't be home alone. I read nearly the entire library, only avoiding history books and romance novels. I even helped the librarians put the books back on the shelves when I grew tired of reading. Once I was fourteen, I argued with Charlie that I would be fine at home, and that I could even run over to the McCarty's if I needed anything. Eventually he agreed, but it took some convincing.
Charlie cleared the table and rinsed off the dishes, leaving them in the sink, while I put away the leftovers. He went and sat down in the living room to watch the recap of the day's sports games he had missed while at work, and I unloaded the dishwasher from the morning.
I completed my nightly routine of brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and repacking my school bag for the next day. I sat on my bed once I was in my pajamas and sorted through my music list, looking for something upbeat to end the day on. I pressed play on one of my favorites and leaned back onto my pillow. Robert Smith's voice flowed from the ear-buds and I found myself smiling as my lids grew heavy. I was fairly certain that tomorrow couldn't possibly be any worse than today had been. But then again, I could always be wrong.
