Thank you all so much for the feedback and favs! For those to whom I can't reply via PM, I'll thank you here. :)


Renji was surprised to find the captain's private quarters quite cozy. He had expected the place to be filled with extravagant furnishings like his own captain's mansion—perhaps a little less given that Kuchiki was much higher-ranked than the Ukitake family—but there were almost none. The living room was sparsely decorated, the sturdy wooden chairs well-worn, the mat clean but simple. The walls were dotted with photographs and paintings—some looked like they were drawn by children.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," Juushiro said apologetically as he returned from the kitchen with two steaming cups of green tea. "The water took a little longer to boil than I'd expected. I'm not used to having visitors over, you see." He placed one of the cups down on the low table, and offered the other to the lieutenant.

Renji accepted his tea politely. "Not even Kyoraku-taicho?" he asked, curious.

Juushiro laughed and waved his hand in the air with a look of affection in his eyes. "Ah, he just makes himself at home," he said. Then, he knelt down next to the low table and peered at the cut on Renji's forehead. "If you don't mind..."

The redhead placed his cup down and moved closer to the captain, then sat back down on his heels. He felt the captain's long sleeves brush against his cheeks ever-so-slightly, then, he heard the man say, "There we go, you must've been hit by a piece of rock when you were smashing the place apart." There was a slight sting, then Juushiro gave a satisfied "hmmph" and pulled away.

"It's done?" Renji asked before he could stop himself. As soon as the words left his mouth, he cringed, realizing how rude he must've sounded, questioning the captain when the man had volunteered to help him. This was Ukitake-taicho! How many members of the Gotei 13 could boast that they had been invited into the captain's home, much less being healed by him personally? "I'm sorry, I'm just surprised..." he began to explain.

Juushiro chuckled good-naturedly. "Stop apologizing. Like I said, you don't have to be so formal here," he said, eyeing the redhead with a hint of amusement.

Feeling embarrassed by his faux pas, Renji nodded. Then, for lack of other things to say or do, he wrapped his hands around his tea cup and stared at it. Should he just thank the captain and leave? After all, that was the only reason the captain had invited him in. Now that it's done...

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" Juushiro asked, interrupting Renji's thoughts. When Renji looked up in surprise, he quickly added, "It's nothing fancy, just some rice and broiled mackerel that my relative sent over this morning."

Renji hesitated. He wasn't used to interacting with someone like Ukitake-taicho—his friends were all as loud and easy-going as he was, he didn't have to worry about offending them by speaking his mind. Ukitake-taicho seemed down-to-earth, but he was still a captain. Renji suddenly wished Rukia was here—she would know what to do, or say.

"Yes?" Juushiro asked again.

The friendly, almost-eager smile on the captain's face made Renji feel guilty. Scratching his head a little awkwardly, Renji finally nodded. How long could dinner last anyway?

When the food was heated up and laid out on the low table, Renji followed Juushiro's lead, mimicking how the captain held his chopsticks and matching the man's pace. To his astonishment, it was the captain who began a conversation.

"If you don't mind my asking," Juuhsiro said, dabbing the corner of his mouth with a handkerchief. "Do you always train alone?"

Renji quickly swallowed his food and replied, "Just recently. I usually spar with Ikka...Madarame-san."

Juushiro nodded with a thoughtful look on his face. Was this too soon to bring up the topic? He looked at the younger man and noticed the glint of wariness in the brown eyes across the table. He decided to tread gently.

"I used to train alone, when I was much, much younger," Juushiro said.

Renji's eyebrows shot up at the unexpected, rather personal information. He couldn't help wondering where this conversation was headed.

Juushiro could feel the young man's questioning gaze on his face, and he went on, "I pushed myself because I felt like I have to make up for being ill, being weaker than everyone else." He glanced at Renji. "But I didn't want my family to know. I hid it even from Shunsui. I thought that it was a burden that only I understood, and that I have to deal with it myself."

Renji stared at the captain. Suddenly, he realized what was going on. He had no idea how Juushiro found out, but it looked like the captain had somehow picked up on his thoughts. It was subtle, but there was no doubt what the man was trying to do. You have no idea what I'm going through, he thought, feeling a little bitter. You're strong, powerful, you come from a big, loving family. You didn't drag your best friend back for her execution, you didn't try to kill your captain. You're nothing like me.

Juushiro saw the slight narrowing of Renji's eyes and knew that his message had been received. And if the young man's body language was any indication, Renji clearly did not like the unsolicited counsel. But Juushiro was unfazed.

"There are many ways to deal with emotions," he said, choosing his words carefully.

Renji clenched his jaw and forced himself to swallow his retort. After a moment of silence, he said, "Well, I only know one, and it's working fine so far." His voice was stiff.

"Is it really?" Juushiro raised an eyebrow. The brown eyes narrowed dangerously. "How many times did you end your training feeling better than before?"

Renji averted his gaze.

"I thought so," Juushiro said. Sensing the tension in the lieutenant's body, Juushiro sighed, and his voice softened. "Standing up for your beliefs is an admirable thing to do, Abarai-fukutaicho. There is nothing you need to be ashamed of."

This time, Renji could not hold back. "You don't understand," he said, practically spitting out the words.

"Do I not?" Juushiro shot back. "Perhaps you didn't know, but I, too, raised my sword against my superior, the person who groomed me and made me who I am today. Do I wish that I did not have to? Of course. But do I wish that I hadn't? No." Renji's eyes widened, and Juushiro continued, "Because if I hadn't, an innocent life would've been lost."

When the young man kept quiet, Juushiro said in a gentler tone, "I have seen many things in my lifetime. I dare not say that I understand them all, but I do know one thing—holding on to the past is the worst mistake one can ever make."

Renji sighed and looked up at the captain with tired eyes. "Do you think I haven't tried?" he asked. "I try and I try, but everytime I close my eyes, everytime I sleep, I see Rukia in my mind. Dead. And it would be all my fault." His voice trailed off into a harsh whisper. "If Ichigo hadn't come here, Rukia would be..."

"Do you think that Kurosaki-kun would've succeeded by himself?" Juushiro asked softly. "If you had not fought him, if you had not delayed Kuchiki-taicho, if you had not stood up to Aizen, do you think the outcome would be what it is today?"

Renji looked startled at the question—obviously this had never crossed his mind. After a long pause, he finally said, "I...I don't know."

"Nobody blames you but yourself, Abarai-fukutaicho," Juushiro went on. "You have to learn to move past this."

Renji pondered over the captain's words. The anger he had felt at the beginning of this conversation tapered off. Learn to move past this? "Easier said than done," he muttered, thinking out loud.

Juushiro nodded. "Yes, it is," he agreed. Then, looking at Renji, he said carefully, "If you don't mind, I'd like to help."

The redhead's eyes widened in surprise at the offer. "That...I...that's kind of you, but I..."

"No pressure, of course," Juushiro said immediately. "Take some time to think about it."

Renji nodded, obviously still very surprised. "Thank you, Ukitake-taicho," he said. "I...I'll keep that in mind."

The rest of dinner crept by slowly as Renji replayed the conversation in his head. Juushiro threw him the occasional glance, wondering if the lieutenant would take up his offer. It was hard to tell, even with Juushiro's sharp sense of intuition.

He would just have to wait and see, Juushiro decided.


This is not an intentional cliffy, it's just seems like a nice point to transition into the next part of the story. :)

Do let me know what you think of the story so far...I do realize this pairing is really rare (and kind of odd? hehe), so I think a little more build-up is necessary, compared to other pairings.