If I Only Knew Then
I don't own anything. ABC, Callie, etc, own it all. Also, the song I'm borrowing is called "Take Me With You When You Go" and it was written and recorded by Lori McKenna. Do yourself a favor and go check out her albums "Lorraine" and "Massachusetts." She is an amazing alt country singer/songwriter. You'll thank me later.
Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are fantastic. I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter.
Scarlett watched as Juliette, closely followed by her bodyguard, disappeared around the corner. She had told her to go home and rest, that she would text her when the coast was clear for the superstar to come back, without Ed Barkley's scrutiny and criticism. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back into the waiting room where Deacon was sitting on the couch glaring at the back of the other man's head. If looks could kill ...
She took the spot next to her uncle with a sigh and he immediately looked over at her, with worry in his eyes. "How is she?"
"Um." Scarlett hesitated, only briefly considering telling Deacon about the baby. But she knew it wasn't her place, despite the fact that Juliette needed as much support as she could get right now. But he would know in time. "She's okay. She went home to rest. I told her I would let her know when they went to a hotel," she said softly.
Deacon nodded. "She needs sleep. She looks sick, and I'm worried about her."
"Yeah," was all Scarlett could respond.
After a few moments of silence, Ed turned around and looked into Scarlett's eyes. "Is the bimbo gone?"
Deacon could feel his blood pressure rising as the older man spoke, knowing that any will power he had mustered before was gone. Clenching his jaw and his fists, he braced himself to stand. But before he could, Scarlett grabbed his arm and dug her nails into the skin. The pain momentarily pulled the rage from Deacon.
But rather than let Avery's father get away with his comment, the young woman stood and faced him. "You're wrong about her Mr. Barkley," she said, her voice even, and unusually strong. "You're wrong about both of them. She isn't just some flash in the pan. She is an incredible singer and talented songwriter. And Avery ... he didn't use her to get ahead. He loved her and she did ... does love him."
The man glared at her, ignoring the pained look on his wife's face as she watched him anxiously. "Scarlett, you know as well as I do, better than anyone really, that my son never cared about anyone more than he cared about that damn music he always made. He's too stubborn to realize what a waste of time it is."
A pin drop could be heard in the room. No one moved. No one said a word.
"I'm really sorry you feel that way," Scarlett finally said, never breaking eye contact.
A throat was cleared behind them, breaking the tension. They turned to find a woman in blue scrubs and a white lab coat standing in the door way. She introduced herself as Avery's surgeon and filled them in on his condition. Still critical. The Barkleys soon followed her to his recovery room, leaving Deacon and Scarlett behind in the waiting room.
"My God, I wanted to punch that guy in the face," Deacon said in frustration. "Why didn't you let me handle it."
"Because you would have punched him in the face." Scarlett pointed out as she shook her head. "That's not what anyone needs right now." Deacon nodded, stood from the couch and wrapped his arms around her, grateful that she hadn't let him act out his frustrations. "Now what?" she asked.
Her uncle shrugged. "I guess we keep waiting."
The dawn was breaking at the same moment they hit the parking lot. Juliette was moving so fast, Bo could hardly keep up.
"You okay?" he couldn't help but ask, worried about her.
"What do you think?" Juliette responded as she placed her aviator sunglasses on her face. It wasn't an attempt to protect her eyes from the sun that was only just beginning to peek over the Tennessee hills. Her puffy, bloodshot eyes were the last thing she needed photogrpahed at the moment. And Avery's privacy was important to her.
Bo could tell that she had no intention of doing anymore talking, so he cranked up the SUV and headed toward Juliette's home. A few blocks away from the hospital, Juliette broke the silence.
"Turn left up here."
The bodyguard glanced back at her. "Juliette, you need to go home and sleep."
"Bo, turn left."
"Where are we going?" he sighed and turned on the blinker. He knew it was a battle he wasn't going to win.
"The studio."
"No, Juliette," Bo said quickly. "That's not a good idea. Aside from the fact that your stalker may have been there last night, the police probably have the whole thing cordoned off. And you don't need to see where ... it ... happened."
But Juliette wasn't giving up. "Just drive by it and let's see," she whined, sounding almost childlike. "I want to go inside if we can. You will be with me. I just ... please ... Bo I can't be with him right now. Not with his parents there. This is where I want to go."
He sighed and relented. The parking lot was still wrapped in bright yellow crime tape, and was surrounded by police officers, but the back door wasn't blocked, so they were able to access her studio inside the large building with ease. After checking the room, Bo could tell she needed privacy, so he stood outside the door to give her time.
Juliette looked around the dimly lit studio, emotions high. She didn't really know why she wanted to be there. All she knew was that there, she felt close to him. As close as she could without being at his side. She ran her fingers along the edge of the soundboard and then across the back of the leather office chair where Avery sat while they recorded. She could remember the day they recorded "Don't Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet." She had sat in his lap, his arm casually around her waist, as she leaned into him in that very chair while they listened to the playback of her vocals. It felt so natural ... like home.
She sat down, curling her legs up under her and looked into the booth filled with instruments and equipment. The piano, where she once caught Avery playing a Barry Manilow song and had teased him endlessly about for days. "He wrote great songs," had been his sheepish retort. "They make the whole world sing." He was a fanilow ... who knew? She couldn't help but giggle at that memory.
Her eyes moved to the studio laptop. She moved the cursor to power up the screen, only find an early version of the song she had recorded the night before ready to go. Pressing play she leaned back and as the the piano and guitar chords he had recorded himself filled the room. She knew he was planning to bring in studio musicians later in the process, but she couldn't help but think it was perfect just the way it was.
When her vocals came in, Juliette couldn't help but think about how strong he made her voice sound. No producer had ever made her sound so good. And to think that it was in spite of the awkwardness and secrets. He just brought it out in her.
When you're some place just out of reach or worse
When you're lost among the stars.
When you're drifting off on a memory
Search in your secret heart.
Take me with you when you go,
I want to walk beside you now.
We were not meant to be alone
On this tired crooked road, take me,
Take me with you when you go.
She closed her eyes and just listened to the words. When he brought her the song he had written, she had been awestruck by the lyrics.
When you've gone as far as you can from home
Caught every tie that held you down.
When you can't remember what you're running from
And you still don't know where you're bound.
Take me with you when you go,
I want to walk beside you now.
We were not meant to be alone
On this tired crooked road, take me,
Take me with you when you go.
She opened her eyes for a moment and spied the stack of papers where he kept his notes on every song they recorded. She hesitated only for a moment before flipping through the pages on the soundboard's desk. She traced the slightly messy script with her index finger before turning the page. She gasped slightly as she realized she was looking at the original lyric sheet to the song she was listening to. She knew the words by heart at that point, so that wasn't what hit her. It was the date, printed in the top left hand corner of the sheet. It only took her a short time to realize that this was written while she was out in LA, singing with Howie V's orchestra and dressing up like some crazy zombie goddess. That was all it took to cause her to break down yet again. Placing one hand on her stomach, she curled up even further into the chair and just cried as the song finished.
When the corners of the page are wearing thin
And the last light of the day begins to dim.
Take me, take me in, take me in.
Take me with you when you go,
I want to walk beside you now.
We're not meant to be alone
On this tired crooked road, take me,
Take me with you when you go.
Take me, take me with you when you go.
A while later, she wasn't sure how long she had been there or how many times she had listened to the song on repeat, the sound of her phone buzzing in her purse eventually pulled her from her heartbreaking realization. Glancing at the screen, she saw that it was a text from Scarlett.
"Avery's parents went to a hotel to sleep. I told them I would stay with him. Now might be a good time for a visit."
It only took seconds for her to be out the door, leading Bo back to the car.
Scarlett met her at the door of Avery's ICU room. "Hey."
"Hey. How is he?"
"The nurse said he is stable, which is good. She said we should talk to him ... that it helps." Scarlett paused briefly. "You should tell him. Who knows if he can hear. But it might be just what he needs to keep fighting." Then placing a hand on the other blonde's shoulder she disappeared.
Juliette looked around the room, sterile and silent, with the exception of the slow beeping of Avery's heart monitor. It was the only thing that convinced her that he was actually still alive. The gray palor of his skin wasn't encouraging, nor were the tubes and wires his body was hooked up to.
"Hey." She whispered. She suddenly felt awkward talking to him, uncertain whether he would even want her there. She shivered as she lowered herself into the chair next to his bed. "It's me."
"I have something to tell you." She leaned in close to his face and brushed a stray lock of dark hair back away from his eyes, revealing a deep purple bruise on his forehead. "I'm having a baby... Our baby," she said softly, taking his hand for the first time in weeks. "I can't be completely sure, but I think from what my doctor told me it probably happened when I got back from LA, after meeting with Howie V. You remember that day, right? That was the same day you wrote 'Take Me With You.' And that night ... "
Her fingers lightly caressed the skin on his cheek, as she smiled at the memory from before it all went so horribly wrong. "I was so happy when she told me how far along I was. The thought of having ... his ... baby ... I just couldn't handle that possibility. But to know for sure that it's yours was a relief," she said, pausing and inhaling deeply before continuing.
"I know that we aren't together anymore. That I broke us. And I don't know how you will deal with this ... when you wake up. The choice is yours and I won't force you into anything. But I do promise I will be a good mama. I'll try, anyway. Becuase this baby is part of you. A part of both of us that I'll cherish ... no matter what happens. I should have told you right after I found out. It wasn't fair for me not to. I regret it now." A single tear made it's way down her cheek. "Avery, you can't leave me. Not without knowing about your baby. Not without meeting your son or daughter. Please."
She laid her head down awkwardly on his shoulder as more tears soaked into the fabric of his hospital gown.
"What are you doing here?"
Juliette froze at the low voice behind her. Avery's father. Fear spread through her body as she braced for the rage that was about to be unleashed. She was certain of it. Instead, she didn't hear a word. The man's loud footsteps echoed through the Intensive Care Unit and gradually disappeared, instead. A wave of panic rushed over her, wondering if he had heard, as she moved to follow him.
"Mr. Barkely!" she said as soon as she found him pacing silently in front of his wife in the waiting room. She was only vaguely aware of Bo shadowing her every move. She walked over to them, very consious of the other people in the room. Ed and Diane both looked at her. Him with anger, her with confusion.
She paused in silence, looking at them, one to the other.
"Why are you here!?" Avery's father finally asked accusingly.
"I needed to talk to him. See him," she said quietly as she looked around as the families of other patients began to stare and recognize her. "Can we talk somewhere more private. Please?"
He crossed his arms and stood firm, almost as if he was daring her to deal with this out in the open. Juliette was shocked when his seemingly timid wife looked over at him and warned him with her eyes and a word. "Ed."
"Fine," he said relenting, gesturing for Juliette to lead the way.
Juliette spotted a stairwell just outside the waiting room and walked in that direction, not looking back to see if they were following. She knew they were. When the door was closed, she stood facing the wall, debating where to begin. "I loved your son. Love your son," she quickly corrected. "That's why I'm here. Because Iove him."
"Young lady, I'm sorry but you have no idea what your talking about. You're fooling yourself," Ed Barkely said tersely. "My son doesn't care about anything but that damn noise he claims is music. He is wasting his life on it when he should be focused on getting a real job, making a worthwhile living for himself."
Juliette fought the nausea that had settled in her gut at the man's heartless words that did nothing but anger her. She turned and stared him down, feeling a fire in her soul that she hadn't felt in weeks.
"That's where you are wrong, Mr. Barkley. I've been in this business a while and have never met anyone who can so genuinely connect with music the way Avery does. He helped me find my voice when I didn't know I had one anymore. He supported me at some of the lowest times in my life. He helped me stand up for myself on more than one occasion. He took the songs we wrote and engineered them into masterpieces. Because the music that you claim he is wasting his time on is what he was born to do. It's life for him." She clinched her fists at her side, fighting not to raise her voice any more than she already had. "You may not understand it ... but I can't help but wonder if you ever really tried to."
He heard her. She could tell that the words had sunk in. But instead of acknowledging that, he dismissed her, scoffing and rolling his eyes. "What were you doing in my son's room?"
She backed away slightly, glancing over at Avery's mother and taking a deep breath. "I had to tell him ... I had to tell him that he's going to be a father."
At the shocked expressions, she turned defiantly on her heel and walked away without another word.
4:12 am ... 5:47 am ... 7:31 am ... 8:22 am
Juliette lay in bed and counted the minutes as they ticked by slowly on the nearby alarm clock. After returning home around noon the previous day - after telling the Barkley's they were going to be grandparents, in the worst possible way - she had immediately fallen into bed, exhausted. She had slept restlessly, off and on until midnight. But after that, all she could do is lay there watching time pass in slow motion, unable to think of anything but Avery. She couldn't go back up to the hospital. Not after the incident in the stairwell. Scarlett had been kind enough to keep her updated via text, though nothing had really changed. He was still stable but critical. There was absolutely nothing she could do to change any of it.
So she prayed. And she cried. And she let her mind wander into the what could be's ... both good and bad. She thought of how this baby could be the bridge that brings them back together. She saw the three of them, a family. The house, with the yard ... maybe a puppy for the child to play with. Maybe even a sibling, eventually. All of them blissfully happy. And then she thought of having to raise this child alone. Would it be because he still couldn't stand the thought of her, or because he didn't survive this? Would she be able to do it without him? Would she turn into Jolene and be a horrible mother?
So many questions were running though her head as she lay there for hours.
Suddenly her phone rang. An unrecognizable number popped up on the screen. Fear caused her blood to run cold. Had the stalker, the person she was certain had harmed the man she loved so deeply, somehow gotten her phone number? She thought about not answering and letting voicemail pick up. But she knew she was safe. All the doors and windows were locked and Bo was just steps away in the living room. With shaking hands, she accepted the call.
"Hello?" she asked with trepidation.
"Juliette?" a female voice asked hesitantly.
"Yes?"
"It's Diane Barkley."
Juliette sat up in her bed, worried that something had changed. That she was calling to tell her bad news. How had she even gotten her number? And why? "Mrs. Barkley ..."
"Please, it's Diane. I hope you don't mind me calling. Scarlett gave me your number."
"No, it's fine," she said quickly. "Is everything okay?"
"Nothing has changed with Avery," the woman said in a kind voice. "Is there anyway we could talk? In person? Just us."
An hour later, the two women were seated in the back corner of a coffee shop near the hospital. Bo was discretely sitting at a nearby table, where he could watch both the door and Juliette. For few moments, neither woman said a word. Juliette stared down at her hands nervously while Diane focused on stiring the cream into her coffee.
Finally the older woman broke the wall of silence. "Thank you for meeting me here."
"It's good," Juliette said, a small smile appearing on her face. "That we get a chance to talk, I mean."
Diane took a deep breath before launching into an explanation. "I wanted to apologize for my husband's behavior toward you yesterday. Since we got here, really."
The younger woman shook her head. "You haven't done anything wrong."
"No. But Ed can be a bit ... difficult to deal with. He is very set in his ways and doesn't deal with defiance or change well. That's probably why he and Avery never really got along. He had a set plan for his only son. He would go to school and get a business degree, come back home, marry a local girl and become the business manager at the factory. Music never factored in, even though it was clear that it was what Avery loved, even from an early age." She smiled, her mind drifitng back in time. "When he was three, he would sit a my grandmother's piano in our living room and just bang on the keys for hours. Ed couldn't stand it and Tessa, Avery's older sister, would put these thick earmuffs on her head to drown out the sound."
Juliette smiled at the image of a tiny Avery pounding on a piano and she subconsiously placed her hand lightly on her own stomach, wondering if she would ever catch her child doing that. If the trait was hereditary.
"Look, Juliette," Diane continued, finally meeting Juliette's stare. "I know how much he loves you. I could hear it in his voice when he talked about you."
"He told you about me?" Juliette was shocked at this revelation. He had never talked much about his family, and yet, his mother knew about her. She couldn't help but wonder if that was by design. If he was keeping her away from his father.
"Yes, he did," his mother nodded. "We talked once a week or so. Before he met you he just seemed distant. But once you came into the picture, he acted alive. I know you gave him an opportunity to play music again, and that made him happy, but it was more than that. I didn't say so, but I knew it didn't really have anything to do with the music. It was you." Juliette couldn't help but smile at the woman across the table. "He never sounded like that with anyone before. And then when you two broke up ... I'd never heard him so devestated. So broken. He never would tell me what happened."
Juliette knew why and she figured his mother did too deep down. It's why the only people who knew about her and Jeff were the ones she told or who witnessed the atrocity or the aftermath first hand. Avery hadn't told anyone. His way of protecting her, she assumed, knowing that she didn't deserve protecting. Not from him at least. Yet, he had kept her secret, even to his own mother. The two women sat in a slightly awkward silence.
Finally Diane reached across the table, gently touching the top of Juliette's hand. "I want to be a part of this child's life, Juliette. When Avery went out on your tour, I kept up with all the news I could about you. So I know ... about your mother, and I'm really sorry she's not around for you right now. That must be difficult. I know I'm not her, but I am this child's grandmother. And you might need a friend who knows a thing or two about being a mom. I'd like to be that person, if you'll let me."
The young woman took in a deep breath, all the what if scenarios she had played over and over in her head that morning coming back to her in a massive wave that threatened to overtake her. "But what if ..."
Diane's eyes glaze over with tears, knowing exactly what Juliette was thinking. "No matter what. If God see's fit to take my son now, then he left me a precious little gift. That baby. That child will give us both something to live for. Can I please be Nana?"
Juliette couldn't understand the unexpected peace that came over her suddenly. She wouldn't be in this alone. She'd found another person who would love this child and be there for it and care about it more than anything else. It gave her hope. She squeezed Diane's hand in solidarity.
Below them, a phone rang suddenly. Avery's mother reached down and grabbed her's from her purse. She answered and her eyes immediately filled with tears as she listened to the voice on the other line. "Okay. I'm on my way," she responded.
Fear gripped Juliette yet again. "What is it?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"That was Ed. Come on, we need to get to the hospital."
Yes, I left it there. Sorry. Let me know what you think in the reviews! :)
