13. Balancing (part one)

As much as I wanted to drive home, talk to Alice, maybe kill a mountain lion or two, part of me knew that I needed to stay close enough to Bella's house to hear what was being discussed, to know if Jacob was going to make a move, to eavesdrop.

I began driving around the neighborhoods adjacent to Bella's, close enough to hear what Jacob was thinking but far enough away that they wouldn't know I was listening in.

They were inside now, Jacob watching as Bella began cooking dinner.

I'm going to talk to her, I can do this, Jacob thought, finding the courage to finally say something.

"So, how are things?" he asked, before mentally questioning if that was the coolest way to start up a conversation.

"Pretty good," she said, with a smile. That smile was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, the eighth wonder of the world.

"How about you? Did you finish your car?"

"No, I still need parts, we borrowed that one."

He was clearly upset with not having a car of his own and I couldn't help but feel joy creep over my mind. There was something I had over him. Sure, he didn't want to kill Bella every moment he was near her, but I had a car.

"Sorry. I haven't seen any...what was it you were looking for?"

"Master cylinder."

She remembered! She paid attention! This is good, this means she's gotta care at least a little bit. But why wasn't she driving earlier? Does she need help with her car? Maybe this is my opportunity to get closer to her, help her with her car a little bit, impress her…

I made an audible retching noise.

"Is there something wrong with the truck?"

"No," she said, quickly and to the point.

Did I offend her or something? That's not good, I should apologize. No, that might be weird.

"Oh, I just wondered because you weren't driving it." There, that says that I'm cool, I don't care, just wondering.

"I got a ride with a friend."

A friend? Why wouldn't she tell him the truth, tell him the way she felt about me, get this whole thing over with?

"Nice ride. I didn't recognize the driver, though. I thought I knew most of the kids around here."

I could see Bella barely nod, suddenly focusing much more on her cooking than the conversation that was happening.

Did she not hear me? Maybe she just wasn't paying attention, I'll bring up the topic again.

"My dad seemed to know him from somewhere."

Immediately, Bella replied, trying desperately to change the topic of conversation. I parked my car on the side of the road, distracted driving wasn't good for anyone, even vampires.

"Jacob, could you hand me some plates? They're in the cupboard over the sink."

"Sure." Why was she not answering my questions? Maybe I'll try asking one more time. "So who was it?"

"Edward Cullen," she said with a sigh. I would never tire of her saying my name, it filled me with a contentment that few other things espoused in me.

"Guess that explains it, then, I wondered why my dad was acting so strange."

A tap at my car window startled me and I looked to see who was calling my attention away from the Swan household.

"Hey bro," Emmett said as I rolled down the window. "Everyone's a little worried about you, you haven't been home in a while. And Alice wants to talk to you before your excursion this weekend." With that, he climbed into the car, deciding he would keep me company on the drive home.

I rolled my eyes but didn't verbally protest, trusting that Billy Black wouldn't violate the treaty just because his son was in love with a vampire loving girl.

We didn't talk the entire drive home, but there was nothing uncomfortable about the silence. Our family dynamic was an interesting one, and we all clearly tolerated each other well enough to live in the same house. But for me, there were three members of my "family" that I truly loved as if we were related. Alice, Carlisle and Emmett each had a special place in my heart. Therefore, I felt comfortable in the silence instead of awkward as I might have felt with Rosalie or Jasper in the passenger seat.

I could hear arguing coming from inside the house as we pulled up to it, but all conversation ceased as those inside realized that I was within listening distance.

Sighing as we parked the car, I turned to Emmett. "Is this about to be really uncomfortable for me?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Not as uncomfortable as it's going to be for me," was his muttered response. I took a deep breath and left my car, entering the main part of my house from the garage.

Rosalie was the first to speak. "You lovesick idiot, what on earth are you thinking?"

I sighed, raising my hands to my head and rubbing my temples. "To what are you referring this time?"

Alice, standing awkwardly in the corner, spoke up next. "I told them that you were planning on going to the meadow with Bella this weekend," she said sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I just felt like they should know."

"Why did you think this was a good idea? You're going to make a dumb decision and mope around for the rest of your life and we're going to have to deal with it," Rosalie continued and she would have kept going if Carlisle hadn't interrupted.

"Alice," Carlisle said, in his soothing tone that worked on humans and vampires alike. "Do you see anything bad happening on Saturday?"

She closed her eyes for a moment, and I saw the the vision she was looking at. Bella and I, lying on the grass in the meadow, perfectly content. As she opened her eyes, she smiled at me. "Nothing bad is going to happen this weekend, I'm almost ninety percent sure."

But what about the other ten percent?

I could hear Jasper's thoughts in the same, sadistic tone in which they were always delivered to me. Normally, I welcomed his pessimism with open arms-it was a nice change of pace-but today, I wasn't going to tolerate it.

"Can you at least try to be less negative all the time?" I said, glaring in Jasper's direction.

"Could you at least try to be less of an idiot?"

I bared my teeth in reaction and my eyes narrowed even more before Carlisle moved to step in between us.

Edward, he thought, and I slowly moved my eyes to look at him instead of Jasper.

Go take a walk, get some fresh air, let some time pass and we'll continue this conversation tomorrow.

It took me a moment to let his words truly sink in before I nodded, glared at Jasper one more time and stormed out of our home.


Without thinking about where I was running, I began heading back to Bella's house. Spending time with Bella bookended my days. I spent mornings in the car with her, at school, sitting in her driveway and spent nights in her room, watching her as she slept and wishing that I could be asleep next to her.

As I effortlessly scaled the side of her house and slid into her room, the sight of her asleep in her bed brought a smile to my face. The weather was nice so there was no reason she would be restless this evening, but I worried anyway. I always worried for Bella, even when it came to the simplest of things such as driving or going out with friends or sleeping.

Sliding into the rocking chair that I had claimed as my own, I folded my hands across my lap. There was something so beautiful about the way her chest would rise and fall with every breath, the way her hair was sprawled messily around her head on the pillow, the small smile that settled on her face.

My eyes roamed her room as she slept silently, trying to gather as much information about the sleeping mass on the bed in front of me as I possibly could. Sometimes, asking her questions was not enough. There were some days when I learned more about Bella from making observations about her room than I did from her answers to the millions of questions I asked her in the daylight.

However, I barely got a chance to observe as mumbled words coming from her direction stopped my train of thought.

"Mom," she said quietly as she rolled onto her other side. "I miss you a lot. I want you to meet Edward."

I couldn't help but smile at that, and leaned forward in my seat to continue to listen to her words. It wasn't that leaning in helped me hear her better, I just liked to be closer to her as she spoke. I wanted to be as close as possible to her every moment that I could be.

Then, she continued speaking.

"I love him, Mom, I really do."

I stopped breathing at that point, wondering if I had heard her clearly.

That was ridiculous, I had perfect hearing, of course I heard her clearly.

She loved me.

I slowly rose from my chair and walked toward her bed, a magnetic force telling me that I needed to be near her, to touch her and hold her and let her know how much I loved her. But instead, I lightly sat on the edge of her bed, taking in all I could.

It wasn't that she wasn't beautiful before, but now that I knew that she loved me, I couldn't help but look at her in a different light.

I stayed in that exact position until the sun shone through the window, making my skin illuminate and reminding me to run home and change my clothes and grab my car and do other typical human things.

Rushing to the window, I turned back to her and stole one more look before jumping down to the ground and starting the run home. She loved me, and that was a high that I would never get off of for the rest of my life.


I pulled into her driveway that morning at the same time I always did, eager to see her after spending an excruciatingly long hour or so apart. As she ran out the door to my car, I couldn't help but match the excited grin on her face. I finally knew that she felt the same way about me, and that was something I would cherish for as long as I could.

After she closed the door and buckled up, I turned to her with a grin. "How did you sleep?" I asked, attention fully on her. She seemed cheerful, happy, content. That was everything to me.

"Fine. How was your night?"

"Pleasant," I said, smiling even more. If only she knew how incredible my night had been.

"Can I ask what you did?"

I shook my head, grinning still. "No, today is still mine."

She sighed, seemingly annoyed, but then began answering my questions with enthusiasm. As we drove to school, I asked her about her mom. She described her as irresponsible, never settling in one place for too long. The way she talked about her mom never failed to amuse me. Bella was mature, always taking care of other people more than she took care of herself. It was admirable.

The day continued in a similar way to the day before, I asked her questions about everything imaginable. We talked about her grandmother, her friends in Phoenix, her friends in Forks. I wanted to know about the people who had spent time with her before I got the opportunity to, but there was one question I had been avoiding asking.

As we got into the lunch line, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the question, but I was unsure if I really wanted to know the answer.

"What about the boys you dated? Tell me a bit about them," I said, as nonchalantly as I could possibly manage. I would never tell her if she asked, but the answer would haunt me. I never liked comparing myself to people, but I knew that every boy Bella dated before me was better. They were human, they didn't want to suck her blood at every waking moment, they had a soul.

I braced myself for the worst, was ready for her to spend the rest of our time together doting over her ex-boyfriends and how much she missed them, but then she said an answer that immensely surprised me.

She told me she had never dated anyone.

My eyes widened.

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked, wanting to know as much information about this topic as possible. If I was the first person she felt this way about, if she had never loved someone in this way before me, maybe I didn't have anything I had to live up to. If there was nobody before, maybe there didn't have to be anybody after either. I cleared my throat quietly, that was a dangerous train of thought I was on.

"Not in Phoenix," she said, taking a small bite of her bagel. I sighed, letting my eyebrows furrow and watching her as we walked to the table. It was moments like these when she refused to be brutally honest with me that I wanted to read her mind the most.

Was there someone else in Forks that she wanted? Was I the only person here she loved? Was there competition I should be worried about?

"I should have let you drive yourself today," I said once we had sat down at our table and once I had had an opportunity to collect my thoughts.

"Why?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow at me confusedly.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch."

"Oh," she said, a slight frown working its way onto her face. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

I frowned, slightly offended that she thought I would be so rude as to leave her with no other option. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have my key with me," she said with a sigh. "I really don't mind walking."

I shook my head at that, clearly she underestimated what we were capable of. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition - unless you're afraid someone might steal it," I said with a chuckle. The very thought of someone trying to steal her truck was hilarious to me.

"All right," she said reluctantly before changing the topic of conversation. "So where are you going?"

I took a breath before answering. "Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." I closed my eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of my nose before opening them and continuing. "You can always cancel, you know," I said as earnestly as I should. I didn't want her to, I wanted to spend time with her and continue to build my tolerance to her scent, but I knew that her staying home would be the safest option available to me.

I wanted nothing more than her safety.

She looked down for a moment, seeming to be contemplating the idea of cancelling on me, before staring back into my eyes. "No, I can't."

"Perhaps you're right," I said, taking a deep breath. If only she knew the danger she put herself in every minute we were alone together, how quick her life could end if I decided to end it.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?"

"That depends," I began, trying my hardest to abandon the self-deprecating thoughts that had attacked my brain less than a minute before. "It's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?"

"No," she said immediately and without hesitation. I tried not to smile, but her excitement made me overjoyed.

"The same time as usual then," I said with a nod. "Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow," she said with a grin.

That made me nervous. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?" My tone was foreboding, I wanted her to comprehend the depth of the risk she was taking by being alone with me. It didn't seem like she understood, why could she not understand?

"I have no idea. He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

That response made me glare. I resented the fact that she hadn't told her father we would be together, hated the fact that she didn't seem to grasp the danger of the situation. But then again, I loved how she never stopped putting trust in me to keep her safe. It was trust I didn't deserve, but it still made me feel good.

"What are you hunting tonight?" Her question snapped me out of my head and back to our cafeteria table.

"Whatever we find in the park," I said, a little bit amused at the fact that this was such a normal conversation. "We aren't going far."

"Why are you going with Alice?" she countered, head slightly tilting to one side.

I cringed for a moment, remembering the fight that almost broke out between me and Jasper, and Rosalie's cold and scathing words. "Alice is the most…," I paused for a moment, searching for the right word, "supportive."

"And the others?" Her voice seemed to grow quieter and less confident every word she spoke. "What are they?"

This was another question that I didn't have an immediate answer to, so I pursed my lips while I formulated my thoughts. "Incredulous, for the most part."

I saw her eyes flicker to my table of siblings before turning back to me. "They don't like me," she said, defeat evident in her voice.

"That's not it," I said quickly. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone." I couldn't help but give a soft smile at that fact. How lucky I was to have fallen in love with someone as wonderful as the girl sitting across the table from me.

My reaction and my words seemed to make her upset. "Neither do I for that matter."

I crossed my arms against my chest, leaning further back in my chair. I wished she could read my mind, understand why I was so captivated by her very existence, understand that we felt the very same way about each other.

"I told you - you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me." She seemed annoyed at that, so I pressed on, a smile settling back on my face. "Having the advantages I do," I whispered, pressing two fingers to my forehead, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

Her eyes flickered back to my family and I was afraid she didn't understand, afraid that she would never understand the depth of my feelings for her. How could she understand when I didn't fully comprehend them either?

"That part is easy enough to explain," I said, calling her attention back to me. "But there's more… and it's not so easy to put into words-"

Her eyes seem to widened at that and anxiety flooded through me for a moment, afraid that something I had said had made her scared or intimidated. But then I remembered she wasn't looking at me, she was looking at my family.

I turned to see who had caught her gaze and glared when I learned it was Rosalie. Tuning back into the thoughts of the people in the room, I found Rosalie's inner voice immediately.

Just because you love her, that doesn't make her safe. If I ask Emmett to, he'll get rid of her. Or I'll report it to the Volturi. Don't think her Edward stamp of approval makes her safe, you idiot.

That was enough. I hissed in her direction, using silent communication to force her to stop intimidating Bella. As soon as I was sure her eyes were off of Bella and back to glaring at me, I returned to tuning her out.

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see… it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…" I couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence.

"If?"

"If this ends… badly," I explained, hoping she didn't make elaborate more than that. I brought my head to my hands, rubbing my temples softly. If anything were to happen to this girl, I would be ruined, but if it were my fault…

"And you have to leave now?" she asked, calling my attention back to her as I did earlier.

"Yes," I said, wishing that I didn't have to. "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in biology-I don't think I could take any more." I thought back to the electricity between us, the urge I had felt to reach out and touch her both then and now.

Alice's thoughts interrupted my own.

It's tiiiiiiiiime!

I let out a soft groan as she approached our table.

"Alice," I said, refusing to look behind me.

"Edward," she replied, and I could hear the grin in her voice.

Introduce me, introduce me, introduce me.

I smiled softly and shook my head. "Alice, Bella - Bella, Alice," I said, gesturing with my hand as I spoke.

It's happening!

"Hello Bella, it's nice to finally meet you." I have been waiting for so long for this exact moment, it's just how I thought it would be.

"Hi Alice," Bella said warily. For the second time in a half hour, I wondered what Bella was thinking.

"Are you ready?" Alice asked, her voice chipper and excited. I didn't think Alice could be unenthusiastic about anything, it wasn't in her nature.

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." I just wanted a moment alone to say goodbye to Bella and Alice generously complied, skipping off to the car, her thoughts all rotating around Bella.

"Should I say 'have fun' or is that the wrong sentiment?" she said, poking fun at me.

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything," I said, smiling at her.

"Have fun then."

"I'll try. And you try to be safe please." My head slowly filled with all of the possible ways that Bella could be hurt or injured or killed in the short time we would be apart. The list was endless.

"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."

"For you it is a challenge. Promise," I said, needing her to take me seriously on this.

"I promise to try to be safe," she said, her tone teasing me a bit. "I'll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I said, my eyebrows rising and a playful smirk settling on my face.

"I'll do my best."

We stood at the same time and looked at each other.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said with a sigh.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?"

She nodded dismally.

"I'll be there in the morning," I said, feeling extremely lucky that I would see her tonight as she was sleeping.

I could've left right then, could have turned to walk to Alice, but her magnetic pull was calling me once again. I reached for her face, letting my fingers gently stroke her cheekbone. Everything was calling for me to lean in more, to press her warm lips against my own.

Ripping myself from the call of my own desires, I turned and walked out of the cafeteria.

I needed to hunt.