In which months pass, and things only get worse.
It had been only a few months, and Pearl was visibly deteriorating without instruction.
Garnet thought at first that it was a byproduct of her grief over Rose. Grief came in waves, and five years was nothing—especially after several thousand. She wasn't sure of Pearl's exact age, because that hadn't mattered, but they had fought together on Earth for more than a thousand times longer than Rose had been gone—and that was no small number. Amethyst still had days where it was the first day all over again, where she took to her room and destroyed everything she could, spun until she was sick with something other than crushing sadness. Garnet did, too, but she didn't have the luxury of showing it in front of her teammates. She would submerge herself in lava to cry, where no one else could see or hear or even sense her.
And Pearl…
Pearl was prone to fits where she would lock herself in her room for days, or else where she ran away until her feelings were out of her system. The alabaster Gem tried to make herself an island, and Garnet could see her failing at it without her future vision. She fought with Amethyst, got worked up to tears, and Garnet often had to intervene before one of them turned violent—and sometimes, when she chided the both of them, something would flicker in Pearl's pale blue eyes, some switch flipped, before she gave in.
Garnet didn't want to acknowledge it. Didn't want Pearl to think that fighting with Amethyst would get her the instruction she truly didn't need. Pearl was a perfectly capable Gem. Garnet couldn't fathom why she would want instruction now, after fighting so long and hard for independence and freedom. It seemed to go in the opposite spirit of everything Pearl stood for, everything she had ever striven to be.
Whatever the reason, it was hard to ignore. Work on the house was slow; there were only three able-bodied Gems to do the unfamiliar work, and Pearl and Amethyst hadn't been able to maintain Opal even once since Steven's birth. Pearl often took on too much for herself, and Garnet recognized this as a coping method. Working meant not thinking.
Still, Pearl was slipping. In battle was one thing; Garnet was learning to bark out orders, though it still felt strange on her tongue, and Pearl executed instruction flawlessly. But left to her own devices, Garnet would catch her obsessively checking on tiny things, little nitpicks in the house's design. Pearl had taken apart the coffee table three times before going to the hardware store to buy and hand-sand new pegs to make sure that everything was symmetrical. Another day, she had dismantled the slatted blinds for the skylight and oiled each shaft, re-sanded them all, and reassembled the entire thing—twice.
"You don't have to keep doing that stuff," Amethyst complained, hefting what would—soon—become the kitchen counter on her back. Work better shared, but Garnet was installing windows, and Amethyst was impatient to go somewhere by herself later.
"It needs to be done right," Pearl insisted, ignoring the way Amethyst huffed in disagreement. The purple Gem let the counter come to a resounding THUD against the ground, and Pearl nearly shrieked. "Amethyst! You'll damage the floor!"
"It's gonna be under a cabinet," Amethyst countered, rolling her visible eye. "Are we done with that yet? Because I don't know why we even need a stone counter—"
"It needs to be nice for Steven!" Pearl argued, and Garnet could almost hear her fraying. This would escalate into another fight, one Pearl had already lost along with her cool, and Garnet heaved a sigh.
"Pearl," she said dully, "Come walk with me. You can fix up the stairs later."
"I have to keep doin' this all on my own?" Amethyst whined, sounding betrayed. "Pearl was the one—"
"You can take a break, Amethyst," Garnet said, pushing her visor up. "Have some fun. I just need to talk to Pearl."
Looks were exchanged, and Garnet truthfully didn't care to see who moved first. She exited through the unfinished doorway without a second glance, heading for the far side of the beach, away from the city. Pearl wasn't far behind; Garnet didn't need to hear her quiet footsteps to know that Pearl was there. She said nothing until they had both passed under the lee of the temple, rounded the cliff face. The sunlight was fading, casting warm orange hues over the beach.
Pearl was the one to break the silence between them. She faltered a bit before she spoke, and Garnet let her struggle with her words. "Did I do something wrong, Garnet?" she asked finally, "I… you've been more stern lately, and…"
"You and Amethyst have been fighting a lot more," Garnet said, voice sharp, and Pearl froze instantly. "And you've been acting…" she paused, looking for the right word. It didn't come, and the Fusion frowned deeply. "Wrong. More than the last time we had to talk about this."
The alabaster Gem stared up at her comrade. The last time Garnet had described her behavior as 'wrong' had been months ago, when her Gem had…
"Oh."
Garnet turned, catching a glimpse of Pearl's pale face, expression drawn, lips pursed in a thin line. The Fusion watched as her companion's face fell, wide blue eyes suddenly transfixed by the ebbing tide. Pearl didn't speak; didn't move a muscle. Garnet exhaled through her nose. "Is it related?" she asked finally, folding her arms impassively. Pearl didn't need to look up to know that her visor would be completely solid, and neither did she need to see through it to know that Garnet was glaring at her. "If you're trying to trick me into giving you orders—"
"I'm not doing it on purpose!" Pearl said hastily, and Garnet knew that much was true, but she wasn't any less annoyed. Pearl wasn't a good liar under scrutiny. "Garnet, I—everything Amethyst does, it just… it's so aggravating! She's so loud and unorganized, she doesn't follow direction, she isn't helping, she's reckless and immature and I can't—"
"Pearl! You're both grieving," Garnet cut her off, and Pearl's gaze dropped again, mouth immediately snapping shut. The Fusion sighed. "We all are. This isn't easy, but picking fights isn't helping anyone. You won't find peace by fighting with Amethyst over every little thing."
The smaller Gem listened, nodding slowly. Garnet was right, of course, and she knew it. "I don't mean to make things worse," Pearl said softly, "That's not my intention. I just… I can't stand it, Garnet. You don't understand! I need order, I need instruction, I need someone to tell me what to do. There's no order on this planet! I'm not…" tears pooled in her eyes, and she reached up, covering her Gem with her hand. "I'm not supposed to be… any of this… I can't outlive my owner, Pearls don't do that…"
"Rose wasn't your—"
"She was! That's why you don't understand!" Pearl's cheeks heated in frustration, a wash of teal spreading over her nose. Tears ran down her cheeks, and she let them. "You and Amethyst can't understand! I belonged to Rose! I was made for her, Garnet, and now she's gone, and you won't take me—"
It was Garnet's turn to flush. "I'm not Rose!" she protested, altogether unsure of what to do now that Pearl was falling apart on her. "If you were made for her, how could I possibly—"
"I don't know!" Pearl shrilled, fists balling, "All I know is I—Garnet, my Gem wants you to! Everything in me is screaming that it's got to be you now! You're the only one I… Amethyst is too immature, Steven's half human, it has to be you!"
"It can't be me!" Garnet shook her head, "Pearl, you don't need an owner, this isn't—"
"It doesn't matter where we are, it's what I am!" Pearl's voice cracked, and Garnet took a step back from her this time. "And I understand you don't want me, you don't want anything to do with Homeworld, and this would be a constant reminder—but I can't escape it! It never stops, and I don't know what to do if you won't have me!"
For long moments, Garnet said nothing. It wasn't that Pearl's words fell on deaf ears, exactly. It wasn't that she didn't have anything to say, exactly. But she was frozen, paralyzed as she watched Pearl break down where she stood, sinking to her knees to sob into her hands.
Possible futures shot out in so many directions from here, this pivotal moment Garnet hadn't expected at all, that Garnet couldn't begin to gauge them. There were several potential futures where she lied for Pearl's sake, and ten years down the line, those futures were disastrous. Rejecting her again seemed no better.
Neither did trying to fill Rose's footsteps.
Trying to take Rose's place had never felt right, but especially not like this.
"I… I don't know what to tell you," Garnet said finally, reaching hesitantly without moving close enough to make contact. Pearl sobbed into her hands, so loudly that Garnet wondered if she had heard her at all. "Pearl… Pearl, I can't tell you what to do every day. I can't own you. I can't be that for you. I can't see you as… as belonging to anyone—" With the exception of Rose Quartz, but that went without saying, "—much less me. I'm not qualified! We've never had that type of…" The Fusion trailed off, knowing that she was babbling, and knowing it wasn't helping. Pearl had stopped sobbing, at least, but her eyes looked dull.
"Use me," Pearl grit out, scrubbing at her puffy eyes with a fist. "I don't care what for, Garnet. Just please, make this stop…"
Something in her tone made Garnet's stomach churn. "You're not a thing, Pearl!"
"I'll tarnish like this!" Pearl snapped back, bowing her head to hide the resurgence of tears. She didn't want to see Garnet's face right now, not when she was begging. "You said I've been wrong, so tell me how to be right! Whatever it is, I'll do it!"
"Stop!" Garnet's voice was desperate, and Pearl flinched, but obeyed. The knight lowered her hands to her knees, keeping her head bowed. "Do you want this? With me?" Garnet could see either answer clearly; a tangled mess of futures where Pearl answered yes and doomed their already precarious relationship to something strange and incomprehensible. And the alternative, where neither of them wanted anything to do with this…
"Of course not!" Pearl answered, looking up abruptly, "Why do you think I've… Garnet, do I look happy asking this of you?"
From her disheveled hair, puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, down to the damp sand on her knees, she looked anything but.
"Then why me?" Garnet asked, finally stepping forward, kneeling in the sand in front of Pearl. For the first time since they'd left the house, Pearl could see through her tinted visor, could make out the shapes of Garnet's eyes even if she couldn't see them well.
She watched Garnet's eyes flicker across her face, searching for something, and Pearl swallowed hard. "There's no one else," Pearl said, "And it's not… it's not up to me. It's instinct. I can't explain it, Garnet! It's never happened to me before."
Again, Garnet was silent for a long stretch, wrestling with something internally. Pearl watched her, watched the bigger Gem's shadow stretch out over her as the sun continued to sink below the horizon. The knight said nothing, but at least she could take the time to gather her wits, drawing in long breaths to bury the taste of her earlier crying.
And then, after a long while, Garnet reached and took one of her hands. "You'll have to explain it to me. All of it. Or I can't help you," Garnet said slowly, drawing Pearl up to her feet. Wide blue eyes stared up at her, briefly confused, before realization flickered across her countenance like a shooting star.
"You mean—?"
"I don't like it," Garnet said in no uncertain terms, pausing a moment before she tucked Pearl's arm against her side. The smaller Gem flushed at the contact, but didn't protest; her free hand found Garnet's bicep instinctively. Something about that felt right. Garnet looked down, startled, but couldn't deny the relieved feeling that bloomed in her chest now that Pearl wasn't crying. "But if you need it, I'll… try. To understand. And to help. It won't be the same."
Pearl looked up at her, then managed a faint smile—barely an upturn of the lips, but more than Garnet had seen from her in weeks. "I don't want it to be the same," Pearl said quietly, "I mean, yes, I want… instruction; I miss Rose. But I don't want you to be Rose, Garnet."
Despite herself, Garnet heaved a great sigh of relief at those words. "You don't know how glad we… I am, hearing that," Garnet said, shaking her head. Pearl fell into step with her as they walked back up the beach.
"I've never wanted you to be her," Pearl insisted, voice heavy. "I can't think of anything I would want less… I think," she paused, worrying her bottom lip. "I think that's why I took it so badly. This… imprinting business."
Garnet quirked a brow at that. "You and me both," she agreed, giving Pearl's arm a squeeze, "But go on. This is imprinting?"
The pink-haired Gem bobbed her head in an affirmative nod. "I think so," Pearl murmured thoughtfully, "It's… it's a failsafe. I've heard of it happening… back before the war. On Homeworld. To keep Pearls in line," she explained slowly, averting her eyes. "It's supposed to help keep us from… from going rogue. Getting ideas. Being more than decorative."
"You've already done all of that," Garnet teased gently. For her efforts, she was rewarded with a little smile and an elbow against her side without any real force behind it.
"Doesn't seem to have helped," Pearl mused, gaze lingering over the sea as stars began to appear along the horizon. "I didn't… I thought I got around it. It didn't hit immediately, and I thought… maybe I overcame this part. I broke so many other rules. I'm so defective already—"
"Don't," Garnet said, cutting in firmly. "You aren't defective, Pearl. You're remarkable."
Pearl disagreed, but she was happy to accept the compliment. Garnet's tone left little room for argument, and she'd had her fill of that for one decade. Drawing a shaky breath, she refocused her attention back to Garnet, looking up at the Fusion in the semi-darkness. "The point being, I never expected this to happen… especially like this," she said, feeling her cheeks color. "It doesn't—that is, it doesn't have to be… like what Rose and I had. That isn't… isn't part of it."
"You'll have to be more specific," Garnet admitted, steering Pearl away from the Temple, past the unfinished beach house. Still only half completed, it looked strange and altogether out of place tucked in the hands of the Temple. The Fusion absently ran her thumb over Pearl's knuckles, eliciting a noise that wasn't quite a sigh. Whatever it was, Garnet liked it. She peered down at the smaller Gem, followed her distant gaze, and waited for clarification.
When Pearl did speak it was with some trepidation. She and Rose hadn't been private about their relationship by any means, but the wound was so fresh that Pearl wasn't sure she could get through more than a sentence without coming to tears. "I just… need a firm hand sometimes," Pearl said quietly, "Permission to do things, instructions… Just—clear-cut. Explicit instruction. Someone else's clarity. I think that's all I need to make it stop itching."
"What itches?" She seemed to have left some crucial details out, but Garnet was beginning to puzzle it all together.
"My Gem," Pearl said, reaching to point toward the center of the Gem in her forehead. "Right in the center—it's felt like it's on fire, but of course, that's not possible… It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced."
That explained the short-temper and erratic behavior, at least. Garnet sighed, laying a gentle hand on the crown of Pearl's head, stopping her briefly. "You could have said so," she said quietly, and Pearl nodded slowly.
"I didn't think to," she admitted guiltily, staring up with wide eyes as Garnet's palm glowed a faint blue—Sapphire's magic—to ghost over her Gem. The stones didn't touch, but the wash of cool power against her Gem made her shiver in the warm night air, clutching Garnet's arm more tightly to her chest. "I'm sorry. I should have explained right from the start—"
"It seems I should've listened," Garnet murmured, "It would've spared you the last few months… you and Amethyst both."
Pearl groaned, pressing her face into Garnet's arm. "Oh, stars… I should apologize," she mumbled, "I don't know if I can explain this to her, Garnet…"
The Fusion hummed thoughtfully. Amethyst knew even less about Homeworld than she did, and she didn't foresee her using the knowledge that Pearl needed instruction and order well. "Don't tell her everything," she said finally, "It's better if just we know, for now."
Pearl paused, said nothing for a long moment, and nodded minutely. "Is that an order?" she asked hopefully, and Garnet was immensely relieved to see a spark of mischief in her eyes.
Maybe this wouldn't be so disastrous.
Garnet grunted, not quite noncommittally. But Pearl could see her eyes through her visor, almost clear now that it was just the two of them together, and all three crinkled at the corners in pleasure. "If you wish."
"I think I do," Pearl replied, pressing her face into Garnet's arm, smothering a smile against her skin. "Thank you."
