AN: Well, lookie here – the second instalment of my crack-tarded story. This may or may not upset some die-hard fans of a well established canon pairing (won't say which), but then, I was never a big fan of said pairing myself. I personally think this is hilarious, but then, I might be a tad biased seeing as I wrote it.
This chapter is rated T for teen, as there is some bad human language, as well as suggestive themes.
Disclaimer: If Warriors had been my idea, then it would have never made it to the bookstore shelves, as I would STILL be nitpicking over in the present day.
Relieving Stress
By Steel Plated Bambi
Squirrelflight was in a remarkably bad mood today.
Actually, that was putting it lightly. She was still in the middle of an epic tête-à-tête with Brambleclaw, and all the bitching and screaming was quickly earning them a reputation as the most sexually frustrated couple in the forest. As if that weren't enough, this morning alone she'd managed to get a thorn stuck in her paw, take a swipe at Ashfur for no better reason than him being there, and seriously disturb several apprentices by breaking down into hysterical blubbering outside the medicine cat's den.
Needless to say, Squirrelflight was not merely upset – she was ready to claw the ears off the next cat to come within six foxlengths of her, even if it was Tigerstar himself. Someone in StarClan must have been in a similarly bad mood that day, because as luck would have it, during a border patrol she had run smack into the crabby, equally as abrasive WindClan tom Crowfeather.
"What do you mean by creeping around ThunderClan's territory, mousebrain?!" Squirrelflight snarled. Her tail lashed violently from side to side, and her eyes were narrowed to agitated slits. Oh, she did not need this right now.
"Me?! You're the one who's trespassing, and you know it! Firestar gave this territory to WindClan, in case you'd already forgotten – or do you lack the mental capacity to even remember your own father's policies?" Crowfeather shot back. Both cats faced each other with fangs bared and pelts bristling, sheer stubbornness preventing either from backing down. Crowfeather was probably right about the border extension, but she'd be a chipmunk's aunt before she let the WindClan cat make a fool of her. The ginger queen could already feel her temper rising to a dangerous crescendo. Any further provocation and she'd snap like a twig.
"Listen, you, you –" Squirrelflight groped for the worst words she knew. "– you lousy, bracken-eating, foxdung-for-brained Twoleg lover!" Hey, that was a good one. "Don't talk to me about forgetting policy! You don't see me padding after cats from outside my clan! Is that why you decided to come prancing over here? Were you hoping to find a pretty ThunderClan apprentice to seduce?" Crowfeather's face went through a spectacular array of emotions, going from angry to shocked and back to angry again in a matter of seconds; the sight was so comical that Squirrelflight would likely have burst out laughing if she had been in better spirits. As it was, she snickered inwardly, feeling a sort of sick satisfaction. Was it just her, or did he look almost…guilty?
"I-I – you –" Crowfeather sputtered, nearly speechless with fury. Squirrelflight, feeling reckless, decided to push her luck. Heck, she could do with a good fight.
"Aww, poor kitty," she crooned. "Did I hit a nerve?"
That did it.
Snarling furiously, Crowfeather launched himself at the she-cat with every intention of flaying the hide from her back. He collided with her and they rolled backwards, tumbling down the slope as a hissing, spitting whirlwind of black and orange fur. At the bottom of the hill they crashed through the brambles and into a small clearing, oblivious to the thorns snagging in their fur as they remained locked in combat, hissing and screeching.
"Lousy fleabag!" Crowfeather spat, snagging his claws in her ear.
"Rabbit-chasing ninny!" Squirrelflight hissed back, bonking him on the nose.
They fought and spat and shrieked and cursed, rolling around the clearing in a maelstrom of mayhem as both attempted to murder the other. Fur and insults flew.
Finally Squirrelflight's back slammed against the forest floor, and she lay panting and glaring up at Crowfeather, who had her pinned with both front paws. The tom was also breathing heavily, sides heaving as he returned her glower in full. Despite this, he appeared almost smug, the miserable creep. Ears no longer flat against his skull, the dark-coloured WindClan tom stood over her triumphantly, whiskers twitching in ill-suppressed satisfaction at his victory. Still fuming, Squirrelflight stared balefully up at him, her green eyes boring into his blue ones. His very, very blue ones. Wow…I never noticed how nice his eyes were before…
Struck by sudden impulse, Squirrelflight craned her neck and licked the end of Crowfeather's nose. He drew back as though she'd bit him, staring at her in shock. Tension crackled in the air between them, causing every hair on Squirrelflight's body to tingle. Crowfeather still stood over her, looking intent but puzzled.
"Squirrelflight…?" His voice sounded unreal in the heavy silence. Then his eyes darkened, a very different look coming over his features as he gazed down at her.
Well, there were other ways to relieve stress…
Leafpool padded from the shelter of her den and into the main clearing, looking vaguely worried. Again she found her eyes shifting to the camp's entrance, hoping to spot a familiar flash of orange fur. It's almost sunset, she noted with a frown. Where in the world has Squirrelflight gone off to? She knew her sister was having issues with Brambleclaw – everyone knew it by now – but she didn't usually take this long to cool down after one of their fights. It wasn't like Squirrelflight to just disappear off the face of the earth. Well, that's not entirely true, Leafpool amended humorously.
Presently there was a pattering of paws, and Squirrelflight emerged through the entrance tunnel, looking slightly worse for the wear. Large patches of fur were missing from her orange coat, and little plants and twigs were tangled in with it. She didn't seem angry any longer, thank StarClan, but she was definitely on edge for some reason. Immediately Leafpool scrambled over to her sister, concern overcoming surprise at her bedraggled appearance.
"Squirrelflight! Where have you been? Are you all right? What happened to your fur?" Leafpool didn't pause for breath between questions, looking her sister over worriedly. Squirrelflight jerked away as though she'd taken a swipe at her.
"IT WAS JUST ONCE!!" she shrieked, her voice rising hysterically. Then she stormed off in the direction of the warrior's den, tail bristling.
"Wha…?" Leafpool stared after her, bewildered.
AN: Yes, I decided to focus on Squirrelflight again. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Muahaha. I suppose I could've had them actually being in luuuurve, but that would've been too cliché. And did this happen during Leafpool's relationship with Crowfeather? Well…I'll leave that up to you. ;)
